Back on their tour of Springfield, Lisa's gang had encountered another Springfield celebrity, only this one wasn't interested in hiring them.
"Hello little animal kids, I am Rainer Wolfcastle. You probably remember me from the popular McBain movies, as well as my brief stint as governor of Ohio."
"I've never heard of you before" Sue Ellen commented.
"Surely you heard about my reforms in Ohio" Wolfcastle said "I successfully terminated health care and the elderly."
"You mean 'for the elderly', right?" Francine asked.
"You heard what I said."
"Ooh, look at the time, we've got to be on our way" Lisa said, as she and Colin quickly pushed the girls away from him.
"I don't mean to be rude Lisa, but this place is insane!" Francine shouted, as soon as they were out of earshot "I'm afraid to do my report on this town, because it might make everyone in Elwood City hate it too!"
"I'm sorry this tour hasn't gone quite the way you'd hoped" Lisa apologized "maybe things will get better when we get to the playground. You'll get a chance to meet my peers and learn everyone in this city isn't a crazy celebrity or mentally insane cat lover."
"I don't know what you're talking about Francine" Fern said "I love it here."
"What?!" Sue Ellen & Francine asked, amazed.
"Oh yes, this city is wonderful. There are so many colorful characters, it's like a Dickens book, but without the bleak economic outlook" Fern explained "I've never seen a city that still had an old-fashioned sea captain living there."
"Yarr, well I've never seen a little dog using a camera" Captain McCallister said, walking into view "now if you'll excuse me, I've got some whaling ta do."
"Fascinating" Fern replied, "ooh, and look at that guy over there, he's dressed like a bee!"
"Aye aye aye, es un perro con una camara!" Bumblebee Man said, moments before Fern snapped his picture.
"Fern does have a point, Springfield is home to a unique assortment of characters" Lisa commented "some of them may seem like broad stereotypes, others may not make sense at all, but our town embraces them all regardless. Perhaps there's a lesson in that."
"Except that people continue to stare at us" Francine replied "some lesson."
"Let's just go before Fern uses up all her film" Sue Ellen suggested.
Meanwhile, back at the Android's Dungeon, Buster & Comic Book Guy were engaged in a highly intellectual debate.
"I think it's weird that Iron Man was so successful, and yet the hero isn't that well known" Buster told CBG.
"Untrue, he has been well known as a member of the Avengers, and has been a supporting player in Marvel comics for decades" CBG explained "now if you tried to make a movie about, say, Brother Power the Geek, that would be a tougher sell. However, I would see said movie in a heartbeat."
"Wow, you sure know a lot about comics" Buster said, in awe.
"I know a great deal about many subjects, ranging from comics to sci-fi" CBG explained "it is my life's work."
"Can anyone be a comic book guy, or does it take years of practice?" Buster asked.
"That depends how much time you commit to it" CBG replied.
"This is been fun, but if we don't motor to the playground, Lis is gonna be super pissed" Bart explained.
"It was nice to meet you Mr. Comic Book Guy" Arthur said "thank you for your, uh, informed discussions."
"Thank you for coming, it is not often I meet a hybrid of man and animal. Except for the time I saw a centaur in the bathroom of Comic-Con, but it turned out to merely be two people in costume. What a disappointment that was."
"Bye" Buster said, as they left "what a nice guy he was."
"All he did was ramble on about comic books for 25 minutes" Alan said "when he claimed he could name all the members of the X-Men, I wanted to slam my head against the wall."
"Why can't you appreciate comics Alan?" Buster asked.
"Because they're incredibly inaccurate. People don't get superpowers from cosmic radiation or a radioactive spider. All that would do is cause the person to develop cancer, or fry them to a crisp."
"Do me a favor" Bart told Alan "when we get to the playground, point that out to my pal Nelson."
"I'm always happy to share my intellect with others" Alan said "is this Nelson a fellow intellectual?"
"No, but I think you'll be 'hit' by his response."
"Why did you choose to emphasize the word 'hit' in your sentence, as if it were some type of play on words" Alan enquired.
"No reason."
Elsewhere, Lisa's group had arrived in the town square.
"There it is, the statue of Jebediah Springfield, our founder" Lisa told the others "of course, I learned he was an evil pirate who invented the identity to escape the law, but his myth is still inspiring."
