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Learning To Fall
A Twilight fanfic by Starfire Star

Chapter Twenty: Relief

I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I wanted to run away. I wanted to pass out and be taken away where I would never see anyone ever again.

All this because I was literally falling to my knees when Jacob appeared, hands in jeans pockets, a sheepish grin on his face, just like the boy I used to know. "Hi," he said with a tiny shrug. Instead of melting like my heart used to do, it stayed shocked, frozen, and was going to crack into a million little pieces.

Jasper's eyes flashed and Alice let out a startled gasp. No doubt with all the talking about him from me she knew his description pretty well, and knew that the boy in front of us was the very boy that I held such disdain for, such heartbreak.

I was dazed. I staggered, but Jasper steadied me. Jacob held his hands out as if he could somehow help, but the look on Jasper's face made him double back. Alice let out a little whimper. "B-Bella…" she murmured. I stood up, giving a grateful nod to Jasper but feeling my cheeks flush at the same time.

"Jacob," I finally managed to spit out as I looked up at his face, his short hair longer since I'd last seen him, making him look more boyish, and if possible, more innocent. Rosalie and Emmett came into the room, Rosalie looking guarded, and Emmett looked outrageously pissed.

But suddenly, as if hit with a strong, invisible force, I knew what to do. My legs were no longer weak, be it because I was no longer looking at him or because I was determined to do this right. I turned around and looked at the faces of my new family, the people who loved me even though they only just met me this summer, and took a deep breath.

This is it, Bella. This is your time. It's time to show everyone what you're made of, I thought to myself, as corny as it seemed. My eyes slowly traveled to up Jacob's face, finally meeting his eyes. Instead of the cold hollow ones I had been so used to seeing, I saw a glimpse of the old Jacob I used to know—the one with the soft eyes, impeccable sense of humour, and just the love of living. I didn't know if I'd ever see that side of him again.

I caught my breath and cleared my mind, finally asking, with the least emotion possible, "Why are you here?"

"I know this—"

The questions flooded my brain, and I had no choice but to blurt them out, in fear that I would never get this chance again.

"How did you get here?"

Jacob's gesture to his motorcycle made me flush in embarrassment. He stared at me for a moment before asking, "Do you mind if I come in? It's kind of… wet out here."

The thunderstorm was starting to clear, and I could even see a peek of sun through the damp, grey sky.

Four pairs of eyes were staring at me, daring me to make any sort of move. I knew they thought it wasn't there place whether or not to invite him into our home. I sighed. I didn't want to invite Jacob in, but I couldn't very well let anyone stand outside in the wind and rain, freezing, and after riding a motorcycle.

My eyes watered a little. The four, now five, pairs of eyes looked alarmed. "Yes, yes I do mind," I said to him in a throaty voice, my failed attempt to sound cold. "We can talk somewhere else."

I tried to avoid the eyes, but it was no use. When I looked up, Jasper had a look of conflict on his face, and Alice was visibly upset. I could tell Emmett was struggling to maintain his cool, and Rosalie looked concerned.

Jacob responded with a simple shrug. "That's fine."

As I pulled on my boots, Alice fluttered to my side and whimpered, "Bella…" her voice was heartbreaking, but there was no turning back now. I turned to her and swiftly pecked her on the cheek. "Thank you, Alice. For everything," I said to her, forcing a smile. "Don't worry about me." Her face changed, turning into a blank canvas. I looked at Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie, who remained alarmed but cautious. I gave them a small smile, all traces of it nowhere to be found as I turned to Jacob.

"Let's go."

"Sure, but you'll have to tell me where we're going. I'm not familiar with this place," Jacob replied, looking expectant. I shrugged. "Okay."

As Jacob headed to his motorcycle, a voice stopped me from following. "Wait," Rosalie called out. "Are you just going to let him walk out the door, after everything he's done? Is no one going to stop him?" She was staring expectantly at Emmett. Emmett cocked his head to the side and said, "I think she can take care of herself. She wouldn't go with him if she didn't know what she was doing."

I stared wordlessly at my family for a swift moment, and then followed after Jacob, who was holding out his spare helmet, and taking it, without ever looking back.

-

It was like the dream I had. Speeding past the small houses on Jacob's motorcycle, my arms wrapped around him, but not tightly, just in case I needed to let go. It was just like before—every time I was on his motorcycle, a part of me, buried deep down, needed to pray. Even though I had truly loved him and could trust him, a part of me couldn't.

Strangely enough, it was the part of me that was actually me.

