Faith pov.

I had to get out. Cordy wasn't smotherin me or nothin. Hell she was barely touchin me but I needed fresh air. Just got a lot on my mind. Obviously I haven't been researchin shit but oddly it don't matter to me right now. Its just...i just found out that my family I remember aint even my family. I mean shit! I went through all that shit cus somebody took me away from my real family. Oh and the icing on the cake? I'm the devil's child. Well aint that just fine and fuckin dandy?! No really it is! I mean if it aint one thing its another. But who ever took me away why didn't they put me with a normal family? They put me with parents who hated each other. I mean...fuck! Nobody really knows how deep the hatred in my house went when I was little. It was more than my dad getting my mom pregnant. It was more than my mom marryin a man she would never love. On the contrary actually. She tried to get him arrested for rapin her. Problem was, there was a video tape in the bathroom that showed it was consensual in every sense of the word. Only reason she did that though was cus she knew her family would flip. Ya see my dad was bi racial and her parents were racist. Stupid as fuck I know! Mom was a mean bitch to him. Claim she didn't know he was only half white. He claims she knew from the beginnin. I don't see what the big deal was though. I mean so what he was half Hispanic and half Irish? Dad was...is a good man deep down. I know he is. And I'm gonna be completely honest, I'm proud of my heritage. Both sides. Mom was...English? British? French? Hell I know she was European. She had a great complexion. All around when she wasn't pissy drunk or high she was a beautiful woman. Dad was like...i don't know how to describe him but handsome. But you probably figured that out. Anyway off topic, when my grandparents found out about my dad they blew up. Disowned my mom and me. Told her not to use the family last name ever again. Like it was so special anyway. Smith. Glad she did give me dad's last name. Faith Lehane sounds so much more like me. Anyway after that she hated my dad more. Hated me too. I mean not only did this dude get her pregnant at 15 but he caused her family to disown her. And gave her a baby she'd never be proud of. He hated her cus this crazy bitch told him she was 18, tried to get him arrested for rape(not statutory), and then tried to get her brother to beat his ass in. But while he hated her he loved her. My parents were fucked up people. Do I blame them for how I turned out? no. I blame me. I didn't have to be bitter. Didn't have to only dwell on the bad shit. I have some good memories. Like when I was 3, my dad woke me up early on my birthday and took me out and we built a snowman. After that we went to the park and when we got home he introduced me to my baby sister. And that night me, him, mom, Kennedy, and her mom all sat out and watched the stars. No way Kennedy would remember though she was like 11 months. Another time I was like 9 or somethin and one day outta the blue my mom got up and told me to get dressed. She dressed up herself and we went to the zoo and had a girls day out. Mother daughter bonding time. That day she didn't hate me. Why am I talkin bout all this shit? Cus none of it was supposed to happen to me. I'm not supposed to have these memories. The good or the bad. It wasn't my life. I was taken from my real dad and I have absolutely no idea who my real mom is. I mean my mom is my mom cus she had me but I was born before then and moved to...fuck I'm confusin myself! Right now I got a hella questions but nobody who can answer them. I mean if I'm the devil's child does that make me evil? Does it mean I was gonna be a crazy bitch no matter what? di- what the hell was that? I move into the defensive waitin for whatever to attack. Oh its just B.

"Thought you weren't going to patrol tonight." she says. I just look at her.

"I'm not patrolling I'm getting some fresh air." I say with a shrug.

"Oh." she says and I nod. I start to walk off. "Faith?" she calls before I get too far.

"Yeah?" I call back.

"Thanks." she says.

"Don't mention it." I know what she's talkin bout. She's thankin me for helpin. But she shouldn't mention it. I'm evil. Nothin is gonna change that.

"Mind if I walk with you?" she asks. I shrug and she catches up. We fall into step. She's just followin me. Before I know it we're in front of Alan Finch's grave. I kneel in front of it. If I'm really evil why do I feel regret? Why have I tried so hard to prove I'm good? What difference does it make? I get up and slam my fist into the tree I didn't realize was here.

"Faith are you ok?" B asks. Am I ok? no.

"No B I'm not." I say. She shifts.

"Do you...do you want to talk about it?" she asks.

"There's nothin to talk about Buffy." I say. I hear the sadness in my own voice.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, it doesn't even matter...
I had to fall, to loose it all...
But in the end, it doesn't even matter...

"So you just abuse trees for no reason?" she asks with a raised eyebrow. I blow up.

"Its all I'm capable of! I can't do anything good! I'm not good and I never will be!" I yell.

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To remind myself
How I tried so hard...

"Faith what are you talking about? I spoke to Angel, he says you've changed." she says. I let out a bitter laugh.

