Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight… la la la.
There seems to be a little confusion with exactly who had gotten in the car in the previous chapter. I had written, "As usual, he looked amazing, like a male model" as a clear hint to exactly who I was talking about. But nonetheless, that attended to the amount of anticipation you guys had to find out, so I found that amusing. Anyway, on with the chapter!
Ear Candy:
Chasing Pavements – Adele
Nineteen Stars – Meg & Dia
Learning To Fall
A Twilight fanfic by Starfire Star
Chapter Fifteen: The Last Kiss
I let out a small gasp as my mind registered his words. They were words I had been longing to hear for only too long, but now they just sounded wrong. It gave me a strange feeling of hurt for someone so heartbreakingly beautiful and perfect to speak such words for me, someone who was plain and ordinary, yet hopelessly broken.
I choked out my response as my eyes flooded with tears. I never dreamed that I'd cry over a boy again. Alice once told me that no boy was worth my tears. But with Edward, I knew he was no ordinary boy. "I love you too."
We sat in silence for awhile, until he reached over and stroked my cheek, wiping away every new tear that rolled down my face. I trembled under his touch, and he leaned closer. I closed my eyes as I breathed in his scent. "Please don't cry," his velvety voice was muted into a soft murmur. I opened my eyes and looked into his green ones, which looked anxious and upset. It was wrong.
And then he leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. I complied, even though I knew it was wrong. I tried to ignore the electric current running through my body. It wasn't at all like the way we kissed before. It was the complete opposite.
This kiss was calm, with practically no urgency. It was as if time had stopped, as if we were the only two people in the world, and nothing mattered.
And it had to stop, for this reason. Because we weren't the only two people in the world, and everything mattered.
I pulled away from him, trying to cover up the small gasp that escaped my lips. I leaned back in the car seat, but he sat frozen, still leaned toward me. "Bella…"
"Don't say my name, Edward."
He pulled back, looking the least bit settled as he stared at me, his eyes boring into mine. He once said that he wished he could read my mind. I was so unpredictable and the least bit like an open book, in his eyes. And then his eyes softened, and then turned hard, almost icy as he looked away from me.
"Is it incredibly selfish of me to say that I don't want to take back what happened last night?" Edward whispered, still not looking at me. I closed my eyes once more, the tears threatening to spill onto my cheeks. You're not going to cry, I thought to myself. You're not going to cry.
"Yes, yes it is," I barely choked out. "It was wrong, it was completely, utterly, unbelievably…"
"Perfect." His velvety voice was incomprehensibly rich, as if he were choking back tears himself.
"Stop it," I hissed. "Don't make this harder than it already is, Edward. I beg you." For a second, I looked at Edward's face. It seemed as if his green eyes flashed, widening. I felt the pain tingle in my arms and legs, and then puncture straight through my heart. It hurt to think of my emotions, of my thoughts at that very moment. I wasn't unfamiliar to this type of pain.
"You know what? That's what I thought when I met you," Edward's voice was welcoming a story, like music to my ears and making me feel warm inside. But I was dead set on being cold. I didn't want to continue. If he continued, I would never go back now.
"This isn't making it any easier," I said, the tears flowing freely now. He wiped them with the back of his head. "I asked you not to cry," Edward said gently, gathering me in his arms. My breathing increased, and he murmured into my hair. "I hate seeing you cry."
"Okay," I whispered. "But it's the last thing I'll do for you, Edward."
Edward pulled away from me, looking at my face. "Bella?" I knew that by just saying my name, he was asking why.
"The thing is," I choked in his jacket, momentarily distracted by his distinct scent. "I can't do what you ask of me anymore, Edward. You put me in a trance. I automatically do whatever you want me to, but it can't be this way. Not anymore."
"Then I won't ask you to do anything, Bella. It's really quite simple. It's not that complicated," he disagreed, kissing my forehead. I felt like pushing him away, but I only pulled him closer. I dried the last tears from my eyes, and now my head was clearer. Only slightly. I pulled myself together.
