5. Acceptance

The first step toward change in awareness.
The second is acceptance.

He hadn't planned it. It was just... his day, that case. That girl.
He didn't ever feel like going home. Worked filled his days, gave him a purpose. Gave him power and control when he still felt it was unsteady in his hands.
And it wasn't something he talked about. With anyone. Not even Jack, even though they were getting on better now. But he couldn't burden him with it forever.
For Jack, it was history. He didn't realise how it stayed with you. How it'd be part of who he was forever. It changed him, scarred him and no matter what he did, the scar would never fade.

And going home used to be the end of a long day, a rest well deserved. But now, it was anything to put off that emptiness at home. The nothingness in his life. It just served as a reminder to what he could have now. Beautiful wife, shared happiness. He'd been so close, but he'd lost it all. So staying behind a little bit to finish off some work.... an hour at tops, he'd lie to whoever was the last to leave. He knew he'd be there as long as he could. Until he had to leave, until his eyes would be so heavy he could sleep at his desk.... he knew at least then he could get home and just sleep. As long as he didn't have to think. Thinking was not good, not for him.

But tonight had been different, the case.... the link to Delaney.
He took Delaney's file out, looked at that mugshot... seemed to spend his darkest moments staring at that man. He felt a weird perversion staring at the man... was never sure why he wanted.. needed to see him, as clear as he was in his mind. He was always lurking in there, although in his head, he was animated, more dangerous. More insane than the picture would do justice.
It was what he was staring at when she came in. Mia.
And for some reason, things felt different that night. Between them. No expectations. She didn't push as much, let him talk. Maybe saw the sadness that was betrayed in his actions of staying so late into the night alone and in the dark. And so when she asked if he was okay, it didn't feel like it was something he'd been building up to. The words just came. Easier than when he'd tried to plan it. And having a case to relate it to... to use to distance himself from what happened to him. It helped, even if bracing himself for the reveal formed a lump in his throat, made him want to stop right there.
She tried to help him, tried to sooth and let him know that it was okay if it was too hard, but he'd kept it back long enough. It needed to be said now and it came out with force. What he wanted to say, how it made him feel, she needed to hear it. She needed to. Because Jack knew and he couldn't tell him about it as he thought he was okay. Not great and over it but getting by. And if he told him all this, it'd be too weird for him. And he'd maybe start treating him differently when all he wanted to be was the same as everyone else. He yearned for normal.
But he told her. Told her what happened to him. Told her why he did what he did and she forgave him. Just like that. It was that simple. Was it because he trusted her with something personal, she understood why he was like he was?

She had a reason for it. He guessed that's was what she needed. To know that it wasn't because he wasn't interested in her that he did these things, that it was really because he couldn't keep control of things. He had to have a release and drunken sex with strangers was his vice. His release. His escape. To show that he did have control over some things in his life.

Her phone rang. It dawned on him that she might have someone at home waiting for her.
She'd moved on. He should let her go and be with whoever was calling so late. She checked it, said it was only Heaton, but by then he knew he needed to get the distance back. Because if she'd moved on and he got things wrong tonight, it'd be so much worse. He told her to go, he was fine. After all, he'd lied and said he had work to do, so he needed to get back to that work now he'd told her.

And even not watching, he saw her move away. Leaving. He didn't look.
But she stopped. Didn't leave. And when she spoke, she hesitated but she went through with it anyway. And asked him. Words thinly veiled to ask if they wanted to try again. And he did. He so did. And so 'a drink sometime' wasn't good enough, he wanted it to be now. Had to grab the opportunity. And she wanted it too. He couldn't believe it really. That she was leaving with him. After the day he'd had. Jack flapping around over him and making sure he was okay, Carrie and her problems... but it could all be okay. If he was okay, she could be too.

And maybe there could be a happy ending now. Now Mia was aware of his issues. That he knew he had to talk to her, let her in again. And knowing that Jack did still care and worry. Because even when he knew Jack had to keep his distance, it still hurt. But if he knew... if he was aware too... then maybe he could live with his past.
And finally accept his future.

The End