(Edwards' POV)
I stared at her wide-eyed from behind a grove of pines. My Bella looked awful. She was quite possibly even more pale than she had been before my leaving. I could see the blue blood pumping through her veins, sustaining her life. Her eyes had sunken into her skull slightly, as if she hadn't slept well in months, light purple marks underneath them. She was terribly thin as well, looking as though she had lost at least ten pounds, if not more. Her hair had lost it's shine. Her beautiful face had no color. She looked so terribly distraught. I didn't want to believe that my absence had been the cause of all this physical devastation, but I knew that it was and I hated myself for it. I saw her sit down on a log, not even twenty feet away. She was so close. I had come this far. I couldn't turn back now. I stepped out from behind my cover and took a few slow steps towards her. I went silently at first, but decided when I was about ten feet away that I should give her some warning to my presence. I purposefully crunched some leaves underfoot and broke a twig. Her head lifted slightly, but her eyes would not meet mine.
"Bella..?" I took another step closer, waiting for her reaction.
"No…" Was all she said. She shook her head. Did she think I was a hallucination? I guess I couldn't blame her for that. Now there were tears rolling down her perfect cheeks. No, please don't cry, love… I thought to myself as I waited for her to continue.
"No…You're not here…I must have gone insane." I wanted to laugh, if the situation hadn't been so serious. She was actually doubting her mental health. I had to prove I was real to her.
"No, Bella…You haven't gone crazy. I'm really here. I-I realized….I can't stay away from you anymore. I know, that I promised you…promised that you'd never had to see me again. But….God, Bella I'm such a selfish creature." I slapped my forehead lightly before continuing.
"I couldn't stay away from you. I love you. Please….Please, Bella don't cry….I'm so sorry. You have no idea." I cut myself off before I overwhelmed her.
In the next instant, she was standing, albeit shakily, throwing her arms around my neck. I was shocked. I didn't think she would even want to talk to me, much less touch me, but I returned the embrace nonetheless. She was obviously delusional, this might be the last time I would get to hold her. She was sobbing more freely now, I could feel the warm moisture penetrate my shirt, and I reached my hand up into her mess of hair, running my fingers through it, trying to soothe her. She quieted a little, her tears finally running dry, but now she was wavering back and forth in my arms. I could tell she had lost consciousness, and she started to slip out of my arms. I caught her gently, sighing to myself.
Of course. It was just so…so Bella to pass out on me. I hadn't even had the chance to properly appreciate being in her presence again yet. I hoisted her light, limp body into my arms, pausing to brush her hair from her face, and wipe away a few remaining tears before they dried. I wanted so badly at that moment to kiss her, but that might be inappropriate…kissing the girl I up and left almost a year ago, while she was unconscious, without her permission. I didn't want to believe that her feelings for me had changed. Mine hadn't changed at all. I still loved her as much now, as I had when I first met her. That was a lie, actually. Time and distance really had made my love for her stronger. I sighed softly, taking in her scent briefly, letting it burn my throat, before heading back through the forest. I traveled at almost my normal speed, not wanting to go too fast, just in case she woke up. I didn't want to frighten her, or worse, make her pass out again.
I thought back to this morning. I had arrived in Forks only hours earlier. Alice had called me the day before and demanded that I listen to her. I had been angry with her at first, for looking into Bella's future. But she told me that she hadn't been looking for it on purpose, it had just popped into her head. She said that the vision was strange, incomplete. All she knew for sure was that Bella would be in some sort of danger very soon, and it was my responsibility to go back and help her. I had tried to argue my point, that I had no right to meddle in Bella's future, but Alice had screamed at me that if she died, I would never forgive myself, she would never forgive herself either. That had me. I couldn't imagine Bella dying. It was unacceptable. I told myself I would go back, just to check up on her, to make sure she was okay. Wait for the danger to pass and then leave, without her ever having to know I'd returned.
So, now…here I found myself back in Forks, Washington. I stopped briefly at our old house, still vacant, but I knew the others would surely be there by now, waiting for news from me. They were as eager to know about Bella as I was. Not long after that, I had found myself perched in a tree facing Bella's bedroom window. I was hoping to catch her as she left the house. I thought showing up at her window, like nothing had ever happened….Like no time had passed, would be insensitive. Not to mention it would probably have shocked her into unconsciousness…though I seemed to have managed to do that to her anyway.
