Dear B
Summary: What if Victor had a slightly different take away from Ms. Albright's story about Simon?
~ Chapter 1 ~
"You know, my favorite Winter Carnival story belongs to Simon Spier," Ms. Albright told me defensively. I felt like I'd somehow personally offended her honor with my skepticism.
"Uh, who's that?" I asked as I followed her.
"Well, he's kind of a Creekwood legend, you know? He made a big declaration of love to this mystery guy he'd been texting and emailing." My heart started to pound in my ears. He made a declaration of love to a mystery guy. HE made the declaration. HE.
Ms. Albright continued as if she hadn't said anything out of the ordinary. Maybe she hadn't. Maybe being into guys wasn't a big deal here. When I found out that we were moving, I'd convinced myself over and over again that coming here would be a fresh start, and I was starting to feel like maybe that wasn't just a lie I told myself. Would I finally have the space to figure out who I was? "And then he rode the Ferris wheel round and round until the guy showed up! And then, in front of the whole school, they had their first kiss. Aw. Mm."
Ms. Albright had a sappy smile on her face. I could hardly believe it. It felt like a sign; maybe this move was going to be a really, really good thing for me. "Your locker's over here."
"Thanks. So, um, you know. People here are cool with that? You know, him being…" I couldn't get the word out; I'd always had a problem with saying it out loud ever since I understood what it meant. It was like it made me feel like the whole world would know it was way more than just a word to me and that it was a question that seemed to live in my brain constantly.
"Gay?" she confirmed. I nodded. "Yeah. Oh, they cheered. It was… it was beautiful." I almost smiled. People here cheered for two gay guys kissing on the Ferris Wheel. I felt like I'd moved to a different world rather than a different state. I'd known Atlanta was way bigger than Graham, but I hadn't realized it was going to be this much more open-minded. "You know, it reminded me of my first kiss, which was also with a gay boy." She got a nostalgic look on her face. I wasn't sure what to say to that, and I shifted uncomfortably. I decided not to say anything; it seemed like the safest course of action.
"Right. So, uh, how did he do it?" I asked. I hoped I didn't seem too eager, but it was the first time someone had openly talked about anything like this in front of me. In Texas, these were conversations that happened in church when Father Carter was lamenting the loss of traditional wedding values or when my friends were making jokes about it. I'd never heard anyone genuinely talk about it. Ms. Albright's enthusiasm was equally refreshing and surprising. "How'd he meet the mystery guy?"
"They'd been talking back and forth the whole school year. Anonymously, of course. Simon went by Jacques; pretty clever, right?" Was it? Before I had the chance to ask her how those two names were related, she continued, "after Simon… came out, he made this whole beautiful post asking Bram to meet him at the carnival. And they've been living happily ever after since then."
"They're still together?" I asked surprised.
"Oh, yeah. They came to see me over winter break just a few weeks ago, and they're happy as can be. They go to school up in New York, got themselves a cozy apartment together. They're happy." She sighed happily. "They deserve it."
She suddenly got a disgruntled look on her face and her eyes zoned in on someone at the end of the hall. "I see you, Watson. You can run, but you can't hide from me," she warned as she briskly walked away.
I opened my locker and closed my eyes for a second. I just needed a second to wrap my head around the impossibility of what she'd told me. I was at a school so supportive that they cheered for two guys that kissed on a Ferris Wheel. It was more than I could've hoped for. Maybe, for the first time, I'd have the chance to figure out my stuff without anyone else getting in the way. I'd be able to exist without worrying about the homophobic attitudes of my classmates and simply focus on me.
That hope and all the warm feelings Ms. Albright's story had filled me with lasted approximately ten seconds. My first day of school was a medley of messed up after that.
There was the automatic assumption that I'd have left behind a girlfriend in Texas if there had been someone to leave behind and my frustrating inability to vocalize that I wasn't even sure I wanted a girlfriend. It had been the start of my pent up anger because it felt like in the span of ten seconds, I'd thrown my fresh start out the window.
There was Benji whose very presence made my brain turn to marshmallow and left me feeling confused and frustrated after he introduced himself to me. Why Benji? Why was it so hard to stop thinking about him?
There was Felix's, "you don't want people to get the wrong idea" and the mental spiral that sent me down because would they be getting the wrong idea? I didn't feel like I liked Benji right now, but if I got to know him… I couldn't deny it was a possibility.
There were all of the casual, "that's so gay" declarations that were thrown around in the locker room in response to someone not sleeping with a girl he'd hooked up with, and in the hallway in response to a teacher telling someone to put their phone away, and in History when we were given a pop quiz at the end of class to see how well we'd taken our notes, and about fifty other times for seemingly no reason.
There was the kid with blue streaks in his hair who came into our English class to talk about auditions for the play. He'd enthusiastically talked about how they were going to be performing Beauty and the Beast in January and when he made a joke about how he was probably going to be the beast and he needed someone great to play his princess, one kid laughed and said he always thought he was into princes. The kid looked horrified and started stammering like the very idea was appalling.
There was the GoFundMe that Andrew had no right to make and, admittedly, had nothing to do with my confusion but still added to how shitty I felt. With every person who came up to me to ask how they could help, my frustration grew and grew. Even after I'd almost fought with Andrew, so many people didn't have a clue and didn't seem to hear me when I said I didn't need their money or their pity.
