Title: Not the Life he Imagined
Author: Tsarina Smith
Rating: PG-13/R-ish
Disclaimer: JAG isn't mine. If it were mine I would have been much, MUCH nicer to the characters.
Spoilers: The whole series is fair game, but "Yeah, Baby" and "Standards of Conduct" especially.
Summary: Harm turns 40 and wonders how his life turned out so differently than what he wanted.
Authors Notes: First of all: Thank you so much to two of the readers of this who have helped me so much with some of the military aspects of this story. I'm not sure how much of their help I'm going to use, but they have been invaluable for future stories. Second of all: this is it! This is the last part (with the exception of the epilogue, which I'll probably post this weekend. I've loved writing this and I hope you've all enjoyed this.
This has absolutely NOTHING to do with the story, but I just found out that FOX is screwing with the Bones season finale because of American freakin' Idol and I'm LIVID. I know a good bit of people who read this watch Bones, so if you would please please please email Fox and tell them what douchebags they are for potentially taking something so important away from the fans, I'd appreciate it.
(I've linked the drama to my LJ: cinderellahn(dot) livejournal (dot) com)
From Part Six…
"Mac, what I feel for you is so incredibly powerful. I can try and deny it, and keep playing it safe, but I'm not going to be any happier that way. I'll end up miserable, actually, because sooner or later someone who really is worthy of you will come your way and I'll lose you for good." He gave her a small smile and reached his hand across the table and rubbed his fingers over her soft skin. "I thought about all of this a lot the past few days and I finally came to an important realization."
She couldn't believe he stopped there. "Yes? And?"
"If I run the risk of losing you someday no matter what I do, I at least want to be able to say that I gave it a shot and I was brave enough to tell the woman I've been in love with for longer than I care to admit exactly how much I love her."
Seven
The silence between them was heavy and oppressive. Harm was scared witless about the repercussions that would come from his heartfelt declaration and Mac couldn't believe that after so many years of waiting for him to say anything close to what he just said that he finally did.
"Please say something, Mac. Anything."
She was silent for a moment longer before saying or doing anything. "It feels like I've been waiting my whole life for you to say that to me."
He raised his eyebrows slightly. "I'm happy to hear that." He waited impatiently for her to say something else. He finally cleared his throat. "Mac, I'm dying here. "
"What is there to say? You know how I feel about you. I told you how I felt about you in so many words a very long time ago."
"I don't want to hear 'in so many words' I want to hear point blank how you feel about me. About us."
Her smile couldn't have been brighter. She reached over and ran a hand over his and stroked his wrist. "I love you, Harm. I always have."
He beamed and turned his hand over to link fingers with her. "What do you want? I mean, what do you want for us?"
"I want you, Harm. I want a marriage with you. I want children with you. You should know that though. I mean, our deal to have a baby together is one of the reasons you've been behaving so strangely for the past week or so."
He rolled his eyes and tried to hide his annoyance at his own actions over the last week. He had behaved like a child with his birthday looming over him and wanted to forget all about the pouting and sulking he had done. "This will change so much. We'll have to do something about our careers. Our careers have always been an obstacle to us being together. What are we going to do?" She bit her lower lip and pulled her hand from his, and tapped her fingers against the tabletop. "What is it?"
"I've given that a lot of thought about that actually. I've been thinking about it since I returned from the Guadalcanal. I was optimistic that things between us would move in a positive direction afterwards, so I put in some calls and checked out some options for either of us in case things happened."
"How are we going to decide which one of us is leaving?"
She shrugged. "We really don't have to worry about that yet."
The smile slipped from his face and he studied her. "You mean in case we don't work out, right."
"Harm-" She grabbed his hand again and clutched it. "I didn't say that. I'm not good at the whole relationship thing, and neither are you. We're both scared of the same things; both scared of losing yet another person that we love. Not to mention that I like working with you. I like being your partner. So why change that until our legal status forces us to?"
"You're right."
"I know. It happens a lot." Mac laughed as he tossed a straw wrapper at her.
The rest of their dinner was very enjoyable. The tension had eased as their conversation turned lighthearted, but as Harm followed her back to her apartment and pulled into the lot he felt ill at ease again. He parked his car and joined her by the doorway to her apartment building.
"Ready?"
He nodded and took her hand and joined her inside. The elevator ride up was quiet, only the soft sounds of breathing and the tap of her heel against the tile floor. The car stopped at her floor and when the doors opened they both quietly stepped out. When they stopped at the door, he looked at their twined fingers and then back at her. He raised his hand and brushed his fingers over her cheekbone. "We can say goodnight right here of you're not sure."
Mac shook her head. "I've never been more sure of anything. Come on in." She unlocked the door and led him inside. They shrugged out of their coats and she dropped her bag on the end table.
They looked at each other for a moment before he chuckled and moved his hands to his arms. He marveled at how soft her sweater was and absently wondered if her skin would be as soft. "This is kind of ridiculous. I feel like I'm 16 and I'm alone with Anna McCord for the first time in her parents beach house."
She rolled her eyes and stepped closer to him. He dropped his hands and encircled her waist. She placed a hand on his chest and let her fingers dance across the firm muscles of his chest. "And what exactly did you do with Anna McCord in that beach house?"
He blushed and gave her a sheepish grin. "I'll plead the fifth on that, counselor."
