A/N: My continuing thanks to grownuphermione for the beta on the entire fic! I really appreciated your careful eyes and feedback!
Sorry for the gap between chapters- my real life took an unexpected turn. Not to worry, the rest of the story will be up shortly! Thank you so much to Trude, mgmve2008, ObsessedRHShipper, cha_cha_dancer, ronniemione, and Charlo for reviewing! I'd love to hear what the rest of you are thinking...
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the universe- they belong to the wonderful JKRowling. No infringement intended... I am simply playing with them for a while. :o)
Not a Memory Yet, Chapter 5 (Taking a Leap)
Amazing what a difference it makes!
I spent the day feeling as though I was walking on a cloud. I couldn't believe how light I felt without those images running amok in my head at all times throughout the day. The feelings behind the images and nightmares were still there, of course, but they seemed so much easier to keep a lid on. I wondered if I would feel the same way once I looked at them again. At this point, I only had a vague recollection of what the memories and nightmares had been about. I almost preferred for them to stay out of my brain forever, but that didn't seem right either. Those thoughts, whether I wanted to admit it or not, were a part of me and had changed me. Taking them out permanently wouldn't mean they never happened. It would only mean that I was confused and ignorant about parts of my life. Permanently removing the memories felt like turning my back on trying to move forward.
Still, it was tempting to think I could feel this light without having to work through the emotional upheaval the images caused. It's too tempting, too addicting, I thought. It was like coming out of a fog, truly feeling like myself again for the first time in a year. Without the added weight, logic had a chance to surface. I felt as though anything was possible again, especially making Hermione mine.
The nightmares and the residue of Voldemort's evil soul had made me question every comment, every glance, every touch- and Hermione had been very generous with all of those lately. I had enjoyed every one of them, no question about it, but later it felt like I couldn't hold on to the excitement and contentment. Before taking the memories out, I'd felt as though I was a bottomless pit, wanting everything Hermione gave me and more, but completely unable to give anything back to her. What if any affection I showed her was tainted with the ugliness that had been inside me? I'd never taken the chance, for fear I would ruin any potential we had together.
But, I don't have to worry about that right now!
After leaving the shop, I decided to go home. One day of not going to help with the rebuilding efforts was understandable. I flicked my wand and sent my Patronus to make my apologies that I wouldn't be there. I knew I should start to sort through the images in the Pensieve as soon as I got home, but the thought of tainting such a wonderful feeling so soon after I regained it was impossible to fathom. No, the day had basically begun with Hermione kissing away some of my pain and all I could focus on was getting back to her.
I Apparated directly to my bedroom, where the sight of Hermione sitting on my bed took me off guard for a moment. She was sitting and staring off in a daze, apparently lost in thought. Her presence caused a stirring deep within my heart- almost like an ache, but it wasn't so much pain as it was longing. She'd been doing that to my heart a lot lately. I wondered if she was as completely oblivious to it as she seemed or if she somehow sensed how she made me feel in those moments. Currently, her total unawareness of my presence left me with a rare opportunity to study her for a moment. Her perpetually ink-stained, slender fingers were folded loosely on her lap. Her hair was neatly plaited and tied with a ribbon. The ribbon caught my eye. It was such a simple, yet feminine touch that perfectly summed up Hermione: there was always something special, as long as you took the time to look.
Don't just stand here and stare at her! Say something, I demanded inwardly to propel myself forward.
"Hermione? What are you doing here?" She startled slightly before turning her head and giving me a small smile. She said nothing so I assumed she hadn't heard what I said. "Are you alright?"
"I... Yes, I'm just… tired. I must've sat down and lost track of the time... How was your day?"
"Good. Busy, but good," I said and sat next to her. I itched to hold her, though that was nothing new.
"Don't you have to go to Hogsmeade?"
"I don't have to be anywhere but here."
I put my arm around her shoulders, enjoying the feel of being able to initiate anything at all with her. She leaned her head against my shoulder and we sat there quietly for a while, not needing words to fill the silence. It was as perfect a moment as possible and I was surprised at the unexpectedness of being able to find it in such a simple gesture. The steady rise and fall of her chest lulled me into relaxation, such a wonderful place to be with her. Too soon, I felt her take a deep breath and stretch lightly before standing up. I wanted to pull her back down and hold her so tightly that she could never leave. I wanted to take her in my arms and kiss the life out of her. I wanted so many things, but I simply didn't know where to start.
"I see George gave you his Pensieve to use," Hermione said and broke me out of my thoughts.