"You're lucky to have a mythical founder like this" Colin said "in my old hometown, our founder was some guy who built the town just so he could have someplace to get drunk."
"At least he wasn't cranky like that Katzenellenbogen guy" Sue Ellen explained "we did a whole musical on him in third grade. Did you know he wanted the town to be called Elmwood?"
"Now this is what I'm talking about" Francine said happily "I can already see the headline: 'town actually founded by murderous pirate.'"
"Um Francine, only a few people know about the pirate thing…" Lisa began.
"So why not tell everyone else?" Francine asked "you told me that you hate it when the media lies to the people."
"That's true, but…"
"Fern, get some shots of the statue" Francine ordered "I want a big cover story on this when we get back."
"Right chief" Fern replied, snapping some pics of the Jebediah statue.
"You don't really think Francine will write that story, do you?" Lisa whispered to Sue Ellen.
"Not unless she finds a better one" Sue Ellen replied.
"Hey, how about we head to the playground now?" Lisa suggested "maybe some of my friends are there and I'd love for you to meet them."
"A human interest story? Count me in" Francine said "come on Fern."
"Whew, saved by journalistic curiosity" Lisa said "I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing."
While Bart and his crew made their way to Springfield Elementary, they were stopped on the street by a familiar trio.
"Hey Simpson, who are the lamewads?" Jimbo Jones asked.
"And how come they look all weird" Dolph wondered "are they mutants like those ninjas in the comics that are turtles?"
"They're just a couple of dudes from out of town" Bart explained "I'm just showing them around Springfield."
"They look like they belong in a petting zoo" Jimbo replied.
"Yeah, where little kids could pet them and give them that feed stuff that you have to pay a quarter for" Dolph added.
"I like to punch the goats at those things" Kearney added.
"Hey leave us alone!" Arthur said "how would you like it if we said that stuff about you?"
"Go ahead" Kearney replied.
"Okay, um…well you three look like you belong in a…um, ugly convention" Arthur replied weakly.
"That sucked butt" Jimbo said.
"Yeah what city do you come from, Lameslyvania?" Kearney asked.
"That doesn't make any sense" Alan replied.
"Your face doesn't make sense" Dolph retorted.
"Look Jimbo, I'm just taking the guys to Springfield elementary" Bart said "and before you ask, it wasn't my idea, it was Lisa's."
"Then maybe we'll join you" Jimbo replied.
"Yeah, we wanna see the looks on the faces of the other kids when they see these guys" Dolph explained "they'll be all 'aah weird animal kids!' or whatever."
"I don't like this Bart" Milhouse said, as they headed off, with the bullies following close behind "those guys are gonna pound us when they're done."
"Actually, my dear Milhouse, I've come up with a plan to keep that from happening" Bart said "and, if it works, should allow me the chance to show everyone that I can rule the school."
A few minutes later, Lisa's group appeared at the playground at Springfield elementary. A number of their classmates were there, using the playground equipment since the school was closed. Ralph was the first to notice them.
"Hi Lisa" he said "hi stuffed toys."
"Hey Ralph" Lisa said "these are my friends from out of town. Francine Frensky, Fern Walters, Sue Ellen Armstrong, meet Ralph Wiggum."
"Nice to meet you Ralph" Francine said, extending her hand out for a handshake.
"You're a monkey."
"And you're very observant" Francine said, shaking Ralph's hand anyway.
"Doggy!" Ralph said, happily clamping on to Fern's legs "can I take you home with me? You can sleep in my room, except if you make 'uh-oh' on the carpet."
"Aren't you darling?" Fern said "but I already have a family, I'm sorry."
"Your hair is like cotton candy" Ralph said to Sue Ellen "can I chew it?"
"Um, no."
"Okay" Ralph replied, and went off to go play.
"I'm sorry, Ralph's a little, well, 'special' is the nice word" Lisa began.
"That's okay, after all the crazy stuff we've seen, a kid like that is nothing" Francine said "come on, let's meet some of your other friends."
"They're not like Ralph, I promise" Lisa said.
"Thank goodness" Francine replied.
Soon Bart and the others arrived, with the bullies still in tow.
"Okay Milhouse, on my signal, run" Bart said.