"Did she teach you anything… useful?" She was tired of the awkwardness of the situation. She was finally getting her chance to be with the man she had been in love with for a very long time, and she didn't want to waste anymore of their time. She pulled herself up on her toes and placed her lips against his neck. She sucked gently and smiled to herself when she heard a moan escape him.
"I'm sure you'll… ah… be a much better teacher than a girl I knew when I was 16."
Mac moved her hands to the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head. She eyed him hungrily and then ran her fingers through his dark hair, pulling his face down to meet hers. Their lips touched, and for the first time they kissed purposely and with no misunderstandings. She gave him a gentle shove and he began to walk backwards to the bedroom, never breaking the kiss. They had almost made it until he stumbled into a floor lamp she had recently purchased. They broke apart and assessed the roadblock they had met and then looked back at each other.
Harm studied her and felt as if he had never been more aroused. Her face was flushed a very feminine pink, her lips were full and red, and her dark eyes were nearly black with desire.
She gave him a not quite gentle shove and pushed him against the wall.
He put his hands on her hips and stopped her from resuming their activities. "Mac, I've fantasized about being with you in so many places. Against walls, on tables, in cars, you name it. But the first time you deserve a bed. And I'm an old man. I think I might need one."
Mac smiled at him and placed a soft kiss on his chest. "There is nothing old about you, Harm." She backed away from him and extended her hand. "Come on."
He would willingly follow her anywhere, and was only too happy to take her hand and follow her into her bedroom. They went into her bedroom, where out of habit Mac pushed the door closed behind them. She looked up at him, nervous again all of a sudden. He realized that he needed to step up and make the next move, since she was the one who initiated things in the living room. He moved his hands up under her sweater and sighed softly as he touched the softest skin imaginable. He dropped to his knees and pushed the sweater up just a bit. He placed gentle kisses on her firm stomach and began to undo the button closure on her jeans. He looked and his eyes met hers, and was almost floored by the love shown in them. His eyes not leaving hers, he gave the denim a slight tug to move them past her hips and slid them the rest of the way down. She stepped away from him briefly to move from the material and backed herself towards the bed. He followed her and joined her on the edge. She turned so that she was facing him and placed her much smaller hand on his jeans. "There is no going back, Harm. Once we cross this line I won't be able to go back."
The positive emotion he had previously seen in her eyes had disappeared, making way for insecurity. He placed his palm on her cheek and leaned in for a tender kiss. "I'm sure, Mac. I know you're scared, I am too. But I also know I've never felt like this about anyone before." She smiled and gave him a slight nod. He leaned in for another kiss and gently pushed her back on to the bed.
"Mac." Her only response was to burrow herself even further into the side of his chest. "Mac." He still got no response and sighed. He lowered his hand from her stomach to her hip and began tracing patterns onto the smooth flesh with his fingers. "Sarah."
She groaned and raised only her eyes to meet his. "Hmm?" She closed her eyes again and enjoyed the feel of his hands on her.
"We didn't use any- anything."
This time she lifted her head and studied him for a moment before returning to her previous position and closing her eyes again. "It's fine, Harm. I've been on the pill for a very long time."
"Are you going to stop taking it?"
She shook her head the best she could from the position she was in. "No, not till we're ready. Being an unwed mother would put a slight damper on my career aspirations. Which isn't fair, but it's reality."
He slid his hand up her back to play in her hair. "How long do you want to wait before we take the next step?"
"You mean marriage?" She watched him nod and sighed. "I don't know. We can just play things by ear. Propose whenever you're ready."
"What if you're not ready?"
Mac shook her head and gave him a sleepy smile. "Harm, you could ask me tomorrow and I'd say yes. Ask me in a year and I'll say yes. Ask me whenever you're ready. You know what my answer will be."
They were silent for a moment; the only sound in the room being their gentle breathing. Harm looked down at her and was filled with an indescribable warmth. His feelings for her were on the verge of being overwhelming. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and he wanted the rest of their lives to start as soon as possible. "Mac."
She groaned slightly and forced her eyes open. "Yes?"
"What if I asked you to marry me today? Would you say yes?"
Her eyes popped open and she sat up. The sheet dropped and she grabbed it and clutched it to her chest. "Are you- are you asking?"
"I asked you a question first."
"I'd say yes."
He sat up and smiled at her. "I don't have a ring yet, so if you want me to wait till tomorrow when I can get a ring to ask you, I will."
She shook her head. "I don't need a ring."
Harm took a deep breath and took her hands in his. This forced the sheet to drop, which caused him to grin. She blushed and forced herself to keep her eyes on him and not think about the fact that the man she loved was proposing to her while she sat there topless.
"I love you so much, Mac. I always will. And while this may be fast for most people, it feels right for us. And we can have as long or as short of an engagement as you want, all that matters to me is that I'll have you by my side for the rest of my life. Will you marry me?"
Her eyes were wide and all she could manage was a slight nod. Finally she threw her arms around him, tackling him and bringing them both back down to the bed. "Yes, yes, yes. Of course, yes."
The kiss she gave him left him slightly breathless, and when they parted, he gave her the most devastatingly brilliant smile. "I think everyone was right," he said, "forty seems like it's going to be the best year yet."
End Part Seven
Well. All that's left is the epilogue. It should be up sometime this weekend. As always, feedback is very much appreciated :)