There was the call of "get it, new kid" that echoed around in my head long after it happened. It was another layer of confusion because Benji had just helped me pick up my scattered lunch. Literally, that was all he'd done, but his mere presence was enough to turn it into a joke. If I was like him, was that what I would become? A joke?
There was the kid who coughed, "gay" under his breath when our Sex Ed teacher told us we'd be learning about both vaginal and anal sex after we finished up with the female reproductive system.
There were a hundred tiny things that normally would have rolled right off of me, but instead seemed to attach themselves to my growing mountain of agitation.
The only good part of my day had been showing up Andrew in gym class, but even that had been ruined by a $500 price tag. Everything that happened today didn't make sense to me.
When Ms. Albright told me about Simon, I'd formed an idea of what Creekwood might be like. In my head, I'd started to picture it as a radically accepting place and… it wasn't. It had fallen so short of that image. How was it possible that the school that cheered for Simon's first kiss with his boyfriend was the same school that I'd walked through today? I couldn't reconcile those two things. Could that much have changed in two years? Or had Simon just somehow been untouchable when he walked these halls?
My mood only got worse as the school day went on. It felt like everyone was specifically trying to wear down my resolve, and they were succeeding. The more my mood plummeted, the more frustrated I got at all the small things. My agitation threatened to burst out of me. I just needed the smallest push, and I would snap. I almost welcomed the excuse to let it out.
I needed a minute to breathe because, despite what Ms. Albright had led me to believe, Creekwood was not that different from Graham. Felix shouldn't have been my breaking point. It wasn't his fault; he wasn't the one who wrote that stupid post about my argument with Andrew. Why was that news? Why did getting justifiably pissed at Andrew for trying to exploit and shame me land me on the school blog as someone with anger issues? Why did this dumb school even have a blog?
I knew the moment I snapped that I was taking my anger out on the wrong person, but Felix was there, so he bore the brunt of it.
When I finally got back to my apartment and fell back on my bed, I just needed my brain to turn off. Instead, all the shitty parts of my day seemed to tangle together until they created a twisted blanket that tightly wrapped around me. It didn't release its hold on me until I heard fighting coming from the kitchen. I closed my eyes for a moment. There had been noticeable tension between our parents ever since they told us they were moving. I figured dealing with their problems was better than dealing with mine, so I forced myself out of bed.
I couldn't say I was surprised when I heard about Pilar's fight. She'd been in a pretty bad place at lunch and neither of us could claim to be the most level-headed when we were stressed and upset. I felt a little guilty. Maybe I should have done more to help her instead of encouraging her to give it time. I probably would have only gotten angrier if someone had said that to me today.
Little made me feel more put together than fixing someone else's problem. It was kind of like my parents fighting was my lifeline out of my own crappy mood. I talked them down and knowing I put out their fire instantly extinguished my anger… almost.
I realized there was one more fire I needed to put before everything would be okay. I fished the walkie-talkie out of the box I'd thrown it in when I made up my mind that I was never going to use it. If I was going to apologize, I was going to do it properly, and it felt like an olive branch to use this. I hoped he'd take it. I couldn't blame him if he was pissed with me.
"Victor to Felix," I said into the walkie-talkie. I felt self-conscious even though this whole thing was Felix's idea. I'd never used one before, but it felt like a toy for little kids. "I don't know if you're there, but, uh -"
"I'm here," he interrupted. "What's up? Over."
"I'm really sorry about today. It was a really overwhelming day, but I shouldn't have taken my bad mood out on you."
"It's okay," he assured me.
"No, it's not. I'd like to make it up to you. Are you still going to the Winter Carnival tonight?"
"Yeah. I'll pick you up at 7?"
"I'll see you at 6:45."
There were still a couple of hours until Felix would be here, so I curled up on my bed, opened my laptop, and did a deep dive into Creekwood as Simon had known it. It took a long time to go far enough back on the school blog to where the posts from two years ago had been archived. It was almost two years to the day that Simon had written the infamous post Ms. Albright had mentioned.
I read it several times because… wow, Simon sure was confident. I couldn't imagine the situation that would prompt me to put my feelings out into the world like he did. I mean, good for him.
It was exactly what Ms. Albright had said. As I read through the thousands of comments that had been left on his post, I realized he'd gotten some hate as well, but most of them were overwhelmingly positive, and even the hate had a string of comments defending him. Was that how he'd gotten through it? By recognizing that the love was louder than the hate? They called Simon brave, inspirational, a trendsetter.
As I kept reading all of the subsequent posts thanking Simon and sharing something personal about themselves, I couldn't picture it. I couldn't see anything like that happening at the Creekwood I'd gone to today. I switched over to Instagram so I could see the perfect life he was living, and I found my anger surging again. Here was someone with the most supportive parents on the planet, a loving boyfriend, great friends… he had the perfect life.
I didn't have any of that. I was just some new kid who had made exactly one friend since moving here and had done a pretty good job insulting that friend. I'd humiliated myself in front of the whole school. I had parents who would probably hate if I was into guys. I was sure they'd eventually be okay with it because I knew how much they loved me, but they'd have to put in a substantial amount of work to get there.
