Chapter 32-35 of Nobody Sees Me Wishing

I didn't plan it.

And it wasn't as if I was even thinking about it.

It just happened. She was sitting right there – right across from me, leaning forward ever so slightly, and her words -

Her words.

They were perfect, just a bit hesitant and confused but I thought it knew what she was saying. And for one stupid split second, I thought I had a chance.

So, I leaned forward and, not even bothering to think about her reaction, I did the stupidest thing I could have even done.

I kissed her.

Or tried to. I barely got to feel her lips on mine (soft and perfect and I'm going to kill myself) before she pushed herself away and fell backward because of Madame Pince's shouting.

It just kept replaying and replaying.

The way she was staring at me, her eyes hesitant and barely able to keep contact with mine. The way her eyelashes kept fluttering as she looked down at the table and her shaking hands. The way her hair fell over her shoulders as she tried to hide behind it. And her lip between her teeth.

That's what it was.

It was that one moment when she bit down on her lip and I noticed. And then I could even stop thinking about her lips and then I just wanted to kiss her.

And she was looking at me with locked eyes, never wavering, so I thought it was okay. She didn't pull back at first. She just stared at me, and I swear she parted her lips and I swear she was giving me permission. I got to feel her for that wonderful second, and it was so perfect and I thought that everything would end with sunshine and rainbows (for that split second).

But then Madame Pince had to shout at us, and she had to pull away and then there was that look of fear on her face.

Fear.

I kissed her and she was afraid. She had to scramble away as fast as she could to get away from me because I had decided to ruin everything.

And I was never going to get her back.

God, I was an idiot.

-x-

It took me an hour, sitting outside the closed library to finally get the strength to make it back up to the common room. I didn't want to go up all those steps and staircases. I wanted to apparate straight to my bed.

Slowly, I pushed myself up the wall and slowly made my way up the nearest staircase. As I continued walking, I let the previous situation replay over and over again. And, as it continued, I got more and more frantic.

I had ruined everything.

She was gone.

I wasn't even going to be able to be her friend.

By the time I entered the common room, my heart was beating loudly and erratically and I couldn't even breathe. I expected her to be right in front of me, ready to yell and scream at me for being such a stupid boy to take advantage of her.

But instead, I saw James, Sirius and Peter watching me.

With a sigh, I made my way over and stopped in front of them. What was I supposed to say to them? Was I just supposed to tell them what happened or - ?

"Spit it out, Moony," Sirius exclaimed, looking too amused at my ordeal.

Amused by my pain. I blinked and then sighed loudly as I turned away, wanting to get away from everyone. As I disappeared up the staircase, I could hear their loud footsteps behind me.

But I didn't even want to deal anymore.

How could I -

She was -

I didn't even know -

"Mooooooooonyyyyy," I heard James behind me.

"I can't believe – she must hate me -" I said out loud.

"What are you talking about?" James kept prying.

I had to tell them sooner or later. They would find out. But did I want to be teased now or later? I didn't even know. Grimacing, I finally replied, "I...did something...awful."

"Your definition of awful is extremely different than ours," Sirius began to say, like he knew everything that was happening to me.

He didn't know a thing.

He didn't know what I did.

He didn't know how I ruined everything.

"I kissed her, okay!"

I shut my eyes, not even wanting to see their reaction. I could hear the scrambling, the shocked gasps, but I didn't want to see it.

"I know..." I began to explain. "I just...kissed her and Madame Pince interrupted us and then Ivy started crying and ran away-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa..." James shouted, interrupting me. "She cried because you kissed her?"

Oh god, it was even worse the second time around. I groaned loudly and looked to my left, seeing the nearest hard object. A bed post. Maybe if I just hit my head enough time, this would all go away.

No, it didn't work.

"You must be an awful kisser, Moony," James exclaimed suddenly.

"And she ran away? How do you manage that?" Sirius added, laughing at my demise.