"So what?! Does that really change your opinion of me? Guess what B, you're right. I'm evil, bad, never gonna change. Aint that what you said to my form when I was in a coma?" I say. I heard everythin.

Despite the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so far
Things arent the way they were before

I tried like hell. In the beginning I was told to do never asked. Like some kinda dog or some shit. But I deserve it.

"I'm sorry Faith." she says.

"You don't know what I did there. Here! I've done some shit that went unnoticed. I've tried like hell to be good."

You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end...

I'm tired of the good shit I do stayin hidden. I want everybody to know what I've done.

"Faith, the only time you did good was when we told you too. Other than that you were too busy being carefree sleeping with everyone." she says.

"Yeah cus I'm a dog to follow orders. You don't know me Buffy! When you were wrapped up in your drama you didn't see anythin that didn't pertain to you. All that shit you think I did? You'd be amazed." I say. "Thing is though, none of the good shit matters." I say lookin down. Nobody knows shit I've done to keep them safe.

You kept everything inside
And even though I tried it all fell apart
What it meant to be, will
Eventually, be a memory of a time

Giles knew I was here before they even met me. All those nights they were at the bronze before then, I was out fightin demons to make sure their much deserved fun wasn't interrupted.

When I tried so hard,
And got so far,
But in the end, it doesn't even matter
I had to fall, to loose it all
But in the end, it doesn't even matter

"Why doesn't it matter?" she asks.

"Cus no matter how much I ignore it I'm evil at heart. Can't escape it but I can't embrace it either." I tell her. I think Giles knew about me. Just the way he acted sometimes. He knew shit but I wasn't privileged to know. I bet they don't even know he got his job back with the council with my help. Hell they probably don't even know he's back with the council. I told him some shit and he said he'd never judge me but he did.

Ive put my trust in you
Pushed as far, as I can go
For all this
Theres only one thing you should know

Ive put my trust, in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
Theres only one thing you should know...

guess I need to be more careful.

"I don't really think you're evil." she says. I look at her eyes.

"Even if the devil himself is my father?" I ask. She looks shocked.

"What are you talking about?" she asks.

"I mean, the man I thought was my dad isn't my dad. I don't really get it but...do you really think I can be good. Sure I want to be but that's different." I say.

I tried so hard,
And got so far,
But in the end, it doesn't even matter
I had to fall, to loose it all,
But in the end, it doesn't even matter

she don't know what to say. I can tell. I give her a sad smile and walk away back to the mansion.

When I get there Cordelia is puttin on some cloths.

"Goin somewhere C?" I asks. She turns to me.

"Faith! Where were you I was worried?!" she asks.

"Went for a walk." I say shruggin.

"Next time leave a note!" she scolds me.

"Didn't know ya still cared." I say. She gives me a look and I know its comin.

"Sit." and its here. I sigh and sit on her bed. "Faith of course I still care. Even though your parents aren't the people you knew you're still you. I'm sure that the whole team would agree. Nothing will ever change how much I care Faith." she says.

You make it easier to be
Easier to be me
It's hard to believe
You make it easy

I sigh. "Cor you're just settin yourself up for disappointment." I say. She shakes her head.

"I don't think I am." she says.

"Well I know you are." I say.

"Is your name Faith Amanda Lehane?" she asks.

"Duh." I say.

"Wasn't that the same name you had before?" she asks.

It felt like the world
Fell from my feet
Gave up on myself
You didn't give up on me
Let myself go
You were still there
Like coming home
Coming up for air
Yeah Yeah

"Yeah what's your point." I ask. She smiles.

"Well it seems to me that you're the same person I've known in LA." she says.

"You don't get it I-" she cuts me off.

"No you don't get it. You're worrying too much. You are you no matter what. If you don't believe me ask the crew when they get here tomorrow." she says. I can't help but smile at her.

You make it easier to be
Easier to be me
It's hard to believe
You make it easy
Easier to be
To be me

"Thanks Cor." I say. She smiles.

"Anytime. And the next time you leave without tellin me I will hunt you down and beat you myself." she says.

"I am an adult you know." I say. She looks at me like I'm crazy.

"Your point?" she asks.

"Got ya." I say. "Hey C?" I call before leavin the room.

"Hmm?" she answers.

"Love ya." I say.

"I love you too. Goodnight." she replies with a warm smile.

"Night."

don't you just love Cordelia? Anyway this was just about Faith's internal battle after the news. The songs are In The End by linkin park and Easier to Be by lifehouse. Soo...can I get some reviews? Thanks.

real quickly let me just say. i've got this question alot. This is not a Cordelia/Faith fic. this is definately a Buffy/Faith fic. just gimme a little more time to start to develop their relationship. thanks for readin.