3. Bargaining

Existence is a strange bargain.
Life owes us little; we owe it everything.
The only true happiness comes from squandering ourselves for a purpose.

It was one of his best weeks ever. Personally. Professionally.
He might even say he was proud of himself, but that seemed too much. But the passing of his Sergeants exam was a great moment for him. Would be for anyone, really. He'd considered calling Jack, telling him about it. But he didn't. He was his past, not his future.
He still didn't know about his move to NCS. He didn't need to know.

Instead, he celebrated his success with someone from his present, someone who he hoped would be his future. She'd suggested a meal to celebrate. Elizabeth... Liz.

A colleague to start with. Soon became a friend, a confidant. Although he'd still not spoke about that yet. But still, if there were someone he thought he might eventually want to talk about it with, then it was her.
She was smart, pretty. Cared about him. She kept herself together, was professional. He couldn't think of anything bad about her. Knew his Mother would have loved her. And so he was going to love her too. Because he wanted to be with someone his Mum would approve of. He wanted her to be proud of him, even if she couldn't be there to say it.

So he'd decided a few days ago, that to move on, to get over all the things that had happened, he needed a fresh start. Even MIT had been too close to Sun Hill for him. In many ways, Eva joining was even worse. She knew. And he hated someone knowing. And he'd hated going to Sun Hill when he had to because even though everyone was busy with everything else happening, there'd still been that moment with Tony and Smithy where they'd been awkward with him. And he'd had to say something.
He knew that was it then. Away from Sun Hill, away from MIT... another fresh start. NCS.

When he and Liz had first started dating, he'd committed himself to making things work with her. Whatever he had to do, give up for her, if that's what she wanted.
And he'd never been like it with a woman before, but something inside him was yearning for more with her. It wasn't just about lust and sex... in fact, the sexual desire wasn't that important to him. And she'd commented on that.. how most men were all about the sex but he was different. If only she knew....

She seemed to think that he was too gentlemanly to want to have sex before marriage, and he never stopped her thinking that. And although they did sleep together... two or three times, she took his reluctance to be as a result of wanting to wait.

But he didn't want sex. He wanted a relationship, he wanted everything. He wanted commitment, marriage, kids... they would grow old together, draw out a pension and live in a retirement home. That was his life, mapped out. Forever. Him and Liz.

She didn't know. Not how he'd planned it all out. But he was going to let her in on it. Tonight.

He had reserved a table at her favourite restaurant. The ring was in his jacket pocket and he'd left her a message to be ready for 7.30 and a cab would pick her up. And he'd already be inside, waiting for her. He'd wear the suit she'd picked out for him. Because she thought it would look great on him- and it did. And he'd get her a bottle of the best red wine that they served here because red was her favourite and he'd toast her and all she'd done for him. And once they'd eaten, he'd get out the ring and he'd get down on one knee and he'd ask her to marry him. If he knew her well, she'd say yes, and they'd hug and kiss.
And then when they left the restaurant he'd tell her of his other surprise. Tell her how much he loved her and wanted to be with her and that he was going to re-decorate his flat and when he did, she could, if she wanted, move in with him.

For once, something turned out how he imagines it. Everything was perfect. She said yes to marriage and the people on the table next to them even applauded their happiness. They'd both looked a little embarrassed but were touched as well, because it was special for them. Memorable. And as they waited for the taxi, they talked and everything was becoming perfect. The job, his life.. all where it should be.
Things just started to feel normal again.

He asked her in she wanted to come back with him, but she convinced him to go with her. Because he had some clothes at hers that she'd washed and ironed for him, and they were closer to work. They got back and they celebrated a little more, but things never went too far, because neither had any protection. And tonight, she wanted him and so she kissed him and told him to wait and she'd be back soon.
Alone in the apartment, he went to the bathroom to clean himself up a little. He splashed some cold water on his face and then dried himself off. Refreshed him a little. He could do with a shower, to feel cleansed and fully refreshed, but would wait. He decided to make drinks for Liz's return. He'd never known her to turn down a cup of tea.

As he went to leave the bathroom, something caught his eye and he stopped in his tracks.
It was him. His reflection. Surely it shouldn't stop him in his tracks.. yet it did.
And in reality, he knew why it did, why it had that affect.

It was because for the briefest second, he didn't recognise himself. Not so much his physical appearance, but the suits he now wore- they weren't his usual choice. NCS were more professional than he'd been in CID and he welcomed that change. But it wasn't really him. And when he'd been introduced as Michael Webb he hadn't told them he preferred Mickey. He didn't want to be that man any more.
Didn't want to be that victim. Because whenever he heard his name called, he heard the way Delaney said it. But he never called him Michael and he had no attachment to the name.
he walked away from the reflection, didn't want to look any longer.

Liz wanted to get married soon. Didn't want to wait. And she sorted it all out. And he let her because it made her so happy. She seemed to have an endless amount of friends and family to invite and his own seemed... inadequate. It wasn't until they did the seating for the reception that she found out that his Mum was dead and with his Dad out of the picture too, it left one brother, and Mickey didn't even know if he'd come for the wedding. They weren't close, and Liz suggested her brother as the best man, because she was close to him. And because there was no one else he could think of, just one, he said it was fine.
She went out shopping for dresses with her best friend and left him to make the list of guests he wanted there. A few old school friends, some work friends.... and one he hesitated over. Someone who at the same time as meaning a lot to him, he still wasn't certain whether to invite or not. The conflict within him confused. There was still his deep rooted fear that Jack really wouldn't want to be there, that he always used their relationship to his own benefit and at the end of it all, now he'd left Sun Hill Jack thought that any responsibility that typed him to Mickey was also gone.
The pen hovered above the paper. To invite Jack or not?

Sod it, he thought and wrote Jack's name down.
Maybe there was room for the DCI in his future, however much he wanted to move on from the past.