Chapter 11: Anatomy Lessons
Disclaimer: Only my stuff is mine.
A/N: I am so so so so so so so sorry! I meant to update, but then I went to Halloween Horror Nights…and I got caught up reading all the other fanfics out there…and I totally forgot about my own stories! Very sorry again!
So, this one is mucho smutty. Warning and age limit still apply. I'm proceeding under the assumption you all know what happens to a man and a woman's body when they…you know. Stuff.
See? I can't even say it. I'm worried about getting blasted for being too graphic. Please don't flame me! Just…tell me politely if I need to take it down.
ENJOY!!
Oh, bad day. Bad day. Why did it have to be a bad day?
Come to think of it…Jack had known it would be a bad day the second he woke up. It was a good thing he had slept on base, cause he had seriously overslept. He had had barely enough time to throw on a clean pair of BDU's and some deodorant before racing to the briefing SG-1 had scheduled for 0500 that morning.
The briefing had started off fine, Daniel only making a few snide comments about the colonel's disheveled appearance. It didn't help much that Carter had shown up in a similar state of untidiness. Her BDU's rumpled and her hair tousled.
All in all…she looked adorable.
But both officers who so very obviously had a "thing" for showing up looking tired and messy…well, it led witnesses to believe that something had…transpired.
When it so had not.
Too bad.
Carter managed to smooth out her hair and unwrinkle her uniform a bit before the General came in. While Jack was sure the General would have overlooked her less than spic appearance, Carter liked to keep it professional.
Jack, on the other hand, mussed his hair even more earning a small smirk from Sam.
So worth it.
It was the end of the briefing that crashed on Jack's head. This was their first mission following the incident of Nirrti's latest experiment. They had lost the Russian Colonel Evanov and…he had almost lost Carter.
Nirrti had messed with her genetics and almost killed her. Jack shuddered to think what would have happened if he hadn't been able to get through to Woden and Egar.
He shook his head. No. He wouldn't dwell on the past.
Carter was fine. She was here and she was fine.
But the Russians weren't. Oh, no. The Russians were pissed.
So pissed, in fact, that they demanded another team be sent through with SG-1 on their next mission. Which was today.
They were going to P4X-997 or, as Jack had dubbed, the 'big honkin' plant' planet. This because that was all the planet seemed to be. Just chalk full of huge, leafy plants. Plants that came in various hues of green, blue, pink, and purple.
Pretty, yes. Boring, definitely. Chance of danger, high. Why?
Because SG-1 never got the easy planets. And because any planet that seems to exude only planty peace is usually very, very bad.
And now they were hampering SG-1 with another Russian team. Which was just plain annoying. Every time a Russian tagged along they got killed. Or almost got one of Jack's team killed.
Dammit.
Yes, that was the second sign that today was gonna royally suck.
The third was a relatively small blip…it really shouldn't have meant too much.
But it did.
And they all knew it.
Walter.
Called.
In.
Sick.
That boded badly.
Three omens.
Three murkily clear signs.
And here he was. Right where he thought he'd be. In a bad situation.
Turns out the plants weren't as harmless as they seemed on camera. No…they didn't like having their territory invaded. Especially by males. Immediately upon exiting the wormhole, Jack had been snatched by a thick vine-like plant and held in the air, his toes barely touching the ground.
A quick glance showed that Daniel, Teal'c, and the entire Russian team (who were letting a flood of Russian curses so volatile they were making Daniel blush) were in the same position. Only Carter, God bless her, seemed to escape the evil plant's wrath. The vines only slithered around her feet. Close, but not touching her.
After discovering that they weren't going to attack her and they didn't seem to want to hurt the guys, she found the situation quite hilarious. Sam was doing an admirable job of not letting her mirth show…that is, until, the vine holding Teal'c decided it would be prudent to turn the Jaffa upside down and shake him.
Repeatedly.
"I am not enjoying this." Teal'c growled after several minutes on the plant rollercoaster.
That was when Sam had lost it. Doubling over she had to grab onto the MALP to stay upright.
"This is not amusing, Major Carter." Teal'c ground out, wiggling futilely against his bonds.
"No…no, of course not, Teal'c." Sam gasped as she fought her laughter. "Not…funny…at all."
"Carter!" Jack shouted, trying to infuse his voice with frustration instead of humor. "Little less laughter, little more getting me down!" He glanced around when Daniel cleared his throat pointedly. "Us. Getting us down." He gave Daniel a 'happy now?' look and shook his head when Daniel grinned smugly.
