Title: Not the Life he Imagined
Author: Tsarina Smith
Rating: PG-13/R-ish
Disclaimer: JAG isn't mine. If it were mine I would have been much, MUCH nicer to the characters.
Spoilers: The whole series is fair game, but "Yeah, Baby" and "Standards of Conduct" especially.
Summary: Harm turns 40 and wonders how his life turned out so differently than what he wanted.
Authors Notes: Sorry this took so long, guys! It's been a CRAZY week! First, I found out I got into grad school :-) Yay! And we have inventory at work next week (ugh) so my hours have been all over the place. Anyways. That's that. In response to a few of the comments about Sturgis being a matchmaker… I don't really intend to use him as a match maker, but I do think he has a tendency to meddle, so that's what he was doing. I think there are several things that have become canon amongst fic writers (i.e. Mac transferring to the judiciary when her and Harm finally get it together) and I think Sturgis being meddlesome is one of those things. Hope you guys enjoy this, and as always, I'd love to know your thoughts!
Six
He spotted her the second he walked into the bullpen. She was making a copy and glaring at the ancient, irritable copier. He grinned and strode over to her. "We need to talk."
Mac looked up at the sound of the familiar voice and sighed softly. The past few days without Harm in the office, things had felt off. While it was nice not having to see him and be constantly reminded that things were never going to work out between them how she wished, she also missed seeing him. "Hello, Harm. How were your days off?"
He rolled his eyes and shook his head. "No, Mac. We need to really talk."
"This is not an appropriate place to have a personal conversation. We've brought out personal issues into the office too many times and that needs to stop."
"Mac-"
"No, Harm." She backed away from him a bit and met his frustrated gaze. "There is a time and a place for us to continue this game of verbal tennis, but this isn't it." She turned and disappeared into her office. She shut the door behind her and he watched as she shut the blinds.
He glanced around the bullpen to see if anyone noticed what had transpired between them, before stalking off to his own office. He shut the door with a little more strength than necessary. He had done a lot of thinking over the past few days. Thinking had really been all he had done, actually. He didn't realize how dreadfully dull having two and a half days off in the middle of the week would be. But all the thinking he did brought him to one incredibly important revelation: he had to stop being such a coward and take action on the powerful feelings he had for his best friend.
He stared at the closed blinds that shielded her from him and took a deep breath. He turned on his computer and opened his email account. He had just typed her name in the recipient box when Tiner knocked lightly on his door.
"The Admiral would like to see you, sir."
Harm stifled a groan before standing and heading to his CO's office. Tiner opened the door, and Harm walked in.
"Welcome back, Commander. Please shut the door." Harm did as he was told and went further inside and sat in his usual chair. "This is uncomfortable for me. I don't like to deal with gossip, but I've heard some unsettling rumors the past couple of days about why you needed some time off."
"Sir, any rumors you may have heard have probably been exaggerated. I'm still having some issues with turning forty and the current state of my life. I needed to think some things through and make some important decisions, which I have."
"So you and the Colonel are not eloping because she is pregnant with your child?"
Harm's eyes widened and he was completely still for a moment, before he managed to shake his head. "No sir. In fact, that could not be further from the truth. Mac- excuse me, Colonel MacKenzie, is barely speaking to me at the moment."
AJ shook his head. "If I had any hair left, you two would have cost me it. Fix whatever is wrong there, Harm. I'm obviously not ordering you to do so, because now that I know that I don't have to charge you with anything it's none of my concern. But do it for yourself and for her."
"I'm going to."
"Good." He let his glasses slide down his nose and bit and picked up a copy of the morning paper. "Dismissed."
He was going to kill Singer. She was the only one malicious enough to spread gossip about him and his partner. As nosy as Sturgis was, he would never do or say anything that could cause harm to their careers. He shook his head and vowed to deal with her later. He looked at Mac's office and found her blinds still tightly closed, so he looked back at the screen of his computer. Her name was still in the recipient box of the empty email. He began to type a message, his eyes darting to her window ever so often.
