The next day the gang got up for breakfast, and Sue Ellen was as excited as ever.
"I can't believe today's the day!" she said "our double date!"
"Take it easy, it's not for a few hours yet" Lisa said.
"I'm sorry, but I've really been looking forward to it" Sue Ellen said "it is the main reason we came, after all."
"And while you and Arthur are on your little date, what are we supposed to do?" Francine asked.
"There are plenty of things you can do" Lisa said "you could go down to the Aztec and catch a movie. Or, if you wanted, I could show you our ice cream place."
"Oooh, I wanna do the second one!" Buster said.
"I'd rather tour more of the city" Fern said "I feel like I only got to see a cross-section of those who inhabit it."
"We might be able to squeeze that in" Lisa said "it is only 7 in the morning, and our date isn't until dinner time."
"Good, 'cause I'm doing a whole edition on this city, and so far I only have a few stories for my paper" Francine explained.
"Francine, you should do one on local ice cream flavors" Buster suggested.
"That's the reason why you're not a journalist Buster" Francine said "you don't know a good scoop when you see it."
"I know a good ice cream scoop."
"He's got you there Francine" Bart replied.
"Shut up."
So the kids set out on another trip of the town. Little did they know, that this time, they would run into trouble with a very serious foe.
"Okay boys, keep an eye out for these kids" Fat Tony instructed his henchmen, as they drove around town in his limo.
"What do they look like boss?" Louie asked.
"Animals. If you see any kids that look like animals, that's probably them" Fat Tony replied.
"Not ta worry boss, they won't escape us" Louie replied "in this city, kids like that will stick out like an FBI snitch at a Mafia meeting."
"You need to work on your similes" Fat Tony told him.
Meanwhile, having taken Lisa's suggestion, the kids headed to Phineas Q. Butterfait's Ice Cream Emporium for some ice cream.
"Is it just me, or is the town barren?" Francine asked "there doesn't appear to be anyone here."
"That is a bit odd" Lisa commented "there are at least a few people roaming the streets, especially at this hour."
"I'll bet they've all been abducted and replaced by clones as part of a plan to repopulate the Earth" Buster said.
"I thought I pointed out to you the impossibilities of human cloning" Alan said "the technology to do so is years away."
"That's what the government wants you to believe" Buster said "in reality, they're cloning people left and right. You know Tom Brokaw? He's been cloned dozens of times; that's why he's always on TV."
"Could they make a clone of you that shuts up?" Bart asked.
"Take some shots of some of the buildings Fern" Francine ordered "just to show the readers back at home what kind of businesses are here."
"Okay, but I was really hoping to photograph more of these exotic citizens" Fern said "I wonder where they could be."
Fern didn't know it, but most of the citizens of Springfield were at the town hall, in a hastily called town meeting.
"People of Springfield" Mayor Quimby addressed them "I have called this meeting to address the er ah, recent problem that has been brought to my attention; animal-like people that have been seen roaming Springfield. To comment further on this subject is Professor John Frink."
"Ng'hey, thank you Mr. mayor" said Frink, taking the stage "I know many of you assume these animal people are my doing, but I can assure you, I have not been developing any animal human hybrids, like in that Jeff Goldblum movie the Fly."
The crowd sighed in relief.
"Indeed, my recent project has been the creation of a breed of super soldiers that will take over combat missions in Iraq & Afghanistan. They are being bred to be faster, tougher, and smarter than most humans, which almost certainly means they will eventually turn on us, with the armed rebellion, and the Orwellian society and the Big Brother and so forth."
"Thank you Professor" Quimby said, upon re-taking the stage "I will now take suggestions from helpful weirdoes on how to deal with this new threat."
"When my critters act up, I takes 'em out ta the farmhouse and sets 'em straight" Cletus said "then I make 'em into dinner."
"I say we kill 'em all, then storm the banks and take back our money" Moe suggested.
"How does that help us get rid of the animal people?" Principal Skinner asked.
