Chapter 9
The door had barely closed when Sully turned to Wolf who was laying comfortably outstretched at his side. "What was that all about? Ya gave Catherine quite a fright," he said, his voice stern.
Recognizing that he was reprimanded, Wolf put his head between his front paws, looking insecurely from his master to Michaela and back.
"It's not his fault. Wolf was so happy to see you again but she tried to pull him away from you," Michaela instantly defended the dog. "What was she still doing here this late anyway?" she wondered, her tone revealing disapproval.
Sully shrugged dismissively, stroking Wolf's back, "She uses to stay till supper. Makes her feel better 'cause she thinks I like to have company."
Michaela wanted to reply that this wasn't about Catherine feeling better but him, yet instead she asked, "Do you?"
"Do I what?" Sully looked at her, puzzled.
"Like her company," Michaela clarified. Yet as soon as the words were out, she wished she'd rather bit her tongue. She didn't want to start an argument, at least not about this topic. There were more important ones like his stubbornness about not seeing a psychiatrist.
Sully didn't seem to mind the question though. Actually, he had thought about it before, since there wasn't much more he could do. He knew that it wouldn't bother him to be alone all day; after all, he had lived like a hermit for more than a year before Michaela moved into his house. Yet when Catherine didn't stop apologizing and insisting on being responsible for his accident, he told her that he appreciated her attempt to ease his situation by sitting with him. Fortunately she wasn't the chatterbox type, so she could be happy because she thought she was helpful whilst he was glad to make her feel better. This way he did at least something useful. That was why he at last replied, "Yeah, I guess I do."
Not knowing all the reasons behind this answer, Michaela wasn't sure what to make of it. Was it possible that she had, once again, misjudged her place in a man's life? As she watched him quietly communicating with Wolf, she noticed in horrified disbelief that tears were blurring her vision. Instantly, she caught herself and refocused. This wasn't about her, not at the moment. Actually, this thought crossed her mind quite a lot lately. However, looking at Wolf she knew that he was fine again which meant taking him here had been right. Sully seemed to be better as well, so she could leave them for a minute. Straightening from the bench, she hastily wiped the lone tear away that had escaped her eye. "I'll be right back," she said, striding towards the door.
"Wait!" Sully's startled exclamation stopped her. "Where are ya going?" he demanded. He didn't want her to leave.
"Just to the nurses' lounge, getting fresh bedclothes," Michaela explained. "I promised Jenny they won't have added work because of Wolf, so I'll do the changing."
Since he'd been occupied with Wolf all the time, Sully hadn't taken a closer look at Michaela yet. But he did now, and what he saw worried him, knowing the signs from earlier months when she used to do a lot of double shifts. "Ya look tired," he stated.
"I haven't felt as tired for a while," Michaela confessed, blushing in embarrassment. Though as she noticed his concern, she quickly added, trying to lighten her words, "Maybe there's something true about not coping as well with stress once you are over thirty."
Giving him one of her half smiles she pivoted in order to eventually leave the room, yet Sully repeated his plea, "Wait!"
Turning back, she looked at him questioningly. To her astonishment she saw him gazing at her almost sheepishly as he asked, patting the cover next to him, "Would ya mind joinin' us for a bit?"
Instantly feeling foolish for her earlier doubts, Michaela's smile grew wide. "How can I decline such an invitation?"
xxx
Snuggled up against his side, Michaela had placed her head on the hollow beneath Sully's collarbone. If they were at home, she would close her eyes, allowing herself drifting off. His arm holding her close gave her the sense of peace she'd missed so much over the last days. She was, however, aware of the possibility that the door could open any second, and although she was here as a private person, this was still her workplace. That was why she settled for just relaxing as long as the quietness would last.