I had watched her as she slept. I heard her sleep talk. She mumbled my name, I was a bit surprised by that. I had hoped that after our months of separation, I would had stopped invading her dreams. Then she surprised me again.
"Edward…you're back…please, don't leave…don't leave me again, Edward…I love you…." She still loved me? It had to be true, her subconscious couldn't lie. It made my dead heart wretch.
And then she woke up, suddenly, violently. Was that sweat I noticed in a soft sheen on her face? How odd. Had she had a nightmare? I wanted so badly to comfort her. It pained me considerably to have to sit by and let her suffer alone. For the millionth time, I wished I could read her mind. I felt worse when I noticed the look of distress on her face shortly after. Was she holding her sides? Why? I heard her heartbeat quicken and her breathe turn to gasps. My poor Bella. Had I done this to her?
I decided then that I had to speak to her. And what I was most afraid of happening, happened. I had seen her, and now, I was unable to leave her again. Then I racked my brain for a way to reveal myself to her. Not long after, she had risen, leaving her room, for the bathroom I assumed, based on her morning habits that I had become familiar with in the months before my departure. I left the tree next to her room in favor of one closer to the kitchen. But she never entered. It was then I heard the front door open.
But she hadn't eaten? Apparently, my absence had not improved her eating habits. Then I noticed as she took off across the street. Into the forest. This was uncharacteristic for her. I vaguely remembered asking her to never venture into the woods by herself. But that was a long time ago. How could I expect her to pay any attention to my wants? So, I followed behind her, curious to see where she was headed. Maybe this would be a good place to show myself. I couldn't hold out for much longer. I had to speak to her.
But, here I found myself, not even an hour later, holding her in my arms. I allowed myself to look quickly down at her. Still out cold. She was beautiful…even in this state, I couldn't help but notice. I slowed down considerably when I neared her house, walking right up to the front door and opening it. I was thankful that Charlie had left early this morning, before the sun had even risen. He must have been out fishing. Again. I carried her swiftly up the stairs, through to her room, and gently laid her still form on the bed. I pulled back the covers and placed them over her. Now I just had to wait. Think. Hope. This was torturous, but I would endure it.
It seemed like hours until she awoke, but I checked the clock…ten-thirty. She had only been out a little less than half an hour. I breathed out, relieved. Then I tensed again. How would she react to my presence? Would she hug me again? Now that she would be sure I wasn't a delusion. Or would she run from me. Scream at me to leave her house. I was truly afraid of her rejection. She lifted her lids slowly, painstakingly slow.
She looked around the room tentatively for a moment. Trying to figure out how she had gotten back into her room, I could only imagine. Then, as if something had snapped back into place, she sat upright in an instance. Her eyes flew to the corner of the room. To me. Seated in the old rocking chair. Just like old times. Then they widened. I couldn't decipher the emotion in them. Fear? Longing? Disbelief? I would have believed any of them. She quickly settled again. Opening her mouth to speak, but I beat her to it.
"Bella…you passed out, back there in the forest. I, uh…I thought I should bring you back home." I tried to smile. Tired to reassure her that I meant her no harm. But I felt so awful, it would have been an empty gesture. Not that I didn't honestly feel regret in every inch of my being. But I didn't think that I would be able to prove that to her so soon. Then she spoke. Again, I got to hear her sweet voice.
"I-I don't know what to say…." She stammered, unsure of herself. Her eyes met mine briefly, and then fell back down to her quilt. I sighed and rose from the chair. I crossed the room slowly, deliberately, so she could protest if she had wanted to. I wished silently that she wouldn't. I seated myself again at the edge of her bed, facing her.
"Why are you here? Why did you come back…I don't understand." I thought for a moment that she would burst into tears again, and I felt a wrenching pain in my abdomen, but she didn't. I had to explain myself.