"You're wrong," I said, my voice shaky. I was trying to sound cold, but I just sounded afraid. "This is wrong. This is everything that's not supposed to happen. You have Tanya, I have to deal with so many things, and this is the only thing that I can control."
"Maybe you are right. I'm the complete opposite—out of control," Edward laughed a humorless laugh. My throat dried up. That wasn't what I meant.
"N-no, Edward…"
"Since I was young, and that fateful incident that occurred with my parents, I promised myself I wouldn't hurt anyone. But I broke my promise," he said in a low voice, and my heart sank. I felt too hollow to cry anymore, but my body was taking my reaction in a different way. "I hurt you both physically and emotionally. And a lot of people, too, I'm sure."
"Don't blame this on yourself," I said fiercely. "If you do, I just might hate you." I put my hands on either side of his face, forcing him to look at me. As impossible as I thought it was, his eyes looked away from me.
"Hate me then."
I looked at him for awhile, silent. His face looked strained, hurt, cautious, but his eyes were hard, trying to fight back emotion.
"I can't hate you," I whispered to him. "Not when I'm leaving."
Edward froze, finally looking at me. He was temporarily distracted from his self-hatred with my words "You're leaving?"
I sighed. "I've torn the whole house apart. Do you think I have a choice?"
"Yes," Edward murmured. "No one hates you. They can't hate you. They're angrier at Rosalie and me, actually."
"They shouldn't be. With me gone, it'll be just as it was supposed to be. A summer with the five of you." I swallowed the lump in my throat.
"No," Edward shot back. "You changed every single one of us. For the better, in fact."
"Then I can't keep taking care of you all," it hurt to say the words. They were complete lies. I loved every one of them all, even Rosalie, despite their choices. I could hate their choices and decisions, but I could never hate them, or who they were, not when their intentions were noble. They accepted me completely.
Edward stared at me, as if he were seeing me differently for the first time. In a bad way. I stared back into his questioning green eyes. Finally, he spoke, his voice heavy, almost husky. "Where will you stay, then?"
"That's not important. But I'm going to do something that you've been telling me to do for a long time," I whispered back. I hoped he understood what I was talking about. As he remained silent, it was confirmed.
"Don't make me feel selfish, Bella. Don't make me feel like you've done everything for me and I've done nothing for you," Edward said in a low, almost angry voice. I smiled, gently putting my hands back on either side of his face. "Believe me, you've done more for me than you can possibly imagine," I said softly.
Edward looked at me in doubt but said nothing, so I took it as an opportunity to continue. "There's been some… talking done," I said, removing my hands from his face and placing them in my lap, my entire body continuing to tremble.
"And I've done a lot of thinking. I think I'm ready to go back to him. I didn't think I could forgive him for what he did, but I realized I'm more mature than I thought," I let out a shaky laugh, shaking my head. I then focused my eyes on the light of the streetlamp on the sidewalk.
Edward sat there, as if he was unable to move, his face abruptly twisting into hurt, and then smoothly going blank.
I wondered what was going through his head. Part of my attraction for Edward was his predictable unpredictable behavior. The mystery going on inside his mind made me want to know him more, so that possibly one day, I could stop questioning everything he did, every action, every spoken thought, everything.
I would miss it.
He leaned in and pressed his lips softly once more to mine. I let him linger for a moment before he pulled away. He stared into my eyes for a moment, and whispered, "The last kiss." My heart was breaking.
"You still have Tanya," I reminded him, breathless. It hurt to say, but it was true.
He paused for a moment before muttering under his breath, "I don't want her." My eyes widened. He smiled at me, my favorite crooked smile, although it looked different, as if he were forcing it out.
"Goodbye, Bella," he said simply, brushing my hair out of my face once last time before turning his back on me.
As if my arm were gravitating, I reached out toward him, but he had already opened the passenger door to my truck and swiftly got out. I watched, my body numb and cold, as he walked into the night. My heart felt as if it had gotten frostbite. It went from all warm and fuzzy to feeling hollow and frozen.
