Act 2, Scene 1 – The Horrible Car

Edward, Bella, and Jacob are in the Cullen's front yard. With Bella's car. Y'know, the ugly one. She says it's got personality as an excuse to make it seem better. Sad.

Edward: What's that dog doing here?

Jacob: In fact, bloodsucker, I'm trying to think up of better insults apart from bloodsucker, flea, mosquito, termite –

Edward: Termites don't drink blood.

Jacob: See what I mean?! They're all pathetic and not worthy at all.

Try telling him that at least you don't try to act all graceful and whatnot when really, he's just a savage. Oh, and that sparkling is for wimps.

Edward: That's because they're made by you.

Jacob: But, at least I don't try to act all graceful and whatnot, when really, you're just savages. I don't try to hide it, y'know what I mean? And I don't try to act graceful. And (Okay, I forgot. What was the next part?)

Wimps.

Jacob: And sparkling is for wimps.

Audience: Gasps.

Edward: Ehmagawd. You did nawt just say that! Like, ehmagawd, ehmagawd, ehmagawd! You – you dog!

Nuh-uh. Using the same insult twice in a row is cheating! (And drop the accent – it doesn't suit you.)

Edward: I can't think up of another! My brainpower – it's all spent on trying to keep Bella safe from things she should be kept safe from.

Jacob: Scoffs. Like?

Edward: Like- like- Bella!

Bella: Shocked. Huh, what?

Edward: Don't look at lamps without lampshades! They might hurt your eyes.

Bella: I was just glancing at it.

Jacob: Yeah, you, uh, jerk.

Audience: headdesk.

Edward: Doesn't matter, Bella. It's bad for your eyes. And Jacob, like ehmagawd, you're such an LBR. Ew.

Okay, who's hi-jacking the script and making Edward talk like a bimbo who doesn't know a microwave from a television? Even though he can't tell a microwave from a television (he gets prompts during the book) he isn't a bimbo. Even though he's not really a man, either. But that's a different story. Back to the show, folks!

Edward is now sporting a new hat. It is, after close inspection, a lampshade.

Bella: Edward – I told you, that's not a hat, it's a –

Edward: It's absolutely fine, sweetheart, I'll wear whatever you may choose for me.

Bella: No, I'm trying to tell you that it's a lamp –

Edward: Honestly. And I'm very touched, it's just that this needs a few improvements.

Bella: It's a –

Edward: For example, the fact that I can't see very well. Yes, that needs to be worked on. Eyeholes, perhaps.

Bella: Edward! It's a –

Bella trips. On the flat surface of the front yard. Yes. I'm not kidding. Though this isn't nearly as bad as the chair..oh look. She's face down on the ground. Hey, that rhymes. Should this be in these stage-direction-like-things? Maybe they shouldn't. Oh well. Hey. She's not getting up! Oh ho ho.

Edward: Getting irritated. I assure you that I'm fine with this hat. I'm sure it's just your (lack of) taste. Bella? Bella?! Bella, I'm unable to see with this hat on. May I take it off?

Jacob: Nutjob, she's on the floor.

Audience: Gasp.

Kid in Audience: Mummy, I'm hungry. Can I have some mad sex?

Others in Audience: Double gasp.

Mother of the Kid: Flustered. Uhm, why don't we have something else, dearie? Come now, how about a cheeseburger?

Their names seem to change all the time. Hmm.

Edward rips off his hat. (see; lampshade.)

Edward: Bella?!

Edward whirls around and sees – the car! Even though it's a yard away. Because of the whole super-sight thing.

Edward: Oh, you horrible car! The only reason why you are not a pile of scrap metal is because of my mercy! And if I were to destroy you, Bella would end things with me, which would be horrible, since I'm not heroin to her. I'm not sure what I am – they only said drug, and I haven't been able to figure it out myself.

Jacob: I get to be the sun!

This isn't a play you 'nutjob'. What kind of label is 'nutjob', anyway?

Jacob: It means he's crazy.

I know that, but don't use it if it makes you a hypocrite.

Jacob: A what?

Edward: A hypocrite. Allow me to take this time to exhibit my amazing intelligence – which only came around because I've been alive for a long time, I'm not really all that smart – by telling you the meaning of 'hypocrite'. A hyprocrite is; a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings.

Audience: Applauds.

Jacob: What's contradiction?

Edward: Contradiction is –

Bella groans. She's on the ground.

Edward: Bella! Rushes to her side. Oh, Bella. Forgive me, my love, for leaving you on this horrible ground.

Bella: Miraculously healed. Oh, Edward!

Jacob: Oh, Bella!

Edward and Bella kiss.

Jacob: Hey! I get that one! I finished the phrase! Why don't I get to kiss Bella?! And why are there words on my face?

Edward: Don't listen, Bella dear, I don't want you going deaf.

Bella: Oh, Edward.

an;Yeah, this is half a chapter, because I found it lying around. Too lazy to write the rest of it.