"Yes, sir." Sam cleared her throat and straightened her vest, looking around for anything that could help. Her gaze landed upon a small lizard-like creature that also seemed to be caught by the plants. "Looks like you're not the only ones in this…predicament." The men turned to see what she was looking at.
"How…cute." Daniel frowned. "An alien lizard. Hm."
"Yes, Daniel. Cute." Jack quipped. "Carter, how does that help us?"
"Well…I can try different methods of removal on him." She turned and met his gaze, raising an eyebrow. "Unless you want me to use you as the guinea pig?"
"Ah…no."
"Didn't think so."
"Snippiness, Carter?" Jack raised his eyebrows and glared down at his 2IC. The small smirk on his lips gave away that he was only kidding.
"Nuh-uh."
"Insubordination?"
"Never." She smiled and bounced on her heels, imitating the action she had often seen her CO do.
Jack opened his mouth to respond, but Daniel cleared his throat again. "This is sweet and all…but I'd really like to get down." He glanced at Teal'c, who was no longer being shaken, but was still upside down. "And so would Teal'c."
The Russian leader shouted angrily and thrashed around. "Uh…he says, 'me too.'" Daniel cleared his throat and glared at the Russian.
Jack and Sam raised their eyebrows in identical expressions of disbelief. "Oh? That was a very long 'me too.'" Jack asked, throwing the Russian man a contemptuous look.
"Um, yes, well…he may have added some other…words." Daniel coughed again.
Sam ducked her head, hiding her smile and Jack scowled at the Russian.
"Cмотреть!" The harsh cry startled all those present.
"He says, 'Look!'" Daniel translated. They all turned to look at the lizard-y thing again. A little furry creature that greatly resembled a bunny was slowly approaching the lizard.
"Cute." Sam said, a little grin playing over her lips.
"I do not believe creatures with fangs are…'cute'…Major Carter." Teal'c glowered at the upside down world.
"Bunnicula, anyone?" Jack said, referring to child series containing a bunny with vampire…qualities.
"Ha. Ha." Daniel said. "Just watch." Jack scowled, but turned his gaze back to "bunny" and the "lizard."
And that's when it happened.
As the "bunny" got closer the vine seemed to tighten. And tighten. And tighten. Then when the "bunny" was six inches from its prey…
Both the "bunny" and the "lizard" exploded.
As in boom.
Suddenly…the situation wasn't so funny.
Jack, Daniel, Teal'c, and the Russian team all froze; afraid to make the slightest movement for fear they would befall the same fate. Sam froze too. Her eyes wide with horror, she slowly turned to face her friends.
"дерьмо" The Russian 2IC said flatly, terror evident on his face.
"Shit." Sam agreed. She understood that one.
"Okay…nobody panic." Daniel said, his eyes wide behind his glasses.
"Right. Why would we panic? It's not like we're gonna explode." Jack shouted sarcastically. "Oh, wait! Yes, we are!"
"Sir, that's not helping!" Sam shouted back. She couldn't even think about what she would do if he…if any of them…exploded. They were more than her friends…they were her family. And one was even more than that. Jack was more than that. She didn't care if she had crossed the insubordination line, she needed to get them out of there.
Now.
"Carter!" Jack growled. He wasn't angry with her…but he didn't want her to see them…die.
"Sir!" she squeezed her eyes shut. "Please. I—I need to figure this out." She leaned against the MALP, careful not to go near the guys. Taking a deep breath, she turned back to the colonel. "Colonel…do you trust me?"
Jack met her eyes. "Yes."
"Good." Sam took a few steps closer to him. The vine contracted and Jack groaned. Sam backed off quickly, leaning against the MALP again. So it reacted to humans the same way it did animals. "You see, sir? As I get closer, it tightens around you, and we'll explode together."
As dire as the situation was…Sam knew she definitely should have worded that better. Raising her eyes to meet Jack's, she knew he heard the double meaning behind her words.
And he found them hilarious.
She blushed hotly as he burst out laughing, along with Daniel…and Teal'c.
Wait, Teal'c?
Oh, the blood had so gone to his head.
The Russians stared at the three laughing members of SG-1 and the flushing Major.
"какой?" One of the Russians asked.