Mac-
We really need to talk. I've done a lot of thinking these past few days
and we need to deal with our relationship once and for all. Do you want
to have dinner tonight? Or lunch today? I don't care which, I just need
to see you.
H.
His mouse hovered over the send button for a moment before he clicked it. He leaned back in his chair and thought about the past couple of days. It had been a shock to him at how empty he felt. When they were in Australia and he pushed her away then, he knew she had been hurt but other than her immediate reaction, and then her taking Brumby's ring, there had been very little difference in their interaction. She wasn't cold or distant, hell, she even followed him across Russia in a taxi. He knew this time it would be different. There was a strain there, which had never been there before. She didn't even have to tell him that she wasn't going to just brush the hurt off this time for him to know things were different. They were both different people now. They were older and this time had actually acknowledged more than once that their feelings for one another had gone so much further than platonic. Following Mic and Renee, they had come close but she had been hurt badly by Mic leaving and then him needing to be with Renee after her father had died. This was finally their time. Their former significant others were long gone, the depth of their feelings was out there and all that was holding them back was his fear. Well, that and their careers. But logically he knew they were both excellent officers and something would work out for them. His computer dinged, signaling him of an email and he quickly opened the message from Mac.
Harm-
Dinner tonight. 7:00 at that diner we like over by Tyson's Corner.
Mac
He exhaled a sigh of relief. The message was short, but she agreed to meet with him. He would fix things between them. There was no other option than to make things right between them.
The rest of the day went by slowly for Harm. He was the type of person who let something possess him completely, and right now Mac was all he could think about. He thought about her during a meeting with a client, while he prepared opening remarks for a new case and his constant thoughts of her resulted in him almost knocking over more than one junior officer.
"Is it safe for me to come in here? Or are you only attempting to take out junior officers?"
Harm looked up at the grin on Sturgis' face and scowled. "You're technically junior to me. I was became Commander about a month before you did."
"I'll watch my back then." He stood awkwardly in the doorway for a moment before Harm waved him in. Filled with relief, he came into the office and stood by the bookcase. "I wanted to apologize for the other day. Your relationship with Mac is none of my business and I-"
"Why are you so protective of her?" Harm asked suddenly. "At one point you could barely keep yourself from throttling her, and now it's… I'm not sure what it is, but it's unsettling."
Sturgis shrugged, uncomfortable with the conversation. "She's an incredible person, Harm. And she told me something once in confidence that I haven't been able to forget about. I want to see her happy, and of course I want to see you finally happy."
"I decided that I had to get over my fear. I don't have a choice. But while the idea of being more than her friend is exhilarating, it's also terrifying. As friends, I know she'll always be a part of my life. If we become more than friends, what happens if it doesn't work out. I'll lose the one person in my life that means everything to me." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "This is something that could be amazing; but it's also something that if it goes wrong, it's going to go horribly wrong." Overcome with nerves, Harm stood and began pacing in his small office. "We're godparents of Bud & Harriet's son. We work together. We share all of the same friends. I'm terrified that if it doesn't work out, not only will I lose her, but our friends will get pulled into it and half will side with her and half will side with me, so I'll lose half of my friends as well."
Sturgis shook his head and grinned. "Nah, that won't happen. I'm guessing more like 75% would side with her. You'd get Bud, probably. Maybe me. Singer, definitely."
"You're. Not. Helping." Harm all but growled at Sturgis. He could just picture them drawing a line through the middle of the bullpen. He and Mac facing one another, with just Sturgis, Bud & Singer behind him, while everyone else, most notably the Admiral gathered behind Mac.
He laughed and clapped his friend on the shoulder. "You're a worrier, Harm. But don't worry so much over this. Just let things happen. Tell her how you feel and see what happens next. Don't start divvying up all of us here at JAG just yet."
"It's more than just potential complications with other friendships. What about our careers? Both of us can't stay here if we decide to get married. We both love our careers, and have worked so hard to get where we are. I don't see either of us willingly sacrificing our military futures."
