DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN Katekyo Hitman Reborn NOR Ed, Edd n Eddy.

Target 7: Cry Baby Phil

"I suppose…he would be buried in the P-Pine Barrens?"

"Wrong."

Eddward's dormitory room was consumed in a massive explosion. At the moment, the studious boy was being quizzed on various mafia facts, such as where one would bury a dead body if one were in New Jersey. Otherwise, it was a very peaceful day.

When the smoke cleared out of the room, Eddward crawled out from behind the blast shield he had constructed earlier that week. "What sort of tutor teaches his students where to dispose of victims and then blows them up for answering incorrectly?!" he shouted.

"My sort," replied Reborn, the mafia tutor that was teaching Eddward how to be the boss of the Vongola family. "This is how I roll." Standing in front of Reborn were three boxes with levers on the top. If his student were to answer incorrectly, he would push down on the lever and the room would blow up in a spectacular fashion.

"That's SO unbelievably wrong!"

"You said you were going to read up on this so that I might loan you money for a new Scientific Journal."

"At the rate I'm going," Eddward paused to wipe away the soot and sweat on his brow, "I'll be dead before I see a single cent from you!" The boy leaned back and sat down on his cushion. His blast shield was still in his hands.

Why do I have to spend my day off from classes learning the proper manner of assassination? Eddward readjusted his hat. For once, he wished he was not taking a quiz. He was not in the mood for one of Reborn's shenanigans today. He was dressed in his model-making clothes: a plain white t-shirt, a pair of grey sweatpants, and a pair of black Converse All-stars. Bored, he looked out the window and spotted something very peculiar. It was so peculiar, it made him shout, "What th- ?!"

Outside, perched on a tree branch, was a little boy, no bigger than Reborn, who had a black handgun drawn and aimed at Eddward's tutor. The child had a very flat face, with a button nose and two very round eyes. His hair was a dirty brown and was as fluffy and ratty as a torn ball of cotton. He was wearing an all-over body suit that was green and had white ducks printed all over. The boy was cackling like a madman.

"Okay," said Reborn, "let's review what we just covered, shall we?"

"Hey, Reborn! There's a-"

The boy shouted, "Die, Reborn!" and closed one eye as if he were aiming.

"If the target is in a crowded area, we'll use this type of gun…"

"Reborn, there's a weird little boy out there wearing ducky pajamas! Look out the window! Hurry!"

"Take that!" The boy pulled the trigger, but all that came was a click. "Huh?" Another pull, another click. Pull, click, pull click.

Oh, crud-monkeys! I was playing 'Starter Gun' yesterday and I used all my ammo! The boy looked slightly embarrassed as he remembered how he spent all of yesterday shouting, "Ready, GO," and then firing off a round of ammo over and over in the Peach Creek Park. He was pulled from his memory by the crack of the branch he was sitting on. The branch broke off from the old oak tree, sending the odd boy crashing to the ground five stories below. He hit the soil with a loud "KUP-YAH!"

Edd ran to his window and looked out at the boy. "Mercy! What in the world was that?"

The boy pushed himself off the ground. Tears were forming in his eyes. He mumbled, "Gotta…stay…calm…" and then ran around the side of the building, where Eddward could not see him.

How very odd. For some reason, I don't think that's the last we've seen of that boy…

"Are you paying attention, Edd?"

"Yes, sir!"

***

The peculiar boy ran around the building until he was at the front door. He jumped up to hit the handicap button, opening the door automatically. So excited was he, he shouted, "Rebooooorn! Come out and plaaaaaayyyyy!" as if he were in some old film about gangs in New York. He rushed past the front desk, giggled madly all the way up the steps, and then rushed past May Kanker, who was just leaving Eddward's room.

"What the heck was that?" May asked herself. "It looked like a…kid in a ducky shirt. I swear," she sighed, "this place is getting way too freaky."

Having infiltrated Reborn's hideout, the little boy laughed victoriously. "GWA-HAHAHA! Success!" His voice was very nasal and grubby, like a tiny, disgusting man. He decided to announce his entrance. "We meet again, Reborn! It is I, Phil DeVille!"

"Good Lord," shouted Eddward, "he came in! Reborn, do you know him?"

Reborn passed Eddward a map. "Here, remember these dumping grounds." He was completely ignoring Phil and his student.

"Huh?"

Phil did not take kindly to being ignored, so he growled, which sounded not at all threatening, and then lunged at Reborn with a carving knife he had pulled out of his bodysuit. "Hey, don't turn your back on me! I'll kill you, bitch!" Reborn responded to the attack by moving slightly backwards and backhanding Phil into the wall across the room.

