Lessons in Etiquette
DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for possible sexual content, violence and language. Reader discretion is advised. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!
WARNING: WILL CONTAIN SLASH (male on male), and AU-ness!! Ye be warned
Author's Note: CHAPTER SEVEN!! So exciting! Now this is probably only going to be five or six more chapters (depending on how much plot I can cram into each chapter) and then it'll be done. WOOT! …Yet a sad woot. Anyhow, please review! 'Through the fire and the flames we carry on…' Cheers!!
PS. – Raise your hand if you've ever had a dirty thought while eating a hot dog. All those who raised their hands, welcome to my life. All those who didn't…what the hell are you doing here? LMFAO.
XXX
Lily tapped her foot impatiently as the lift jangled and clanged its downward descent while James yawned hugely into his fist. They'd managed to make it out of the flat in seven minutes (severely demolishing James' notion that all women took hours to get ready) and to the Ministry of Magic visitor's entrance. The only problem now was getting in to see Remus.
Neither of them had any idea of what it would take to get in nor whether they would even be allowed to see Remus. James looked sidelong at Lily. "Lily," he murmured as the lift clanged ever downward, "I should tell you, the majority of these people are bigots and racists, and so it's best not to take offence to anything they say. Stay calm and collected and pretend you share their beliefs until we get in, okay?"
The redhead fixed him with a stern green-eyed gaze he was all too familiar with. "I'll do and say as I please, James, and no amount of bigotry will change that. However, I promise not to fly off the handle at least until we actually get in there." James smiled. "But when we leave I'm going to give those pricks a piece of my mind."
"I'd expect nothing less, luv."
The lift finally clattered to a halt and they stepped out, neither bothering to take in the plush Atrium, heading straight for the sign in desk. The watch wizard on duty, a burly, balding and middle-aged man, eyed the pair of young people with distaste. He motioned to James first, and he was processed without a second glance, then the man turned to Lily. "Wand."
The redhead paused. "I don't have one."
The guard wizard cocked an eyebrow. "Then what the bleeding hell are you doing here?" He looked suspiciously at James and then back at Lily, his distaste obviously growing. Lily, however, didn't bat an eyelash.
She leaned confidently over the desk, secretly glad Merlin (or whoever decided such things) had granted her an ample bosom. "Just need to go with my friend to see someone." She looked up from under her lashes at the man, whose gaze flickered noticeably from her eyes to her chest and back. "You can let me pass… What's one little girl like me going to do?" She even went so far as to wink, and the man verily drooled on himself.
"Alright," he said gruffly. "On you go."
"Thanks," Lily beamed, and trotted away with James in tow, who looked mildly impressed.
"Never knew you could be such a vixen, Evans."
"Oh, there's a lot you don't know about me yet, Potter," she teased, grinning as they stepped into a second set of lifts and went up to the fourth level, which an ethereal, cool female voice described as the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. Once out of the lift, they got directions from a kindly witch, who cast them pitying looks, as to where to find the Werewolf Supervision and Registration Division.
A young, pimply youth sat at the front desk when they arrived, and looked up at them in a bored, glazed sort of way. "Can I help you?" he asked tiredly.
"Yes," said James before Lily could answer, "we're looking for an animal that may have been detained here within the last week, as we have some business with it. Where might we find said animal?"
The pimple faced young man looked marginally interested. "I'm sorry, but only Ministry personnel are allowed in those facilities," he said, sounding anything but sorry.
"Perhaps," said James, putting on an air of superiority, "you don't know me. My name is James Potter."
"You're right, I don't know you. Only personnel are allowed in those facilities, and as you don't work here, I'm afraid you cannot go in."
Lily looked at James and refrained (just barely) from rolling her eyes. How had she known it wouldn't work? "Excuse me," she said, the model of politeness, "Mr.…?"
"Hastings. Matthew Hastings."
"Mr. Hastings. May I call you Matthew?" The redhead didn't wait for an answer, but plowed on anyway. "You see, my fiancé and I were accosted by this beast, and he stole something very valuable to us." She waggled her empty ring finger suggestively. "We just need to see the thing to get our property back, as we're positive he had it in his possession when he was detained. It really is urgent."
