Author's Note: All belongs to J K Rowling.

Feeling Stupid and Ugly

Holly knew people were whispering about her. She often felt eyes on her as she walked down corridors and when she was sat in class or in the dinning hall. It unnerved her, why was everyone so interested? She knew Lilly was dying to ask her if the rumours where true, but she was too polite.

It was the end of their first week and it was the last lesson on the Friday evening, the class was restless. James and Sirius were charming their ingredients to fly across the classroom and hit unsuspecting Slytherin students in the head, to differing results depending on the volatility of the ingredient. Professor Slughorn had caught them twice already, the third time he turned round to witness a handful of frogsspawn landing on Edwina Knotts head. She screamed.

'That's it!' screamed Slughorn, he waved his wand and the frogspawn magically disappeared. 'Twenty points each from Gryffindor and detention for a week. Potter you move here to the front and sit with Miss Evans, Miss King could you be so kind to move to the back with Black. If either of you two dare touch your wands for the next hour it will be detention for the next month!' With that he resumed writing instructions angrily on the chalk board, muttering the odd oath and the words 'ungrateful', 'rude' etc under his breath.

Lily and Holly sighed as the latter stood up to move. She didn't want to sit next to Black, he was very intimidating. She hoped he didn't try to talk to her. James looked like Christmas had come early; this wasn't a punishment but a reward.

Holly took her seat next to Black.

'I guess I'm on chopping' he said in a friendly tone, 'all the wand waving is up to you,' and he leant back in his chair all relaxed.

'Well I'll try my best,' she muttered not looking at him 'but I'm not very good at potions'.

Great he thought, usually it was either brains or beauty, this chick had neither. And so they progressed quietly, Sirius chopping and Holly wrestled with the recipe.

'What thee…stop!' Holly looked up shocked 'What are you doing?' Sirius exclaimed.

'Adding the Essence of Beatle'. She explained.

'Before the potions cooled, are you mad! Are you trying to blow us up?!' he asked again.

'I'm sorry' she started 'I'm very far behind'.

Behind!' he started, tact long forgotten. 'This is simple stuff, first years know not to do that.'

'I'm sorry' she said genuinely.

'Merlin's beard' he said leaning back and running his fingers through his hair, 'you said you were slow, but even Peter knows that!'

Why wasn't he dropping it? She started to feel angry and embarrassed tears stung her eyes.

'I never said I was slow…but… but this is my first year and I'm…I'm trying my best but there's so much to learn' she stumbled.

'What do you mean?' He asked suddenly interested, 'what do you mean this is your first year?'

'I haven't been to school before' she said simply.

'Yes I know that but you were home taught, that's no excuse?'

Why did she care what he thought? Why was she finding it so difficult to sit there with him looking at her as if she were retarded? She could stand it and she blurted it out before she could stop herself, forgetting that more information always led to more questions. 'My parents are muggles you idiot, I'm home schooled in muggle subjects. I've never done magic before!'

He looked at her dumbly, and then she could see his mind humming over what he had heard and trying to tie up the loose ends. He looked at her strangly as if he knew there was something she had left out.

'Oh'' he said slowly 'I'm sorry, I guess that makes sense why…' He trailed off and looked unsatisfied.

'Yes so anyway I'm trying my best, just keep an eye on me and tell me when I go wrong since you're wandless for the rest of class' said Holly trying to distract him.

'Okay' he said and he smiled but it was small and his eyes were else where. They worked in a amicable silence for the rest of the class until the bell rang.

As they were packing up, Sirius stopped and asked 'Holly, why didn't Dumbledore arrange something, I mean while you were living at home?'

She stared at him; she had already told him more than she had told anyone else other than Lily. She was shocked by his gall, did he think he was catching her out? Did he openly want to prove she was stupid?

'What?' Her tone made her anger obvious.

'I just…'

'You genuinely think I'm lying' she accused him.

No I just can't understand why Dumbledore…'

She cut him off, 'Fine you're right Sirius, I'm stupid, I'm thick as shit, and I made all that crap up about my family to prove to you that I wasn't retarded!' She was shouting now and a crowd was closing in around the fighting twosome.

