Title: Not the Life he Imagined
Author: Tsarina Smith
Rating: PG-13/R-ish
Disclaimer: JAG isn't mine. If it were mine I would have been much, MUCH nicer to the characters.
Spoilers: The whole series is fair game, but "Yeah, Baby" and "Standards of Conduct" especially.
Summary: Harm turns 40 and wonders how his life turned out so differently than what he wanted.
Authors Notes: Wow, I'm (pleasantly) surprised you guys didn't hate the last part. I was expecting some unpleasantness, but was very, very happy with the positive reaction that it got. I'm really glad you all liked Nina. I feel bad for these characters, especially Mac, since they never had any lives outside of JAG, so I enjoy giving them friends. Anyways. Hope you guys enjoy this one!
Four
Sturgis tapped gently on the door to Mac's office and offered her a smile when she looked up. "Are you busy?"
"Yeah, I am actually."
The smile faded and concern filled his eyes. After working here at JAG for a little over a year, he had learned several things about his Marine colleague. The first of which was that she was only too busy when something was bothering her. And more often than not, Harm was the thing that bothered her. He went inside and closed the door behind him. Ignoring her look of exasperation, he sat down in the chair in front of her desk and studied her. "Come on, Mac. Tell me what's wrong?"
"It's personal, Sturgis."
"I figured. But you and I are friends, and I'm guessing this has to do with Harm. And since you've already confessed one secret about Harm to me, I'm a good person for you to talk to about this. Now, is this about the baby deal?"
Her eyebrows shot up and her mouth dropped. "How did you find out about that?"
"Harm told me. The night before his birthday we went out and he told me about how he was feeling and told me about the deal the two of you made. So I'm guessing it has to do with that?"
"Yeah, you could say that." She looked at the papers in front of her and then back up at her friend. "Sturgis, I don't mean for this to come as rude as it's probably going to, but you're his friend. I can't talk to you about this."
He shook his head. "That's not fair, Mac. Yes, I was his friend first, but you're my friend too. I think very highly of you and I respect you a great deal. If you want to talk, I'm here to listen."
Mac softened and smiled. "Thank you, I appreciate it. But I will be fine."
"He's an idiot for turning you down." He stood to leave, to give her some space when her soft voice stopped him.
"I turned him down."
He spun around and did not even try to hide his surprise. "What? Mac, I thought that was what you wanted."
"It is what I want. Only I wanted more than he was offering. He was offering to give me a baby; but he couldn't give me himself. Which is what I really want."
"Oh Mac. I'm sorry."
She shrugged. "I'm used to this by now. He makes it obvious that he feels more for me than simply friendship, but he's too scared of losing what we have now to take it to the next level. And regardless of how much I want to have a child, especially how much I want to have a child with him, I'm not throwing away my career for someone who is too afraid to actually be with me."
Sturgis smiled and nodded. "You deserve someone who can give you the whole package."
Harm couldn't focus. He couldn't focus on the file he had before him now, and he wasn't able to focus on the meeting he had with a client earlier that morning. All he could focus on was the woman he cared about more than anyone else in the world and the look on her face last night when he more or less crushed both of their dreams. He dropped his head to his hands in frustration and only looked up when his email icon alerted him with a 'ding' that he had a new message. He rubbed the heel of his hand over his eyes and clicked his mouse over the icon twice.
Rabb-
You're a complete idiot. Lunch today. Don't even try getting out of it.
Sturgis.
He groaned and raked a hand through his hair. He didn't understand the preoccupation Sturgis had with his personal life, or the almost protective nature of his relationship with Mac. It all began during that case they had worked on together and what had been a seemingly uncomfortable working relationship had blossomed into an interesting friendship. And he was not in the mood to discuss his relationship with Mac, yet again, with Sturgis. He typed out a quick reply, before closing the window and turning the volume down.
It's none of your business. Mac and I can handle our problems on our own. Besides, I've already got lunch plans.
H
He sat at his desk for a few more minutes, before deciding he couldn't deal with this anxiety he was feeling over his relationship with Mac. He needed some space to clear his head, and that meant getting out of his cluttered office. Walking quickly to the Admirals office, he waited for Tiner to verify that it was okay for him to go in, and then did. He shut the door and took a seat.
"Everything okay, Harm?"
He shook his head and fiddled with his academy ring. "Sir, is there any way I can take a couple of days of leave?"