Daniel, gasping for breath, repeated Sam's words in Russian. After a pregnant pause the entire Russian team cracked up. Sam's blush deepened and, in between guffaws, Jack noticed how attractive she looked with red cheeks.
"Guys…I didn't mean…you know what I…" she trailed, realizing her attempts to back track only made them laugh harder. Fueled by embarrassed indignation, Sam crossed her arms and jutted out her hip. "I wouldn't piss me off. Given what would happen if I walk close to you." Oh yeah, she'd make sure she got out of the way before they exploded.
"Yeah…it tightens around us…and we'll all explode…together." Daniel choked out. His laughter was stopped abruptly as he hit the ground. Stunned silence followed. When his mind caught up with what just happened, he scrambled away from the vine and landed unceremoniously at Sam's feet.
Forgetting about being laughed at, Sam reached down and helped Daniel to his feet.
"Hey, how'd you--!" Jack started indignantly when, he too, landed gracelessly on the ground. Standing quickly and hurrying to Carter's other side, he heard five more thumps as Teal'c and the Russian team were also released.
"But, how--!" Sam started, but Jack clamped a hand on her arm.
"Never mind. Daniel, dial us out. Now." Jack ordered as Teal'c and the Russians scrambled towards them.
"Right." Daniel pressed the symbols and the wormhole 'kawhooshed' out. The vines retracted, disappearing into the colorful foliage.
"Move out!" Jack commanded. They rushed through the gate, the MALP following after Sam punched in the control commands.
They landed noisily on the metal ramp of the SGC. "Shut it down!" Jack ordered. He didn't want any of the vines getting brave and trying to follow them.
"SG-1, report!" The General's voice rang through the gateroom. "You've only been gone twenty minutes!"
"Yes, General!" Jack shouted back. "A very long, eventful twenty minutes!"
"What happened?" Hammond asked.
"Plants, General. Plants, happened." Jack said, rolling his eyes.
Hammond turned to Daniel when it became obvious that he wasn't going to get a straight answer from his 2IC. "Dr. Jackson?"
"What he said, General." Daniel replied distractedly. He had noticed a small red button on the MALP was blinking. 'I've never noticed that before.'
The General raised his eyebrows in surprise.
"General, with your permission, we'd like to get cleaned up before the briefing." Jack asked, glancing back at Daniel, who seemed enthralled with the MALP.
"Granted. Report to the infirmary first, Colonel." Hammond inwardly shook his head at Jack's attempt to avoid post mission protocol.
"Ah…yes, infirmary. Penlights, needles…power mongers." Jack quipped as he started for the blast doors. Sam followed him, laughing softly.
Then she stopped dead in her tracks. So did Jack. In fact, everyone stopped what they were doing and listened to a very familiar voice fill the gateroom and the control room.
A very familiar voice emanating from the MALP.
Sam whipped around and met the gaze of a very guilty Daniel. What had he done?
Sam's tinny voice rang clear from the MALP. "You see, sir? As I get closer, it tightens around you, and we'll explode together."
Sam dropped her head and attempted to back out of the room, but, instead, ran into Jack's chest. His hands automatically came up to rest on her shoulders.
"Where's the fire, Carter?" He joked, not moving away from her. "Stick around."
The gateroom had exploded in laughter. And, Sam couldn't hear it, but she was sure that the control room was in a similar state of hilarity.
"Sorry, Sam…I just pressed this…red…button…" Daniel trailed in between chuckles. Turns out, MALPs have record buttons. Sam must have pressed it when she leaned against it on the planet.
Oh, that was rich.
"Daniel." Sam growled, trying to rush at him, but Jack held her back, pulling her against his chest again.
"Relax." Jack said in a low voice, so that only she could hear. She shivered as his breath whispered against her neck. "It's not a big deal. We'll only make fun of you for, oh, ever."
Sam dropped her chin to her chest and shook her head when Jack squeezed her shoulders, releasing her. Turning quickly and hurrying from the room, Sam tried to shove her embarrassment down.
'Oh yeah.' Sam thought mournfully. 'My career is over.'
--
A/N: Please R&R!! Oh, and much kudos to whoever guesses where I got 'murky clarity' from. It's elementary, yes…but guessing games are fun!
Oh, and I decided laughter was what got the vines to let go. Haha. LOL.
Sorry about the weird formatting! I don't know what's up with the bold…but I can't fix it. Sorry.