Title: Not the Life he Imagined

Author: Tsarina Smith

Rating: PG-13/R-ish

Disclaimer: JAG isn't mine. If it were mine I would have been much, MUCH nicer to the characters.

Spoilers: The whole series is fair game, but "Yeah, Baby" and "Standards of Conduct" especially.

Summary: Harm turns 40 and wonders how his life turned out so differently than what he wanted.

Authors Notes: You guys!!! Thank you so much for the reviews! They were much more pleasant to read than the reviews for the first part of Broken Promises, LOL. I'm so glad you guys are enjoying this so far and I hope you like this part as well.

Two

"Son, what the hell are you doing?"

Harm looked up and gave his commanding officer a half hearted smile. "Good afternoon, sir."

"Harm, it's a Saturday. And if I remember correctly, it's your birthday. So why are you sitting on the floor in the middle of your office going through files?

He shrugged and turned his attention back to the files in front of him. "Well, my apartment is spotless, the Lexus and the 'vette have both been washed and I've had two workouts. I needed something to do."

AJ made his way further into the office and sidestepped the piles Harm was accumulating on the floor. "So what's going on, Harm?"

"Nothing, sir. Just birthday blues I suppose. I'm officially forty years old."

The Admiral rolled his eyes and sat down in Harm's chair. "I've been forty for quite a while. Trust me; it's not the end of the world."

"Sir, no offense, but when you were my age you already had been married and had a child. You had accomplished so much, both personally and professionally."

"Yes, I had a child. I had a teenage daughter who I rarely ever saw." AJ watched as Harm nodded and continued sorting papers on the floor. He sighed and rolled his eyes. "Commander, get a grip."

"Sir?"

He stooped down and squatted on the floor in front of him. "You are still young enough to make certain changes in your life, if that's what you wish. Stop wallowing in self pity and do something. If you want to change careers again, then do so. If you want to get married, put on your whites and stand on a street corner or head to a mall. I don't care, just do something and stop being miserable."

Harm watched, with an open mouth and wide eyes as the Admiral stood and walked out of the office.

Harm spent the rest of the afternoon organizing his already neat office, before going home to get ready for his birthday dinner with Mac. The thought of spending the evening at a nice dinner with his best friend was enough to brighten his mood a little bit. She had told him to dress nicely, so he pulled a gray suit and crisp black shirt out of his closet. He dressed after a quick shower and a careful shave and then relaxed on the sofa while waiting for her to arrive. The Admirals words from earlier kept repeating in his head.

'If you want to change careers again, then do so. If you want to get married, put on your whites and stand on a street corner or head to a mall. I don't care, just do something and stop being miserable.'

He was right. He could do something to change his life besides sitting around whining about the state of things. He had no desire to change his career, not again. Being a lawyer may not be as exciting as being a fighter pilot, but he enjoyed the work. And it was not as if he never got to step foot into a plane. Other than just flying, he saw action that he never saw as a pilot. He had a CO that he admired and respected, he had good friends and while most of the time he was not physically helping people, the work he did made a difference. It was his personal life that needed changing.

He thought back to his relationships throughout his adult life. Despite his reputation for being a bit of a 'ladies' man', he had not been with that many women. Just a few flings and only four or five serious relationships. Thinking back, the only of his girlfriends he could actually picture being married to was Diane. And he wasn't even completely sure how feasible that was. In his head he knew that he probably romanticized their relationship, due to her tragic death. But, the fact remains that he could have never married any of the other women. Mac was right about Annie; she was completely neurotic and terrified of the life he was leading. Jordan was the same. She loved him for who she wanted him to be, and not all of him. She couldn't deal with the flight aspect of his life. Renee was another story all together. She loved him and accepted him for who he was. She didn't like the fact that his career took him out of the country so much, but she dealt with it. But while she accepted him and they had fun together, he could never picture a future with her, because part of him never felt like he was enough for her. She was always wanting more... more of his time, more of a commitment, just more.

