Jacob woke in a spasm of shock, derailing my thoughts for a moment as I watched him recover.
"You alright Jake?" He turned around, almost surprised to see me. A thin sheen of sweat covered his face, and his brown/red complexion somehow seemed pale.
"Yeah, I'm fine." He looked down at the ground "Bad dream." He grunted. I said nothing, not sure what to do. I felt like I was intruding, watching someone else's grief. "Charlie must be worried. We should get you home." He stood and held out his hand, a gesture for me to accept. I took his hand, not wanting to upset him and let him lead the way to my truck.
He didn't even ask to drive, he just took the wheel, and drove as fast as my ancient truck would allow.
Jake slowed the truck down until it came to a loud stop. I heard the engine backfire as he switched off the ignition. I peered through the darkness. Charlie wasn't home, the porch light wasn't on. "How're you going to get home Jake?" I asked, eyeing his bare chest and feet.
"I'm sure I'll manage." He forced his lips to turn out up at the corners. His attempt at a smile faded horribly.
"Oh Jake!" I wrapped my arms around him. I couldn't stand it when he was upset like this. I felt his warm arms curl themself around me, holding me closer, tighter. It was suddenly very silent. The quiet surroundings seemed to bang against my brain like a warning sign. Jakes chest expanded as he inhaled the scent of my hair. I had done it again. This moment was so different for him then it was for me. Pulling away would just make him feel miserable. So I held my ground and let him have his moment.
"How could you Bella?" He whispered suddenly, his voice that of disapproval, "how could you have such disregard for your life? Or are you that miserable that you couldn't bear it anymore? Is it me, do I make you miserable?" I could hear the sadness in his voice and the outbreak of a sob building up in his throat.
"What? Jake I don't know what you're talking about." Yet I did. I knew exactly what he was talking about. Cliff diving. Why did I always have to be so stupid? I always picked the wrong time to be reckless. Just as Jacob had said.
He didn't answer me, he just waited.
"I'm not miserable." I whispered. And it was the truth, I really wasn't. These past few weeks have been better.
"Bella, I need to tell you something," He moved out of our embrace yet still held my shoulders "I know I've told you this before, and I know you don't feel the same way, but. . ."
"Oh, Jake not this again."
"Just let me finish." He took a deep breath and continued. "Bella Swan, I love you. I love you more than anything in the entire world, more than my own life and all I want is to be with you, to make you happy and keep you safe. To hold you in my arms when you are afraid or upset, to stand by your side and say you are mine." His eyes filled with tears. My heart seemed to sink into my stomach. "It's all I want." He finished, looking down to hide his face.
His words stabbed into my chest like a dagger piercing my heart. Because I knew it was all true, and that I felt the same way about him. Well the first part anyway. I loved him. I was in love with him, and I too wanted him to be mine, all mine.
"Oh Jake, I love you too."
"But not in the same way, I know."
I leaned in again and hugged him close to me. All I needed to do was to turn my head just a little, just a fraction of an inch and kiss him on his shoulder. I knew exactly where it would lead; we wouldn't be grieving for Harry tonight. But was I ready? Could I really let go of the hallucinations, let go of all the memories, all of the beautiful moments with him? Because in the end, that was the only way I could be fair to Jacob. In that moment, when a deep sob broke from Jacob's chest and tears wet my hair, I knew that I could. It wouldn't be easy and it would take a bit of time, but I could, and I would. I took a deep breath and slowly pressed my lips to his shoulder.
"But that's where you're wrong Jake," I whispered. I heard his breath catch in a moment of confusion, "I love in the exact same way." There was a short moment of silence, neither of us breathed. Suddenly, Jake's arms twisted in my hair and he pressed his lips to mine with a force like no other. A force of pure passion. There was no way to think, Jake was everywhere. Our breathing sped as he pulled back slightly, kissing my jaw, then my neck and back to my lips.
This was the beginning. I was leaving something so wonderful, so beautiful behind. But beginning something different and not as strong in exchange. Although it was the beginning, it felt like the end.
Goodbye Edward, I thought to myself as Jacob carried me slowly inside.