"What animals?" Moe said "I thought we was talking about how ta deal with stockbrokers."
"Ach, ya bunch of weak willed gobsmacks!" Groundskeeper Willie said "ya let Willie at these animals, and I'll turn 'em into food for ya I will."
"The police are prepared to use everything in our arsenal to drive these creatures back where they came from" Chief Wiggum said "including all our SWAT vehicles."
"Uh chief, I think that's a little excessive" Lou commented.
"This is America Lou, we were founded on excess" Wiggum explained "we could use the A-Bomb to take out drug punks if we wanted to."
"Hey, man, what did drugs ever do to you?" Otto Mann asked.
Back on the streets of Springfield, Fat Tony and his goons had spotted their quarry, and were in hot pursuit.
"Look, another limousine" Fern pointed out to her friends.
"I hope it's that clown again" Francine said.
"Or it could be a government black ops team" Buster added.
The gangsters' limo pulled up alongside the motley crew of kids.
"Changed your mind about having me on the show huh?" Francine said "I knew you'd see my natural talent eventually."
The door to the limo opened and Fat Tony and his goons stepped out.
"Uh oh" Lisa said.
"Who are they?" Sue Ellen asked her.
"I am simply a local businessman with an interesting proposition for you" Fat Tony explained "come with me and I shall explain it further."
"Sorry, but my mom says I'm not supposed to talk to, or accept a ride from, strangers" Fern replied.
"I am afraid my offer is non-negotiable" Fat Tony said, snapping his fingers. Instantly, his men produced their guns.
"Now Fat Tony, I'm sure we can work this…RUN!" Lisa shouted, as she and the kids took off down the street.
"After them, but do not kill any of them, they are our meal ticket" Fat Tony explained to his men.
"Guns, they had guns!" Francine shouted "I've never even seen a gun before!"
"Well if you don't run faster, you'll be seeing a whole bunch of them!" Lisa replied.
"Let's cut through an alley and lose them" Bart suggested.
"Statistically speaking, there's a 65% chance that said alley could be a dead end" Alan said.
"Yeah, well there's a 100% chance that we'll be dead if we don't try something!" Sue Ellen yelled.
"An alley it is" Lisa said "on my mark, we'll head down the next one. Ready, set…go!"
The kids quickly ran down a nearby alley, which thankfully was not blocked.
"Looks like your calculations were wrong" Francine said to Alan smugly "we'll lose those jerks no problem."
Suddenly, Fat Tony's limo pulled in front of the exit, blocking their escape.
"Or not."
The kids tried to reverse direction, but were confronted by a pistol packing Louie and Legs.
"This town is 'so' getting a bad review in the Frensky Star" Francine commented.
"If you live to write it" Fern added.
"Now then, as I was saying" Fat Tony said, emerging from his limo "my offer is non-negotiable."
"In that case, we'd be glad to listen to you" Arthur said nervously.
Soon, all the kids were in the back of the limo, their hands secured with plastic zip ties.
"Look Fat Tony, you clearly want the animal freaks" Bart said "let me and Lisa go and we'll forget this whole thing ever happened."
"I cannot do that" Fat Tony replied.
"Come on, I thought we were tight" Bart said "remember when I helped mix drinks for you? Or when me and my dad subbed for you when you got shot?"
"It is true, I do owe you" Fat Tony said "and the Mafia always honor their debts. Alright boys, let the two Simpson kids go."
The limo pulled over and Bart & Lisa were cut free, then set outside.
"This now squares our debt" Fat Tony explained "if you attempt to rescue your animal friends, I will not be so kind when next our paths cross."
"Not to worry Fat Tony, we don't even like those losers" Bart replied.
"It saddens me to see a young man turn on his friends" Fat Tony said "but, the money I shall make will hopefully cheer me up. Off we go boys."
As the limo pulled away, Lisa turned to face her brother.