Even Peter said, "Really? She really ran away from you?"

I was the worst person ever. Ever. Looking up, I exclaimed, "I hate myself."

"Aw, Moony, don't say that..." James immediately tried to console me (it wasn't going to work). "It's not as if you forced yourself on her."

Pillows – they could suffocate! I grabbed my pillow and placed it over my face, but I could still breathe. "I thought she fancied me. I thought she wanted me to..." I was out of words. Leaving the pillow on my head, I took in a deep breath.

"Girls are a tricky sort," Sirius said. "And Ivy, well, she's...quite different."

Yeah, right, like he cared about her. He hated her. He thought she was annoying. And she had done nothing to deserve that. "How do you know about her? You hate her," I told him, refusing to move the pillow.

"I don't hate her," Sirius tried to explain. "She's just...different."

And I couldn't even move.

I didn't care anymore.

I had lost everything. Nothing mattered. No more.

-x-

"Ivy!"

The next day, when I saw her coming down the staircase, I couldn't help but shout her name in hope that she would stop and try to talk to me.

But she kept walking, staring ahead without even a glance at me.

Turning around in front of her, I stopped her escape out of the common room. "I am so sorry." I had stayed awake all last night, trying to think of elaborate things to tell her and instead, I had started babbling apologies.

I was pathetic.

But I needed her back. I was stupid for a moment; she had to see that.

Instead, she just stared at me for a long second and then stepped around me, continuing out of the portrait hole.

Choking in a breath, I watched her go. What could I say? Nothing.

It didn't stop me from trying.

"Ivy..." This time it was on the way to Transfiguation in the corridors. I gave myself all of breakfast trying to think of what to say. When I had come with nothing, I decided to just tell her the truth. Maybe she would understand. Maybe she would forget what had happened.

She barely glanced at me.

"I thought-" I immediately started rambling. "I thought you were-" But she was walking away too quickly for me to see her expression anymore. "Would you please stop for a second so I can talk to you?"

With a loud sigh, she finally turned to look at me. There was an exasperation in her eyes that made me cringe. "I have to get to class, Remus."

And then she was gone again.

-x-

Class – there was no class.

At least, I don't remember any of it. I remember sitting there, hearing a faded voice lecture in the background. And I remember staring at McGonagall. But nothing was making sense.

She was never going to talk to me again. How was she ever going to trust me again? I had done nothing to earn her trust. There was nothing I could do-

Slowly sitting back in my chair, I let out a slow breath. I could tell her. She would trust me – she would know my deepest secret. She was smart too; she would never take it in the wrong way. She would be like James and Sirius and Peter.

I could trust her and all I needed was for her to trust me.

I planned it out – on parchment and in elaborate steps, figuring out exactly what I was going to say. I would invite her to a remote place in the castle – the Astronomy Tower sounded like a good place. I would go into it slowly, reassuring her that there was nothing to be worried about. She would be shocked at first, but she would accept me.

And we could be friends again.

The next time I saw her, she was walking briskly down the corridor, staring straight ahead so she wouldn't be interrupted.

I started quickly sprinting over to her. "I...vy..."

Surprisingly, she wheeled around to face me without hesitation. "Yes?"

I winced at the anger in her voice. "Can you just hear me out? Please?"

"Fine," she agreed.

A 'fine.' She was finally going to listen to me. I let out a sigh of relief and said, "Yesterday, I thought you were going to tell me you fancied me."

By the shocked look on her face, I knew that's not what she expected. "What?"

"And I was wrong," I quickly went on to explain. "I know that now. I thought you wanted me to kiss you. I didn't know that...well, that wasn't what you wanted. I'm sorry. It never happened. I take it back."

"You want to be friends?" Ivy asked slowly, as if she was unsure of what I was saying.

If that's all I could be, that's what I wanted. "Yes," I answered. "I want to be your friend, Ivy. If you want me to be your friend, then that's what I want too."