"That shouldn't even be an issue." Sturgis argued. "You and Mac are pretty powerful in this world. You both have a lot of important friends and allies. They'd all support you and figure out a way for you to be together and maintain your career track. Listen, Harm. Stop coming up with excuses not to pursue this. There will always be something. Instead think of what you'll miss out on if you continue to be a coward." He walked to the door and left the office, leaving Harm to mull over what he had said. He just hoped he actually listened and wasn't going to chicken out this time.
Mac arrived at the diner a few minutes before 7:00 and was surprised to see Harm was already there. He was sitting in a booth near the back and looked so good in the bright blue polo shirt he was wearing she nearly turned into a puddle on the red and white tile floor. She rubbed her palms over her jeans and walked over the table. He beamed and stood when he saw her, and she couldn't help but smile herself. One part of her brain was telling her to protect her heart and to turn back around and leave. However, the bigger part made her walk over to the table and slide onto the vinyl covered bench across from him.
"Hey."
"Hi."
He sat back down and handed her a menu before fiddling with the straw in his cup. "I got here a little early." He said, gesturing to the chocolate shake in front of him. "I figured it would be fitting for me to get stuck behind an overturned cement truck or something and you get here and wait and think that I wasn't going to show up."
"In that overly dramatic little scenario is your cell phone ruined by the cement?" She asked, not able to help the smile that appears.
He grins and pushes the shake towards her. "Of course. I'm driving with the windows down and some splatters inside and of course covers the phone."
"Well, it's a good thing you left your apartment early then." The waitress appeared and took both of their orders and then disappeared again. Mac shrugged out of her coat and laid it next to her on the seat. Part of her apprehension about meeting with him had gone away with his jokes and the ridiculous scenario he had envisioned. "So what did you want to talk about?"
"You look beautiful."
She looked down at the simple chocolate cashmere turtleneck she wore and blushed. "It's not the green dress…"
He smiled at the recollection of how breathtaking she looked that evening. "Doesn't matter. You're gorgeous no matter what. The dress was just a little something extra."
"Thanks." She looked up and saw the waitress approaching with her soda and Harm's unsweetened iced tea and smiled her thanks. She spent a moment taking off the straw wrapper before looking back up at him. "Well?"
Harm took a deep breath and forced himself to look at her and not his hands. "Mac, I'm not good at this. You know that. I'm not good at expressing my feelings at all. So please be patient with me while I do this." He waited for some kind of acknowledgement from her and continued when she nodded. "I've never had a problem taking any kind of risk. With my career, I've taken risks because I know I have other options. I mean, at any time, if I wanted to, I could probably go back to flying. If I decided I hated the military all of a sudden, I could be successful as a civilian attorney. I could fly for a commercial airline. The point is, I have options. I have no other options when it comes to you. If I were ever to lose you, then that would be it. And even the idea of maybe one day not having you in my life scares me to death."
"Harm-"
He held up a hand. "Please. If I stop I'll never finish." She nodded and he continued. "Mac, I worry about what happens if we don't work out. We work together, we have the same friends. We share godparent responsibilities. I worry about our careers and where the military might take us. There is so much on the line here. And while I have no problem throwing caution to the wind professionally, personally it's terrifying."
"I know it is, Harm. It scares me too. What I feel for you scares me."
"Mac, what I feel for you is so incredibly powerful. I can try and deny it, and keep playing it safe, but I'm not going to be any happier that way. I'll end up miserable, actually, because sooner or later someone who really is worthy of you will come your way and I'll lose you for good." He gave her a small smile and reached his hand across the table and rubbed his fingers over her soft skin. "I thought about all of this a lot the past few days and I finally came to an important realization."
She couldn't believe he stopped there. "Yes? And?"
"If I run the risk of losing you someday no matter what I do, I at least want to be able to say that I gave it a shot and I was brave enough to tell the woman I've been in love with for longer than I care to admit exactly how much I love her."
End Part Six
:) This is almost done! Only one more part after this! (Well, two if you count the epilogue.) Of course I'm dying to know your thoughts!