Chapter 19: Location, Location, Location…

Disclaimer: Only my stuff is mine.

A/N: Okay, so it's not really a double entendre. Just a dirty idea I came up with. LOL. I was really, really, really bored and this chapter is actually probably pretty bad…but I figured 'what they hey'? So I'm posting it. LOL.

ENJOY!!!

Again, NOT A DOUBLE ENTENDRE!!! JUST A DIRTY IDEA!!!

Sam rolled her shoulders uncomfortably and swiped at the damp hair on her forehead. SG-1 hadn't even been on P4X-98something for more than thirty minutes and she was already soaked through with sweat. Her pants were sticking in all the wrong places, her shirt was plastered uncomfortably to her skin, and her jacket was a seriously unwanted item of clothing that just served to hold the heat in. Sam rolled her shoulders again and made a small noise of discomfort in the back of her throat.

She wasn't one to complain about being uncomfortable, but, right now…she just didn't care. It was hot, humid, and the air had an unusual sticky quality to it that wormed its way into her pores and made her skin crawl. She knew her hair was a total loss. Her bangs seemed to be permanently glued to her forehead and the humidity was doing unspeakably bad things to the rest of it.

But what did she care? It wasn't like she was trying to impress anyone. Or, if she was, there was only one person she cared about impressing…and he was completely unattainable. And, so far as she knew…completely uninterested. Sam made that noise at the back of her throat again.

Daniel, who was walking a little ahead of her, turned around at her growl of discomfort and smiled sympathetically. His own hair was flat against his head and his neck was starting to turn red from the unending heat. He had shed his jacket and Sam considered doing the same.

The only thing holding her back was her choice of attire that day. She was completely within regulations…but she hadn't really chosen her shirt with the intent of taking off her jacket. Underneath the BDU jacket she was wearing a thin black tank top that showed way more cleavage than she usually did. In fact, Sam tried not to show off her chest at work. Tried very, very hard not to.

Because it didn't matter. All those fashion magazines said that cleavage was how a woman first says 'hello' to the opposite sex. Well, at the SGC, she didn't particularly want to say 'hello' to anyone.

Nope, not her. Nuh-uh.

'Oh, who am I trying to fool?' Sam thought with a thread of anger. It was hot, she was tired, frustrated, lonely, bored (this planet had absolutely nothing of value on it), and she felt disgustingly squishy.

Every time her boot hit the ground she imagined her foot squelching into a pile of sweat. Not a pleasant thought.

Daniel purposely slowed down and moved so that he was walking next to Sam. "Everything alright, Sam?" Behind his glasses, his blue eyes were looking at her earnestly. "You, uh, don't look too…happy?"

Despite her increasingly foul and self-pitying mood, Sam smiled. "I'm fine, Daniel. Just anxious, I guess. I'm not exactly used to planets where people or… things aren't trying to study, eat, or kill me."

"The heat's not helping much either, huh?" Daniel grinned and used the back of his sleeve to swipe at his forehead.

Sam shook her head slightly. "No. No, not really." She smiled, hoping Daniel didn't catch the edge in her voice.

But, of course…he did. He touched her shoulder lightly and brought them to a halt. "Sam? Are you sure you're okay?"

Sam opened her mouth to declare, like always, that she was fine. Or F.I.N.E. which was a lot more apt. But, she didn't. Something in her snapped and she just couldn't take it anymore. "You know, Daniel? I'm really not, but you know what will help me a whole lot? Taking off this stupid jacket."

Jack, who was walking a good distance from the rest of his team, turned to ask his second how much longer walking around this hot-as-hell planet was scientifically warranted when he noticed that neither she nor Daniel were actually walking. They were stopped a little ways back, but even from this distance Jack could tell that Daniel had on his concerned face.

And he could tell that Carter was definitely not having a good day. 'And how do you know this?' An annoyingly taunting voice in the back of Jack's head asked. 'Because I'm an extremely perceptive human being.' Jack answered back. When the tinny little voice let the silence draw out, Jack amended his words. 'Okay…scratch that.'

'No, no!' The stupid little voice chimed. 'You are perceptive…but most so when it comes to--,'

Jack quashed the little voice right there. No way was he letting his thoughts run away from him today. He was in no mood for that. So Carter thought she was the only one not having a good time? Well…he'd show her.

Jack opened his mouth to shout for his lagging teammates to hightail it back to position, when Carter made a sudden, decisive movement. In one smooth motion, she removed her jacket…revealing a very revealing tank top.

Jack's words died on his tongue. He knew that his 2IC hated wearing things that showed off what she considered to be too much skin. She had told him so herself. So shocked was he that he did not hear Teal'c approach him from behind.