AJ's studied him for a moment, before glancing down at his calendar. "You have the case about the girl who ran down her former boyfriend, don't you?"
"Yes sir."
"What will you do with that?"
"I had a meeting with Ensign Allison this morning. She's going to take the deal Bud offered. Other than that I have no pressing business."
"Fine. Get that finalized and then take a few days. However, I'll need you back here by Thursday."
"Yes sir."
Harm was heading back to his office, when he felt a hand grasp his arm and tug him into his office. "Sturgis, I don't have time to deal with this right now."
"You're going to make time. Harm, what is your problem? You've told me several times the past few days that you're going to stop hiding from what you feel for her."
"She knows how I feel about her." Harm looked towards his office and then back at Sturgis. "This is really none of your business, and this isn't an appropriate time or place to have this discussion. I'm taking a couple of days and I'll see you when you get back."
"Are you going to tell Mac that you're leaving?"
Harm continued off without a word. He went to his office and gathered a couple of things that he may need for the next two days and then glanced over at Mac. She looked tired, but so beautiful he felt his heart constrict. With a sigh, he left his office again and knocked on her door. She looked up, and her eyes hardened as they met his. "Can I come in?" She shrugged and looked back at her computer screen. "You're my best friend, Mac. You can't ignore me forever."
"I can try." She finally looked at him again and gave him a forced smile. "I know I can't. But you have no clue how hard this is for me, Harm. You know how I feel about you and what I want. And I know how you feel about me. I just don't understand why you can't throw caution to the wind and let us finally have a shot. We've been dancing around one another for years and it's gotten to the point of absurdity."
"I don't want to lose you, Mac."
She raised her eyebrows. "Oh, and this isn't losing me? Right now we can barely manage to be in the same room together. It is going to be really difficult to be just your friend when I know we both want something more. I don't know if I can do that. This isn't going to be like it was after Australia. I'm not going to just brush this off and pretend I'm not hurt over this." She was tiring of discussing her relationship with Harm and shook her head. "I'm not discussing this anymore. Period. If you change your mind, you know where to find me. If you insist on not wanting more than friendship with me, well… I'll just need some time."
"I understand." He hated the tension currently between them. It wasn't their usual flirtatious sexual tension. This tension was uncomfortable and oppressive. "I just wanted to let you know I'm taking a couple of days off."
"Are you going out of town?"
Harm shook his head. "No, I'm staying around here. But right now you and I are tense, Sturgis is barely speaking to me, and I just need a break. It's been a while since I had a few days to myself, and with the frame of mind I've been in lately I just think it would help. The Admiral needs me back by Thursday, so I guess I'll see you then."
"Getting away is always helpful. And yeah, I'll see you then." She looked back at her computer and pressed a few keys, subtly signaling that their conversation was over.
He gave her one last look and with a soft sigh he left her office, closing the door behind him.
He finalized his agreement with Bud and arrived back at his apartment shortly after. He looked around the empty rooms and shook his head. He couldn't believe he was forty and was coming home to an empty apartment. The only woman in his life was currently ticked off at him and the only children in his life belonged to his close friends. He walked over to his bookcase and picked up the framed photo of him and his father. He stared at the picture for a minute before placing it back on the shelf. He made his was to his bedroom and began taking off his uniform. He caught his appearance in the mirror as he undid buttons and felt disgusted with himself. He had two distinguished flying crosses, he played tag with a missile and was able to safely lead it away from the Seahawk, and yet he was too chicken to take the next step with Mac.
Part of him knew that his fear of losing her was ridiculous. She had gone farther with him than anyone he had ever known. She followed him to Russia twice, for crying out loud. She constantly put him at a place of primary importance in her life. If there was anyone in his life he could truly count on, it was her. But even though he knew that all of her relationship problems were not her fault, her past scared him. Her relationships were about as stable and long lasting as his were, and their combined inability to make it work was unsettling.
'That's because you're trying to make relationships work with the wrong people.'
Harm studied himself in the mirror, uncomfortable with what he was seeing. Externally, he appeared to be everything a proper military officer was supposed to be. But internally, he felt like a failure, and that had to change. He had to find a way to move past his fear and give himself and Mac a real chance at a future together. And he had to do it quickly before Mac met someone else and everything they had the potential to have was lost forever.
End Part Five
I know this is shorter than usual, but I like to wrap things up neatly. If I were to make it any longer, this part would have been ridiculously long, so I decided to end it here. As always feedback is very much appreciated.