Oh fuck! FuckfuckFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She knows, she's got it.
I tried to sleep, couldn't even close my eyes so I had a shower but it hasn't done anything to relax me.
I left my diary on the train and she's got it. Eden.
*
Ok so I'm feeling more calm now, I think I can write about what happened.
So for a week she didn't turn up, she wasn't there in the morning or in the evening. I looked on all the different compartments along the train but she was nowhere. I thought that I must have done something wrong, after the last time on the train together. Maybe I scared her off or she really wasn't interested. But I couldn't stop thinking about her hands on my shoulders, her bare knee, flushed skin but mostly her smiles.
The insomnia got really, really bad. So bad that I got sleeping pills from the doctor (never wanted to take them but it was getting so bad.) I didn't take them straight away, putting them off (mom tells me these horror stories about the dangers of sleeping pills. Usually ignore that stuff she says but it's true. I know that first hand now.)
I couldn't sleep so I took some. I can't remember what happened after that. I guess I had a funny reaction to them. The next thing I know I'm being shaken awake on the train. It was her, my pixie. At first I thought I was dreaming, I was wearing my tweed coat over my pyjamas and I somehow decided that sleeping on the train was a good idea. I have no memory of what I did before that, I hope I just got on and slept.
But it was her, kneeling in front of me looking concerned. I have never, ever been so embarrassed. I think she might have wanted to laugh but she didn't. She had a hand on my arm and the other on my knee, shaking it. She asked me if I was ok, she had a lower voice then I expected, and at for a moment I thought I wouldn't be able to speak.
But I did and it was easy! Easy! Maybe it was the sleeping pills but I started talking a mile a minute, telling her that I hadn't been sleeping so the pills must have done something to me. She raised her eyebrows, nodding as I babbled on. She said that she also has trouble sleeping but she doesn't like pills because they can make you do "crazy shit" . And then it was silent and I just looked at her. She smiled, looking really shy and realised I had my bag with me, with her book in it. So I gave it back, as simply as that.
But she didn't look surprised at all, she got this coy look on her face instead. I told her that I was sorry for not giving it back and she said that she "wondered when I was going to return it to her." So she knew, all along, that I had it. She told me that she saw me pick it up as the train moved away ages ago. I apologised, over and over again telling her that she must think I'm a thief or something but I wasn't. She started to laugh, telling me not to "sweat it."
I asked her why she didn't ask for it back and she shot the question right back at me. I couldn't answer straight away but then I told her that I guessed the longer I left it the harder it was to go through with it, that it would look strange if I gave it back after so long. She told me that she understood, that no one talks to each other on the train, even if they see each other everyday for years. I nodded vigorously, happy that she understood.
Then she said that "you and me have broken an unwritten rule, we shouldn't be talking." I said that no one would know because we were alone, we wouldn't get in trouble. She smiled at me again, god my heart was beating like crazy, and said that we weren't strangers anymore and told me her name, Eden. I have never met anyone called that before and I told her so. She sat on the seat next to me and said that she was named after a porn star. I must have looked shocked because she burst out laughing and said she was joking.
So I told her my name, "that's really pretty name" she said, and I thanked her (I felt like I was either going to be sick or start bouncing in my seat, I was so wired.) I was dying to ask her where she had been but I didn't want to sound like I was being nosy or anything but she brought it up herself. She said that she hadn't seen me for a while and was happy to see me now. I said "I wondered where you were" and she told me that she'd been looking for a new place to stay, that she "can't pay the rent because I've only got a part time job in an antique book shop."
I don't have friends so I don't geek out over things with people but I did then. I must have looked so stupid but I couldn't believe she'd work in a place like that. I felt like she was in the same boat as me, in regards to work. But she seemed really pleased that I was excited and we talked about books; she asked me what I was interested in because she'd be happy to look up stuff for me. I told her that I worked in as a timepiece restorer and seller and she looked surprised, looking at me up and down (which reminded me I was in my pyjamas.)
She said that I "look very tweedy, vintage, like you should live in some PG. Woodhouse book, so your profession suits you. It was bugging me, wondering what you did because you're so young." I told her that I like things from the past, especially vintage stuff because it was unique, hard to get sometimes. She laughed and said that was me, "unique."
I just grinned at her. I've never felt so happy, not like that, not like I was filling up and about to burst with it. But I was still feeling a bit nervous but I found it comfortable to talk to her, she's very easy going person (sometimes). Anyway I asked her if she was looking for an apartment now (I didn't think so because the sun hadn't even risen yet) She said no, she couldn't sleep so she likes to ride the trains.
Jesus, I still can't believe she'd do something like that! I told her that's a dangerous thing to do, on her own and she got a bit defensive with me, saying that she was well aware of that but she can take care of herself. I still feel anxious that she'd do that, I mean she looks so waiflike. But her eyes got very intense then, hard and jabbing and I had to look away, saying sorry.