The Jaffa had taken point and had been some distance away, but had obviously realized that he had lost the rest of his team. Turning back he had discovered the team's leader staring open-mouthed at Major Carter.

"O'Neill…would it not be wise to return your mouth to a closed position? You may catch fleas." Teal'c's voice rumbled from his chest.

Jack jumped and spun around. "I wasn't staring at Carter!" he announced before realizing that Teal'c had never actually said anything about gawking at Carter. He cleared his throat as Teal'c continued to look at him impassively. "And its flies, Teal'c. Not fleas."

"That is what I said." Teal'c cocked his head and raised an eyebrow, daring Jack to argue.

Jack blinked at the older man before scrubbing his palms over his face. Why was this planet so damn hot?

"Jack?" Daniel's voice sounded from behind Jack, startling the man again.

"What, Daniel?" Jack spun around, coming face to face with Daniel. "Jesus--!" Jack stepped back reflexively, surprised at how close Daniel was.

Unfortunately, he backed right into Teal'c's broad chest. "Gah!" Spinning around so that Teal'c was on his left and Daniel on his right, Jack took several steps away from both of them, hands raised. Looking back and forth between the two of them, he widened his eyes. "Whoa." He said, splaying his fingers. "Both of you need a refresher course in the whole "personal bubble" thing." He stared at them for another moment, before turning exasperatedly around, preparing to walk away from both of them.

Only he never got that far.

He got to the turning around part. But that's where the problem started.

Because his hands were still raised.

And because Carter was standing right behind him wearing only that thin little tanktop.

'No. God, please, no.' Was all Jack had time to think before his hands were suddenly somewhere very forbidden.

Very, very forbidden.

He tried to redirect, but the damage was done. It was too late. Sam's eyes widened as propriety warred with amusement and anger. A nanosecond after Jack's hands had made contact with said forbidden places, Sam took a step back.

Only, an even funnier thing happened.

When she stepped back, his hands were still there.

"Jack!" Daniel yelled when it became clear that Jack's hands weren't moving from their current spot. Daniel knew Jack wasn't a pervert, he didn't purposely feel women up, but…this was Sam.

This was bad.

"Colonel!" Sam choked out, her flaming cheeks having nothing to do with the heat from the planet. Why wasn't he moving away?!

Jack's mouth worked like a fish out of water and his eyes bulged. He yanked on his hands, but that didn't have the intended effect at all.

In fact…it the opposite effect. Sam stumbled into him, Jack's hands squashed between them. "What…the…HELL?!" he choked out, his voice sounding raspy. "Carter, I can't--!" He broke off as both officers continued to struggle.

Thankfully, the tank top had a little stretch to it, so if Sam and Jack both pulled hard enough in opposite directions, his hands were no longer actually touching her chest, but…they were still dangerously close.

"Daniel!" Both officers cried as it became apparent that they weren't getting un-stuck any time soon.

Their only reply, however, was a strangled snort and a badly disguised laugh.

Which was ever so helpful.

Teal'c was staring off into the trees somewhere, his jaw working furiously. Daniel, on the other hand, had not hidden his amusement as well. He was bent over double, hands on his knees, and loud guffaws issuing from his mouth.

When the archaeologist had finally managed to gain some semblance of control over himself, he made to stand back up. Only he didn't get very far. "What the--? Ah, dammit." He muttered as he tried (and failed) to remove his hands from his knees.

"What is going on here!" Jack shouted. His cheeks were hot with embarrassment. 'I don't blush.' He thought adamantly. 'Apparently, I do.' He thought a second later as his cheeks reddened further. Carter was looking anywhere except at him and was redder than he had ever seen her.

Sam focused her gaze at a rock that was lying on the ground near the Colonel's foot. Her mind was working furiously, but she could hardly hear herself think over the sound of her own heartbeat. It was so loud she was sure that General Hammond back on Earth could hear it. 'That's not possible.' Her internal scientist piped up. 'You are more than one hundred thous--,'

"Shut up!" Sam yelled at both herself and the rest of the team. Surprisingly enough, everyone did shut up. Jack, who had been avoiding her gaze just a studiously as she had been avoiding his, was shocked into meeting her eyes. Daniel had his neck craned uncomfortably so that he, too, could look at her. Teal'c, whose jaw had finally stopped exercising, had trained his eyes on Sam also.

Sam closed her eyes briefly before opening them and turning their full force on the Colonel. If he had been anyone else-- anyone!—she could have handled this situation calmly and effectively.

But this was not anyone else.

This was the Colonel.

He was the one person who should not stir anything but admiration in her, but who, in reality, stirred more in her than anyone else ever had.

