Disclaimer: We're on a site for fanfics, dope. Use your head.

AN: Since it's so cool to receive reviews and stuff, I wrote another chapter. CHEER FOR MEH. This is The Friend again, by the way. Which is why this writing isn't as good as the rest on this account. ANYWAY. Pretty much completely out of character, because it's only ever fun like that, seriously. Oh yeah, there's language in this thing. Because I'm like that.

Act 1, Scene 3 – The Terrible House

We see the Cullen house from the outside. Bloody hell, it's big.

Bella: In her room. Oh, Edward. Edward, Edward, Edward. Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward. Edward, Edward, Ed –

Jacob: In the next room. Will you just shut up, Bella?

Audience: Gasps.

Bella: Offended. I'm doing my Edward chant. It has to be finished.

Jacob: Your what?

Bella: My Edward Chant. If I say his name a hundred times, he'll come back to me. Because I am his cocaine, after all. Oh wait – it was heroin. Giggles. Silly me.

Jacob: Gags. Where's Reenesmee? I mean, Ruhneesme? I mean, Re – oh, forget it. Where is she?

Bella: Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward. Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward. Deep breath. Edward, Edward, Edward...

In his room.

Edward: I smell something fishy.

Alice: I smell something dog.. ie.

Edward: That's what I meant.

Alice: But fishes don't smell like dogs.

Edward: I know.

Alice: Then..? I mean, dogs don't smell like fishes, either.

Edward: My attempt at modern-day speech has failed. I shall have to continue talking as if I were from the past. Which I am, really. Oh, woe!

Maybe it isn't you, Edward. Maybe it's the person you're talking to.

Focus on Bella now, please.

Bella: Still chanting. Edward, Edward, Edward, Edwa – Jacob! Stop licking me. What are you – some cheap dog?

Jacob: In mid-lick. You're heroin, right? I'm a person right now. Can't you see? Maybe Edward was right about you seeing too much then going blind. Hah!

Bella: Yeah..

Jacob: Yum.

Bella: You're supposed to be imprinting on Renesme. I'm her mum.

Jacob: Well, while I'm waiting for her, I must as well have some fun, eh?

Bella: Jacob! Don't even think – AHH!

One of the Audience's Children: Mummy – why is the boy touching her 'special place'?

Said Child's Mother: I'm not sure, honey, now go read your book. I'll tell you when it's over.

And the rest, my friends, is history. And censored.

Act 1, Scene 4 – The Terrible Theatre

Bella: After sleeping with Jacob, Edward is mad at me, though I don't know why, because shouldn't he understand if he loved me oh-so-fully? I mean – oh no! That means it's my fault! I have to –

She trips over while standing up. I know. Amazing, innit?

Bella: Sobbing. I can't show anyone. They'll worry about the tiny bruise that's forming, and I'm a nice little girl, not the whining, clingy, annoying wench everyone thinks I am. I'm a good little girl!

Audience: Cheers.

Edward: Bella?

Bella: Edward!

Edward: Are you hurt?

Bella: I- I tripped over the chair while I was standing up.

Edward: OH YOU TERRIBLE CHAIR!

He smashes it against the wall.

Bella: Shocked. Edward!

Edward: Oh, Bella!

Rosalie: Oh, Edward!

They kiss.

Audience: Gasps.

Edward: Rosalie?!

Bella: Bitch?!

Rosalie: Sorry. Emmet's just so extra, y'know? 'Emmet chuckled.' 'Emmet laughed.' 'Emmet grinned.' 'Emmet had mad sex with Rosalie.' 'Emmet teased.'

The Audience Kid Again: Mummy – what's 'mad sex'?

Said Kid's Mother: It's a hamburger.

Bella and Edward nod in understanding.

Bella: But still. You're so pretty. And I'm.. not. And I'm whiny, and clingy, and sad, and annoying, and –

She slaps Rosalie. It breaks her hand.

Edward: OH YOU TERRIBLE ROSALIE!

He attempts to smash her against the wall, but she just flies out the window, never to be seen again.

Edward: Bella, I'm so sorry.

Bella: It's okay. I understand. She was a terrible perso – I mean, loss. A terrible loss.

Edward: Sadly. Yes indeed. Oh, Bella.

Bella: OH, EDWARD!

She flings herself at him. They kiss. And do some.. other things. I don't think you want to know about that. I mean, Jacob was bad enough. And now this? Credits roll.

Not really. It just seemed so much like a soap opera, that I could see the credits rolling on their faces. Oh, and did you know that some child got taken by the police for asking for 'mad sex' at a McDonald's outlet? Kids these days.

Edward: Don't look, Bella. You could go blind.

Bella: But I want to see you!

Edward: Don't talk. You could get a sore throat. Didn't I tell you already? And the credits, they're all over the place.

Bella: Ouch. Some got in my mouth.

Edward: OH YOU TERRIBLE CREDITS!

Edward becomes a blur as he smashes the credits.

Bella: Edward!

Edward: Yes?

Bella: You're my hero!

Edward: I do try, Bella. I do try.

Bella: I know – we can do a play!

Classic fairytale setting. Tall tower. Handsome knight. White horse. Armour. Tulips. Castle in the background. Birds. Beautiful maiden. Wait – that's a sheep.

Narrator: Are ya ready, kids?!

Kids: Aye-aye, captain!

Narrator: I can't hear you!

Alice: I can. Turn it down, beardy.

Kids: AYE-AYE, CAPTAIN!

Narrator: Ohh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Kids: ED-WARD-CUL-LEN!

Edward: I like to call it a dome, thank you.

Narrator: Absorbent and yellow and porous is –

Bella turns off her phone. Everyone stares.

Bella: What? It's a good song.

Edward: Splutters. It's a horrible song!

Narrator: Should we punish the Big Bad Edward?

Kids: Yeah!

Okay, okay. Let's try to get back on track. The play!

Edward is kneeling.

Edward: Oh beautiful maid – I mean, sheep. How I love you so! (Bella, what are you doing?!)

Bella: Talking through a mouthpiece as the sheep's voice. Baa! Eeeeddddwarrrrd! I looooooovvvveeeeeee you tooooo! (Everyone's loving the lion and the lamb thing.)

Edward: (So that's why I'm in this ridiculous costume!) I'll save you!

Bella: Baa! Yaaaaaaaaay!

Edward attempts to climb up the ladder. But lions can't climb ladders. D'oh!

Edward: I can't make it!

Bella: You are one sorry excuse for a lion.

BURN.

And fin.

AN: And thus comes the end of Terrible Twilight, Act 1. Unless a sudden strike of genius hits me (not saying they're not common - just that Twilight isn't high on my 'Think About' list), there probably won't be another act. But of course, that doesn't mean that the rest of you who are lurking there can get away. Review, ya hear me?