Katekyo Hitman ED!
By The Mauve Lantern
Target 4: ED-spulsion Crisis
It was a sunny day at Peach Creek Academy, with nary a cloud in the sky; the conditions were perfect for going out to play.
"I can't believe we have to have class on such a beautiful day!" May Kanker moaned as she and her friend Edd walked to class. "It's so unfair!"
"Well, think of it this way," Edd said as he put a reassuring hand on his friend's shoulder, "It's almost the weekend, and you won't have any classes to worry about after today!"
May let out a sigh of relief, and told him, "Thanks, Double D, but that's just one of the reasons I don't want to go to class today…"
"What's the other reason?"
"We're getting our math tests back today, and I KNOW I did a bad job!" the poor girl wailed as she began to wring her hands out of nervousness.
Edd knew why May was so upset: math had always been her worst subject, and the only reason she was in as high a level of math as him was because the dean had permitted it. May always had to study with Edd, but even that didn't do much good at times. She just wasn't gifted when it came to numbers.
He said to her, "Just try not to worry about it so much. Besides, even if you do fail, what's the worst that can happen?"
"The worst thing that could happen?" she asked, "Mr. Garrison is the worst thing that could happen…"
--
A few minutes later, the bell had rung, signaling the start of the next class of the day; Edd and May were already in their seats, and waiting for Mr. Garrison to hand back the tests from a few days ago. The windows were open, letting in a warm breeze that eased the students' minds, and if one were to look outside, they would see a certain mafia hitman sitting in the old oak tree that stood next to the building.
Mr. Garrison walked into the room, briefcase in one hand and a puppet in the other; for some reason, Mr. Garrison believed that teenagers could still be taught with the use of ridiculous hands puppets. He was an older man, maybe in his fifties or sixties, who wore glasses and was completely bald on top of his head, with the exception of some gray hair on the sides and back. His clothing was usually the same everyday: a green button-up shirt, dark-green slacks, and a pair of brown loafers. What stood out most, however, was his cynicism and his harsh attitude towards his students.
"Okay, listen up, you little monkeys," the man said as he placed his briefcase on his desk, "I have your tests graded, and I have to say: these were atrocious, even for you 'geniuses'."
This can't be good, Edd thought to himself.
Mr. Garrison opened up the briefcase and pulled out a small stack of papers, and he said to the class, "When I call your name, come up here and get your test. Monroe?"
"Here."
"Lazlo?"
"Here, Mr. Garrison."
"Eric?"
"Yeah."
May sat at her desk, her head cast down in shame, as if she had already found out her grade. Her hands were folded in prayer, and she thought in her mind, "Please God, don't let me fail. Don't let me be the worst one in the class. Oh, why, WHY does Garrison have to be our teacher!?"
Finally, Mr. Garrison called out, "May?"
"Yes?"
Before the girl could take her test back, her teacher smirked and ripped it out of her hands, examining it one more time. "This is just a hypothetical question," Garrison began, ready to tear May apart, "But let's suppose for a minute that there's one student in class who always scores in the twenties, dragging the class average down horrifically…"
May said nothing in response, and only wondered how bad she truly did.
Mr. Garrison paused to adjust his glasses, but kept on going after that. "This is just the opinion of a Harvard graduate, but I think that person is basically baggage for society, and a burden on the rest of her classmates."
He flipped over May's test, revealing a big, fat "26", written in red marker, circled and underlined multiples times. "Is there any reason for that kind of reason for that kind of trash to exist?"
All of May's classmates were stunned at Mr. Garrison's latest attempt to humiliate his students, but there were still those who mumbled loud enough for May to hear.
"Did you see that?"
"26 points! Geez!"
"Man, Mr. Garrison is such a jerk."
The teacher went back to returning tests, calling out the next name, "Ginger?" while May slowly walked back to her desk, her feeling of dread earlier now mixing with an overwhelming sense of fury.
"Dammit, why the hell is Garrison such an asshole?! Just because he graduated from Harvard, he thinks he has the right to pick on people who get bad grades! WHAT A BASTARD!!" When she finally got back to her desk, she almost cried; Edd saw this and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, as if to tell her everything would be okay.
