Author's Note: All similarities to Twin Peaks and SDOLP are intentional. The property of David Lynch and his daughter Jennifer. J K owns quite a bit too. This chapter is ridiculously long; I just got a bit carried away. Oh and I changed a date in chapter 10, Sirius' and Holly's exchange over the diary went from being somewhere in 5th year to the end of. It just made more sense. Enjoy! x

Kickstart My Heart

Still the summer of 1979, Sixth Year.

Dear Little Lost Holly,

It upsets me so to know I am no threat to him. I've tolerated him for to long, invading my mind stealing my innocence, my sleep. He knows my dreams, he laughs. He thinks I'm dirty. I try to accept that I am bad and dirty and cheap and should be thrown to the snakes. As if it were a religion, I have chanted to myself, I have begged, and taunted, and almost prayed for him to arrive, and he has not. I have an incredible headache from trying to think of his weaknesses, but I am at a loss. I believe that if I do not sleep soon, I shall begin seeing him everywhere.

I am lonely here, and find myself thinking about Remus who I know would hold me in his arms the way I can't imagine anyone else doing.

X

Dear Little Lost Holly,

It was your fifth birthday, she'd made a cake and they bought you a doll, she was fat and ugly and her floppy body was made of sponge. The plastic arms and legs stuck into the sponge with sharp wires. Her eyes didn't shut, she liked to watch. Her head fell off, remember the disfigured body, the babies head impaled on a metal spike. Gerald got all mad, he said it disturbed him; he threw the doll in the bin. That image sticks clearly in my head now; you would have been too young to understand the horror of it; the plastic staring head meeting the silver wire. Every time I imagine it I make the image worse, the doll becomes more life like, the eyes move and her lips are puckered and interwoven with barbed wire; the iron spike is red with blood and glowing. I don't know why my mind does that, I wish it wouldn't. It means what he say is true. He's laughing again, he's won again. BAD BITCH. He got me to write that down. I have a headache.

X

'Have you thought about it?'

'No' she replied, her tone bored. It wad mid afternoon and Holly was sitting with Severus in their usual dungeon.

'But …'

'I told you last week Sev, no means no'

But I thought you might….'

'Come around? Well I didn't.'

So you're with them?' he sneered.

'No.'

'Who's side then?'

'My side.'

'That's not an option.'

'I'll support whatever side wins. Why would I get myself blown up in some stupid war that I don't care about?'

'The Dark Lord can't be denied Holly.' He warned. She hated it when he was like this.

'Oh there you go with that lordy lordy bullshit, blah blah blah I'm bored'

'Holly, you shouldn't speak of him like that,' he said ominously, she gave him an apathetic look and began searching through the old manuscript that lay in front of her.

'But you love this stuff'' he said gesturing to the table littered with books on dark magic.

She looked at him simply and said honestly, 'Severus, I do like this stuff, I think it's fun, nothing more nothing less.'

'Then surely Holly you see the logic, Voldemort is promising us a free hand, opening the doors to the dark art.'

'And when he wins I will crucio to my hearts content, but Sev, I'm an opportunist, a survivor. If the time comes and decisions have to be made I'll either take a long holiday abroad or I'll pick the side most likely to triumph. The only fight I'm fighting right now is my own.'

He changed tactic, 'Maybe if you just came to the meeting, I know you'd like it.'

'Why are you pushing this?'

'I ….just think you should give it try.'

'What's in it for you?'

'Nothing, as a friend…'

He never called her that, she was suspicious and interrupted, 'What the fuck is in this for you?'

He faltered, 'The Dark Lord has been encouraging us to recruit others, an army in his honour.'

'So basically I'm a quota?' she stated badly.

'Of course not, it's not anything like that,' he stammered.

'Well if you think I'm going to get that cattle brand on my arm and come to that power hungry pricks beck and call so he can have a dispensable army at his fingertips you've got another thing coming. Case closed.'

'Fine, back to work,' he said nervously, fidgeting with his jumper. She spotted the corner of the fresh tattoo, he saw her eyes linger on it and he pulled his jumper down. She smiled; he had yet to learn the Death Eater's art of concealment. 'So did you finally get branded with all the other minions this weekend?' she said as if he'd merely been on summer camp.

'Don't make is sound like a cattle market, it's a badge, a standard of our support for the cause.'

Holly pulled a bored face, 'Oh just shut up will the mantra and bullshit, show me!'

Bashfully he showed her the tattoo; she faintly felt she could still smell the aroma of fresh ink and blood. The notorious skull and serpent: the symbol of ultimate evil. She thought if she ever met Voldemort and had a death wish she would tell him his death mark was beyond cliché.

The edges of the mark were red and blotchy. She ran her fingers across the new ink, she pressed a little harder and he winced. The tattoo bulged and distorted under the pressure of her finger. Then suddenly she grabbed his arm, she pressed her palm down hard and wrapped her fingers vice like around his left forearm.