The man seemed to hesitate, caught between wanting to do his job by the rulebook and help this lovely young woman. "I can have someone from personnel go in and find you your property if you'd like. What animal is it?" he asked finally flicking a few sheets of parchments over on a clipboard on his desk.
Lily laughed. "I haven't the foggiest, do you darling?" she asked, looking at James.
"No, but I'm sure I'd recognize the bastard if I saw him." He managed to scowl menacingly despite the fact he wanted to burst into laughter at Lily's acting abilities. She'd gone form a teasing hussy to a well-bred pureblood in mere minutes when she was, in fact, was from either.
"Please, Matthew; we're getting married in a few weeks and it would be just horrible if we didn't have the engagement ring. It's a family heirloom, you see." Somehow, she conjured up a pair of convincingly misty eyes, and James watched the pockmarked youth melt like butter in the heat of the sun.
"Alright, follow me."
Lilly smiled gratefully. "Oh thank you so much! You really are wonderful! James, honey, be sure to mention his name the next time you speak with the Minister, won't you? He's just been so helpful."
"I'll be sure to do that," James agreed, and it was not a lie. If ever he did get to speak to the Minister of Magic, he'd tell him Hastings (who now looked most impressed) had been an excellent employee.
"Just right this way," he said pompously, leading them around his desk and through a series of ever increasingly complex security-spelled doors. "Just down here," he said, unlocking the last door with a Muggle key, and they stepped into the dank, poorly lit hallway that stretched on into eternity with putrid air, metal bars and concrete floors. Lily's nose wrinkled in unmitigated disgust and even James felt the corners of his mouth turn down as though he'd tasted something bitter. "Shall we start on the left side then?" asked Hastings, noticing neither expression, being focused entirely on his newly appointed task.
He made to move forward, but James, ever the thinker-ahead (a talent which made him a pranking master), put his hand up to forestall the young man. "If possible, we'd like to deal with this ourselves." He grimaced and the young man seemed to catch on, grinning toothily.
"You got it. I'll wait here for you." James nodded and took a rather pale Lily by the elbow, steering her forward, breathing a sigh of relief that they wouldn't have Pimples breathing down their necks while they visited Remus. The messy-haired man lit his wand softly and as they moved down the increasingly dark corridor that was lit with only the barest of lights, his unease grew.
From behind almost half the cages, ragged, thin men with overly long and pointed teeth leered at them, several going so far as to suggest Lily come pay them a special visit. The redhead ignored them, chanting the mantra 'I'm doing this for Remus' over and over in her mind.
Finally, the end of the row loomed into sight as they passed under the last light bulb, and the pair both held their breath expectantly.
XXX
Sirius stared at the ceiling, feeling the universe and all its contents pressing down on his heart. Remus hated him, Lily didn't even trust the words that came out of his mouth anymore, and James…well James was back chasing Evans again.
He'd gone and fucked everything up, just like he always did, and once again, he was alone. It all seemed so horrendously unfair, and yet at the same point, Sirius understood the universe's justifications for what he'd been given. Things were his fault. He'd been sorted into Gryffindor and not been the perfect, pureblood, Slytherin son his parents had hoped for and it was his fault. He'd let his younger, much more admirable and respectable (in his parents' eyes anyway), and impressionable brother join the Dark Lord and that, too, was his fault. Then he'd become gay and been unable to produce another male heir to the family fortune like everyone expected him to. And even that was his fault.
He was sick of it. Sick and fucking tired of being the one to blame, the scapegoat. Sirius wanted out, and he only knew one way to get out.
Getting up from his bed, the dark haired young man meandered into the bathroom, opening the shoddily stocked and messy medicine cabinet and surveyed the contents within. Extra toothpaste, a lonely old toothbrush whose owner Sirius couldn't recall, bandages, shaving cream, half a dozen razors, some ancient cough medicine that had been there when they'd moved in, and…yes they were still there.