I thought about reaching out to Simon, but what could I possibly say that wouldn't seem as hostile and angry as I felt right now? And what could Simon possibly say? He was living the perfect life, and I didn't want to throw my messy one into the mix. Besides, it seemed like Simon's Creekwood was different from my Creekwood. Had Simon's post somehow prompted temporary change at Creekwood that had worn off once he graduated?
I sat up as an impossible thought occurred to me. Simon might not know what it was like to go to Creekwood right now, but there was someone who did. It took me less than a minute to find Benji on Instagram. He had exactly two posts, both of them nearly two years old.
One of them was with a brown-haired girl and had the caption, "this one made me make an Instagram." I couldn't tell if the girl was a sister or cousin. I didn't remember seeing her around school today, but it was possible.
The second was a shirtless picture of him that made my brain feel a little foggy. He'd captioned it, "is this how Instagram works?"
I nearly gave myself a heart attack when I thought I unintentionally liked one (the shirtless selfie, of course) - I didn't; thank God. While he'd only posted twice, he'd been tagged in nearly a thousand pictures and videos, and I lost so much time scrolling through all of it. I tried to get an idea of who Benji really was.
Most of the posts he'd been tagged in were generic or indecipherable. There was one that was just a picture of a meatball and the only caption was the blushing face emoji. I couldn't begin to figure out what that one was about.
More than half seemed to be of him with that same group of people, but those ones never had captions. There were two posts that gave me some actual information. Both were created by the same girl he'd credited with his Instagram. For a few minutes, I tried to figure out who she was, but beyond knowing that she was one of Benji's best friends, I wasn't able to find much. I couldn't even find proof of whether or not she went to Creekwood, and I made a mental note to be a little more attentive to who I passed in the halls tomorrow.
I clicked on her birthday post to Benji because it was the most recent thing she'd tagged him in. She'd chosen a picture of her and Benji making ridiculous faces. It shouldn't have surprised me at this point, but Benji somehow managed to look photogenic even while he was contorting his face and sticking out his tongue.
I read through her post at least fifty times. She'd written about how proud she was of him, how much he'd changed and grown into himself, how he was one of the most incredible people in her life. I hung onto every word she wrote because it was so real. She'd acknowledged that him coming out had been one of the hardest and bravest things he'd ever done; she'd talked about the "darkest days" of his life as he was figuring out who he was; she showed her pride that he'd walked away from all the lies he'd been telling himself to embrace who he really was. It was all in that post. The good, the bad, the messy. She didn't go into too much detail, but just knowing that it was there instantly made me feel like maybe Benji would hear me. He couldn't possibly judge me for questioning. Not when, according to that post, he'd done a lot of questioning himself.
I actually typed a whole message to Benji, but my finger hovered over the send button a minute before I deleted the whole thing. I let my phone fall onto my chest.
I wasn't ready. If I pressed send, then someone would know I was questioning. I'd have to see Benji around school and know that a complete stranger held my biggest secret. He'd see me and know the truth that no one else knew. If I pressed send, there was no going back, and I wasn't ready to do something I couldn't take back. Not with something this important.
I growled into my pillow and wished I was braver.
At some point, I drifted off and succumbed to a montage of nightmares. It was like everything from my day had manifested into brand new worst-case scenarios that I never would have known to be afraid of.
I watched myself break Mia's heart a hundred different ways. I watched myself get rejected by Benji a hundred different times. I watched myself throw my family into chaos over and over again. I got booed and rejected by my classmates. I heard a medley of "gays" being whispered around me as I walked through the hallway at school. Sometimes, it even felt like the floors and lockers were whispering the word as if they knew I'd never be able to escape it.
I woke up to my heart pounding and rubbed the sleep from my eyes; that did nothing to rub away the agitation that clung to me.
I hoped the carnival would be a distraction, but we were there less than five minutes before Felix nudged me. "Look. Mia's here. She's with Lake."
"Yeah, I see that." I knew it hadn't been real, but all I could see was the Mia with the tear-streaked face from my nightmare.
"You should ask her to chill with us."
I tried not to look panicked. "You think?"
"Absolutely! Nothing is ever going to happen between the two of you if you don't try," he pointed out.
I didn't know how to tell him that I wasn't sure if I wanted something to happen with us. Talking to Mia this morning had been so easy; I almost forgot to feel self-conscious. I didn't have to think about how I was questioning, and it made me wonder if I was wrong. Maybe it didn't mean anything that I'd never been attracted to a girl; maybe I just hadn't met the right girl until now. I didn't think the carnival was the right place to figure it out.
"No. I said that I'd come here with you," I told him. "This is my apology hang, so what do you want to do?"
"I want you to go talk to Mia. I'm not going to be the one to stand in the way of true love. Go. Woo her with your natural charm and, I dunno, name one of your kids after me and tell them how cool Uncle Felix was when you were falling in love."
I stared at him. "What?"
"We can worry about the details later," he said dismissively. I couldn't help the small laugh that escaped me. He was pretty weird, but I kind of liked it. "And, hey. I could go with you. I kind of have a thing for her best friend."
"Oh, I see. So, you're using me." Honestly, it did make me feel better about the whole thing to know that Felix would be getting something out of it and it wasn't just because he thought Mia and I were supposed to be together. His eyes got wide, and I felt my lips twitching into a genuine smile. "I'm just messing with you, man. Come on."