As far as Sully was concerned, he rested under the cover, concealing his useless legs, framed by Michaela and Wolf on top of the blanket. Since all three of them lay perfectly still, he could pretend everything was alright. He even dared to believe that Michaela and Dr. Goldt could be right, and he would recover fully. Feeling the light weight of Michaela's hand on his chest, he wondered whether she sensed his rapid heartbeat. As usual, her proximity spurred his pulse on, yet something was alarmingly different. He tried not to reveal the shock he felt as he realized that the longings that normally accompanied the rush of his blood through his body was missing this time. When he ever had some hope that things would eventually get back to normal, it was disturbed now. As if it wasn't enough that he couldn't walk, he wasn't even a man anymore. Until now, it had never occurred to him that something like that might happen for everything apart from his legs was working just fine. How could he ever look Michaela in the eyes again? Of course she would understand; after all, she was a doctor. But she was a woman, too. A very passionate one as he knew, and giving up this part of her life would be asking too much. In addition, she sure wouldn't want to share her home with a patient for the rest of her days. As much as it hurt, in fact it broke his heart, shattered his entire existence, yet Sully realized he had no choice: he needed to find a way to make Michaela see that she had to leave him. He couldn't give her the life she deserved.
At this moment Michaela lifted her head from his chest. Sliding somewhat higher so that it was easier for her to look at his face, she said, "I can hear the carts in the hallway. I rather go and get your supper before someone enters this room and gives Wolf another frenzy."
The words came slower as she was speaking, seeing his pained expression. Tenderly, she run her fingertips from his temple to his jaw, promising, "We will get through it, Sully. Together." Seeing that he wanted to contradict her, she shifted again, this time in order to close his lips by kissing him gently. For tonight, she managed to silence him.
xxx
Michaela hesitated, her arm already lifted, before she knocked at the door right before her. Being a doctor at this hospital didn't necessarily mean a colleague would talk to her just like that, especially since this wasn't about a patient that any of them treated. But she needed the opinion of a specialist about how to help Sully best. Of course she was familiar with depression, but in Sully's case there was more behind his condition, otherwise he would already be able to walk. Taking in a deep breath, she at last let her knuckles fall twice against the door blade.
"I told you I can get my coffee myself when I want some, Irene," a raspy but not unfriendly voice called from inside.
Opening the door, Michaela didn't step in yet but assured, "I'm not Irene and I don't have coffee. I only wanted…"
"Ah, Dr. Quinn! Come in, come in!" beckoned the occupant of the small room, remaining on her chair behind a large wooden desk that was situated before the window. "Although, if I remember right I have your permission to call you Michaela, haven't I?"
They had once shared a table in the canteen downstairs, when they both were taking a break in the middle of a night shift. Michaela smiled, relieved that her colleague remembered her. "You have, Dr. Lindsay," she replied, "I hope I'm not interrupting anything." Her tone rose in the end, making her line a question.
The old doctor chuckled, "We both know that this place is a madhouse. If you want to survive, you need to describe yourself a break now and then. Which I just did."
Seeing that Michaela started to back out of the room, the psychiatrist quickly added, "And such a break is even more enjoyable with nice company. Come in," she repeated and gestured at the chair next to her desk.
Dr. Samantha Lindsay was at least seventy but her eyes sparkled like those of a woman of half her age. She had taken a liking to her younger colleague right away, and she knew that this feeling was mutual. "Actually, I know what it is that brings you to me," she continued whilst Michaela sat down. "Mr. Sully would have been my case if he'd agreed to see me. I already took a look into his medical report. Unfortunately there isn't much of an anamnesis, apart from the common things. Nothing that's useful to me."
Seeing her guest knitting her brow worriedly, she comfortingly patted Michaela's hand. "I will see what I can do for you. It would be helpful though if you gave me some information about his background first. Oh, and before I forget it – you were to call me Sam, remember?"
"I do," Michaela nodded. Her relief was palpable that it was Dr. Lindsay who was supposed to be Sully's psychiatrist. Now even more than before would she make a new attempt to persuade Sully into agreeing to meet her. Yet first she filled her colleague in about Sully's past.
"I see," Sam nodded once Michaela finished her report about how Sully had lost his wife and newborn daughter, about the grudge that his father-in-law had held against him, and how he had shielded himself from the world for several months.
"I can tell that you have listened to him carefully and know him well," Sam stated, nodding in appreciation. After considering for a moment what she'd just learned, she asked, "What do you think was the emotion that dominated him during this time?"