I directed him to the Pancake house through the noise of the engine and wind. Surprisingly, we made it there faster than Alice and I ever had. He parked in the nearest available space, and I flushed bright pink when I saw all the customers in the diner, staring at us; their jaws dropped open in awe.

Jacob gestured for me to go in first after I took off my helmet and handed it to him. I walked in, bravely trying to ignore the whispers and stares and strange looks I received. I pulled out a chair for myself at a random table and sat down, Jacob sitting across from me.

The waitress came bustling over, obviously eager to get in on any sort of conversation she could overhear and then relay to the other gossipers in town. Without looking up from my menu, I asked if she could give us a few minutes, please. She nodded, glum and disappointed.

As soon as she was out of sight, Jacob leaned in, and spoke in a low, urgent voice. "Bella… I know you must be surprised that I'm here, and I'm sorry for coming here on such short notice…"

I shrugged, trying to remain nonchalant. Inside, I was freaking out.

"Look, I know it was way out of line for me to just leave that night, but I had a lot on my mind…"

The words were flowing out like mush in my ears. I felt fuzzy all over, being brought to that cold, familiar time. I didn't think I'd revisit it again, but here I was, having repeated by the one who hurt me the most. Nevertheless, it didn't delay my reaction. I wasn't about to just sit there quietly, like the old Bella would. And I wouldn't let whatever preceptions I had about him now ruin my plans for a confrontation and full closure. I couldn't forgive him again, I couldn't give him another chance.

"I've heard that one before."

"Could you just listen to me, please? Could you just be the Bella I know and love, and keep quiet?" Jacob asked me, his lips pressing into a hard line.

No, Jacob. I can't be her. She's a completely different person. This is the real me.

I kept quiet. I wanted him to continue. I've waited for this, waited for an explanation. I was going to get it. And if he wanted to do it the hard way, then fine.

"I had to leave, Bella. Listen to me, I had to. I had no choice. How could we get married, with me being the way I was? Drinking, smoking, how could I remain a teenager with a wife? I had to grow up, and I was conflicted. I didn't know whether I wanted to become a grown-up so quickly, or just keep my life…"

"You didn't know where your priorities lay," I said to him flatly. My eyes were watering. I wasn't so used to being angry at someone that tried to reason with me. The hurt was bottling up, and was soon going to explode.

"Yes, I did," Jacob pleaded desperately, his eyes growing huge. "With you. I've changed, Bella, I've changed. We can be together. We can have the life we've always wanted. We can start all over."

Had I really wanted the life he'd pictured for us? Or was I just eager to escape my lonely, dismal existence and have the feeling of being alive again? It seemed the latter was the obvious truth now. Although it sent shivers down my spine thinking about it, I could now stare at Jacob calmly. I could not express my true feelings without the fear of being hurt. I would not cry, no, I would not shed another tear over someone who had such little importance in my life.

"We can't, Jacob," I told him, my voice wavering a little. "We just can't be together."

"What are you talking about?" Jacob asked incredulously, as if the thought were ridiculous. "I know I was an ass, but I've already told you why and what I've done about it. This is it, we can start over."

He hadn't exactly told me what he had done to change himself. Going away was the true thing to do, the best thing to do? I didn't see it.

"No," my voice was quieter now. "You've changed, Jacob, sure. But here's the thing—so have I."

"You can't know that," Jacob ruefully laughed. I stared at him with wide eyes. Shaking my head for a moment, I said, "How do you know that was the life I've always wanted?"

Now it was Jacob's turn to stare. "Is this some kind of joke?"

I looked back at him with questioning eyes. "What do you think? Do you think that it was my dream to get married at eighteen like my mother did? Do you think I wanted to get knocked up at a young age? God, blinded by you, by everything made me think it was a good idea at the time. But now, now—" I paused. "It just seems ridiculous."

"Bella, where the hell is this all coming from?" Jacob asked, his tone the warning tone that always sent of caution signals in my brain, the ones that told me to stay on his good side, or I would face the consequences. But this was a public place. Then again, I didn't know Jacob might do.

"This is coming from a different girl, the one who I really am. The one who was there before you—before everything happened," I said, my voice edged with hurt but still striving to stay strong. "When you left, Jacob, it really put things into perspective for me."

"Bella," Jacob began, slowly, "What—"

"Please," I whispered, "Listen to me. When you proposed, I wanted everything that you promised. I wanted a life with you; I wanted to be married and to be alive and free, without any obligations, without any regrets, without anything to hold me back. I wanted to be loved forever, to have someone there for me, someone to protect me. But when you left, I realized that what we wanted was foolish. It wasn't realistic, and it really would've been poisonous for me in the long haul. I changed back into the girl I was, the girl I will always be, the healthy girl who's herself, and better yet, who has friends who actually like her! I'm not lonely anymore, Jacob." I couldn't look at him as I spoke. Was I afraid that he would hurt me physically, or by the look on his face? I didn't know.

