Author's Note: Another Update! Just a note of caution, this entry contains/ alludes to drug abuse. If you don't like it don't read it. Oh and as always the essential disclaimer... JK owns everything.

The Holly and the Ivy

Dear Little Lost Holly,

Do you miss your mother? I've been thinking about her recently. I've been thinking about her body? Naked, emaciated and decayed… cold to the bones. Those Yorkshire Moors, what a place to bury her! Remember we were scared of the Moors, the dumping grounds of child killers. It seems appropriate place as any; he as good as killed her, keeping her from the doctors, plying her with strong spirits and morphine to stop her screams. Remember the syringes; you should have been playing with dolls not needles. You should have been making rice crispy cakes with mother, not helping the dope head with her next fix. No that isn't fair, she was sick. She was a sick bitch. Didn't you ever just want to get the needle and rather than insert it gently into her fat vein get the end and shove it through her black heart? You didn't? I did. But I wanted to do more, sometime when the spoon was hot the dark liquid molten didn't you just want to take it to her flesh. Burn holes in it, like she did to you with the end of her cigarette. Flick. Flick. She always felt bad though didn't she, always felt remorse, always gave you a hug, then a drag and if you were lucky some brandy mixed in with the milk. Do you miss your mother? Like hell, every day.

X

At first the quietness of the castle was a relief, but the novelty of the empty corridors soon wore off. She had grown accustomed to the crowded halls and noisy common rooms. She hadn't realised that she had almost grown fond of people and company. Luckily Svetlana was staying at Hogwarts for the holidays; her mother had recently remarried and was touring Europe with her muggle toy boy, Jerome. Svetlana as always was unreadable, but seemed to be taking the whole thing in her stride;

'My mother's always been a bit like that' she said 'but my half sister is two years above us at Hogwarts so we will keep each other company, you're more than welcome to hang out with us.' Holly accepted the invitation gladly, hoping they're closeness wouldn't make her too jealous.

Lily had sent her an owl early in the holiday, asking Holly to go to Diagon Alley with her a couple of days before Christmas so they could do any remaining shopping. Holly didn't mention that she didn't have anyone to buy for she just thought it would be nice to get out, it really was very sweet of Lily to offer. Dumbledore gladly agreed to the excursion and arranged a portkey for her.

Holly arrived in The Leaky Cauldron by the pool table at exactly 12.30. Lilly was sitting at a nearby table she quickly jumped up, ran over to Holly and gave her a tight squeeze.

'Let's go shopping!' she squealed. It was really lovely to see her.

As much as they were opposites, Holly couldn't help but be drawn in by Lily's excitement, she smiled widely, 'It's lovely to see you, I've missed you.'

Lily positively beamed; she had felt the two become distant recently.

They had been shopping for at least an hour and bought a few things but mostly they had wandered the pretty street that were done up to look like a gingerbread town. It was breathtaking and really warmed her heart. Holly had never associated Christmas with anything but alcohol and Jesus and she was surprised that fake snow and gaudy tinsel could make her so happy.

'I have an idea!' said Lily, Holly was surprised it was unlike Lily to be spontaneous.

'What?'

'Let's get your hair done!'

'Oh I don't know Lils' said Holly reluctantly.

'Oh don't be silly, you've been saying for ages you need to get to a hairdresser, no time like the present!'

Holly shuffled her feet uncomfortably and bit her lip.

'Holly you've done so well look at all the weight you've gained. You're a pretty girl but I can't see you under all that,' Lily tried to persuade her.

'I don't really want people to see' she admitted.

'You're being ridiculous!' cried Lily, Holly was finding some new found respect for her friend it wasn't like Lily to force her into anything. Perhaps she was rubbing off on her she thought pleased with herself. Lily continued, 'I have listened to you say so many times that you're going to cut it all off'

'Hold on, I never said that,' Holly protested.

'You'd look great with a pixie cut!'

'Whoa girl, one step at a time' laughed Holly.

'It's now or never' said Lily.

'Oh go on, lead the way!' said Holly finally caught up in the excitement.