Despite what Felix thought, I had exactly zero experience with trying to flirt with a girl. It had never come naturally to me. Mostly because, the girls I knew in Texas, I'd known my whole life, and I never saw them as anything more than the girls I'd grown up with. The most success I'd had with flirting was when I hadn't realized that I was flirting in the first place; I still wasn't totally convinced that I had been flirting in the first place.
This was going to be a disaster. "Uh, hi," I said when I got to her and tapped on her shoulder. She jumped. "Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you."
"Then maybe you shouldn't have creeped up on me," she suggested. Her teasing smile cut the edge from her words.
"Maybe not," I agreed. I put my hands in my pockets to try to warm them up. "There's a lot to do here." I closed my eyes for a moment. Why was that the first thing I thought of?
"Yeah. Shady Creek goes all out for the carnival."
"Do you come every year?" I asked curiously.
"Almost every Creekwood student does. A lot of teachers give extra credit if we come. I'm surprised none of yours mentioned it today."
"They might have. I'm already trying to play catch-up on the stuff I've missed, so I was a little distracted. Do they give extra credit for just showing up?"
"Most do. My French teacher wants us to write a paragraph about the carnival to get the credit."
"You take French."
"Oui," she said with a grin. "My dad and I are planning to go to Paris after I graduate, so I'm trying to soak up as much as I can before that."
"That's pretty cool. In Texas, I took Spanish because it was an easy A and… that really doesn't make me look good, does it?" Mia shook her head. A small smile settled on her face, and it made me feel a little more comfortable with her. "Okay. On that note, what's good around here?" I peered around, but there were so many kiosks; I wouldn't know where to start.
"Have you tried the apple cider yet? It's a Shady Creek specialty."
"I have not." Felix had been raving about it too. "Would you, uh, wanna go get some?"
She looked surprised. "Yeah. Okay." She turned to Lake. "Do you want some?" Lake gave Mia a really weird look that made Mia roll her eyes.
I followed Mia as she led the way to the cider. "How was the rest of your first day of school?"
"You know. It was the first day." I shrugged.
"First days are notoriously fun. Especially when you're new," she agreed as she nodded solemnly.
"It's right up there with papercuts," I agreed. Mia laughed which made me feel about 1000% better. "Nah, it really could have been worse. I was just… overwhelmed."
"That makes sense." She was quiet for a moment. "I'm really sorry about Andrew. He can be an ass if he thinks it'll get him the laugh. This is probably hard to believe, but he used to be a really great guy. Our dads are friends, and we used to hang out when they threw their awful work parties. I used to have so much fun with him."
"What changed?" I asked curiously.
"We both did. I was going through some stuff with my parents and… he had his own stuff too. I can't say much more than that. I may not like who he is now, but he deserves his privacy."
"I get that."
"His stuff doesn't excuse what he did, though. It was really immature."
"Yeah." I really didn't want to talk about school today or how I was going to have to go back tomorrow. At least then it would be the weekend, and I'd get a break. "It's fine. Really. It was just a lot. Everything is so different here."
"Compared to Texas?" she asked curiously.
"Texas is like… its own world. At least, where I'm from is. The cities in Texas are different, but I grew up with the same group of kids, and I went to church with most of them. Our parents would hang out all the time. Growing up in a small town has its problems, but I can't describe what it's like to just know almost everybody. I knew exactly how to act around them. I've never been the new kid before."
"Is it not everything you thought it would be and more?" she teased.
"No. it's definitely not what I thought it would be." I laughed and put my hands back in my pocket.
"Do you miss Texas?"
I frowned. "Yes and no. I think I miss knowing where I fit in more than I actually miss Texas. I hated being who everyone expected me to be, but I liked knowing what to expect. I was basketball Victor in Texas, and he had his people and his thing and knew how to act. There were no surprises," I admitted.
"I get that," she whispered.
I kind of wanted to ask how she understood because, from what I'd seen, she was well-liked and more put together than just about anyone else in the school. I didn't know how to ask, and then it was too late because we were at the infamous apple cider kiosk.
I ordered one for Felix because he'd seemed so excited for it earlier, and when I gave it to him, his eyes got big as if I'd bought him the grandest gift he'd ever received. Spending time with Mia, Lake, and Felix was actually really nice. For a few minutes, I could pretend that everything was totally normal, and I was hopeful that maybe I could make this work. If things with Mia were this easy, maybe they'd be this easy if we were dating.
I kept looking at the Ferris Wheel. I wasn't sure if it was the same one Simon had ridden or if that one was collecting dust in storage somewhere.
It didn't matter. It was the symbol more than anything else. This was where it had happened. Where Simon made his declaration of love and met his boyfriend; according to Ms. Albright, with the same boyfriend who was in almost every picture Simon had posted to Instagram. In the pictures, they looked really happy together. I tried to picture them on the Ferris Wheel with the whole school cheering, but I couldn't see it. I couldn't see the kids I'd met today standing around and cheering for him or for me, for that matter.
I'd convinced myself that it didn't make a difference; that if I could make it work with Mia, there would be nothing for anyone to react to. Then I saw him. Benji.
He was with a group of people I didn't recognize, but the very sight of him brought everything from my messed-up day back to the front of my mind. I tried to pay attention to the conversation Mia and Lake were having, but it was like my brain couldn't not focus on Benji.