"Guilt," was Michaela's instant reply.
"That's what I thought," said Sam and leaned against the back of her chair, thoughtfully gazing at Michaela. "It will be as hard a time for you as for him until he recovers, especially since he refuses to talk about his feelings. He had allowed himself to be happy again but unconsciously he still thinks he doesn't have the right to be it. He takes his current physical condition as a deserved punishment, and no words will be able to convince him otherwise. His body has endured a shock during that accident, and so has his psyche which wasn't even recovered yet from its last blow. Patients usually lash out their pain against those that are closest to them, and in Mr. Sully's case you might become the target."
xxx
Michaela checked her watch after saying goodbye to Sam and noticed that twenty minutes of her break were left. If she skipped having lunch, she could still pay Sully a short visit. It wasn't hard a decision to make, and thus she soon hurried towards the orthopedic ward. Sully would be discharged from hospital the day after tomorrow, and they hadn't talked yet about how he would get to the apartment where he would live until he could walk again. She had a few suggestions, and depending on his wishes, she needed to make arrangements.
She smiled as she entered his room yet her reception was unexpectedly frosty. Sully sat on his bed, arms crossed before his chest, and after glancing at the door in order to identify the newcomer, he turned his head back towards the window and continued watching the raindrops throwing themselves against the pane.
He angrily pressed his lips together; he hadn't regained his balance yet from last night's humiliation. When Michaela had returned with the fresh bedclothes, he'd still sat on the bed, his lifeless legs dangling from its edge. He needed to ask for Michaela's help to get onto a chair, although he of course was already capable of doing it himself. Yet the chair had stood outside of his reach because of Catherine's earlier encounter with Wolf, and so he had been trapped on his bed like a baby. To top it, Michaela remarked that she wasn't very fond of the idea of him being on his own in that apartment. When he'd reminded her that it's been her idea to rent it, she shot back that her idea had been making alterations to the house. Grudgingly he'd admitted that she was right, but it was still her fault. She had promised that he would walk again once the swelling that pressed against his spine was down. Now it was, and he still needed a wheelchair if he wanted to move around.
This last thought now added to his already existing disgruntlement, and before Michaela had a chance to say anything, he directed his angry eyes at her, growling, "I can't believe ya did that!"
Sully was so upset that he had problems to get out the words distinctively. An hour ago a man from a wheelchair company had taken his measurements and asked for his wishes, and whilst the man had chatted away, he mentioned that the doctors Goldt and Quinn wanted for him some additions which would make the chair more comfortable. Since the insurance only offered the simplest model, Dr. Quinn had assured she would pay for the added costs.
"I'm a grown man; I can take care of myself!" His voice rose a notch with every word, "And if I can't afford some things, I just can't have them. I don't need you to pay for me, I'm not a social case!"
Michaela had heard these last words before; she knew that money was a sore point for him. "No one thinks that, Sully. I…"
Yet he wasn't done yet and cut her off, his tone still accusatory, "Why didn't ya tell me?"
Michaela, leaning against the foot of his bed by now, mimicked the way he held his arms. Crossing them before her chest as well, she raised an eyebrow in answer to his question. "Isn't that obvious?" she asked, her voice calm.
Her reply stunned him momentarily for she openly admitted that she knew he wouldn't approve. Yet before his temper could rise again, she went on, "Just imagine for a moment that things would be the other way around and I was in your place. Wouldn't you have done the same for me?"
Silently he admitted that she had a point, yet out loud he said, "The least ya could have done is ask. And just so ya know, I won't accept a fancy wheelchair."
"Fine," Michaela shrugged, "It was to be donated once you won't need it anymore anyway. But don't forget to tell the nurses that you still don't have a wheelchair so they call the company again."
Sully didn't like that Michaela gave in so easily. He was ready for a longer argument and now she had taken the wind out of his sails. Yet he didn't have time to look for a new topic because her beeper went off. Already on her way to the door she said, looking back at him over her shoulder, "I'll be back after my shift. Please think about how you want to get to your apartment. Hank has offered his help, but you can use the hospital service as well. The latter is quite expensive though."