"Can't you be yourself and with me, Bella?" Jacob asked. "I know you. You've been happy with me. If you were happy then, how difficult would it be to be happy with me now?"

"Very difficult," I replied. "I don't trust you, anymore, Jacob."

The waitress returned, looking very apprehensive. I could see her throwing back anxious looks to her manager, who was standing behind the counter, arms crossed against his chest. "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you folks will have to order something. We don't like loiterers," she whispered, apologetic.

"Oh," I said, startled and embarrassed. "Well, uh…"

"I'll have a Sprite," Jacob nodded to her. The waitress looked back at me, and I shook my head. "I'll be leaving soon, thanks," I said.

Jacob looked at me, confused. "We haven't finished talking, Bella. You have to listen to me. I've changed, you can trust me one hundred percent. I know I've made mistakes, but that's all in the past now."

"That's not it." Every refusal I gave him, every shake of my head, took a small amount of weight off my shoulders. It was like I was slowly taking in new air. I felt like I could breathe.

"Then what is it, Bella?" Jacob asked me, frustration edging his voice. "You're not giving me any answers. Is there something wrong with me? Are you in love with someone else?" He asked this as if the idea were absolutely ridiculous. It was like a blow to the gut—it was as if he had seen me as worthless, as if no one would want me and I could go running back to him as soon as he returned.

I was in love with someone else. It was so easy to admit now, but so hurtful at the same time. "Yes, I'm in love with someone else, if you really want to know," I told him, my voice stronger now. "But you know what? That doesn't even matter now, Jacob. I can't be with you. I can't trust you; I can't even be around you. And you know why? It's because you changed me, not in ways that I liked, as I look back now. Everything that we've been through has changed me; it's given me more insecurities than I've had before I met you. And because of that, I can't even be with the person I love because I can't let go of the past, I can't get over the pain. But seeing you, now, I feel like maybe, just maybe, I can."

"Who the hell is the guy?" Jacob demanded. Just like him to. It was just like him to ask in jealousy about who a potential threat to him was, and not at all about myself. It was as if he hadn't heard me at all.

I laughed a cold laugh. "It doesn't matter now. He'll never be with me, I missed my chance, I was too late. But I can't be with you, Jacob. I used to think that you'd come back, that everything would be perfect…"

Jacob interrupted me. "So does that mean I've wasted my time?" he asked me, giving me a cold stare. "God, Bella, you could've given some advance notice. I come back to Phoenix, find from our friends that you're gone, and have to scavenge my way through everyone, even your mother, just to find where you were in order to come back to you, and now that I'm here, you don't even want to get back together?"

"What the hell, Jacob," I cried out, annoyed. "I never asked you to come back. But no, it wasn't a waste of time. Not for me, anyway. Thanks to you, I know what I want. I know what I have to get over, and what I've already gotten over…"

"Can you cut the crap, already, Bella?" Jacob said angrily. "You drag me all the way out here for nothing… nothing at all! Shit, could you have been more selfish?"

My eyes widened. Jacob, calling me selfish? If I didn't know he was this idiotic, I may have been denser than I thought. "I'm not selfish, Jacob." I really didn't have anything else to say to him. He didn't deserve my excuses, my words. I felt better about myself than I felt in a couple of years, and I wasn't about to let him take that away from me.

"Yes, you are. You don't want to even listen to what I've had planned out for us in the future, everything that can happen now, now that I've come back. We can get married, get a place somewhere…" Jacob was so persistent. Every dream that I had about him had already burned away. Why couldn't he see that? Why was he so stubborn?

"It's too late," I murmured, looking him in the eyes. "I'm sorry, but I already pictured all that. It was something that could have been, but it isn't possible anymore. I saw the house, the kids, the life, but I don't think we're on the same page. I mean, I don't think you even want kids."

I didn't tell him about the tiny child, not even old enough to be called a child, that we had already lost. I kept that locked inside of me, and even I was not about to reveal that to Jacob. It would be all the more reason for him to say we should be tied together.

Jacob blinked at me. "I think we're a bit too young for kids." I wanted to punch him. I was so exasperated—were things really this hard to explain to him before? Oh, right. I usually let him do the talking.

The waitress arrived with Jacob's Sprite. I stared at it for a moment, and wondered if it was my cue to leave. Jacob looked up at me expectantly, the waitress giving me the same look as if she expected me to order something.

And then my phone rang.

"Bella? Bella? Oh my God, are you okay?" Alice cried from the other end of the line. My eyes widened in panic. "Yes, I'm fine. Alice, what's going on?"

"Bella, you have to get over here. It's urgent. It's nothing bad—no one is hurt, but really, this involves you. You have to get over here as soon as possible or else… I can't explain in on the phone. It's too much. Listen, I'll try to postpone things but you need to be here… right now. Oh, and when Jacob comes, Emmett does plan to kick his ass. Just so you know. Okay, so be here! Bye!" Alice nervously rushed the ending. But throughout the entire call, she sounded breathless and scared. I hung up the phone, Jacob looking extremely pissed off.

"You could've ignored the call, you know. It's rude to take a call when you're in the middle of a conversation."

I glared at him. "We weren't in the middle of a conversation. And what makes you exactly deserve my respect?"

Jacob's eyes flashed. "Bella, I'm—"

The waitress stood there gaping at us, notepad and pen in hand, before Jacob snarled at her, "Do you mind?" Her eyes widened and she walked away with her nose in the air. I predicted only a few minutes before the manager would kick us out. It was just as well, anyway.

"I really don't have anything else to say to you, Jacob," I murmured, looking into his eyes. "This is it—goodbye. But listen, before I leave, there's something I have to say."

Jacob opened his mouth in protest, but I continued. "I don't hate you. If anything, you've helped me learn more about myself. And for that, I thank you." Relief washed over me. Was this what I wanted all along? Was this what I needed? I was no longer afraid of Jacob. He could no longer attach himself to me; the pain didn't have to linger anymore.

"Bella, wait!" Jacob called after me. I stopped and slowly turned around, walking back to him so he would've have to scream something out in front of the whole diner. "What is it?" I asked him.

"I love you."

"No, you don't. Not me, anyway," I told him. Surprisingly, I was able to smile. Jacob put his arm down, a symbol in my mind of him letting go, him admitting defeat. It was no longer a symbol of hurt, destruction. I would no longer see him reach out his arm to strike me, or to brush the hair out of my face, to control me.

I walked out of the diner, out of his life, away from my past. I was ready to go meet my future, wherever it was. If I was able to get there—my heart sunk when I realized that I didn't have any means of transportation back to the boarding house, where I was sure Alice was calling from. I dialed her cell.

"Alice?"

"Bella! How is everything? When are you getting here? How are you getting here? And you really have to hurry!" Alice sounded even more nervous now. I heard a murmur of voices behind her, and my pulse started to quicken,

"I-I don't know, Alice," I stammered. "I don't know how to get back. But will you just tell me what's going on, right here, right now? I can't stand surprises. I can't stand this."

"Where are you?"

"In front of the pancake house."

"Oh, good," Alice said, her voice hinting relief. "We already dispatched Emmett. I'll just call and tell him where you are. Stay there. Ev—"

I interrupted her. "Uh, Alice, I think Emmett's already here." Sure enough, his large grey jeep pulled into view, narrowly missing a few cars on its way into the parking lot. I was about to walk to where he pulled up to, but Emmett jumped out of the car, the engine still running.

"Bella! Are you alright?" Emmett asked me, his voice a growl. I nodded. "Emmett, if you want something in the diner, you have to park! You can't just leave the engine running…"

"Oh, I want something from the diner," Emmett said, nodding to Jacob's shiny motorcycle. "I want to kick that Jacob Black's ass! But I don't need to park, since I'm sure it'll take no time at all."

And then rolled up his sleeves and headed inside.

"Wait, Emmett, don't!"

-

Hey guys. So I've just eaten a slice of Cheesecake Factory Double Chocolate Cheesecake, my comfort food. I'm pretty sure I just flunked an exam, which practically guarantees I flunk the course, which puts en-route of the ass-kicking of the century from my parents. Well, they're not going to actually kick ass, like Emmett (haha), more like, lecture me until the end of the century. Sigh! By the way, this chapter isn't supposed to end on a dramatic note! You guys really shouldn't worry or think drama is going to happen with Emmett's ass-kicking… it's just business, in Emmett's case. Oh man, I love him. He's one of my fav characters to write. By the way, the next chapter, as of now, is going to be the Big Finale! Then after that will be the Epilogue. Goodness, I'm so sad and excited to write it at the same time! As always, I hope this wasn't so long and you're just like cut the blah blah blah, get on with the next chapter! I will! I'm going as fast as I can, haha! Love you guys and thank you for the kick-assreviews! They kick-ass harder than Emmett! I think I've used exclamations and the word kick-ass too much! I think I'll stop! Have a great one :)