She took my hand, saying that she was sorry. Her touch, her touch sent volts through me and I held her hand gently, telling her then she didn't have to apologise. We sat quiet together, watching the different stations go by. I think it was then that I knew it was going to be something important, it was not going to be a thing I wasn't going to let slip by me. But I didn't know what to do, what to say to her. I couldn't ask her out on a date because she might turn me down, I couldn't ask her for her number because we'd only just started talking. I felt like she was going to slip away from me, that we'd both have to get off and say goodbye and I'd never see her again. All she'd be was a memory I'd fawn over but I wanted more. Tangible and real. Mine.
Luckily for me she's a lot more courageous.
She said I was looking sleepy, warning me that I might fall asleep again. She was right, I was feeling all warm and lethargic, the heat of her next to me peaceful. I said, unthinking, that the stop near my shop was coming up. Eden raised her eyebrows at me, wondering if I was "going to sleep with my watches on the floor?" I said no, laughing, I had a bed. (she didn't ask where the bed was thank god. That would have been humiliating.)
She got up but I just sat there. I really, really didn't want to leave her. The train was slowing and she was standing over me and I said if she was sure about being on her own? She smiled and said she was fine. Then I just blurted out "will you see me again?" It felt like my insides had shrivelled, convinced she'd say no. She bent down over me and brushed the hair away from my forehead (it must have looked messy, hadn't been combed) and said that "you are the only friend that I've made since I moved." I told her that was hard to believe but she said it was true, she hasn't stayed in one place long enough to make any. She said that she would be on the train Monday morning so if I was there then we'd met again but if not I could always come and visit the book shop. So she gave me the address. She straightened up then as the train started to stop and I fisted the seat under me hard but I got up. She said I was "too damn tall" and I agreed.
I walked on to the platform, looking at her. I was petrified that it would be the last glimpse of her, my tummy was in a knot and my heart was beating in my ears. She called out to me before the doors shut that she promised to see me again. I told her not to promise, because they're just words. She told me, looking sad for some reason that "If I say something I mean it Gabriel." Then she grinned and raised her hand as the train moved away and it slipped into the darkness.
It was only once I was half way to the shop that I realised I'd left the diary on the seat. I don't think she'd read it but oh fuck if she did? I mean there's so much stuff in there, not just about her but other stuff that looks so…chancy. They're only my thoughts on paper, the silly stuff doesn't really mean anything. But I will look like a freak if anyone reads it and especially to Eden. Half of me is hoping that this morning was all a crazy dream, a side effect of the drug but I've got her bookshop address. Unless I'm still dreaming? Oh god I think I need to
Oh my god.
Friday August 4th
She's in my shop. She's asleep in my bed.
So unbelievable, that this has happened to me but it has. I can't believe it!
I heard a knock on the glass and I pulled back the curtain and it was her. She was quick to assure me that she hadn't read it, she opened the cover and saw the address that I had written down. I took it from her with a thanks and she nodded. I could see her eyes looking over the place and I said she could have a look if she wanted? So I showed her around. She said I had a lot of crystal everywhere (quartz actually). I explained why I had it but she started to yawn over and over again. She apologised, she hadn't had any sleep and she got lost looking for my shop. I said that she could sit down in back of she wanted. I could see a flash of wariness in her eyes and I quickly told her that it was fine if she didn't want to.
But she did, she came in back and she's still here. She saw the bed of course and laughed. I told her that I work late sometimes and so get too tired to go home. She said that makes perfect sense (well it does.) She sat on it, asking me that if I lived alone. I said it's pretty obvious right? And she laughed and shrugged. Then she started to look me over and I felt myself flushing and she did the same. It's different when you have that "stranger" shield taken away, when you actually talk because it's personal then.
I made her tea (milk, two sugars) and asked her if she had work today and she said no, she was working full time but not anymore, she's about to start a course at college, she wants to be a child psychologist. She saved up for years but she needs to find a cheaper place to stay.
I wish I could help her (that's what I told her). But truthfully what I wanted to tell her was that she could stay with me. I didn't of course because that would sound really odd. But I want to help her and I will somehow. She was blinking rapidly, trying to stay awake and her head kept tilting to the left. I turned around to put the cups on the cupboard and when I turned back she was asleep.
So she's still here, I pulled the blanket over her and I'm sitting watching her sleep now. I left the curtain open so she doesn't wake feeling trapped or anything.
I don't know if anything will come of it, I hope so. But when she wakes I'm going to ask her if I can come see her shop and the books. After that I'll see what happens.
It's going to be different having someone to talk to now. I hope so, never really thought about it but I don't hear my voice enough. Don't want to lose it. doesn't snore.
Notes
The date is Monday May 7th 2009
Did you write our sexual exploits in this? Just kidding!
Don't think you've written in this, or the others I've given you, for years but I like to think you'd find this in the draw in years to come and read this:
I LOVE YOU!
I remember when I first saw you, I was travelling in silence with Clark Kent in Tweed (you know the tweed got me hot and I had to stop myself jumping you… hahaha!) Those first few weeks you were so gentle around me, like I was a mouse, frightened I'd run away. Do you remember?
Right, now I have to go to work and I'll tell you in person when I get back. I think I tired you out…
Pixie.
P.S I'm such a dork for doing this.
P.S.S So if you find this you better do it back! Ok, now I'm really late.
Love you.