'I didn't mean it like that!'

'You obviously did. What right do you have to ask me about my private life?'

'Now you're just overreacting!' he retorted.

'I'm overreacting? You're the one who won't let this drop. The talented Sirius Black has to swan around making everyone else feel inferior.' she wasn't quite sure where all these words were coming from, but she couldn't stop them pouring out of her mouth.

'Just because you don't know a cauldron from a carrot you don't have to get all angry with me.'

'You actually think I'm trying to cover something up you're such a arrogant jerk!'

'You're an idiot!'

'Oh this is grand coming from the prince of prats!'

'O fuck this, I'm wasting my breath, you're a stupid ugly bitch!'

There was silence. The both looked at each other.

'No Sirius' Holly said calmly. 'Fuck you' and with that she pushed through the group of students surrounding them and ran out of the room back to the safety of Gryffindor tower.

It was odd how his words stung her. She had endured worse, but they had no meaning then. They were just sounds that went with pummelling fists and hard feet and eventually the taste of blood. These words held nothing but the malice of an arrogant boy, yet they hurt deeply. They cut like all the words she had heard said about her round school. Ugly and Stupid? Such silly words they didn't mean anything really not said by someone like him. But these were her new people and more than anything she wanted to be accepted. She went to the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror, as she did so often these days. She was a fright.

At that moment Lily ran into the bathroom.

'Holly are you alright, I saw you run out of potions. Sirius said you had a fight with him'.

Holly didn't reply, she just stared at herself reflected in the glass.

'Holly, is that true?'

'He's a wanker.'

'What happened?'

'It doesn't matter. Do you think I'm ugly?'

'Is that what he said! Oh Holly don't listen to him, he's always saying vile things like that' Lily comforted.

'It's true though I am, but I didn't always look like this.' Holly was talking more to herself than anything. Lily felt uncomfortable and confused, she still knew hardly anything about Holly's life before Hogwarts.

'What do you mean?' Lily asked.

'Well my nose shouldn't be like this for a start, it's broken and hasn't been fixed properly, see?' She then pulled back her hair which usually shrouded her face. 'See this scar,' she pointed to one that ran level with the top of her ear to the base of her jaw. 'That shouldn't be there,' she then pointed to a large patch of different coloured skin on her neck, 'and this isn't just a birth mark. My hair was bright blonde and I wasn't skinny like this. You know i've never had a period. They're not sure if I ever will.'

'Holly, you're scaring me.'

Holly laughed, it felt good.

'Holly, are you alright?' Lily pleaded.

The hysterical laughs turned to tears in Holly's throat and she knelt down and pressed her knees against her chest. She felt Lily's arms around her, hugging her tightly and her mouth pressing kisses against here forehead. 'It'll be fine Holly, don't worry I'm here it will all be alright I promise.' Her friend repeated this over and over again as she rocked Holly in her arms.

It was two weeks into term and Holly was in the hospital wing having her weekly check up.

'Oh that's another pound, so that means you're seven stone nine.' Madame Pomfrey marked it on a chart. 'Still underweight, I would like it if you could gain at least another stone by Christmas '.

'I'll try' Holly reassured her.

'Well I'll just take your blood pressure and you can go.'

Holly had been trying to build up the courage to ask Madame Pomfrey, for a while now and just as she was about to leave she blurted out, 'Um Miss I was wondering if there is anything you can do about my nose?'

'Your nose?'

'Well you see it was broken but I never got it fixed and…'

'Miss Pomfrey raised her eyebrows, 'Well Holly the bone has been broken a long time, I can use magic but it will still hurt and I wont be able to get rid of all the swelling straight away. It's not affecting you is it?'

'No it's not, but it looks horrid and I don't mind about the pain, please' she begged.

'Okay sit on the bed'. She did, 'Close your eyes.' Madame Pomfrey patted her nose; she heard a crack and her nose filled with blood. The nurse did another incantation and the bleeding stopped 'Oh not nice at all' she muttered under her breath. She tapped Holly's nose again and then stuck a bandage over the bridge. 'Okay I'll just get rid of those black eyes,' and she clicked her wand again and added some ointment. She stood back and looked at her work, 'That looks fine, you'll be able to take off the bandage tomorrow before class and it should only be a little swollen'.