Why Benji? Was it just because Felix told me he was gay? Was that why he was in my head and was refusing to leave?
Except, I'd felt like this from the moment I saw Benji in the hallway before Felix had even told me about him. I couldn't explain why I felt so drawn to him. I thought back to the Instagram message to him that I'd never sent. Maybe I felt drawn to him because he was someone that could help me figure out all of my stuff. Maybe I should have just pressed send on that message.
I could always make a fake Instagram, but he'd probably think I was an internet troll. Creekwood was big, but it wasn't big enough that he wouldn't be able to confirm whether whatever name I chose was the name of a student there.
Was there any other way to contact him? Maybe I could put a note in his locker. Except, anyone could see me doing that and what if they mentioned it to him? I didn't hate the idea of Benji knowing this thing about me, but I didn't want him to know it was me.
I kept going back and forth about what I wanted to do, and I never fully figured it out beyond deciding to write him a note just to get everything in my head out. I doubted I'd ever deliver it because how was that supposed to happen?
"We should probably head out," Mia said quietly. Thank God! I'd been doing my best to pay attention to them, but my mind kept drifting back to Benji.
"Did you walk here? We could walk you home," I offered.
"Yes. Yes, she did walk here," Lake said quickly.
"Actually, I drove here." Mia elbowed Lake and rolled her eyes in my direction.
"Oh. You have your license."
She nodded. "I turned sixteen in December."
"Lucky," I muttered.
She chuckled. "I'm guessing you don't have yours yet."
"Nah, not yet. I turn sixteen in March. I don't know if I'll even be able to get it right away though. We still have to figure out if my permit will transfer over."
"Ooh, a younger guy." Lake noticeably winked at Mia. Maybe Lake and Felix would be good together because neither of them were subtle, and they were both kinda weird in a good way.
Mia and I stared at her. "Um… right. We can walk you to your car? Make sure you get there safely."
Mia smiled and ducked her head. "Thanks. That would be nice."
"Actually, Mia. I think I wanna stick around for a bit. I can call my mom to get me later. Maybe you can give Victor a ride home?" Lake suggested.
"You don't need to do that. Felix and I can walk."
Lake looked like she'd forgotten all about Felix. Thankfully, he chose that moment to drop the remainder of his apple cider, so he didn't seem to notice. When Felix had said he was into Lake, it hadn't prepared me for how much he clearly intensely liked her and how much that affected how he acted around her. She put her hand on his arm, and he looked like Christmas came early. "How would you like to buy me a churro?"
Felix jumped on it. "Yeah. Totally." Lake had to know how much he liked her; she had to. To me, he said, "I'll see you in the morning before school." He mouthed something, but I couldn't make out what it was.
Lake grabbed his wrist and dragged him off. "I'm sorry about her. She means well," Mia said. She stuck her hands in her pockets.
I chuckled. "She and Felix both. They're going to keep us on our toes. You would've thought they coordinated their attack."
Mia snickered. "Felix probably wishes." Then she froze. "I'm so sorry. That was mean."
"A little," I agreed. "He's a great guy, and he really, really likes Lake. Is there any chance…"
"I want to say yes because I know that's what you want to hear, but I don't think so. Lake has the worst taste in guys, so it would be a miracle if she went for someone as nice as him."
I frowned. That did not bode well for Felix. "You really don't have to give me a ride. I can walk."
"It's cold. No one should have to walk in this. Besides, I don't mind. I'm parked this way."
"Thanks." I followed her to her car.
"Which apartment do you live in?" she asked as she backed out of her spot.
"Cherry Lane. Do you know where it is?" I really hoped she did because I knew how to walk back there, but part of our walk had been to cut through a park, and I was pretty sure she couldn't replicate that route with a car.
"Yeah. What did you think of your first Winter Carnival?"
"I had fun. You were right. The apple cider was great." It was kind of like regular apple cider, but they'd all been raving about it, so it felt like a small lie.
"I'm sorry you had to spend the whole night with us. You didn't get to go on any of the rides."
I coughed. "I'm okay with that. I'm not the biggest fan of -" I paused because telling her I was scared of heights seemed kinda childish, so I closed with, "roller coasters."
I was looking forward, but I could see her glance at me out of the corner of her eyes. "Are you scared of them?"
"No. I just don't like how they, you know, jerk you around and put you upside down and go really high up." My voice cracked just thinking about how high they went. I hated that I was scared of heights. I would have given anything not to be afraid of them.
I was wary around roller coasters, but they didn't freak me out as much as heights did. I just didn't see the appeal. I thought it was because I didn't have much opportunity to go to amusement parks when I was little. We went on one family trip every year, and it had always been to visit our abuelo in California for a week, so by the time I had a chance to ride a roller coaster, I was old enough to know why that was a terrible idea. Most of my friends had been going on rides pretty much their whole lives, but the first time I went on one was on our sixth-grade field trip. All of a sudden, I was put on a metal death trap. One was enough for a lifetime; I chose to watch the bags after that. It worked for me.
She giggled. "Wow. I did not see that coming."
That wiped the smile off my face. "Yeah, sorry. I know it doesn't make sense. It's not actually the roller coaster itself. I have a thing about heights. Even seeing people up high freaks me out. I just keep waiting for them to fall." I shrugged. "It's pretty lame."