She couldn't think with all of them shouting and/or laughing. Sam took a deep breath, but didn't break eye contact with her CO. "Colonel…are you sure that you can't let go?"

"Yes, Carter." Jack answered through clenched teeth. "I am sure that I can't let go." 'Why her?' Jack mentally threw his hands in the air. 'Why did it have to be her?' Jack (who may or may not have thought about doing this a whole bunch of times) had never pictured it like this. Carter deserved more than he could ever give her.

Not that she would ever give him the time of day.

"Jack, are you sure?" Daniel, whose neck was still tilted uncomfortably, had a odd edge to his voice. He knew that the officers had feelings for one another…and he also knew that neither one of them was aware that the feeling were mutual. And, while Daniel knew that Jack was no lecher…

The heat can do strange things to people.

And their inhibitions.

Jack turned wide, slightly betrayed eyes on Daniel. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I was just—I mean you…a-and Sam…nevermind." Daniel dropped his head in order to hide his smile.

"Would it not be wise, Daniel Jackson, if we concentrated on disengaging O'Neill's hands from Major Carter's--," Teal'c started, but Jack cut him off.

"Teal'c!" It was more of a bark than anything else. "Not so much with the helping." Jack, momentarily forgetting their predicament, went to move his hands in a 'cut it out' gesture. Instead of having the intended effect, it only served to stretch Sam's shirt across her chest and pull her closer to him.

"Sir." Her voice was low and distracted. Her reaction was pure instinct. She knew he was doing something that he shouldn't be, but her mind wasn't there. Her eyes had a faraway look in them that Jack knew from experience was only a preamble to a whole lot of technobabble.

Daniel cocked his head. "Hey, Sam…I bet you're wishing you hadn't taken off you're jacket, huh? At least then you could just unzip it and it would be problem solved."

"Funny." Jack glared at the younger man.

"I thought so." Daniel shot back.

"Major Carter." Teal'c cut across the two men. "Why is it that this adhesive reaction is only occurring now?"

"Yeah." Daniel jumped in. "How come my hand didn't stick to your arm and your hands didn't stick to your jacket?"

Sam glanced at Daniel and Teal'c. "I don't know…maybe the reaction only takes place after a certain amount of time. I don't know about you guys, but I thought the air had a vaguely sticky quality to it."

"Okay, we can discuss the how's and why's later." Jack said impatiently, trying very hard not to be aware of how close he and Carter were. "Right now, I'm more interested in undoing it."

"Undoing it meaning Sam's shirt." Daniel muttered under his breath, annoyed as his neck started to ache.

"What?" Both officers whipped around to glare at Daniel. Which was actually a really bad idea. Jack, who had turned first, pulled Carter off balance and they both tumbled to the ground.

Sam landed on top of Jack, forcing Jack to essentially grab her chest even harder and put his elbows at an awkward angle to the rest of his body.

"Carter!" Jack yelled even though it was his fault. He had no idea what he was going to do because, not only was skin-to-cloth adhesive, but cloth-to-cloth was too. Now, he and Carter were stuck together from head to toe. Her head was nestled in the crook of his neck and his chin was stuck to the top of her head.

Goddamn.

Daniel cracked up as soon as it became apparent that neither officer could move. His knees hit the floor, which squashed his fingers, but he was laughing too hard to care. Teal'c's mouth was twitching and it looked like he was making a Herculean effort not to smile.

And, despite their mutual (it was mutual even though neither one was aware of the other's feelings) more-than-CO-and-2IC feelings and the really awkward circumstances, it was too much for Jack and Sam

They cracked up too. Sam had long since given up on ever having a relationship with the Colonel so she'd take what she could get. So Sam and Jack laughed until both had the startling realization of how they were going to get out of this predicament. Simultaneously, their laughter spluttered out.

"Colonel…"

"Don't say it, Carter. That's an order."

"Sir, they're going to have to cut--,"

"Carter!"

"Sorry, sir." Sam closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"Carter…could you not…do that?" Jack's voice sounded strained and Sam felt her cheeks flare with heat.

"Sorry." It was barely more than a whisper.

Jack squeezed his eyes shut and tried very heard to control his heartbeat…among other things. He was aware of every inch of his second and the way her breath whispered across his throat.

'Dammit. It had to be us.' Jack mentally complained.

He was well aware of how they were going to have to be separated. They'd have to call in reinforcements, who would have to cut away all of their clothes, leaving them in only their skivvies and a permanent blush. God…

Jack shifted absentmindedly as a piece of Carter's hair tickled his mouth. 'Oh, no…'

They were going to have to cut Carter's hair.

She was going to kill him.

Hope you liked!! No flames, please! BTW: F.I.N.E stands for Freaked out. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional.