Author's Note: J K Rowling owns all. Sorry for the wait, I have no worthwhile excuses.

Caro Diario

Eventually Holly began to establish some sort of routine. She found habit suited her well; perhaps it was merely stability she had been craving all this time? The days were full to the brim with routine. Run, breakfast, lessons, lunch, lessons, extra study, dinner, more study, sleep. It was perfect. She had made a few friends. She knew the girls in her dorm and she was fast becoming good friends with Lily. Lily had always been a bit of an outsider amongst her peers, preferring to study in the library with her friend Severus Snape. Holly had met him a couple of times, he didn't speak much and neither did she so consequently they got along fine. She was rapidly blending into the walls of Hogwarts, no longer the new girl but embedded within the building as much as the ancient portraits and shifting stairways. The fight with the notorious Sirius Black had not helped her quest for anonymity. But she had avoided him since and had reprimanded herself for being so forthcoming and emotional with strangers. It must havebeen something in the air that day which brought out her boldness. But teenagers forgot quickly, there was always new gossip. She was merely the odd looking girl who started in third year. She still had regular check-ups in the hospital wing and twice monthly meetings with Dumbledore, which were exhausting but at the same time liberating. She was learning quickly, still behind, but she was confident she would have covered all her first year by Autumn Term. Of course it wasn't quite as simple as it sounded. There were blue days, days when Holly felt so isolated from everything and everyone at Hogwarts that she couldn't stand it. Her body would itch and no matter how hard she clawed at her skin it would not slacken its hold on her body. She would tenderise her skin till it was red raw and close to ribbons and still it itched. She sometimes dreamt her skin was aflame with black beetles and the more she tore open her flesh the more they pored forth. Her imagination plagued her at night and Lily often commented on her dark circles and sunken cheeks at breakfast. But it was to be expected, memories so dark don't just vanish into happiness. Lily tried desperately to impregnate Holly's secret fortress, but as much time as she spent with Holly she still felt there was so much she didn't know. After the bathroom incident, Holly had returned from the hospital wing with her nose straighter than before. After that the wall of unsaid secrets had become thicker and Lily was at a loss on how to tactfully breech it. She knew the bare essentials, Holly was forbidden to go to Hogwarts by her parents but when her mother died of cancer very recently Holly was then free to attend. Wizards do not have to attend Hogwarts but most do. That's why Holly wasn't approached by the ministries board of education. Holly was now an orphan and her step father was currently incarcerated for undisclosed reasons. The whole story was holey but Lily could tell that it was all Holly was willing to tell her at this point and even that had taken a lot of trust. However the bathroom incident was three weeks ago now and they still had not spoken of it since, conversation topics remained fluffy, light and inconsequential.

Holly felt her head clear of all her worries as the sharp wind hit her face. It was amazing how physically and mentally adaptable the human body was. The first run had been pure hell, he legs had felt like jelly and her muscles had ached and her bones creaked. Yet now she couldn't imagine starting the day without her morning run. The other girls in her dorm thought she was mad getting up at six to run laps. Nevertheless Holly would gladly sacrifice her sleep for the solitary slopes of Hogwarts, just her and the majestic turrets and buttresses of the ancient castle; her savoir. Sometimes there were other students who would nod if they passed her, it was all very amicable and mugglelish (if that was a word). You didn't need a wand to run. She always headed out of the great hall turned right ran around the lake then up to the forbidden forest, along it's boarder until she reached Hagrid'scabin. Often she would pop in to give Fang a rub have a cup of tea with the large man. Hagrid was always up at this time and usually had a pot of tea brewing specially for the occasion.

'He wants me to have student tutors!' she moaned.

'Surly that's a good thing Holly?' No answer. 'I mean whose he asked?' Hagrid tried again.

'Remus Lupin for Charms.'

'Nice boy.'

'Severus Snape for Potions.'

'He's quiet, but he's Lily's friend so you'll know him already.'

'And Sirius 'Knob-head' Black for Transfiguration.'

'Oh I see, take it you don't like him.'

'He's…' She couldn't think of the word, so she made an angry sound instead.

'I guess he's a bit cocky, but he's a good lad really,'reasoned Hagrid.

'Hmpfff,' snorted Holly, 'I despise him!'

'Oh Okay' said Hagrid, he found it difficult to understand angry teenage girls.

They drank their tea for a bit in silence then Hagrid piped up.

'You should take the help Holly, Dumbledore's trying to help you, be a bit ungrateful if you were to throw it back in his face.'

She looked hurt, then disappointed 'Yeh I know you're right.'

'We all got pride, but sometimes you have to shelve it'.

'Oh crap, what have you done to me Hagrid!' she shouted exasperated but playful. 'You and your wisdom!'

'Eh me? You knew all along you'd have to accept the help. You just wanted to complain about it for a bit,' he said smiling.

''You think you know me that well?' she questioned then grinned 'You're probably right though, I just want to rant about that fuck head Sirius Black.'

'Oi, Language!' Hagrid protested. To think he had thought her a meek little lamb, but she had a temper and a tongue.

'Just getting it out of my system,' said Holly innocently.

'Another cuppa?' He offered.

'No thanks I better get going, Lily said she'd go over the eighteen uses of the Mandrake Root with me before first period.'

She drained her cup said her goodbyes and existed the small hut. She then turned back towards the lake. She felt alive with the wind whistling through her hair; working loose long tendrils from her hair band and sending them whipping around her face. In the distance she saw a lone figure sitting alone under a tree; her tree; her favourite spot. It was a he and that he was reading something and the he was a certain Sirius Black. Usually she might have stopped there, stopped to breath in the beauty, but he was there. She carried on, cursing Sirius Black.

He was zoned out; his eyes stared blankly at the letter held weakly between his fingers. If he was that sort, he might of cried. But he wasn't. He was suddenly aware of the sound of pounding feet against earth. He looked towards the entrance hall and saw a student taking a morning run, a delicate figure against the frosty morning sun. Crazy people he thought up at this time when they could be warm in bed, not realising the irony.

Holly met Lily in the great hall for breakfast. She hadn't had time to dry her hair and she had it pulled off her face in a tight bun. It was odd seeing so much of her face; it was now Lily noticed how much better her new friend was looking. Her cheeks still slightly flushed from her run and her eyes bright.

'Whats the fattiest thing on the menu this morning?' asked Holly, it had become a little joke between the two of them.

'Croissants with butter and chocolate spread,' suggested Lily.

'No fry up?' said Holly in mock disappointment.

They both laughed. Holly began to pour herself a cup of coffee.

'Good Run?' asked Lily.

'Yeh, I stooped at the hut and had a cup of tea with Hagrid.'

'It's nice that you've become so close,' commented Lily.

'He was a good friend to me over the summer, he told me to go ahead with the tutoring.'

'See, just like I said.' Lily could be so self-righteous sometimes she thought.

'I know you were both right.' admitted Holly.

'You know he's not that bad.'

Holly gave Lily a stern look.

'Okay, okay I agree he's an arrogant pig but what else am I supposed to say!' Lily looked indignant, 'Nevertheless Remus is really nice and you know Sev, he's a sweetie really.' Sweetie is not a word Holly thought she would ever be using to describe Severus Snape. 'Dumbledore picked them because they're the best in the year in those particular subjects' Lily added begrudgingly.

'I know, I'm going to feel so stupid,' moaned Holly.

The mail arrived and Holly scanned the Prophet while Lily read a letter from her sister, Pertunia.

'He was outside sitting by the lake this morning' said Holly, absentmindedly.

'Who?' asked Lily, confused.

'Sirius, he looked sad he was reading a letter it was odd.'

'Strange, wonder what it was about?'

'Dunno, I was surprised you only usually see a couple of joggers, not people sitting on the wet ground in the morning cold.'

'He gets a lot of howlers perhaps he intercepted his owl and went to open it where no one would hear, that's what I would do,' said lily adding quickly 'If I ever got one, that is.'

'Maybe,' said Holly, she didn't like speculating about other people's private life, as she knew how much it pissed her off when people did it to her.

'It's so embarrassing when they go off in the hall, his mums a proper pure blood nutcase,' whispered Lily.

Poor Sirius thought Holly and then inwardly scolded herself for thinking such treacherous thoughts.

'Hi Holly, I'm sorry I'm late!'

'Hi,' she muttered.

'I was in the library and I totally lost track of time, have you been waiting long?' asked Remus Lupin.

'Ten minutes.' She said, inwardly cursing herself at how rude her short answers sounded.

'Oh, I'm really sorry', he searched for the words 'I won't do it again, promise'. He laughed nervously, god this was awkward thought Holly.

'Well this is a bit awkward,' he spoke her thoughts. 'I've never done tutoring before, what do you need help with?'

'Urm, this chapter here,' she pointed to chapter 6: Defensive Charms. 'I missed this bit'.

'Yeh, Dumbledore said, you missed quite a lot of school…' he trailed off.

She smiled, why say any more, everyone had their theories on where she had been. She would let them indulge their own fantasies.

'Well let's get started'

The time past quickly and she was surprised that a full two hours had past when Remus told her they should head back to the common room before curfew.

Once they left the classroom the silence was palpable. Without the common subject of learning to keep them occupied conversation dried up quickly.

'You're really good at charms,' Holly tried, her mouth dry.

'Thanks it's my favourite subject.'

Silence

'Dumbeldore said you were the best in the year.'

He blushed, 'Oh I don't know about that.'

More silence.

'So are you looking forward to our first Hogsmead weekend?' he volunteered.

'Yeh sounds good, have you been before?' Questions she thought its all about questions, the essence of conversation. Questions equal responses.

'Yeh, but not officially' he said. He grinned, it made her happy. There was something so likable about Remus Lupin. He wasn't intimidating at all, the way he stood there failing to look cool while hinting about his late night trips with the Marauders.

'They have a huge Zonkos and a Honeydukes, where they sell every flavour of Bertie Botts Beans ever made!' Remus said more animated now.

She tried to look excited, she had a rough idea what these things were but she wasn't quite sure.

'It sounds great. I hope there's a pub!' and then not wanting to sound like an alcoholic she added 'I really want to try butterbeer again, I had some the last time I was in the leaky cauldron. It was really nice.'

He gave her an odd look and then noted the large cross hanging around her neck, and remembered the thing she said before about her religious family. Temperance people, he thought.

'They have a couple of pubs the best is The Three Broomsticks, the landlady's really nice,' he went a little red.

Holly smirked. They arrived in the common room it was pretty busy.

The Marauders were by one of the large red sofas. She glanced at Sirius Black; his arms were outstretched resting along the back of the sofa and his head was thrown back. The posture was relaxed yet staged. He looked like a picture in a glossy magazine, so perfect yet false. Layla was sitting next to him and Jessica was perching on the arm rest next to her friend, they were both chatting way but Sirius didn't look as if he was listening at all. James was on the other side doing tricks with his snitch and Peter was looking on, clapping manically with every catch.

'Well, I'll see you later then,' said Remus, 'next week, same place, same time?'

'Yes, Thanks for giving up your free time,' she said.

'No worries,' he reasured her.

'See you round!' she called after him, feeling a little embarrassed by her outburst of enthusiasm.

She scanned the room for Lily. She was by herself reading a book. She caught her eye and waved and joined her friend.

'Sooo… come on give me details!' Pleaded Lily.

'Like what?' asked Holly surprised at how swoony Lily was being.

'Like really how good is he at charms?'

'Oh' said Holly, suddenly realising what Lily meant by 'details'.

'How was his wand technique?'

At this Holly struggled extremely hard to keep a straight face.

She opened the cover and wrote:

The Secret Diary of Holly King.

It looked right. She turned the page and she wrote Dearand then stopped. Dear who? Anne Frank wrote to Kitty, but that didn't feel right. Dear diary that would be the proper thing. Journal? No that was too formal. Perhaps she could name it? Lawrence? No, not male, Clara or Geraldine? No they were crap; she'd always liked the name Scarlett. But that too was wrong; her diary was no wanton red head. Dumbledore had told her to write for herself, letters to herself, taking her inner feelings and venting them outward. Releasing them; freeing them. Giving them actuality through the printed word. So they became tangible things rather than spectres of another time.

Dear Holly, aged 6, she began.

If I had known you then how I know you now, would I tell you? Would I tell you how you died?

She stopped. It wasn't time. She nearly tore out the page but she hesitated and closed the diary and shoved it under her bed. For another time she thought. She wasn't ready, not to commit it to paper. She could say it into the air on a rainy day or whisper it into her pillow in the safety of an empty dormitory but she wasn't ready to release it on the stark grainy page.

'Oh' was all Lily said when Holly confided in her the whole gruesome tale. It seemed appropriate. Lily had finally asked outright and Holly almost felt like she wanted to tell her, tell anyone. Perhaps it was out of respect for Lily as a friend or maybe it was just to see her colour change, the pink ruddy flesh change to dappled white. To see the horror in Lily's eyes to see them widen with each account of abuse, to see the brightness of childhood innocence dim with each tale of violence. Is this why Gerald enjoyed it she thought? At first Lily's emerald eyes had brimmed over with inexperience, clouded with optimism and expectation, now they looked stale like black dots lying dead in their sockets.

Holly felt cruel; she could have told it nicer. She could have spared her the details. It wasn't enough, but it felt good to have another person share the weight of her burden.

'Don't you dare treat me any different,' snapped Holly when she had finished.

Lily had shaken her head, she opened her mouth to speak but all that came out was the small strangled 'Oh'. Her eyes were damp, she felt like a child. She remembered the day when she was about seven and she had watched a program about the Holocaust and cried for hours, wishing she could somehow change the past. She had felt guilty later when an ice cream and a game of scrabble had helped dry the tears. The bunkers of Auschwitz long forgotten with the simple glee of being a carefree child. She could cry for Holly, but the pain was obtuse it would slacken and then become nothing more than a story which had once made her teary. For Holly it was real, it was more than a sorry tale it was her life. It was a silly way to think, but Lily would always feel guilty for only offering Holly tears and pity.

Author's note: Please review, it would be much appreiciated. Thanks.