"Yeah, good of him to offer. I started to use it this morning before work."
"Already? Wow, I'm impressed!"
"Not really. I took out a bunch of stuff floating around in my head, but I didn't go back to look at any of it."
"Oh. Well, don't let me keep you. I only came in here to get your laundry, but I can do it later," she said and turned to leave.
"Please don't go," I said and took a step closer to her. This is it! Do it, I told myself.
"Why?" she asked hesitantly, but she turned back around. She hadn't noticed my step toward her and ended up inches from me.
"Because if you leave, I'll lose the bollocks to do this-" I said before I closed the gap between us, my eyes automatically slipping shut.
She didn't respond immediately and for a moment I was sure I'd made a horrible mistake. I started to pull away, but she wrapped her hand around my neck and pulled me back to her and I was lost. Our lips were still inexperienced with each other, but what we lacked in history, we more than made up for with our mutual enthusiasm. Her mouth was warm and wet against mine, her hands soft and slow. I wrapped one hand behind her head to hold her to me, while the other grasped her waist and brought her with me to the bed. I sat down and she followed eagerly, her lips never leaving mine. When my tongue touched hers, she whimpered into my mouth and I was sure I could die a happy man. This was both everything I remembered and entirely new and exciting. Our first kiss had been passionate, desperate, years of longing colliding in one irreplaceable moment. Now, this kiss, this was like coming home, as though I'd already been here and had been trying to get back to my sanctuary from the storm.
My neck started to ache slightly and I pulled back to stretch. Her lips and cheeks were pink and her eyes sparkled. I did that to her, I realised with pride. I thought she had never looked more beautiful. The moment could've been horribly awkward, with me trying to stammer out everything I was feeling or her trying to talk everything to death, but it wasn't. I smiled at her and she smiled back and ran her hand up and down my arm- no words were necessary.
"It's about damn time," she exclaimed and I threw my head back and laughed heartily. She was right- it was about damn time! She laughed with me and we tumbled back to the bed, our bodies shaking with happiness and relief. I reached out to cup her cheek and my thumb grazed her skin over and over again.
"I'm sorry it took me so long."
"You're worth the wait, Ron."
There was nothing to do but kiss her again. What else could I possibly do when such sweet words came out of her mouth? She met me halfway and I marvelled that my earlier thought had been correct: all I had to do was go for it and kiss her. We broke apart and scooted to the head of the bed so our heads rested against the pillows. This had to be a dream; it felt too good to be true. I couldn't stop looking at her and I never wanted to stop touching her.
"I love you, Ron. You know that, don't you?" My heart tightened a bit and a delicious warmth spread through my body. She'd said the words before, we both had, but I'd never really believed she'd meant them- not how I'd always wanted her to mean them. And yet she gave them to me easily, trusting, as though there was nothing else she could have possibly said.
"I think I finally do know- and I love you, too," I said. Saying those three words back to her was like letting out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding. It should have been scary being that honest about my feelings with her, but it wasn't. I should have freaked out at how quickly we'd gotten to this point together, but I didn't. I just closed my eyes and pulled her to me, not willing to let the moment end. I knew she needed to study for her exams and I should have put the Pensieve to use, but all I could think was how tired I was and how warm she made me. The feel of her chest rising and falling against my own lulled me to sleep.
When I woke, she was gone and I already missed her. I looked out my window and saw it was dark out, but not a pitch-black night sky yet. I'd probably only slept for an hour or so, though my body felt more rejuvenated that it usually did after a full night's rest. It seemed like forever since I had been able to sleep peacefully and to awaken feeling refreshed. I contemplated trying to go back to sleep, but my stomach rumbled loudly and I wanted to see Hermione, so that was all the push I needed to get out of bed.
She was, of course, at the kitchen table doing her revisions. All of her papers and books were spread in front of her and she was scribbling furiously on a piece of parchment. It reminded me of happy times with her and Harry in the castle, studying near the Common Room fireplace. Thank Merlin I don't have to study anymore! I placed a hand on the back of her chair and one on the table and leaned my head down to kiss her forehead. She tipped her head up and I felt her lips curve into a smile against my lips. Was it really only this morning that she'd fled from this room with that sad, defeated look in her eyes? Our earlier experience in my bedroom was exactly what I'd needed to start taking my life back. I couldn't have gone on much longer, as miserable as I was, and avoiding the issue wasn't going to solve it. I was so grateful I'd started to move forward, especially where things with Hermione were concerned.