Sirius pulled out the bottle of sleeping pills one of those Muggle doctors had prescribed for James when he'd had the flu a couple months before and been unable to sleep for coughing and wheezing and grumbling. Only a few were missing, as James had finally taken Sirius' advice and gone to St. Mungo's to get his illness cleared up. Certainly there were still enough to do the job Sirius had in mind for them.
He shuffled out to the kitchen and poured himself a tall glass of water from the sink faucet, and with the pills and water, headed back to his bedroom. He put the items on his nightstand and contemplated leaving some sort of explanation, and then shook his head. James would figure it out and there was no one else to whom he felt the need to explain himself.
Sitting himself, his long legs stretched out before him on the bed, he popped open the pill bottle and dumped out the contents. Best to count them to make sure there were definitely enough. The last thing he needed to do was mess up his own suicide. Then he really would be pathetic.
XXX
Lily opened her mouth to call out to her lycanthropic friend, but before the words formed themselves in her larynx, a tall, dark figure slipped out of the last cell and a startled yelp, instead, slipped out.
James trained his wand at the figure and tried to control his shaking hand. "Who are you? Make yourself known immediately or I'll be forced to hex you!"
"I see things have changed little since I last had the displeasure of meeting you Potter," said a cold voice that dripped sarcasm. Severus Snape looked up into the surprised hazel eyes of his long time arch rival with deepest loathing. His own wand was pointed at James, who felt rather exposed and confused in the current situation, as well as concerned about Lily.
He knew she and Snape had been at least cordial friends until around fifth year or so, and while he never stopped to question why they had ceased speaking, he was sure it was not at all to Snape's liking. How, now, would the man react to seeing Lily all these years later, with him no less?
"Severus?" Lily said astonishment and befuddlement warring for dominance in those luminous green eyes.
"Lily?" Snape questioned, lighting the end of his own wand and directing the glow at Lily. "What are you doing here?" he asked, his dark, fathomless eyes softening slightly.
"I'm here to…" Lily paused, glancing at James, whose mouth was a thin line and looked less than happy to meet his old enemy down here. She didn't know if she should keep up her pretence of finding a lost engagement ring or not. "See someone," she finished vaguely. "What on earth are you…?" Lily's mouth turned down slightly and her tone went icy. "Do you work here?"
Severus looked mildly shocked. "I see. And in a manner of speaking, yes. I'm on contract here by higher authorities, though I assure you, it's not my first choice of employment." Snape looked back at James and the sneer rose to his lips unbidden. "And what brings you here with him?"
"That's not your business, is it Snivelly?" James snapped. Lily bit her lip. Time was running short on their end, and she felt certain that before long, someone would question Hastings as to why he'd left his post, and then find out they were here and ultimately kick them out before they even got to see Remus. The redhead made up her mind and stepped between the two before Snape had a chance to reply.
"Look, I know you two don't get along or whatever, but just shut it for now. It's been ages so just forgive and forget and that entire toss. Now look, Severus, can you help us? We're looking for Remus Lupin and we don't have all day."
"Lupin? I can't say I know anyone here by that name. Unless…" He looked at Lily with scrutinizing eyes. "Unless you mean animal seventeen J six." From the blank look Lily gave him, he realized she couldn't possibly know a werewolf identification number. "Never mind. I think I know the…person you mean, just in there." He indicated the last cell in the corridor, and Lily smiled gratefully as she brushed past him.
James, on the other hand, wouldn't be deterred. "So you're here by higher authorities then?" he asked distastefully. "Still groveling at the feet of your Dark Lord then?" Snape's pale face went ghostly and he swallowed convulsively. "Huh, I figured as much. Still as dark and twisted as ever I see, not that I expected much else."
"Oh yes," sneered the slightly shorter man. "And you've changed ever so much since the last day I saw you. Still an arrogant swine who thinks that he can get whatever he wants simply because he wants it."
James pointed his wand furiously as his nemesis copied him a heartbeat after. "You're still just jealous that Lily doesn't want you. And now that she's with me-"
"Don't kid yourself Potter. Lily would never want some troll-brained imbecile like yourself."
"What the hell are you doing here Snivelly? Torturing people who happen to be afflicted by a horrible disease? Getting your rocks off doing some sick experiment? Am I fucking close yet?"
"Last I recall, it's no business of yours what I do anywhere, and I think torture is much more your forte Potter; after all, you've had your fair share of practice at it."
James felt his carefully controlled rage break through and the next thing he was aware of was slamming the thin, pale man into the cold, hard wall, his nose a mere inch away from Snape's. "I swear to fucking god, if you fucking touch Remus, I'm going to-"
"You're going to what?" Snape challenged, smiling an eerie, humorless smile. "You know as well as I that if you even think of threatening me, the consequences will be not at all to your liking."
James pulled back, letting Severus go, biting back his rage with clenched teeth, hating the other man as he smoothed out his robes and wanting nothing more than to beat the stupid gloating, smug look off of his rival's face. "I fucking hate you."
"The feeling is mutual."
XXX
"Remus?" Lily murmured into the dark stink that lay beyond the feeble puddle of illumination the crappy light bulb provided. She could vaguely make out the outline of a motionless figure on the ground and stepped toward it hesitantly.
Suddenly, the figure groaned groggily and rolled over into the half-light and Lily's shining green eyes met the tired amber of Remus. "Oh, hello Lily. What brings you here?" he murmured softly, almost inaudibly.
Lily felt hot tears of gratitude that Remus was still alive and well enough to make bad attempts at humour stream down her face. "Oh Remus," she sighed, dropping to her knees and pulling his thinner-than-usual frame against herself. "How are you? You look horrid."
Remus smirked. "I'm as well as can be expected I guess. And thank you for telling me I look horrid. I would have combed my hair, but I don't have a comb on me…much less anything else."
"This is hardly a laughing matter," Lily chided.
"Though not entirely unexpected."
"Remus!"
"Well, it's true," the lycan replied, his sarcastic bravado deflating. "When you grow up the way I have it's hard not to notice almost everyone hates you on principle."
Lily hesitated to broach the next subject, but gathered up her Gryffindor courage anyway. "So I heard that Sirius er…dropped by…"
Remus snorted derisively. "Yes, Black came by. He is still the veritable bearer of bad things. God how could I have been so stupid to think he actually cared about me? How could I have convinced myself I loved him back?" he added in a whisper Lily didn't catch.
"He does care about you Remus! You should have seen him when he found out he was the one behind this! He looked like his best friend had just died!" Lily thought fleetingly of James. "Okay, maybe even worse than that. But the point is, he was really torn up about it!! I…I think he actually really cares for you Remus. He never meant to hurt you."
"That's what everyone says after they've hurt you," Remus retorted darkly.
"Remus Lupin, I'm utterly ashamed of you! Stop pitying yourself; we're going to get you out of here, one way or another. I promise."
Remus looked at her bright green orbs and a sudden plan formed in the fore of his magnificent grey-celled mass. "Yeah…yeah you are… Lily I need you to do me a huge favour."
Lily smiled at her friend and the man who had saved her, ultimately, from herself. "Anything. I owe you."
XXX
Sirius was sitting on his bed, just staring at those maddening little pills he'd dumped there. He wasn't entirely sure, but he assumed there were enough there to do the tedious job of wiping him off the face of the earth. Now came the hard bit…how best to go about this.
Should he just down them all in a handful and risk choking to death? Or do it one by one and risk falling asleep before he finished? Decisions, decisions… He picked up the empty bottle and squinted to read the directions. They were in tiny, vaguely faded letters and though they were difficult to make out, they were still legible enough to read.
Take one to two capsules before bed. DO NOT OVERDOSE. CAUTION: KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN. If allergic reaction occurs, discontinue use. IF YOU FEAR YOU HAVE OVERDOSED, CALL A POISON CONTROL CENTRE IMMEDIATELY.
What practical instructions…he fervently hoped he wasn't allergic and popped a pair of the pills into his mouth, picking up his glass of water from the nightstand. They went down easily and he waited a few moments to see if he would spontaneously combust or anything. When nothing happened, he shrugged and took another couple, putting them under his tongue and filling his mouth with water. Unbidden, a little tune burst into his head and his subconscious supplied the lyrics.
'We're off to see the Reaper, the terrible Reaper of Death. We're off to see the Reaper, only thirty-one pills are left…' And humming off-key to himself, he swallowed once more, his fingers already anxious on the next few pills.
XXX
Ezekiel (or Zeke to his few friends) Plodwalker strode with the confidence that only power can bring. And seeing as how this man had a rather tasteless eye for hats and a hag's best for features, it seemed the only way he could obtain an air of breezy confidence that some took for granted (the bastards) was through power. And power this man had.
He was the official Head of the Werewolf Regulation and Supervision for the Ministry of Magic. And while this wasn't necessarily as good as being Head of the Department of Mysteries or anything, it still afforded him a reasonable salary (which he cushioned out by blatantly stealing from his subordinates) and a reasonable amount of grudging respect. Hell, it even got a few broads to lie on their backs for him, so it wasn't terrible.
He had decided that evening, to make a rare tour of the facilities he was in charge of, just to see whether or not any more of the experiments had died, and to take a shifty on the beast Snape (he frowned as he thought the name) had done his tests on. Who knew, maybe the thing had gone rabid and he'd be rid of Snape for good. One could hope anyway.
He frowned when there was no one at the front desk, as he'd specifically ordered there always be someone to greet visitors or offer help (with a smile of course) almost the second he got the job. He hated being like the rest of the incompetent idiots who ran sub-departments (especially the ones in the Quidditch Department), where it took you half an hour to find someone to tell you what you needed to know. Disorganized bastards in short.
Determined that he would ream out whatever imbecile had left the desk for whatever reason, Zeke continued on his way through the facilities, finally pulling a key to unlock the last door, only to find that it was already unlocked. His ugly face flushed with his anger. First there was no one attending the desk and now some jerk-off decided to leave the most secure door in the whole fucking building unlocked? Zeke decided on the spot he would bawl out the first sorry individual he saw.
Unluckily for poor Matthew Hastings, he happened to be the first person Zeke laid eyes on, as he stood leaning casually against the wall, humming to himself. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Hastings looked up, shock and fear warring for dominance in his eyes. "M-Mr. Plodwalker!" he stuttered. "What…that's…how come you're-"
"Here?" Plodwalker snapped. "This is my motherfucking facility you dolt! What in the name of Merlin's saggy left nut are you doing here? Why aren't you at your post!?"
"I…someone…" Hastings said brokenly, trying to control the severe urge to vomit he felt rising within him. "They…they said they had b-business…"
"What in the blazes are you on about?" Plodwalker demanded, but Hastings was saved the trouble of replying when Severus Snape loomed from out of the shadows, a sadistic smile marring his normally blank features. "Snape! What the ruddy hell is going on here?"
Snape's black eyes flicked to Hastings, who was pale and trembling, and back to the fat, ugly man before him. "You weren't aware that two individuals had come to pay animal seventeen j six a visit?" he asked smoothly, his enjoyment obviously increasing as he watched Plodwalker's blood pressure rising.
"What!?"
"Oh, so sorry to break the news like this…" said Severus, looking anything but sorry. "Yes, two individuals came to pay animal seventeen j six a visit. They're with it now."
Zeke rounded on Hastings, who flinched. "You! You're fired! Everybody's fucking fired! …Go get them out of there you useless pile of dung!" He screamed when Hastings simply stood there, and the pockmarked youth sped off immediately into the dim to find Lily and James. "Who are these visitors, and what do they want with the beast?" he asked Snape none too politely, still red-faced and breathing angrily.
Severus paused before saying in that inscrutable voice that gave nothing away, "I have no idea."