And at that moment I never wanted to feel again.
-
It was a short while later that Alice called.
I was still sitting my car, feeling hopelessly emotional and (not trying to be a drama queen) depressed. I wanted to get out of this place in my life so badly. But as usual, there were no exits.
Alice was in tears as she whispered, "Bella, where are you?"
"I'm not far away. Alice, what's wrong?" I shifted in my seat, concerned as Alice's soprano voice sounded choked.
"I know you're not coming home, Bella," Alice whispered, her voice smaller now. I could tell she was struggling to compose herself. My mind sparked in alarm—had Edward already told her? Surely he had.
"Oh, Alice, I'm so—" I tried to say, but was cut off abruptly.
It had always been me crying, never Alice. But now it was, and it was up to me to comfort her. But I didn't have the chance. I could hear rummaging in the background and movement as another voice rang in my ears. Jasper's.
"Sorry, Bella," Jasper apologized, his quiet voice a tinged panicked. "Alice is falling to pieces right now. The situation is worse than we expected." I paused for a moment, letting Jasper's words sink in. A familiar knot appeared in my stomach as I asked, "Jasper, what's going on?"
Alice's quiet sobs in the background did not make me feel better as Jasper said, "Rosalie isn't talking to anyone. She's holed up in her room. We could hear her crying, but now we don't hear a thing. Her door is locked, and we've all tried to coax her to come out, but nothing's working. Emmett's already threatened to knock down the door if she doesn't respond. She hasn't responded, and obviously he's not going to do it."
I could tell that Jasper was trying to give me the lightest story possible that was going on. I knew Alice loved Rosalie, but she would be the one comforting her through the door, not the one being comforted. "I see," I said, trying to remain as calm as possible. "…Jasper, is there anything else?"
Jasper hesitated before replying slowly. "…When Edward came home, he seemed pretty upset, almost disturbed. He bolted straight for him room and shut the door. And…" Jasper's voice trailed off as there was more static in the background, and then Alice's voice, still teary but louder now could be heard. "He's leaving, Bella."
My heart started to thud wildly as I gripped the phone in my hand. I turned the key in the ignition and the engine roared to life. "What? Why? Where is he going to go?" I demanded as I drove one-handed, something that I disapproved of. I couldn't care less at the moment.
"He's talking about going back to Chicago," Alice said softly. "He's planning on talking to Carlisle and Esme about it in soon time. I can't have this happen, Bella. I'm not about to have my best friend running away from his problems. Any of my best friends." She emphasized the last line, and I knew she hinted toward me. I sighed in guilt. I had made Edward flee his home and Alice cry. I put my head in my hands.
"I knew something like this was going to happen," Alice declared before I had a chance to say what was on my mind. "I could predict it from the moment we came home from the grocery store. It was evident that something like this would occur. It was as if I could see the whole scenario unfold in my mind…" Alice was temporary distracted by how predictable she felt the situation was. I took a moment to gather my thoughts.
"Alice, I've torn the whole house apart. This is why I have to go—I'm no longer welcomed, nor do I feel inclined to prolong my stay. I let my emotions get in the way of my proper judgment. I'll be the one to pay the price—the only one," I said to her, trying to feel confident, despite the fact that my stomach was sinking.
Edward couldn't leave. He couldn't. That unbelievable yearning for him was still there, regardless of whether I'd halted our relationship indefinitely or not.
"No, Bella," Alice's voice was firm now. I could hear Jasper murmuring soothing words to her. She quickly murmured something back to him before continuing into the phone. "Listen, you may think that you've caused irreversible damage, but it's not like that. We need you here. If you want to do anything to help us, you'll come back to the house right now."
"But Alice—" I tried to protest.
"Please," Alice whispered. "Edward is already in his room, and I can hear the drawers rummaging. He's without a doubt already packing to leave. Maybe you can change his mind. I think you're the only one who could change his mind at this point."