Perhaps Lily was correct, even though she hated to admit it. She had been really pleased with her magical nose job. It had healed perfectly, the scars where slowly vanishing and she felt herself healing up the wounds and purging herself of every last bit of Gerald Fedra. But Dumbledore's words still echoed in her head, was she just papering over the cracks? The fissures within her young body were deep and unseen; living beneath her skin was a labyrinth of dark secrets. Also even though her hair was the main reason she was so relentlessly teased, it was somehow comforting. It was a wall; it stopped people getting to close. She was labelled weird; people didn't look past the heavy bangs and see the desolate icy eyes underneath. If they looked closer would they read the story etched into her skin?

'So, what would you like me to do? asked Madame Silvie, looking at Holly's tresses with disgust.

'Urm well I don't mind as long as the black goes.' Replied Holly simply.

'Thank goodness!' Cried Madame Silvie, 'Well we will keep it long I think, if I cut it all off your face may look a little severe. I can strip it back to its natural colour, and I think, yes… you would suit it a bit wavy a bit big. Make up for the fact your soo skinny!' Holy wasn't sure if she liked Madame Silvie.

Holly sat there for what seemed like hours, true her hair was long, but weren't these people magic?

'Oh my dear you look so different, the ugly duckling has turned into a swan' and with that Madame Silvie held up the mirror.

Holly gasped it was such a transformation. Her hair was restored to white blond and it fell thick and lustrous in soft waves to the small of her back. Her skin no longer looked corpse like against the black tar that fell into her eyes. It was swept off her face and complimented her chiselled bone structure and large features. Her eyes shone, no long veiled by her curtain of black hair. No longer did she look like some angst-ridden teenage Goth, she looked how she wanted to feel inside; happy and confident. Perhaps a bit too 80's prom queen at the moment, Madame Silvie was a little too attached to her strong hold hairspray. She wouldn't flatten it down a bit latter.

'I love it!' she gasped, behind her Lily was tearing up.

After comforting Lily, who insisted she was crying because she was so happy, Holly paid quickly and left the shop even quicker. Madame Silvie was trying to sell them ridiculously expensive hair products.

'Two galleons, for some hair serum, she's metal!' exclaimed Holly when they were safely out of ear shot in the next street.

'Let's go to The Leaky Cauldron for a pint before we go home?' suggested Lily.

'I can get that for you Lily,' they heard a voice from behind, it was the ever persistent James Potter.

'Ignore him, c'mon Holly' said Lily.

Holly gave him a weak smile but he hardly saw his eyes were staring after her friends red tresses.

'Bit harsh Lils, I mean it's the season to be jolly and all that jazz.'

'Hmpff' replied Lily. They found a table in a corner of the pub and Lily went to the bar.

At this point James Potter and Remus Lupin walked in, on seeing Remus Holly smiled broadly, 'Remus!' she shouted and waved. He looked at her strangely as if trying to place her and then he did a double take.

'Holly?' he asked disbelievingly taking a step towards her.

'Yeh!' she said confused then it dawned on her; the hair. 'Don't look so shocked' she said casually 'I just got it put back to my natural colour.' What a hypocrite she thought, she had been close to tears back in Madame Silvies and now she was acting like it wasn't a big deal.

'Wow' said Remus literally speechless 'You look so different, you look great.'

She didn't quite no what to say, she hadn't really ever received compliments on her looks, except 'What a pretty girl' when she was about five. It felt weird especially coming from Remus, whose opinion she very much cared about.

'Hey James, you know Holly right?' he said to his friend.

'Erm I don't think so' he said hardly looking at her, he hadn't been listening; instead he was looking nervously at Lily's back.

'Nice to meet you' he said shaking her hand carelessly, then suddenly it dawned on him too, 'Holly King!' he said flabbergasted 'Jesus, you look….normal' he finished badly.

'Thanks' she said unsure if that was good or bad.

'Ignore him' said Remus lightly 'his head isn't in the right place when a certain someone's around.'

'Hey' said Remus 'is it alright if we join you for a drink… but I better let you know Sirius will be here soon?' He checked first knowing their relationship could be volatile.

'No that's fine; it would be nice to catch up.' She answered.

'Right I'll be back in a minute, Butterbeer James?' James nodded silently, he was an odd boy she thought. Remus turned to go, and then he stopped. He touched her lightly on the arm, 'Seriously Holly, you look amazing' and with that he was gone, she knew she was blushing.

Lily was mad when she returned to find James sat at their table,

'Be nice' warned Holy testily, he really didn't seem that bad, bit gormless but that was all.

'Fine' said Lily through gritted teeth 'James how have your holidays been?'

He was so surprised to be spoken to cordially by her that he nearly fell of his chair.

Remus joined them shortly, which eased the tension a bit, he was quite good friends with both Lily and Holly, as he too had a soft spot for the library.

Very soon Sirius joined them, he wrapped his arms around his two friends shoulders, shaking them a bit 'Missed me?' he shouted, it wasn't a question.

'Hi Evans!' he boomed followed by 'who's your friend?' Holly had put her head down the moment he entered, she felt oddly exposed and she definitely didn't like it, not in front of Sirius anyway. At this point she looked up.

'FUCK ME!' he shouted loudly, an old lady or it may have been a hag sitting at the next table tutted disapprovingly.

He then collected himself, 'I mean you look okay.'

Very soon the conversations started to flow easily. Lily seemed to be enjoying herself, which was nice to see. And once James relaxed a bit Holly could tell he was actually far from gormless. James and Sirius played against each other like only the best of friends could. Their relationship was really rather lovely, which was the only way Holly could think to put it. Holly remained oddly silent, she felt different, she felt they were treating her differently, especially Sirius. If he wasn't taking the piss out of her she really didn't have much to say to him.

When it reached five, Holly got up to go, 'better catch my portkey' she explained. All the boys waved and wished her a Happy Christmas. Lily got up quickly and gave her a tight hug and then explained she better head off, she didn't fancy being left alone with the naughtiest boys in Hogwarts. James offered to walk her home, but she refused.

'Happy Christmas!' Holly waved with one hand and placed her other on a dingy egg cup that pulled her by the navel back to Hogwarts.

Christmas day was better than she expected. Lily sent her a book on Charms, but she also sent her a Ramones LP which was pretty unexpected and thoughtful. Svetlana had painted her a picture of a unicorn. It was really well done and it moved about and everything. Svetlana didn't believe in buying presents. Holly had bought her in return a string necklace covered in bright beads and a smiley badge, which was as close to handmade as she could achieve. Dumbledore gave her more books and Hagrid gave her a big box of Honeyduke's chocolate.

She spent most of the day with Svetlana and her sister Alexandra, they frolicked in the snow and joked that she was their third sister as she now had her white blond hair back. Their mother was part Veela and it was clearly visible in her two daughters. Holly had always heard Veela's had awful tempers but these two were extremely laid back. They were both a bit odd, almost otherworldly and it was clear they were still trying to live the hippie lifestyle of the 60's. Holly thought it was a bit absurd; she herself had grown tired of the hypocrisy of the flower child generation. With all the bad stuff going on in both of her worlds, she couldn't understand how sitting around thinking about peace was going to do anything. However she envied their optimism.

After dinner they headed down to Holly's favourite spot and sat down on a red tartan blanket to protect them from the snow. Alexandra took out a spliff and began to smoke it, Svetlana asked for a drag, but her sister refused saying she was too young. Svetlana as per usual was unfazed, she simply shrugged and lay back to watch the stars. Holly was quite content, flagged on either side by two girls who had gone out of their way to treat her like family all day, in her favourite spot under a blanket of stars and the heady smell of pot and burning paper swimming around her head.

Dear Little Lost Holly

Remember that Christmas? Remember? When you were eight. Mum was in high spirits spinning you round singing the Holly and the Ivy. She was drunk on cheap red wine and half a bottle of bourbon. Her breath was rancid and stale, but then you were used to that. She was swinging you round and round, the Holly and the Ivy, the Holly and the Ivy, the Holly and the Fucking Ivy. He gave her a firm backhand remember, it came out of nowhere. She fell, she hit her head and you kept on singing. Singing and crying. Crying and singing. Remember the turkey? She even did stuffing that year and roasties. The gravy was runny and bland; she was never a good cook. I remember that turkey, dry and practically incinerated. It was a good Christmas, wasn't it. X

Author's Note: The bits in italics are the diary entries that Holly was advised to write by Dumbledore. Hope you liked them! Please Review!