'Thank you' Holly grimaced, her nose aching 'Oh and Miss I thought you could give me something for my scars'.

Madame Pomfrey raised her eyebrows even higher this time, 'Well my dear I have salves that might help, but scars are odd things if not treated straight away. Don't get too hopeful', she said handing Holly a small tube. 'Scars have a habit of sticking to us like glue, they are a part of who you are, sometimes they can be quite comforting,' she said rubbing a small patch of skin on her elbow. With that she handed Holly a huge slab Honeydukes chocolate and ordered 'Eat!' she then left the ward without another word.

You know I never thought I could get sick of eating chocolate, Holly thought to herself.

'Ahh Miss King, good to see you. You look wonderful!' exclaimed Dumbledore as Holly entered his office.

'Thanks Professor'

'Please sit down and tell me how your lessons are going.'

'Well I think there going well, but I still have an awful lot to catch up on, especially theory.' Holy explained.

'I hear Miss Evans is helping you'.

'Yes she's been so kind'

'Good, she's a bright girl.'

'She is, I feel bad taking up so much of her time,' admitted Holly.

'Well you see this is one of the reasons I invited you to my office. I was going to suggest getting you some other tutors to help you with the more practical subjects like charms, transfiguration and potions. There is only so much you and Miss Evans can achieve in the library after all.'

Holly looked worried.

'Of course it is up to you,' added Dumbledore noticing her frown.

'I'm not sure professor, I mean I don't want them to laugh at me or tell their friends.'

'My utmost priority is that they would be prudent.' Dumbledore assured her.

Holly was pleased that Dumbledore wanted to help her but she was embarrassed all the same. He noticed and explained 'it is for the best Miss King, they would be discreet and it's entirely up to you what you tell them'.

'I guess,' she replied.

'Well there's no need to rush, you just think on it for the moment. The other reason I called you here is that I received an owl this morning which confirmed a date for the trail, it's the 14th of February. So you will have to meet with members of the Wizagmont before Christmas, however this shouldn't be too hard as I am a member. Furthermore we have discovered a storage container in Bristol under your step fathers name, it was filled in the summer of 73 just after you began moving…'

She interrupted, 'No I'm sorry I don't want any of it. I want to forget it. Burn it or something.'

'You can't forget who you once were Holly. It is what makes you who you are today. You have to take those bad experiences and shape them into something positive. I think you would find it cathartic, you could finally have a chance to say goodbye to your mother.'

'I don't need to. I'm fine, I'm healing.' She said trying to sound strong.

'No one expects you to recover this quickly Holly. It's no good papering over the cracks when you're still broken inside.' She could tell he was looking at her nose and her fading scars.

She closed her eyes and blinked back tears. Was she getting better? Or was the outside shell just a façade; just thin layer concealing her inner turmoil?

No, she was defiant 'I'm not trying to cover it up Professor. I'm just trying to restore myself, to the young girl I was before all this'. She could hear the weakness in her voice.

Dumbledore wasn't convinced, 'But Holly you must understand you can't go back. You can't become that seven year old girl again. Your childhood is gone. It isn't fair but we can't live in the past, it only hurt us more. You have seen more suffering than anyone your age ever should, but you must refuse to regress into it, you must embrace it. It is a part of you as much as your hands and feet, you must embrace it!' He finished and the old man looked tired.

'Why are you doing this?' Holly said hurt that Dumbledore would insist on raking over this ground again, bringing up memories she was trying so hard to suppress.

He looked dissapointed and he started slowly, 'The last thing I wanted to do was upset you. I just want you to take your time. I am unsure if returning to the school environment so soon after your ordeal was sensible… it's a lot to take in. Not just the work load, but your new powers and so much social interaction. I worry Holly. I worry that I made the wrong decision'.

'But I'm fine' Holly shrugged, 'I'm the happiest I've ever been!'

For the second time that day Dumbledore didn't look convinced.

Author's Note: As always, please review!