"Call up Tanya. See what she can do," I said dryly. Alice sighed.
"Do you want to make this easy or not? I'm ready to dispatch Emmett and Jasper to go get you," Alice demanded. I shuddered momentarily at the thought of a threatening Emmett and Jasper. "I'll be there," I promised Alice, and hung up before she could say anymore.
I couldn't really convince Edward to stay. It would be impossible; now that I had made it clear I never wanted to see him again. We couldn't be friends with the continuing tension between us. I knew Edward probably didn't want to hear my voice, either, much less see me.
I tried to control my breathing as I drove back to the house. I needed to pick up my clothes and belongings, anyway. I didn't know how much use I'd be to Alice.
-
Alice was sitting on the porch steps, waiting for me. She was no longer crying, but her face was stony and her eyes distant as she watched me slam the car door and walk toward her. "I feel terrible," I whispered as I approached her. She stood, giving me a half-hearted glance before turning and leading the way inside.
"Edward left about two minutes ago," she murmured, her voice quiet and sad. "Emmett, Jasper, and I just about went crazy. We begged him not to leave, but he completely snapped at us. He told us it was obvious that he wasn't leaving—he didn't take anything with him. He said he would be back later."
"Oh," I said, my stomach lurching. Alice sat on the couch, her hands clasped in her lap nervously as she stared blankly out the living room window. I sat next to her, putting an arm around her. "I'm sorry for what's happened, Alice." I couldn't think of anything else to say.
"I know. There are just too many secrets in this house. The roof was bound to blow off in due time," Alice said with a small shrug as she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "I just wish things didn't have to be like this."
"Me too." She had no idea.
"Where's Jasper?" It was strange to see Alice in such a state without Jasper by her side, comforting her. Alice laughed a shaky laugh. "I yelled at him. I was just so stressed. After Edward stormed off, I told him that I needed some time alone." I remained silent, unsure if it was appropriate to comfort her or not.
"I know it was wrong for me to do, but I'm one hundred percent sure that he understands and we can talk about it later," Alice smiled, standing up. This was one of the moments where I wished I was Alice. She was sure of her future. She was sure of how the guy she loved would act. It was the complete opposite for me.
"Don't you want to go pack your things now?" Alice asked me, her face falling out of its beautiful smile.
"I'm not sure if it's the appropriate time—" I hesitated. I didn't want her to start crying again.
"I'll be strong."
-
It was more of me packing, and Alice sprawled across my bed on her stomach, legs in the air. I took the suitcases that I had stored under my bed back out as Alice watched wistfully.
"Wish you didn't have to leave."
"Me too," I sighed as I opened my sock drawer and threw bundles of socks in a small suitcase.
"I feel like it was just yesterday that I helped you unpack," Alice commented as she traced the patterns on my bedspread. "And then we found your engagement ring—"
"Don't remind me." Oh, dear. What a night to remind me about Jacob Black.
Alice laughed, and her mood seemed to have brightened. I piled a few sweaters into another suitcase. She was silent for a moment. "Edward is an idiot for letting you go."
"Hey," I said to her, "I'm sure your best friend wouldn't appreciate you calling him an idiot." My voice was meant to be teasing, but it came out sort of choked.
Alice rolled her eyes at me. "You really love him, don't you?"
I didn't want to respond to her question. I pretended to busy myself with re-folding a few shirts as I said, "I'm used to losing people I love. Actually, I'm quite used to it."
Alice looked at me, unimpressed. "Oh, Bella, stop acting like a drama queen. You deserve to be happy and you know it."
I did. But would it ever happen? It didn't seem like it would.
Alice hopped off my bed and knelt on the floor next to me, deciding to help with the packing. But her eyes widened as she saw that velvet box again, the one that held one of the biggest (not-so-secret anymore) secrets that I've kept. I remember just over a month ago, when she first stared at the box in horror, amusement, and surprise.