"Mercy!" Eddward felt the urge to go and check to see if the boy was all right, but he felt an even bigger urge to just let the problem be. What sort of messed-up relationship could he possibly have with my lunatic of a tutor?!

Slowly pushing himself from the wall, Phil began to talk again. "Ouch, that hurt. I think I tripped over something." He then burst out laughing, despite the fact that there was a dent in the wall from where he had hit it. His nose was also bleeding profusely. "I, Phil DeVille, an assassin of no more than five years of age, who hails from the Scarafaggio Famiglia, tripped! I love to eat gummy worms and chocolate pudding, and I, the great Phil Deville, who met Reborn in a seedy bar last month, just TRIPPED!"

He's trying far too hard for an introduction…

Phil wiped the blood away from his nose and began to stroll over to Reborn with a spring in his step. "Let me start over! Reborn, it's me, Phil! Remember me?"

"Eddward, these types of shovels are the cheapest." Reborn paid zero attention to the little boy.

"Um, of course."

Perhaps if Reborn can ignore him, I might be able to as well!

Phil stood in the corner of the room, shunned, but sprung back to life and traipsed over to Reborn with a satchel strung over his shoulder. "I brought you some great stuff from Italy, Reborn! Let's see…oh, I gotcha these honey bars! Ooh, they're still sticky…"

"I believe that the best place for the body would be…deep in the bog?"

"That's correct. You're improving at this."

"Why am I not so excited about that?"

Ignored once again, Phil curled up into a ball and turned away from Eddward and Reborn so that they would not see him crying. He continuously mumbled to himself, "Gotta…stay…calm…"

Oh dear, I think he's crying…

Suddenly, Phil spun around and held out his hands in an attempt at a spooky look. His face contorted as if he was trying to be menacing. "Gwa-hahaha!" he exclaimed, "The boss gave me some great weapons to show you! These are the gems of the Scarafaggio Famiglia!"

Looks like he's trying a different sales pitch…

"Ta-DA!" Phil pulled a large, purple bazooka from the satchel. It was slightly larger than he was, and looked very devastating. "It's the Ten-Year Bazooka! If you are shot with this miraculous weapon, you switch places in time with yourself from ten years into the future for five minutes! It's SO cool!"

I'm…I'm actually interested in that, I must say…

"But this is just a sample presentation, so bleh!" Phil stuck his tongue out at Reborn, who still had yet to even look at Phil.

Drat.

"I'll just put it away for later!" The small boy continued to rummage around in his satchel until he found something interesting. "Oh boy! I think I found something good!" He stood up with the object in hand, but it was far from anything good. It was a pink grenade, and the pin was already drawn. "Woah, what do you think this is?" he asked, even though he clearly knew the answer.

Eddward screamed, "What?! A hand grenade?! How did that even get past airport security?!?"

"That's right! Die, Reborn!"

Phil ran forward and threw the grenade at his target, but it was volleyed back by Reborn, who did not even blink. The grenade smacked Phil in the face and sent him flying out into the hallway. Both he and the grenade landed side by side, and there was a magnificent explosion that shook the entire floor. Most students who were inside at that time simply shook it off as one of Eddward's crazy study sessions with that weird kid in the Italian suit; they did not know how right they were.

Having just seen a child be blown up, Eddward turned to his tutor and asked, "Don't you think that was overkill?"

"Doesn't matter. Next question," was the reply.

"Do you really know that hyperactive boy?"

"I don't."

"Then how does he know you?"

"I'm pretty popular. Besides that, the Scarafaggio Famiglia is a small-time mafia group. I don't associate with those who crawl in the dirt."

Good Lord, he's so cool…

Before they could get back to Eddward's studies, there was a knock at his door. "Hey, Eddward? You got a second?" It was May, and she sounded a little miffed. Eddward walked over to open the door and found May standing there. She was wearing a yellow and white striped tank-top that had no sleeves, a purple skirt that went down to her mid-thigh, and a pair of red sandals. The top of her head was covered by a red baseball cap, and she had an additional accessory wrapped around her leg: the lightly-toasted body of Phil. He was covered in burn marks and was crying his eyes out, but otherwise, he was fine.

"This little weirdo is one of Reborn's friends, right? Can you tell him to leave me alone?" May was not exactly well-known for her love of small children. "He's really upset about something; the kid won't stop crying! Did he and Reborn have a fight?"

"You have no idea…"

"Well, whatever. You're older then the two of them combined, plus you're like a younger, whiter Gandhi. You figure it out." With that, she tore Phil off of her leg and said, "I'll pick us up some supper in a little while!"

"Sounds gre- huh?" Eddward felt a pressure on his leg and discovered that the pressure was Phil DeVille clinging to his calf and rubbing his face into the older boy's sweatpants. "Let go of me, you confounded, disease spreading machine!" He tugged on Phil's large, round head, but this did little to help. Dear God in Heaven, I can feel his tears and snot seeping through the cloth…

Finally, Eddward asked, "Do you want me to call Reborn? Would you like another shot at taking him out?" This only served to scare Phil, who began to roll around and shriek in terror. Oh my, it seems he's been traumatized by this whole ordeal.

The studious boy walked past May's open door and said, "I'm heading to the park, May, and I'm taking Phil with me."

"Be back in an hour, or I'm calling the police!"

***

Why me?

Eddward was walking through the small Main Street that was in Peach Creek, the small town that was near the academy. There was not much to look at, really, but it was an enjoyable experience, on a regular day, to just stroll around and see the sights. But when one has a crazed toddler straddling their leg, it can be not so pleasant, which was the current case. Phil had yet to stop crying, and it almost pained Eddward. He's still crying…and it's been eighteen minutes! I can't believe the mere mention of Reborn's name would drive him to such terror…

When they neared the candy shop, Eddward stopped and asked, "Phil, would you like some candy? They have these fantastic gummy worms and jawbreakers here." The little boy nodded his head slowly, so his babysitter walked into the shop. He was greeted by Sam, the owner of the shop, and Carl, the plucky student who worked part-time at the store.

"Good afternoon, gents!" Eddward exclaimed as he walked through the door.

"Oh, hi, Double D! Who's the short guy?"

"Oh, he's, um…a friend of Reborn's."

"Well, take him outside! He's getting my floor covered in snot and tears, yeh!"

"I'll be out momentarily, Sam; I just need," Eddward paused to browse the shelves of candy, "a package of gummy worms and a strawberry jawbreaker."

"Sure thing." Sam picked out the boy's selection and tossed them at him. "Here ya go, yeh!"

Eddward dropped the exact amount of money into Carl's hand and waved goodbye. "And Carl," he said on the way out the door, "don't forget that we have a History test tomorrow!"

"Thanks for reminding me, Double D!"

***

After they left the shop, Eddward took Phil to the park, and the two of them sat on a nearby bench and watch the sun begin setting. Some children were running around on the jungle gym while their mothers kept half an eye on them. A group of elementary school boys were practicing Little League Football over on the other side of the field. At that moment, Eddward and Phil were in the perfect spots to watch the action.

Phil wiped away the rest of his tears as he nibbled on his gummy worms. "M…my dream is to be the boss of Scarafaggio Famiglia and…make the whole world bow down before me…"

His face is so sad, but the words coming out of his mouth are just plain scary!

"But my boss said, "If you want to be boss, you must take out a first-class assassin like the Mafia Tutor, Reborn!", so here I am."

First-class assassin?!

"So, Phil, have you actually MET Reborn before!"

"Duh! About a few months ago, the boss took me to a bar for the very first time. It was so wonderful! The smell of those funny drinks, the funny ladies that kept sitting on the men's laps, the funny music playing in the background. It was so cool! And then I saw him: Reborn.

"He was seated at the bar, all by his lonesome, so I thought I'd pop in and chat. We had a lot in common, he and I, and we talked forever, even though we had just met! While I, Phil DeVille, was eating my beloved chocolate pudding, Reborn was blowing gum bubbles from his nose!"

That's a sure sign that Reborn was just sleeping!

Eddward noticed that Phil was no longer crying, so he stood up from the bench. "Well," he said, "you seem like you're feeling better now. I'm heading back to my home; it's time for supper." As soon as he said this, Phil freaked out and latched onto the older boy's leg again, only this time, his nose was not running nor was he crying. "Let go of me!" he cried, but this did no good.

Does he like me or something?!

***

When they arrived back at Eddward's dorm room, May was just finishing setting the table. She was dishing out lasagna to each plate, although Eddward could see the Pizza Hut boxes that were lying on the counter. He told her that Phil was going to be having dinner with them. The girl scoffed and said, "Whatever. I'm eating a little later anyway, so it's fine. I'll be out passing out some information to the members of the Aikido club, so I'll be back in a little while! Try not to blow things up and boys, if you have any problems, feel free to bother Edd." With that, May departed quickly, not wanting to be around Phil any more than necessary.

It most certainly is NOT fine! I'll be eating dinner, surrounded by homicidal toddlers! Eddward sat properly in his chair, digging into the Tuscani lasagna, while Reborn quietly chewed on his. Phil was left all by himself on the other side of the table, sweating up a storm out of sheer nervousness. There was an awkward silence that filled the air.