His longest and most complete relationship was his relationship with Mac. He wasn't clueless, he knew that she was the only woman that could ever really be his equal. She was strong and self sufficient, she was highly intelligent, she was not intimidated by him. She understood him and had stood by his side during the most trying experiences of his life. And not to mention she was stunningly beautiful and he had never been as attracted to anyone as he was to her.

So while he knew that she completed him, their relationship also terrified him. He was terrified of hurting her, or doing something that would drive her away. He had made that dumbass comment the previous year about every man ever involved with her was either dead or wished he was, but the same could be said of the women he had been involved with. Women wanted him until they got him, then they ran away practically screaming. He couldn't bear the thought of driving her away. So where did that leave him? He was too scared to pursue anything more than friendship with his amazing best friend, but he didn't see himself having a family with anyone but her.

Mac fiddled with the buttons on her coat and waited for Harm to answer the door. After a moment he pulled it open with a flourish and smiled brightly.

"Hey."

She flashed him her own radiant smile and walked into the apartment. "Hey yourself. You seem like you're in much better mood."

He nodded, "I am." He shut the door behind her and turned towards her. "I've done a lot of thinking the past day about being forty and the status of my life, and I've come to a few decisions."

She raised an eyebrow and nodded. "Anything you wish to share with the court, Commander?"

Harm shook his head. "Maybe over dinner."

"Okay." She gestured to the door and smiled. "We should go. Reservations and all."

"Right." He followed her into the hallway and then shut and locked the door. "Lead the way."

"Mac, this place is really expensive."

She rolled her eyes and got out of the car. Smiling at the valet, she handed him her car keys and walked over to Harm. "You've taken me out for my fair share of expensive dinners. Besides, how many times does my best friend turn forty?"

He shrugged, "That depends on how many best friends you have." He grinned at her laughter and they walked into Charlie Palmer's. They specialized in steaks, but they had amazing seafood dishes that Harm loved, not to mention the spectacular view of Capitol Hill. Mac spoke to the maître d and then went over to the coat check. He hurried to assist her with the knee length black coat she wore and stifled a groan when he slid the coat off of her shoulders. She wore an emerald green dress, which was almost completely backless and ended just above her knees. Between the low back and the short hem, all he could see was generous amounts of bronzed, toned skin. She turned to take the coat from him, and this time he couldn't stifle the groan. The dress was cut low in the front, revealing generous amounts of cleavage. It was pleated at the bust, drawing even more attention to the area. "Are you trying to kill me?"

She laughed and shrugged. "Maybe," she said, a flirtatious lilt in her voice. "Are you going to give the nice lady your coat or are you going to stare at me all night?"

"That's a stupid question, Mac."

She blushed under his gaze and broke eye contact. "Give her your coat, Harm, so we can have dinner."

Pleased that he was able to regain his footing and unnerve her, he took off his coat after handing it to the attendant he followed her to the table.

"In all seriousness Mac, you look beautiful."

She smiled again and sat in the chair that was being pulled out for her. Harm thanked the maître d and took his own seat. She watched him unfold his napkin and smiled. "And you don't look like a forty year old man."

He flashed her his famous grin and picked up the menu. The waitress chose that moment to come by the table and take their drink orders. Harm chose wine instead of bourbon or beer and Mac took her usual tonic water and they began to peruse the menu. "So which of these dead cow carcasses are you going to be indulging in tonight?"

She rolled her eyes and continued to scan the menu. "I'm thinking the 11oz filet, asparagus with Dijon butter and the twice baked truffle potatoes." She smiled as he winced. "What about you?"

"The shrimp with the citrus risotto." He closed the menu and smiled at her. "Thanks for this, Mac."

"You're welcome." She started to say more, but the waitress came by again with their drinks and then took their orders. The waitress wrote their orders down, and beamed at Harm as she collected their menus. She let her fingers brush his, and then sauntered away. Mac rolled her eyes again and looked expectantly at Harm.

He noticed her reaction and shook his head. "Mac, with you sitting across from me looking like that, I'm not paying attention to other women." He smiled as she blushed and took a sip of his drink. He glanced around the restaurant and then back at his best friend. "Thanks again, Mac. This is a great birthday gift."

"Who said that dinner was your gift?"