She seized it before I could take a grab at it. I silently yelled at myself for not keeping it in a better place. She opened it, still marveling at the sparkling diamonds, and to my surprise, took it out of its snug holding.
"No matter who it's from, it's still gorgeous," Alice insisted, turning the small ring over to look at it from every angle. Suddenly she grabbed my hand and quickly slid the ring on my ring finger. Surprisingly, it was difficult to free myself from Alice's grip. Her small size was enough for anyone to underestimate her strength.
She made me hold my hand out so we could both see how the ring looked on it. It swallowed as I quickly glanced at it. I had never actually seen the ring on my finger—putting it on rendered to me as being too painful. But as I looked at it, gleaming on my hands, I realized just how lovely it really was.
There was a knock at the door. Alice and I looked up, distracted, to see an uncomfortable-looking Emmett standing at the door. "Sorry, was I interrupting a tender moment?" he joked, flashing a smile. He was back to the Emmett I knew again—joking, carefree, and not the least bit serious. I wondered just how long this would last.
"No," Alice said, with a wave of her hand. "But look at this ring—if you're going to tie down a girl anytime soon, Emmett, you might want to take down some notes." She held my hand, gesturing to the ring on my finger as if she were showcasing something on an infomercial.
Emmett's face turned stony. I silently cursed Alice for reminding him of Rosalie, who was still holed away in her room for all I knew. Alice and I quickly glanced at each other before Emmett muttered; shaking his head, "Tell that to Edward. You will never guess who he has downstairs."
Alice immediately jumped up, her face suddenly pale. "Who, Emmett?" she demanded, her hands on her small waist. I stood up, cautious, as Emmett looked over Alice's head to lock eyes with mine. His seem to hold deep regret and guilt; I immediately turned panicked.
"What's going on…?" My voice trailed off as Emmett led the way downstairs with a wave of his head. My heart started hammering wildly as Alice and I flounced behind him, quickly shooting nervous looks at me along the way.
Jasper's voice came into earshot as we descended the stairs. His voice was low and urgent. "Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked nervously.
"Positive." I recognized the voice immediately.
Then the party came within view—Jasper, Edward, and Tanya. I walked stiffly by Alice's side as Emmett went to stand beside Jasper. "Edward…" Alice's voice had a hint of fear in it. "What's going on?"
"I'm sorry for the way I behaved today," Edward apologized as if he had spilt milk. "It was completely out of character for me to do so. But we have some news—good news, for the most part."
A million scenarios whirled in my head as soon as he spoke the words. I willed for none of them to be true, but I learned the hard way that life was never, ever fair. I felt like I was going to be violently sick as my stomach twisted up in a way I'd never felt before. Alice's forehead creased with worry as she quickly glanced at Jasper to see his guilty, almost sad face.
Emmett folded his arms, not looking the least bit amused. In fact, it looked like he would hurt someone if what he heard was something he didn't agree to. I wondered if my face had turned green already. Suddenly the room felt like a rainforest—it was hard to breathe in the thick air.
Tanya raised an arm to swiftly push a lock of strawberry blonde hair over her shoulder. She looked nervous but a bit excited as she lowered her arm and clasped her hands together. Alice reached out of hold my hand.
Edward looked at us, his eyes lowered as he said, his voice almost false with excitement, "Tanya is moving in with us."
And all hell broke loose.
-
Thanks for reading, everyone! Ooh, the plot has thickened even more! I don't even know how many more chapters there will be for this story, not yet. I don't think there will be more than five or six, however. I'm quite shameful to say that writing this has aided my procrastination… I have three projects due on Monday and I haven't started any yet! Ah, I'll never learn. I shall now get rid of the giant pile of tissues next to my laptop (I've been sick) and bid you all adieu (for now)!
By the way, thank you all for voting in my poll! The response was pretty clear on that one, and I think I'll take it into account. Please vote in my new poll! It's the final poll to help me mould the clay for my next Twilight fic! Thanks for all the support, everyone.