Eddward leaned over to Reborn and whispered to him, "Reborn, you have to do something! I can't handle this infantile boy any longer!" His tutor did not pay any attention to him. "Fine then! Ignore me!"

Phil anxiously swallowed a piece of sausage and then chucked his knife at Reborn's head, shouting, "Die, Reborn! Take THIS!" Reborn easily deflected the projectile with his fork and sent the knife flying right into the center of Phil's forehead. It did not go very deep, but it went far enough that there was blood trickling down his head. The small boy's face was in utter shock.

Sweet Jesus and Mary!

At long last, the weight of the day and all his beatings seemed to catch up with him. Phil burst into tears and began to shriek and holler in pain. He reached down onto the floor and began fishing through his satchel.

What does he plan on doing about that knife in his head???

"What th-?!" Phil had pulled out the Ten-Year Bazooka and, through the use of a string, had implemented a way for himself to pull the trigger. "It's that Ten-Year Bazooka! Is he going to shoot himself?!" Still bawling , he tugged tighter and tighter on the string until…

KRAK-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM

A pink cloud of smoke filled the dining area, though the smoke detectors did not go off. Eddward was flabbergasted at what had just occurred, while Reborn contentedly ate his lasagna. A quiet "Phew!" came from the cloud of smoke, and it started to break apart. When the smoke dissipated, it left behind a very tall and handsome young man.

The man, who looked to be about the same age as Eddward, was tall and lanky, with ropy arms and legs. His brown hair was all messy but in a way that would be deemed fashionable, and it covered one of his eyes. He was wearing a small neck chain made of gold, a green shirt that was covered with white ducks, a pair of white pants that were very slim, black shoes, and a black jacket. One eye opened lazily while a hand was raised to brush away the long hair in his face.

"Aw geez, it looks like I've been shot with the Ten-Year Bazooka. And just when I was having such a good time in Las Vegas." His voice was smooth and swarthy, almost like a young Sinatra. He looked around Eddward's apartment and then settled on the owner. "Hey, long time, no see, young Vongola X!"

Eddward was left speechless "What th…Don't tell me this person is-?!"

"Yep, it's me, Phil DeVille, the crybaby. Thanks for taking care of me all those years ago."

"Say what?!" Eddward remembered how Phil had described the bazooka: a person shot with the Ten-Year Bazooka will automatically switch places with their ten-year-older self for five minutes.

No way! That gross little boy turned into this charming, handsome fellow?!

Phil turned his attention to Reborn, who continued to eat pasta. "Hey Reborn, long time no see. It's me, Phil, the one you always used to ignore?" When Reborn did not look up, the older Phil grimaced.

Dear God, Reborn, stop ignoring him!

Suddenly, Phil smiled. "Well, I guess I'll have to use IT." He pulled out a pair of red horns that seemed like they belong on a beetle. "I'll show you just how much my skills have changed in just ten years. Thunder Set!" A bolt of lightning crashed through the window and went right into the beetle horns on Phil's head.

"My horns can carry a million volts," he said as he bowed down into a runner's start.

"What?! This can't BE!!"

"Die, Reborn!" Phil charged forward, lightning crackling from the horns on his head. "Electrico Scarafaggio!" He drew near Reborn and got close enough that the hairs on the assassin's head began to stand up. Unfortunately, that's when Reborn stuck a fork into Phil's scalp.

The blood was pouring from his wound. Both Eddward and Phil were surprised at the outcome, though Phil took it a lot harder. He mumbled to himself, "Gotta…stay…calm…" This mantra did not work, as he began bawling and then ran out the door.

He hasn't changed at all in TEN YEARS?!? Eddward glanced down at Reborn, who was almost done with his pasta. Oh my, Reborn really is terrifying.

***

Ten minutes later, May showed up at the doorway more than a little peeved and with Phil in tow. "Hey, Edd!" she shouted, "I told you to be the peacekeeper, didn't I?" Phil was still crying rivers.

He's back to normal!

"Phil says he wants to be friends with Reborn, so you have to help these two, okay?"

He wants to be friends? Well, if I think about it, he HAS been trying to get Reborn's attention all afternoon. He truly is a special child…

"That was all a lie!" Phil charged forward and threw five grenades at Reborn. "Die!" Reborn deflected the grenades with his plate and they bounced right back at Phil, sending him out through the door and the nearby hall window. The following explosion was magnificent.

While Eddward and May looked out the window in shock, Reborn politely wiped his mouth on his napkin and said, "More please, signora!"