XXX
Sirius felt drowsy. He had lost count of the number of little pills he'd downed already, but there was only a small pile left. He reached for them, pushing them clumsily into his mouth as his limbs began to lose their functioning, and slopped water down himself as he made to drink them down with the rest. "Damn," he slurred, his vision swimming before his eyes.
He laid back on his bed, reaching out blindly to put the glass back on his nightstand and only vaguely registering the sound of it shattering as he missed the hard surface and tried to set it down on thin air. His eyes closed of their own accord, as his breathing grew heavy. He thought fleetingly of Remus, and felt a surge of guilt burning him inside. But no… It was better off this way.
And as he let the darkness steal over him, that lush, comforting blackness of the deepest of sleeps, Sirius knew that it would all be over soon.
XXX
"Do you understand Lily? Will you do it for me?" Remus asked. Lily, who looked rather frightened, mustered her Gryffindor courage and nodded. Remus smiled in relief, the breath he hadn't realized he was holding whooshing out of him.
There was the sound of sudden, hurried footsteps echoing through the building, and James stuck his head in the cell, looking between the two. "I hate to break this up, but we have to go. Now." Lily stood and James pulled her hurriedly to himself. "We have to Apparate out of here."
Remus, who stood shakily, was shaking his head however. "You can't, it's impossible." Lily, whose stunning eyes were now wide with fear, looked from James to Remus and back, her mind whirling. If they were caught in here, having a friendly chat with a werewolf, they'd be done for. "James! The ring! Quick, Conjure me a big flashy ring!"
The sound of footsteps was louder and much closer now, and as James waved his wand, Lily looked at Remus. "Play along," she whispered, darting out of the cell after snatching the ring from James. "James, hurry up! Make it look like you've been beating the shit out of him!"
Lily jammed the too-small ring onto her left ring finger just as Hastings came into the puddle of light looking wildly around. Her head whipped round at the sound of bone crunching, just catching Remus' form falling to the dirty floor and James rubbing his knuckles. "And if you ever touch my fiancé again, you'll be hoping to Merlin you're locked up somewhere you filth," James sneered. He caught Lily's eye and spotted Hastings, and spat on the floor beside Remus for effect.
"Come on, darling," said Lily in as condescending a voice as she could muster under the circumstances. "I think it might have learned its lesson… Oh Matthew!" she said, turning to face him for the first time. "How perfect your timing is, we're all done here."
Hastings looked from Remus, who groaned and wiped blood from his lower lip, to Lily and James, who had exited the cell and now stood beside the redhead, holding her elbow in case the youth decided to do something stupid. Instead, Matthew Hastings grinned nervously, and beckoned them forward wordlessly.
The followed, James staring straight ahead as he pulled a reluctant Lily away, while she looked over her shoulder, catching one last glimpse of Remus sitting on the dirty floor before the light faded out and she saw nothing except James' lighted wand tip.
She hoped to Godric Remus' plan would work… If not, she didn't want to think about the consequences.
XXX
Author's Note: Well, pardon first of all for the uber long author's note ahead. If you really just don't care, feel free to simply scroll down and press the green writing link that reads Review.
Now. I'M BACK!!! And may I say it feels good. To those of you who don't know, I went and stayed with my older sister for the month of August. I had a blast; laughed until I cried and cried until I could laugh, learned a lot about myself, consoled and was consoled, had some WEIRD dreams and missed everyone terribly. Kisses and hugs and I promise I'll give more warning next time.
I found myself most uninspired due to woeful lack of access to fan fictions and my friends and muses and smut idea comers up with (if that made any sense). But I'll write up what I have got though. Drop me a line and tell me what I've missed!!
Cheers lovelies!!
PS. – OHMIGOD!! I've lost my plot sheet thing for this and I don't remember all that was on it!! (tries not to hyperventilate) But I will find it ASAP. Promise.
Never mind, I found it. (grins sheepishly) GAH! I ripped it in my excitement of finding it after losing it yet again! Hmm…I'm sensing more stupidity on my part than I thought possible here…
PPS. – This is also late because of my stupid ISP (Internet Service Provider). They're lame and stupid. End of story (but not THIS story of course…hah ha…).