I sat on the chair next to her and wanted to tell her some of what the dreams had been about, how deeply I had been affected, but I found that I couldn't. As it was supposed to, the process of extracting the memories left me unable to grasp at anything more than wisps of thoughts. It was like trying to hold water in your bare hands: a steady trickle pulled it all away until mere remnants were left. Much as the memories and nightmares had brought me misery, I felt oddly displaced by the empty spaces in my mind they used to fill.
"Thank you," I finally said once I realised I could think of nothing else to say. She quirked her eyebrow at me, silently questioning the comment. "For researching, for talking to George- I don't know how long I would've been like that if you hadn't," I said to clarify.
"You're welcome... but it's not over yet, Ron. George was up and down quite a bit when he first started his treatment. He's better now, but the beginning was really difficult for him."
"I know. But I'm going to do it. I don't want to give that bastard another bit of me."
"Good," she said and flashed a brilliant smile at me. "Hungry?"
I gratefully accepted the sandwich she passed over and asked her about school. She talked about her various subjects and how nice it was for her to have Ginny in most of them. I was glad for that as well- she was probably better company than Harry and I had been, or at least more independent than we had been. They had got permission for Ginny to leave Hogwarts for the weekend and Hermione seemed genuinely excited about it.
Eventually, I left to let her do her work and went for my evening run. In, 1, out, 2, in, 3, out, 4. In, 1, out, 2, in, 3, out, 4. The smooth road still soothed me, but now I wasn't running away from the pain; I was running to feel even more alive. I couldn't believe how much my perspective had changed in a day- how my entire life had really changed today. It was a heady thought.
Hermione was already asleep by the time I got back to our flat. The slight disappointment I felt did nothing to diminish how wonderful the day had been. That night I slept without fear, without insecurities and doubts keeping me awake, without my imagination creating a future for Hermione that didn't include me.
The next several days were much harder for me though, because I began to work through memories and imaginings that taunted me. With each strand of memory I reviewed in the Pensieve, lost feelings and thoughts again raced to the surface. They were familiar, but unwelcome. I'd had a taste of my life without the well of dark feelings and I wanted that peace back. Some moments I watched over and over and over again until I knew every corner and crevice in the image. I wanted to desensitise myself to their power. I analysed every small detail, showing myself how my mind had created impossible scenarios using crazy logic. This was the sort of thing Hermione would have been perfect at if I had been able to stomach the thought of having her help me.
Each time I watched the memory of what happened in the forest and tried to take it back into my mind, I felt as though I was taken over again. I might as well have been soaking wet and clutching the sword- the thoughts were still that vivid and raw. I took that glistening strand out of my mind repeatedly, unable to tolerate it yet. Instead, I focused on the other images I'd had nightmares about. The whole process was making me mad with the consistent ups and downs. After a few days of it, I'd managed to reincorporate a lot of the bits and pieces of memory back into my mind with few fears and insecurities resurfacing.
Despite logically knowing many of the insecurities I felt weren't based in reality and would probably never happen, I distanced myself from Hermione. The desire to keep what we had pure and untarnished led me to pull away from her. I couldn't stand the thought that my mind and the remnants of that damn Horcrux might ruin what was blossoming between us. I knew I was being thick- I was doing it on purpose. It seemed better to be safe than to be sorry later.
Hermione, being the brilliant but stubborn woman that she was, refused to be pushed away. She said she loved me and knew what I was going through was difficult. She said there wasn't a chance in the world she'd let me think I would ever be alone. She held my hand every time we were in the same room together. She kissed me every morning before we headed off in separate directions. She brought me and George lunch at the shop on both that Saturday and Sunday and then proceeded to snog me senseless in the back workroom.
Damn, that was sexy.
I almost let myself get too lost in her, forgetting where we were and everything else in my head but how good she felt and how badly I wanted her. She whispered things in my ears that made me blush and Harry would never have believed me if I had told him. She made me want to believe so badly that it would always be us and I would always be enough for her. When she slid into my bed, hopelessly tangled our legs, and whispered in the dark about what we could have in the future, some of the images in my mind faded. Those moments were bliss. But, then those bloody thoughts of the locket would overwhelm me again and the fear took over. It was as though I was stuck in a groove, unable to jump out or do anything else but repeat the same movements and same thoughts over and over again.
I wanted to get unstuck; I wanted to wash everything away. It all came down to the locket- it was still real to me, whether it had been destroyed or not. I needed to banish its hold over me and force it to fade with the other memories.
I can't give up now.
Thanks so much for reading! The next chapter will be posted in a couple days. Reviews are loved and appreciated! -Risie :o)