"No, it's not. It's just interesting to think that the guy who tried to fight Andrew today is scared of heights," she teased. "What else are you scared of?"
"You first."
"Spiders," she answered immediately. She made a face and shuddered. "Spiders and snakes."
I couldn't help my laugh. "And you made fun of me for heights. Spiders? Really?"
"They're freaky! Too many legs, and why do the cartoon ones always have those giant beady eyes? I know it's supposed to make them look cute or whatever, but imagine seeing one with eyes like that in front of you. And not being able to see their eyes is almost as bad as those creepy cartoon eyes. And you turn around for one second, and they're gone! Now you don't know where they are! They could be anywhere. She's probably in the wall making thousands of creepy spider babies with her gross spider husband."
"Wait. You're willing to create a whole family and life for these spiders, and you still want them dead?"
She didn't hesitate. "Yes. All of them. Even the babies." She looked thoughtful for a second. "Especially the babies."
"You know, most people wouldn't talk about murdering babies like that." I couldn't wipe the smile off my face or stop the laughs that spilled out of me. This moment was so silly and perfect and easy.
"Spider babies, Victor. It's different."
"Spiders are actually really good."
"Are you the president of the spiders' fan club or something?"
"No. I just think they get a bad rep when they're really good for the environment because they eat the bad bugs. And without spiders, we wouldn't have Spiderman which would be a shame. They won't bug you if you don't bug them."
"Them being in the same room as me bugs me," Mia muttered.
I chuckled. "My mom is scared of spiders too. She used to get so mad at me because if she called me to take care of a spider, I'd just pick it up in my hands and walk it out of our apartment. She used to tell me if I didn't kill them, they'd just come back to our home and they'd bring their friends." I shook my head. Mia and my mom would probably get along really well.
Mia made a sound of disgust. "I can't believe you touch them."
"What are they gonna do? Spin a web between my hands?"
"What if it was a black widow?" she challenged.
"Then I wouldn't pick it up," I told her. "I've never actually seen a black widow. We did have some poisonous spiders. One bit me once and it was the most painful bite I've ever gotten. It throbbed for weeks, but it was my own fault."
"For picking it up," she agreed.
"Nah. I knew it wasn't one of our normal spiders. There was one I knew to look for because we got them a few times, but I didn't recognize this one. I should have just caught it in something to be safe, but I was pretty cocky. I thought it was funny that holding spiders freaked out so many people." I stared off into the distance. The thing had been in one of the cabins on a church camping trip, and I hadn't actually thought it was funny, but enough people had that I'd gone with it. One of the girls in the cabin had even offered me a cup to catch it in since I'd intervened on their attempts to murder it, but I'd turned it down simply because one of my friends had said, "only wusses need cups". I'd risen to that bait before it was fully out of his mouth. I'd instantly regretted it, but I'd had to pretend to wear that spider bite like a war wound. For like a day, I was convinced I was going to become the next Spiderman. That hope faded long before the pain did.
"Ugh," she grumbled.
I grinned. "Just wait. The next time you need to be rescued from a spider, you're gonna appreciate that I jump into action."
She returned my smile and met my eye for a second before she looked back at the road. "My own personal spider wrangler. I like it." She pulled up to the curb outside of my apartment. "You didn't tell me what else you're afraid of."
I got out of the car and leaned in the window. "I guess you're just gonna have to wait and find out. Thanks for the ride. Good night, Mia."
"Night."
I felt like I was living on a cloud as I climbed the stairs to my apartment. I wasn't sure if it was because of my nap earlier or from the adrenaline of the carnival, but I couldn't fall asleep.
After tossing and turning for nearly an hour, my question from earlier resurfaced and suddenly, it was all I could think about. Should I write to Benji? If I wrote to him, what would I say? Did I actually want to find a way to get it to him? Was I ready to tell someone that I might be…
Nope. Definitely not ready to say the word. So, what did I want to tell him? Would he even write back to me if I wrote him an anonymous note?
I didn't have the answer to those questions, but I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't do something. This felt like my only option. If I had a chance of anyone understanding what it was like to walk through the halls of Creekwood high school filled with this confusion, I needed to write to Benji. He understood what it was like to come out to these particular classmates. Maybe he'd even have some insight into whether it was normal to feel this way or if I'd been working myself up over nothing. Maybe I was feeling the same way all straight people felt. Maybe if I wasn't straight, it wouldn't be a question and part of me would just know.
Did I know though? Was I just repressing a part of me? It didn't feel like that, but what if I was also repressing the part of me that could tell if I was repressing something?
I groaned into my pillow. Why was this so complicated?
I threw back my covers and took a seat at my desk. I rifled through one of the boxes I had yet to unpack until I found a notebook and pulled out a piece of paper from the back. For a moment, I occupied myself by slowly and painstakingly pulling off the ruffled edge.
I didn't know what my goal was, but I found myself writing. The words seemed to come from deep within me. They appeared on the page before I ever made a choice about how to string them together.
Dear B,
You don't know me, but I go to Creekwood High School. I hope it's okay that I'm writing to you. I had a really bad day, and I feel like… like I can't do this on my own anymore. I need to feel like there's someone else that knows what this feels like.