"Bart, how could you?!" she asked angrily "Arthur and the others are our friends and you're just going to leave them in the hands of Fat Tony? You've done a lot of rotten things in your life, but…"
"Knock it off Lis, I'm not abandoning them" Bart explained "I just needed Fat Tony to let us go so we could mount a rescue mission."
"You mean you'd take on the mob to rescue some friends from out of town that you hardly see?"
"Sure, why not" Bart said "but don't tell Nelson, 'cause I don't want him thinking I'm a wuss."
"He already does."
"Oh yeah. Anyway, I've got a plan, but we'll need some of our friends to carry it out."
"I just hope Arthur and the others can hold out that long" Lisa said, worried.
Back in Fat Tony's limo, the Elwood City kids were trying to figure out their next move.
"Okay, does anyone have a plan?" Francine whispered.
"Why are we whispering?" Buster asked in a whisper.
"So the gangsters won't hear us" Sue Ellen explained.
"They're five inches away, I think they can hear what we're saying" Alan chided.
"Would you kids quit whispering whatever it is you are talking about" Fat Tony interrupted "there will be plenty of time for talking in your new home at the zoo."
"Zoo? Forget that!" Francine shouted "we're not going to be some performing animals in a cage!"
"Oh, but you will" Fat Tony said "for you see, there is nothing you can do to stop it."
"Please mister gangster sir, we'd be terrible in the zoo!" Buster whined "I don't have any talents!"
"That's not true, you can eat more than anyone I know" Arthur told his friend.
"That's not a talent, it's just gross" Francine retorted.
"So is your face" Buster shot back.
"You'd better be thankful my hands are tied!" Francine shouted "'cause if they weren't, I'd…!"
"Knock it off!" Fat Tony instructed "no more of your pointless arguing."
"This is the end you guys!" Buster whined, "it's all over for us. There's no hope!"
"Quit whining" Sue Ellen said "there has to be a way out of this."
"See guys, Sue Ellen has faith" Arthur said.
"Right, because I'm not scared" Sue Ellen said "even though we're captives of dangerous men with guns, who have used them before, and could use them again and….oh Arthur, hold me!" the girl shouted, throwing herself into Arthur's chest.
"When Sue Ellen loses it, that means we're totally boned" Francine replied, rolling her eyes at her friend's display.
It took about ten minutes, but Bart & Lisa had managed to assemble a team of their friends, including Milhouse, Colin, Martin, Ralph, Nelson, & Lewis.
"Thank you for agreeing to help us" Lisa told them "I know it will be dangerous."
"I'd fight a million Mafia guys for you Lisa" Milhouse said "even the ones from the Sopranos, although my mom won't let me watch it…"
"Thank you Milhouse" Lisa said "all right, you all know your parts, so let's get ready."
"Tis a noble endeavor we embark on" Martin said "to rescue foreign allies from a well-armed and dangerous foe."
"Knock off the wiener talk" Nelson said, delivering a punch to Martin's gut.
"My diaphragm!" Martin groaned, as he clutched his chest and fell down.
"Haw Haw!"
Arthur: So far, the trip is turning out to be the most exciting one of my life. Before this, the only gangsters I'd ever seen were on the Altos.
Bart: Are you telling me there's no Mafia in Elwood City?
Arthur: Yup. At least, I think not. Sometimes there are these shady looking guys that hang out downtown, but I've never seen them do anything illegal.
Bart: Duh, that's the mob's specialty, covering up illegal deeds.
Arthur: No, I'm pretty sure they weren't Mafia guys. I mean, okay, they were Italian, and they wore fancy suits, and seemed to have a lot of money to burn, but that doesn't mean anything. They could just be local businessman.
Bart: Did ya ever hear them say anything like 'fuggedabouit' or 'over here?'
Arthur: I think so.
Bart: I hate to tell you this, but you've got a mob. Now how about telling the folks what's next?
Arthur: Gladly. In the next chapter, Bart & Lisa launch their attempt to rescue me and the others.
Bart: The question is, does it work? Also, one of my dad's least favorite people makes an appearance. And it ain't Madonna.
Arthur: So read and review.