"Bella…" God, it felt so good to say her name out loud. "I tried to tell you earlier…I can't be apart from you anymore. I had to come back. I don't know if you can forgive me. I would understand if you can't. But I had to come back. I have to know…." I reached out for her hand with mine, and she took it. I smiled to myself and continued. " I have to know, if you can still possibly love me, after all I've put you through." I looked at her sitting silently in her bed, still half covered in her quilt, and hoped. I knew I couldn't tell her the real reason I was back. That Alice had seen danger in her future. I didn't want to frighten her. I didn't want her to think that my only reason for returning was Alice's vision. Then she would be afraid of me leaving again. Of course, she would fear that anyway, how could she not? I did not deserve her trust.
"I…Edward…" She paused after my name. It sounded forced, like she hadn't spoken my it in years…or months rather. That hurt me just a tiny bit, but I forced it back and she continued. "I thought you didn't want me anymore…that you didn't love me…" I leaned towards her.
"Lies Bella…all lies. I thought you would let me go more willingly if you had thought I didn't care for you. Apparently, I am a better actor than Alice gives me credit for. I never in my wildest dreams thought that you would actually believe me. Believe that I could ever stop loving you in this, or any other lifetime. I'm so sorry Bella. I'm sorry that I was able to convince you so well…a part of me wished that you wouldn't believe my lie for a second. That you would call me out on it…give me a reason to stay…make me stay…but you just gave up…" The last of my words sounded strangled. It was hard for me to say them. The truth. What I had been denying to myself for months. She couldn't possibly love me after all of this.
"I wish that I had tried to stop you too, Edward. But…I was just so shocked…I probably would have believed anything you told me at that moment. And after you left. I couldn't bear to think about you or what you had said…so I just pushed it aside and accepted it as the truth. But, you have to trust me now, Edward…I do, I do still love you, nothing will change that….but I…it's too late." The words were so rushed, I wasn't sure I had heard them correctly. Too late? What did that mean? Had she actually moved on like I had urged her to do before I left? It would serve me right I supposed.
"I'm dating….um, Jacob…Jacob Black…From the Quileute Reservation…" She stopped herself abruptly, looking me straight in the eye. Piercing me with those big, chocolate brown eyes. I couldn't look away, even though I wanted to. I felt myself fall apart. If I had had a working heart to break, it would have split in two at that moment.
"I'm sorry Edward…so sorry…but you told me to move on, and I'll be honest, at first I didn't want to, I'm still not sure if I want to …."
Dim words of hope. Maybe I wasn't too late after all. "But I can't do that to Jacob. I can't hurt him. I do love him…maybe not as much as I love you, but I care about his feelings….….I don't know if I can leave him now….what that would do to him…" She sighed heavily and looked away from me, releasing my ice-cold hand. She was so selfless it astounded me. But she had said it. She loved me. She loved me more than this Jacob Black. There was still a chance for me to win her back, and I wouldn't give up on her. I couldn't. She was my life. I reclaimed her hand, trying to reassure her that I wasn't angry with her and she let me. Another silent victory.
"Don't be sorry, Bella….It's not your fault. You did exactly what I told you to do…and I can't blame you for that. I should never have left you alone. But I want you to know…I'll still be here for you. For whatever you need. My family and I are moving back into our old house. They couldn't stand to be away from Forks anymore either. We won't bother you if you don't want us to. I'll stay out of your life it that's what you wish….But I'll be here. If for nothing else, I'll be your friend, if you'll allow me."
She smiled warmly and made a motion to say something, but at that moment, I heard another car engine cut off in front of the house. It couldn't be Charlie. Then who…? I thought only for a fraction of a second, before my mind settled on one name. Jacob Black. "He's here, isn't he?" I asked her quietly. She nodded wordlessly. I lifted up her hand and brushed my lips against it. An innocent kiss. Friends were allowed to do that right? She hadn't objected. My insides fluttered.
"I should probably go then…" She sighed and got up from the bed, heading over to the window, opening it for me. I hadn't wanted to leave her so soon. The pain in my gut strengthened just a tiny bit. I looked at her again before I climbed out the window. "I'll be close by, Bella, I haven't finished saying what I need to say…"
"Alright…I'll be waiting, Edward." Her voice, saying my name, one more time, I reveled in it. Then I leapt to the nearest tree and waited there. I watched as Jacob Black left his car, he hadn't noticed me of course, and walked up to the door, to be greeted by Bella. By My Bella. I sighed. Regret washing through me. How could I have ever left her?