The thing is… I might be like you. Maybe. I might be into guys, I mean. I'm still trying to figure out that department. It's the first time I've ever said that to another person before. I guess on a technicality, I didn't actually say it because I wrote it.
Sorry. I'm nervous. I'm not the kind of person that does stuff like this. Writes notes or talks about how I'm feeling. I don't think I'm good at it. I've gotten through life by repressing my emotions and now, I feel like I have no idea how to figure out who I am. And I need to figure out who I am. I can't keep going in this maybe-I-am-maybe-I'm-not place.
For the last few years, I've been trying to figure out if I might like guys, but I have no idea how I'm supposed to do that. It's like… I think I might like guys. I feel more thinking about being with a guy than I do about being with a girl, but it doesn't feel right. I don't know if it doesn't feel right because I'm not like that or because I know that the people in my life wouldn't want me to be like that. Does that even make sense?
It's especially complicated because I met this amazing girl. I've never felt anything like this before and… I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong about myself. Maybe the confusing dreams and feelings I've had don't mean that I'm not into girls. Maybe I just needed to meet the right girl.
I've felt different for such a long time, and I'm trying to figure out what that means for me. For a long time, when I pictured my future… I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell if that future would involve a guy or a girl. I've never kissed a guy before. My only kiss was with a girl during a game of Truth or Dare when we snuck into the church basement during a lock-in in the sixth grade. Can I even know for sure what I am if all it's ever been is a thought in the back of my head?
I don't know why I'm telling you all of this. I guess I've been thinking a lot about Simon Spier - do you remember him? I keep thinking about how he had someone to talk to about all this stuff. Don't worry, I'm not trying to come onto you or anything. I don't even know if you have a boyfriend. I've never known someone who is out before. At least not someone in person. Not that you know me. We've barely talked. That might be why this feels safe. I figure you're the only one who has a chance in hell of understanding me.
I don't have anyone that I can talk to about this stuff. My parents are really religious - I really worry about that. Whether they'll be able to handle it if I am into guys. I don't think they'd know what to do with themselves if I tried to talk to them about this. My dad would probably think I'm joking, and my mom would start praying. It's hard to say which would be worse.
I can't talk to my friends about this. I'm not close enough with anyone to be okay with telling them about this, and even if I was… I'm not sure they would understand. They've already made comments about it around me, and it makes me feel like it's a joke to most people.
I guess I'm kind of hoping that maybe I can talk to you. Did you ever go through something like this when you were still figuring things out?
I'm not trying to make assumptions about how coming out went for you. Or maybe you've always known; in which case, good for you. I don't know your story. It could have been smooth as butter.
I don't usually say things like smooth as butter. I'm just scared shitless right now, and really… why? You don't know me. I'm going to sign this anonymously - I know that's probably a double standard, but I'm not ready for anyone to know this. Not even someone who's as out as you are. I think it's nerve-wracking just to think about putting this out into the world. Not that you're the world.
Alright. I think I've embarrassed myself enough for now. I don't expect you to write back. Honestly, you probably think I'm totally insane, but I needed to try, you know?
I frowned as I looked at my completed letter. It felt incredibly personal even though I'd been as vague as I possibly could have been. There was nothing in here that would give him any indication of who I was. I thought about my signature. How should I sign this? Should I sign it V? Was that too obvious? I thought back to everyone I met today. Not a singly person with a first name that started with V was standing out to me, not even one of the girls. Mr. Valentine taught my Biology class, but I didn't think he counted.
I decided to go with Anon. It seemed like the safest option.
I carefully folded the note and tucked it securely in the bottom of my bag. I knew he'd never see it; how was I even supposed to get it to him? Even if he got it, what were the odds that we could figure out a way for him to get his response back to me? Still, I almost felt like a pressure was lifted off my chest just from writing it all out.
The next morning, Felix insisted on stopping at a local coffee shop, Brasstown, before school. It actually worked out because I saw the "help wanted" sign, and it seemed like the answer to all of my problems… well, almost all of them… well, the basketball problem.
I had no idea what to do about my other problems, and a new one popped up before we even got to school. Someone, I was pretty sure Lake, had taken to creeksecrets about my "chivalrous offer". I didn't think it was particularly chivalrous to accept a ride from Mia; if anything, she'd been chivalrous, but everyone seemed to think it meant something. The guys in the locker room seemed to think that we'd hooked up in the back of her car, and I hated that I didn't hate that they thought that. It felt safe.
It also felt confusing. I had a great time with Mia last night, and I'd liked getting to know her, but everyone suddenly throwing it in my face made it feel so wrong. I hadn't anticipated that I'd essentially become popular overnight. I liked it and hated it and was so confused by it. It didn't help that Felix was going on about how Mia and I were soul mates. He pretty much had our whole future planned out, and the idea made me nervous, but in a good and a bad way. I didn't think I'd hate dating Mia, but I couldn't figure out if I'd want to date her if it hadn't been presented to me as an option. EVERYONE thought it was an option. Some girl I didn't even know told me she'd sensed that Mia and I were meant to be. I wondered if she'd be as certain about that if she knew about the confusion that had been my constant companion for years. Somehow, that confusion had grown to an overwhelming capacity over the last twenty-four hours.