She stared at me for the longest time and I couldn't tell what she was thinking. Was this a yes? Was she thinking about saying no? I still needed to gain her trust.

"You don't have to say anything here," I added. "Can you meet me at the Astronomy Tower at eight? I have something else to tell you."

And when she continued staring at me, I just nodded. It was good enough for me.

-x-

"I want to tell Ivy my secret."

They didn't take it as well as I hoped. Their mouths dropped open and I could practically hear their thoughts. I didn't comment on it though and instead, hoped they would have reassuring words.

"What secret?" Sirius asked slowly.

What other secret did I have? I didn't have time to answer before Peter said, "Remus, are you sure?"

Of course I was sure. I had no other choice. And I trusted her. "I have to tell her."

"No, you don't," Sirius immediately said.

But he didn't even care about Ivy. He wouldn't care if I got her back or not. He didn't care about her the way I did. "Why do you even care?"

"Because I can," he answered shortly.

I sighed. "I know you're trying to help, but I want to tell her. And it's my decision. I told you three and nothing disastrous came from that."

Sirius opened his mouth to say something in response but I didn't want to hear it. Instead, I made my way out of the door and down the staircase. Ivy was waiting anyway.

Why didn't they understand? No one understood – it wasn't their secret to tell. I could tell anyone I wanted.

I took the steps two at a time, trying to get my mind off of the disagreement. Out of breath, I rounded the corner into the tower.

Ivy turned around to face me and asked, "What happened?"

And I couldn't even forget. She had to remind me. I groaned and said, "I was just in a disagreement. That's all."

I should have known she'd want to know more. "With who?"

I tried to murmur his name, but she only gave me a confused look. Sighing, I said louder, "Sirius."

"What? Why?"

I wanted to tell her to drop the subject, but it was Ivy and she would know sooner or later. I hesitated, wondering how to tell her. "He didn't want me to tell you my secret."

She blinked, staring at me for the longest while. I let out a nervous breath, watching her. "And you wanted to tell me anyway?" she finally questioned.

I could do this. All I had to do was tell her about being a werewolf.

Easy.

I let out a shuddering breath at the thought. "He was worried that it would be too dangerous."

Her eyes widened and I could tell what she was thinking immediately. "There's no Dark Arts involved," I added, thinking about to how many times I thought about telling her everything about me. "I've been wanting to tell you for awhile. Ever since your birthday. I don't know..." I paused, watching the sky for the moonlight. It was a half-moon; nothing to be worried over. "Maybe I shouldn't even be telling you this. But I want you to know. I don't want to hide anything from you. You're smart – you'd probably find out sooner or later, and I want you to hear it from me."

Glancing at her, I saw her nod, probably trying to reassure me. But my heart was already beating frantically. It felt like I was going to have a heart attack.

I took in a deep breath and, catching her eyes, slowly exclaimed, "Please, don't be frightened."

And she just stared back, waiting.

How hard was it to say the words?

I gulped, trying to force them out. They were on the tip of my tongue. I could say them. I just needed to calm my racing heart.

Just say it.

"I'm a werewolf."

My eyes widened in realization that I had actually said it.

I looked at Ivy to see her blink. "What?"

And again. "I am a werewolf," I repeated, carefully watching her for a reaction. Was she going to scream? Hug me? I had no clue.

She stared at me, her face almost blank. But she was wincing and I didn't know why. I could see her taking in shuddering breaths.

Oh god.

"I..." she swallowed, her voice wavering dangerously. "I can't."

And with those two words, the previous kiss was erased from my mind. Because this was so much worse.

Sorry if you were confused at the beginning. It was the style I wanted to take.

And yeah, so Remus and his thoughts about the kiss. Quite interesting.

And this chapter was heavily influenced by the song Teenage Werewolf by The Remus Lupins. Search for it on YouTube.

Props to Nathpollen because she's awesome. I can't believe I just said props. Annnd...that's all I have to say.

Yay summer!