At that moment, Eddy Marconi strolled into the room ten minutes late for class and his hands shoved his pockets. The whole class went silent as they stared at Eddy, wondering if he knew what Garrison would do to late students.
"Odd," thought Edd, "Why is Eddy late for class?"
Mr. Garrison voiced Double D's question, and shouted at Eddy, "Hey, you're LATE, Mr. Marconi! What the hell do you think you're doing showing up late to my class?!"
Eddy spun his head to face the Math teacher, and gave him a glare that could kill as he said, "What?" This was enough to make Mr. Garrison back down and simply watch as this new, dangerous student made his way over to the empty desk next to Edd.
Word had spread fast about the Italian boy, as evidenced by the murmurs that drifted around the room:
"Man, that guy is SCARY!"
"I heard he took out the ghetto seniors!"
Edd had his eyes shut and was thinking to himself, "I don't know him, I don't know him; if anyone asks, I do NOT know him!" He opened his eyes a little bit, and saw that Eddy was walking his way. "Good lord, he's headed this WAY!"
Eddy reached Edd's desk, and smiled brightly as he slapped his boss's back, saying, "Morning, Double D! How's the 10th doing today, huh?"
Again, the kids in class began to talk amongst themselves:
"What th-WHAT'S GOING ON!?"
"Are those two friends?"
"Nah, Edd probably became his bitch," said one boy with bushy brown hair and rather large buckteeth.
Double D tried to plead his case with everyone by telling them, "N-No, you've got it all wrong," but in his head he was thinking, "May's ready to kill Mr. Garrison, and Eddy will just make things worse; I can't have people thinking I'm a gangster!"
By now, Mr. Garrison had recomposed himself, and said to the class, "Here's another hypothetical situation: let's say there's a retard student who arrives late to class without a care in the world; he decides to sit with OCD-Boy and the failure, placing himself amongst trash. This is because, as they say, birds of a feather flock together."
Eddy froze in mid-stride, and then spun to face the teacher. He glared from behind the hair that covered his eyes, and he started to say, "Listen, old man…" Then he lunged at the math teacher, and grabbed him by the collar as he slammed him against the blackboard. The boy told Mr. Garrison, "You do NOT get to mock the 10th boss of the Vongola family, Eddward Carson! You can mock that girl with the beaver teeth all you want, but you will NOT mock me or the BOSS!"
Everyone in the class turned to Edd, who was clutching his head, and breathing heavily, wanting to vanish at that moment. "DON'T SAY MY NAME OUT LOUD!" the boy screamed in his head.
As Mr. Garrison was pinned against the wall, he choked out, "I-I was just…hypothetically speaking…"
May jumped out of her chair and shouted at Eddy, "MARCONI, YOU JERK! I do NOT have BEAVER TEETH!"
"Shut up, Beaver-Girl!" Eddy shouted back in reply, and then he turned back to Edd and smiled, as he asked in an almost sing-song voice, "Is this all right, Double D?"
"Don't LOOK at me, you idiot!" Edd thought as he looked around at his classmates, "I'm NOT involved with this!"
"Decimo(1), you want I should finish this guy off for ya?" Eddy asked, despite Mr. Garrison's obvious gagging.
"Leave me alone; for the love of God, LEAVE ME ALONE!"
--
"You three," Mr. Garrison shouted, "ARE EXPELLED, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY!"
May, Eddy and Edd now stood in the vice-principal's office, with their math teacher standing in front of them, pointing an accusing finger in their direction.
"Now now, please try to remain calm, Mr. Garrison," Vice-Principal Bone said, "Perhaps you're over-exaggerating a little bit?"
Mr Garrison glared at him and shouted, "REMAIN CALM?! I was physically assaulted by one of my students, another one's an idiot, and Eddward must be the ring leader here! They must all be expelled for joint responsibility!"
While May was slightly nervous and Eddy was stoic and arrogantly smirking, Edd was downright panicking. "How in the world was I dragged into this?!"
Vice-Principal Bone told Mr. Garrison, "We can't exactly expel them without warning like this; after all, Edd IS, legally, the property of the school."
"Hmph." Mr. Garrison said in frustration; then, he got an idea. "How about we give them some time before we remove them from the school?"
"Umm, what do you mean?"
"Well, Mr. Bone, if I recall correctly, there was a time capsule buried under the campus fifteen years ago that we've had trouble finding; you were going to have some professionals find it, right?"
The vice-principal put his finger to his chin and said, "Yes, I remember. What about it?"
"Let's have these kids do it," Mr. Garrison told him as he looked over the three students, "If they can dig up the time capsule by this evening, then this issue will be forgiven; if they CAN'T, they will be expelled immediately!"
Edd and May recoiled in shock, for they knew how daunting the task ahead of them was: PCA buried a time capsule every year, in all sorts of places around the campus; even if they managed to find one, they wouldn't even be sure if it was the one they were looking for!
"Th-That's outrageous!" Edd shouted at Mr. Garrison, "We can't find it in one day!"
May and Eddy glared ferociously at their teacher, who had a wicked smirk on his face; he knew that he had won.
--
The sun was shining, and there wasn't a single cloud in the sky; some of the little kids were running around on the soccer field for their recess time. There were plenty of happy kids on this day, but Edd Carson was not one of them.
"Receiving a 92 on a test? That's nothing," the capped boy thought to himself as he walked down the stairs of the Cameron Hall. "If I were suspended, that would mean that I could have more time to work on my various projects. But to be expelled is something different. I won't be able to see NAZZ!"
"I DON'T WANT TO BE EXPELLED!" he shouted as he gripped his hat, trying to think of a solution.
A familiar voice asked him, "If you really don't want to be expelled, then why aren't you doing anything to prevent it? You wuss."
Edd turned to the source of a voice, only to discover it was an air conditioner. "Reborn?" he asked, "Is that you?" Suddenly, a knob on the machine opened up, revealing a tiny Reborn, no bigger than Edd's thumb. "Good LORD! Wh-What the deuce happened to you!?"
The miniature Reborn shot his tongue out, and whapped the poor boy right in the eye; the pain was incredible, and he clutched his eye in agony as he rolled on the ground. "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! MY EYE-AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!"
Reborn vanished in a puff of smoke, revealing a small, green lizard; the actual infant hitman walked out of the main component of the air conditioning unit saying, "This is Leon, the shape-shifting chameleon. You might not have noticed him because he likes to hide, but he's been on my head this whole time."
"I DID notice, you lunatic!"
A pair of voices called to Edd, signaling their presence in the machine.
"Yo, Decimo, over here."
"Hey Double D, you're here too?"
May and Eddy crawled out of the air conditioner, making Edd ask, "How in the world did you all FIT in there?!"
Eddy pointed back into the unit, and said, "Reborn was just teaching Beaver Girl about the basics of killing."
Using this as a chance to see Reborn's hideout, Edd discovered that it was actually very nice: there was carpeting, an espresso machine, a nice couch and a coffee table, and even a small desk. "That's really…impressive," the awe-struck boy thought to himself.
"More like, he was reminding YOU about them," May growled at the Italian boy, "After all, you nearly wasted Mr. Garrison!"
"SO?!" Eddy screamed, "You would have done the same thing!"
"Of course I would; the man is SATAN! But I wouldn't have killed him in front of a class full of people!"
Reborn coughed, and reminded the two teenagers that their friend/boss was right in front of them; the friend that was going to be expelled for THEIR mistake.
Eddy threw himself at Edd's feet, and bowed his head as he begged his boss, "Double D, I am SO SORRY! If I had known that you didn't want to be expelled, I wouldn't have choked your teacher!"
May copied Eddy, and clung to her best friend's leg as she sobbed, "Oh Double D, forgive me! I'm a horrible friend to get you expelled like this! It's ALL MY FAULT!!"
"It-It's okay, guys; we'll, uh…we'll work something out." Edd told his friends, not really believing his own words.
"Since things are the way they are," Eddy said as he got back up, "We need to dig up the time capsule, regardless of the cost!"
May wiped away her tears, and looked at Eddy as she told him, "You're right! For once, you're RIGHT! We have to do something about this!"
The two of them concocted a plan in their heads, and they turned to Edd and Eddy said, "I think we know how we're going to find it…"
"Leave it to us!" May declared as she pumped her fist in the air.
"Unbelievable," Edd thought as he looked over his friends, "Ordinarily, these two would be ripping each other apart! But right now, they're both dead-set on helping me keep from being expelled!"
Eddy reached into his pockets and pulled out an armful of green yo-yos, and he happily told May and Edd, "The job will go a lot quicker if we blow up the grounds with THESE!" He passed off a few to May and a few for the boss, and he said to them, "These are your shares. Do with them what you will, but make sure you rip the string out and then hurl 'em quickly; these things are like grenades."
The blonde girl gripped hers and excitedly said, "Got it!" and she ran off down the hall, shouting, "I'm going to get some other supplies!"
Meanwhile, Double D was still unsure why in the hell Eddy was giving him GRENADES! "Wha-What the devil are you thinking, Eddy!? Using grenades to blow up the grounds will only get us in more trouble!"
His pleas fell on deaf ears, as Eddy ran down the hall, shouting to his boss, "I'll see you down there in a few minutes!"
"WAIT! I DON'T WANT THESE! TAKE THEM BACK!" Edd cried, but it was too late; Eddy had run off to the school grounds, ready to blow it to kingdom come.
The frightened boy looked down at the deadly toys in his hands for a moment, and then he sprints back down the hall, in the opposite direction of May and Eddy. He murmured to himself, "NOTGOODNOTGOODNOTGOODNOTGOODNOTGOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!" As he ran past the teacher's lounge, however, he heard a couple of teachers talking; one of them was that horrid Mr. Garrison.
"Geez, you are SICK, Garrison!" Mr. Lumpus said as he took a sip of coffee.
Mr. Garrison chuckled evilly and told the other teacher, "It's the vice-principal who's sick, Lumpus; he forgot that we never buried a 15-year time capsule!"
In his mind, Edd was screaming, "What the deuce!?"
"Those little turds are expelled regardless of what they do," Mr. Garrison said as he turned to the puppet that adorned his hand and asked, "What do you think, Mr. Hand?"
Mr. Hand tapped his chin for a second, and then declared, "Hmm…maybe if those butt-monkeys tear the whole campus in half, we'd reconsider…"
"That son of a-HE WAS PLAYING US THIS WHOLE TIME!" Double D screamed in his head, but a sudden quake in the ground knocked him from his feet. The whole school rattled from the tremor, and the sound of several explosions and a jackhammer reached the students' ears as everyone inside ran to the windows to see what was up.
"What? What's going on!?"
"The whole field is blowing up!"
"Who's causing this?!"
Edd sunk to his knees with a sickening realization: "Those two have already started…" The yo-yo grenades fell from his hands as he began to sob, "It's over…it's all over. There's no time capsule to be found; there's no way we can stop from being expelled. I guess…I guess I'll never see Nazz again…"
"May and Eddy don't think so," Reborn said as he poked Edd's forehead with a loaded handgun, "There must be a way to avoid expulsion."
"REBORN, N-!" BANG! The weak boy's body flew back from the gunshot, a stream of crimson blood flying through the air with it; before it even hit the ground, the reborn Edd burst out of the torso, clad in nothing but his boxers.
"REBORN!! I WILL DIG UP THAT CAPSULE AS IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!!" he shouted as he raced down to his friends; as he ran, Leon the chameleon hopped onto his shoulder and clung on tightly.
Edd reached the blast zone, where Eddy was getting ready to hurl another round of grenade yo-yos and May was circling around the vicinity on a jackhammer. The Italian boy saw that his boss had arrived, and he shouted, "We've been waitin', Decimo!"
"HHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, DDDDDDDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEE DDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" May hollered as she tore up the ground.
Leon hopped into Double D's hand, and the boy hollered at him, "LOCATE THE GROUND'S WEAKNESS!" The lizard nodded, and changed its form: it made its body longer, and much thinner, then it split into two and became sleek and metallic.