Mia found me during lunch. She mostly wanted to make sure I was okay. I was still pretty sure Lake was behind that post, but it was nice to know that Mia didn't seem to have anything to do with it. Lake inserted herself into our conversation to invite me and Felix to a stoplight party. I felt like I couldn't say no because Felix was practically holding his breath while he waited for my answer, and I thought that Mia maybe wanted me to be there too.
Once Felix explained exactly what a stoplight party was, I was kind of dreading it. Should I wear green or yellow? Why wouldn't I want to wear yellow? Part of me just wanted to admit that I didn't know what I wanted but I was so far from being ready to admit that out loud.
After school, I stopped at Brasstown to turn in my application and, hopefully, interview for the open position. "Excuse me," I called.
When Benji turned around, I couldn't figure out if it was a blessing or a curse.
"Oh, hey man," he said. I couldn't help but stare. Of course, he worked at Brasstown. Because him not working at Brasstown would be one less complication in my life, and we wouldn't want that. "It's… Benji? From school?"
"Oh, yeah. Right." I was grateful he'd assumed I hadn't remembered him. If there was a perk of being the new kid, I just discovered it. "I was here to apply for the barista position, but I can come back later."
He grabbed the application from my hands. "Lucky for you, I'm the assistant manager."
"Of course, you are," I muttered.
"Huh?"
"Nothing," I said quickly. Someone somewhere was definitely laughing at me.
"Come on back. We'll get you started for the interview."
I stepped behind the counter and, while he looked at my application, I slipped the note out of my bag. I held it in my hand in what I hoped was an inconspicuous way. I looked around, hoping to find a message board or something accessible to everyone, but I didn't see anything that would work. I had to figure out something because this almost felt like a sign. It was a really messed up sign, especially considering that I'd accepted he would never get the note. There had to be a reason that we were both here at this exact moment and that reason had to be so I could give him this note. At the moment, nothing else seemed as certain to me as that.
"So, Victor, you have any experience making coffee?" he asked as I was looking around.
"Um, I have experience drinking coffee." I nervously chuckled.
I felt 10,000 times better when he laughed too. "Well, it's not rocket science. You know, once you can pull a shot of espresso, you can basically make any drink. Here. Watch."
I retained absolutely nothing that he said next. I watched him make the coffee but couldn't replicate it or explain the steps if my life depended on it. It was like tunnel vision, but it affected my ears as well. How was I supposed to focus on coffee when he looked like that? It wasn't fair. He asked me a question and I "um-hmmed" him. It must've been the right answer to his question because he didn't say anything else. For a split second, I could see it. I could see Benji and I together. I could see him running his fingers through his hair before he said something flirty. I could see him smiling like that before he kissed me. It hit me like a ton of bricks, but as soon as it came, it went. It wasn't possible.
Aside from the fact that the odds of him liking me were, like, nonexistent, I had to think about Mia. I didn't know if there would ever be anything between us, but I had a feeling that I was going to find out tonight.
He was holding up the milk and was saying something about it being steamy. That in itself was making my heart speed up. He had to know what he was doing, right? "Now you try. Here." I tried not to look alarmed. I quickly put down the note and grabbed the frothing pitcher. He didn't let go and I was trying very hard not to think about how close our hands were. I focused on the milk until he said, "there you go. You're a natural." Then, I made the mistake of looking at him and that image of us was back in my head. I was aware of how close we were standing and how tempting the smile on his face looked. The moment was almost immediately ruined when milk splattered all over us.
"I'm so sorry!"
"It's fine." He started to pat me with a towel. It was too much.
"You know what? This… this was a bad idea. I'm sorry to waste your time," I said quickly before I grabbed my bag and ran. I was almost home when a feeling of dread seeped into me.
I didn't grab it. The note. It was still sitting on the counter at Brasstown.
I couldn't remember if Benji saw me put it down or if I'd placed it in an inconspicuous location or if I'd unintentionally just told Benji my biggest secret. I was tempted to go back; I figured I could claim it was an essay for school, but after that disaster, I didn't think I could ever look Benji in the eye again. Especially not if he read that note and knew I was the one who wrote it. We needed to move again, right? That was the only solution.
I was almost grateful for the stoplight party. I desperately needed a distraction, and right now, Mia was the most welcome distraction in the world. Felix's words came back to me as I climbed the steps to my apartment. I mean, you like her, right? Why wouldn't you?
It was a loaded question, and I wasn't ready to answer it. When I went to my bedroom, I pulled a yellow t-shirt and green t-shirt out of my dresser. I held one in each hand and stared at them as if the answer would pop out of the fabric. If I wore the yellow one, who was I wearing it for? I didn't know, and it only increased how unsettled I was by this decision. I fell back against my bed.
I threw the yellow shirt across my room and let out a frustrated growl. Maybe I should tell Felix I was sick. Except, he was really looking forward to this party, and I didn't want to leave him hanging. I looked at the green shirt. It would be so easy. No one would ask me any questions; I wouldn't even have to ask myself any questions.
I also knew it would be a lie. I didn't know if I liked Mia, and I definitely didn't understand what the hell Benji was doing to my head, but I knew the green shirt felt wrong.
I retrieved my yellow one and quickly pulled it on. I glanced at myself in the mirror. It didn't hold any of my answers either. Here goes nothing.