"Oh Really…"

She rolled her eyes. "THAT is not your gift."

"Damn." He smiled at her and took another drink. "You know if you keep rolling your eyes at me they're going to get stuck in your head."

"Well, I was just thinking that it's so cliché for middle aged man to suddenly start acting like a teenage boy."

"I am not."

"Yes you are," she said, emphasizing her words with a nod. "You've been ogling me and flirting with me all night."

"Well, look in a mirror, Mac. Any man would be blind not to be attracted to you. And I've been flirting with you for years."

"I know." She picked up her glass and stared at the liquid sloshing around inside. "But it feels a little different when we're dressed up and out at a nice dinner alone."

Their food came out shortly afterwards and they were silent for a bit while they dug into their dinners. After a dent had been made and Mac had coerced Harm into tasting a bit of her steak, she brought up what had been bothering him the past couple of days.

"So what's been on your mind, Harm?"

"Just thinking about life. And how is hasn't exactly turned out like I planned."

She put down her fork and studied him. "And how is life so different than how you thought it would be?"

"I'm not a pilot."

She shook her head. "You are a pilot Harm. It may not be your day job anymore, but you are still a pilot."

"I know. But you asked how my life is different than how I thought it would be, and that's the primary reason. I thought I'd be a CAG one day. Now my career ambition is to be the Judge Advocate General. Those are vastly different."

"What else?"

"I still live like a bachelor. I'm not married, I don't have children."

"Renee would have married you in a heartbeat."

He fixed her with a hard look. "I didn't love Renee enough to marry her, and you know that."

She blushed under his gaze and stared down at her half eaten meal. "Harm…" The look currently on his face was akin to the one he wore on the Admiral's porch that May evening almost a year and a half ago.

"Mac, nearly every woman I've ever been with has wanted some form of commitment from me. And I figured out today that you're the only woman I've ever been able to commit to. I know we're just friends, but I've invested more in our friendship than I have in any other relationship I've ever had. I've opened myself up more with you than I ever have anyone else."

"You never cease to amaze me, Harm." She stabbed at a piece of steak and then looked back up at him. "You tell me I'm the only one you can open up with, and yet I'm also the only one you couldn't let go with."

He swore that damned night in Austraila was going to haunt him for the rest of his life. "You were the only one I knew I couldn't ever lose. The night of your engagement party, when I thought I would lose you… Mac, I've never been more afraid in my life."

"Are you two both doing okay? May I get you anything else?"

They turned their gazes from one another and onto the blonde waitress. She looked at her two patrons and was suddenly aware of the tension surrounding them.

"I'm fine." Harm said softly. "Mac, did you want anything else."

"Just the check please."

She handed them the check and walked away quickly. Mac pulled out a credit card out of her bag and placed it in the leather portfolio. The tension hadn't dissipated with the waitress's departure and they sat in an awkward silence while waiting for her return.

Once she had picked up the check, and returned the card they retrieved their coats and headed out to her car. Once they were inside and on their way back to his apartment he tried to strike up light conversation. "I'm shocked you didn't want any desert."

She turned her head slightly to look at him and then returned her attention to the road. "I'm sure you have some kind of ice cream at your place."

"Maybe some tofutti."

She blanched and they continued the short drive to his apartment in more or less silence. When they pulled into the lot of his complex, she surprised him by turning off the car and following him upstairs. "Mac, I wasn't kidding about the tofutti." He didn't want her to leave, but he didn't know if he could stand much more of the awkwardness of the past fifteen minutes either. He hated the fact that they would have an important moment, then something would interrupt them and they could never seem to pick back up. And who knew when they might get another moment.

She smiled and shrugged, "What the hell, it won't kill me to try something new."

Once at his door, he put the key in and turned the knob, getting the surprise of his life when he opened the door.

"SURPRISE!"

End Part Two…

Poor Mac and Harm… I've been having a JAG marathon all weekend and I'm just so… UGH at the way DB treated these two fascinating characters. Which is why I updated this so quickly (well, quickly for me anyways). He messes them up, I like to fix them in my own little way. I hope you guys enjoyed this, and feedback is, as always, very much appreciated.