"What's the signal?"
"When I say 'run'" Bart explained, before turning around to face the bullies "hey Jimbo, your mother is a well respected member of the community!"
"You'll pay for that Simpson!" Jimbo shouted, as he and the other bullies gave chase.
"Run now, head for Lisa" Bart ordered.
"You just described my favorite dream" Milhouse added.
"Why did you annoy those bullies?" Arthur asked, as he ran across the playground "now they're going to beat us up!"
"Trust me, I know what I'm doing" Bart said, before spying the girls "jackpot."
Quickly he rushed over to them "Lis you gotta help me, Jimbo and his goons saw Arthur and the others and they said they were going to beat them up" he said.
"They what?" Lisa asked.
Soon Arthur and the others rushed over, with Jimbo in hot pursuit.
"Those bullies are trying to beat us up!" he shouted.
"Not if I have anything to say about it" Sue Ellen replied.
Jimbo and his gang soon arrived, but found their way blocked by the girls. "Out of the way girls, we've got some pounding to administer to dorks"
"Jimbo, why do you always seek violence to solve your problems?" Lisa asked "have you learned nothing from the Middle East conflict?"
"Yeah, I learned what Hamas is" Jimbo said "now move it!"
"I don't want to hurt you, but if you three lay a finger on my friends, I will" Sue Ellen warned, taking a small step forward.
"Ooh, the little girl is threatening us" Dolph said mockingly "what are you going to do huh? Make us a doily or throw your Barbie at us?"
"Excellent use of female stereotypes" Kearney commented.
"I am giving you a chance to leave" Sue Ellen said "I suggest you take it."
"And I suggest you move your ugly face" Jimbo said.
"Make me."
"Usually, I don't hit girls" Jimbo explained, "but since you don't look like any girl I've ever seen, I'll make an exception."
He reared up his fist and sent it flying, only for Sue Ellen to catch it in mid-flight.
"Hi-ya!" she shouted, as she flipped Jimbo over on his back, while her friends watched in awe. The other kids on the playground, having heard the commotion, gathered nearby to watch.
"Uh-oh" Dolph said, before Sue Ellen chopped him in the gut, sending him to the ground in pain. Then she turned her attention to Kearney.
"I don't need this, I've got to pick up my kid from school anyway" he said, walking off. A recovered Jimbo & Dolph soon got up and limped after him.
"I'm sorry I had to do that, but I had no choice" Sue Ellen explained.
"Hey you three, spread the word" Bart shouted after them, "anybody who messes with Bart Simpson messes with my new friend here!"
"Bart, you didn't purposely goad those bullies into trying to pound you so you could get Sue Ellen to beat them up, did you?" Lisa asked, suspiciously.
"You wound me with your accusations sis" Bart said "you know how Jimbo and his flunkies are. It was just lucky that Sue Ellen was here."
"Lucky for you perhaps" Lisa replied, unconvinced.
"Yup, just good old luck" Bart said, ignoring the stare Lisa was giving him "now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go find Nelson."
Bart left, taking a reluctant Arthur in tow, while Sue Ellen turned to Lisa.
"Did Bart trick me into taking out those bullies?" she asked.
"I wouldn't doubt it, but you can yell at him later" Lisa said "right now, there's someone I'd like you to meet."
Bart: Man your girlfriend kicks ass. I don't know why you haven't taken advantage of that.
Arthur: Because Sue Ellen only uses her karate for defense, not to beat people up left and right.
Bart: All I know is, if I had a girlfriend who knew martial arts, I'd use her to bring the bullies to their knees.
Arthur: Well, that's one of the differences between us. I have a sense of ethics.
Bart: Hey I got ethics, but the bullies need to get theirs.
Arthur: Anyway, in the next chapter, I meet Bart's friend Nelson, who gives me a very unusual, and painful welcome.
Bart: And Lis introduces the girls to her pal Allison and her boy toy. I think you'll be very surprised who it is.
Arthur: Can I tell them?
Bart: Nah, I don't wanna spoil the surprise. Besides, I'm pretty sure they can figure it out.
Arthur: And you'll finally learn what Sue Ellen's job is.
Bart: So read and review, or I'll send her after you.
Arthur: He's just kidding folks.
Bart: No I'm not.