"DOWSING ROD!!" the deathperation-fueled boy roared as he clutched the transformed-chameleon in his hand.
The cigarette that was in Eddy's mouth dropped along with his jaw, and he cried out, "FREAKIN' AWESOME!"
From his window-view of the action, Reborn said, "Leon can only change into he has seen before and is as big as he is." Then he looked straight ahead and asked, "But you guys already knew that, didn't you?"
Down below, the dowsing rod began to tremble in Double D's hands, and he hollered, "I FOUND IT!! THE FAULT LINE IS RIGHT HERE!!" To show May and Eddy where it lay, the boy pointed directly below him. "HERE I GO!!" he roared as four more bullets made contact with his body.
Reborn, now holding a sawed-off rifle, looked straight at the readers and said, "A shot to the shoulder, elbow and arm is a three-hit combo named "Megapunch Shot"; a direct shot to the spinal cord is a Heat-resistant Skin Shot, allowing the body to handle any heat level up to 11."
Eddy hurled a dozen grenade yo-yos, and shouted, "I'M COMING TOO!!"
"CCCCCCCOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT MMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNN TTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" May screamed as she rode the jackhammer over to the blast zone.
As the grenades flew through the air and the jackhammer quickly approached, Edd cocked his fist, and brought it down with all the force he could muster. The combination of super-powered punches, army-grade explosives and heavy-duty construction tools proved enough to create a divide in the ground, splitting and driving deep into the ground.
Nazz ran up to the window and asked Lazlo, "What's going on?!"
"It's an earthquake or something; there's a huge crack in the ground!"
Mr. Garrison ran out once the ground stopped shaking, and he shouted, "IT'S THAT MARCONI BOY, THAT KANKER GIRL, AND THAT SOCKHEADED KID! What the HELL do they think they're doing!
"EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, ALL OF YOU ARE EX-!" He was stopped by Eddy, who shoved several old papers into Mr. Garrison's face. All of them were math tests, and they all were in the single digits, ranging from 0-3.
"The time capsule from 15 years ago didn't show up," Eddy said as May and Edd searched through several of the other capsules that had been unearthed, "This one from 40 years ago, on the other hand, DID. And I've got one question, Mr. Harvard Grad: why are the tests of some elite academic like you in the time capsule of our dinky little school?"
"Th-That's…"
"And these scores! Seriously, what the hell?!"
Herbert Garrison was fired from Peach Creek Academy on April 17th, 2009, for lying about his academic history. In reality, Mr. Garrison attended some crappy college in South Park, Colorado.
--
"Thank you so very, very much, you guys," Edd told his friends as he breathed a sigh of relief, no longer in danger of being expelled, "I am so glad the vice-principal decided not to punish us for blowing up the school grounds!"
"Oh, come on, Double D!" May said to his friend, "You were seriously worried?"
Eddy patted Edd on the back and solemnly said, "I'd risk my life, boss, to make sure nothing bad happened to you!"
"Wow, Eddy…May, thank you so much!"
Reborn looked up at his student and asked him, "Isn't it great having such a loyal follower in Eddy?"
"Are you mad, Reborn!? I already said I don't want to be a mafia boss; that means NO SUBORDINATES!" Edd screamed at his tutor. "Besides, how is Nazz supposed to like me when I've got two psycho-assassins tailing me everywhere?!"
"Oh yeah," Eddy said as he rummaged through his pockets and removed a few pieces of paper, "The tests are really freakin' hard, don'cha think?" The tests in his hands were even worse than May's, and that was saying something.
While Edd gawked at his "subordinate", Reborn told Eddy, "You should learn from your boss, Marconi."
So, the three of them walked off into the sunset, back to their dorm rooms…
"Hey, Beaver Girl, where'd you learn to ride a jackhammer like that?"
"I competed in the annual 'Summer Jack-Off Contest(2)', Bling-Bling Boy."
"Can't you two stop for five MINUTES!?"
--
(1): DecimoTenth, in Italian.
(2): Rocko's Modern Life reference