'Stop it Holly.'

'Hurts, doesn't it? Now you listen to me Severus Snape, this thing is about you. I want no part in this folly. I'm fed up of listening to you talk about this damned war,' she snarled.

'You're naïve' he said trying to shake free of her grip.

'Have you thought for one moment what this will do to your friends, Lily for example?' she said crushing her hand down on the raw skin.

'They will be made to except, they will see the truth… the benefits' he spat out through gritted teeth. 'Eventually they will understand what we did, what we put them through was for the best.' She let go of her grip, he clutched his arm to his chest. There was a clear red mark and deep crevices where her nails had sunk into his flesh unbeknownst to her. Often her rage clouded everything.

'Trust me they won't. Lily's a good person; she won't lay down her morals for her own life. And anyway she's muggle born; she wouldn't even get a chance.'

'He is merciful, if someone renounces their ways, they will be forgiven. It will be difficult for mudbloods, however those who repent shall be spared.' It sounded rehearsed and recited; words without meaning.

'Is that all Lily deserves, to be spared?'

'Well I didn't quite mean it like that.'

'And I'm the one who's supposed to be naïve.' She shut her eyes and rested them for a second, the joy of seeing nothing but colours. She felt calm again, she looked at him head on, 'Sev, I'm muggle born.'

'I know, but you're not like them.'

'I wish I was.'

Severus had grown more and more irritating as the year past, the lessons she had once looked forward to had become convoluted and preachy; they reminded her of Gerald's makeshift sermons. There were always new gods, new religion and new hypocrisy. There was no escaping it. She walked across the grounds for a good twenty minutes, clearing her head until she found a suitable place to rest.

It was a shady spot on the parameter of the forbidden forest. She was technically breaking school rules just by being there so she decided to break another. She took out a spliff and began drinking from the secret bottle of Firewhisky. It burnt her throat. Perhaps this wasn't the best way of dealing with her problems but it was something.

'Hello Darling.'

'Hello Sirius.'

'Lovely weather, eh?'

'The best.'

'Got one for me?'

'Be my guest.'

'Ready rolled - my favourite.'

'It's a way to fill the time.'

'What's the problem?'

'Nothing.'

'Forbidden Forest, weed and…' he sniffed dramatically, 'whisky. Looks like a problem to me.'

'How did you know I was here?'

'I've been practising Quidditch, I saw you from above.'

'Did I look like I wanted company?' She said half-heartedly.

'Maybe you don't want it, but it looks like you need it. Go on give me the bottle.'

'I don't know what you're talking about,' she said evenly.

'You smell like an old man, I know about the bottle, I don't know anyone who doesn't. Worst kept secret in Hogwarts.'

She begrudgingly handed it over, expecting him to confiscate it, but he took a swig instead. 'You think you're always one step ahead don't you Hol? One step ahead of all these fuckers, people aren't blind and unfortunately they can smell.'

'Fuck you!' she snapped.

'Gladly.'

They smoked silently for a couple of minutes, 'C'mon, what's up Holly?'

'It's not important.'

'It's easier if you just tell me, I won't leave you alone otherwise.'

She gave him a please piss off look, the kind one gives irritating younger siblings, then she sighed, admitting defeat, 'Oh nothing, I don't know, my head, this war, your head, it's all fucked up.'

'Heavy' he said raising an eyebrow.

'Fuck off,' she said laughing and smacking him lightly on the arm. The contact felt foreign after all this time. She took a long drag and her face became serious, she looked around nervously, 'I just don't want to go back there, okay?'

He knew exactly what she was referring to, St Stephan's Orphanage, 'I'll visit more,' he offered.

'It's not that.'

'Is it really that bad?'

'No, Yes, Oh I don't know! It's that whole place…it fucks with my head,' she said pressing her hands to her temples.

'You can stay with me.'

'No,' she replied sharply.

'You know I'm going to keep asking.' It wasn't a question.

'We'd kill each other.'

'I think…'

'Sirius don't… please.' she couldn't bare to listen, why did he always want to talk.

He stopped, why did it always come to this, down on his knees begging her to come with him?

'Why don't I take you out tonight?' he said changing the subject for a bit.

'Out?' she said raising an eyebrow.

'Hogsmead, The Flaming Cauldron, you and me?'

'You gonna show me the town Sirius Black?'

'If you want me to.'

She laughed, 'Perhaps we should get some people together, make a proper night of it' she suggested.

His smile faded, she pretended not to notice. It was dangerous for her to be alone with Sirius at the moment; she was feeling weak and vulnerable. She couldn't play any more, the snow was lying thin.

'Yeh sure, I know Remus will want to come.' Did he say that bitterly? It always puzzled her how much Sirius and Remus knew about each others mutual relationship with her.

'I'll ask the girls.' She offered.

'Try and persuade Lily, James would be chuffed.'

'I'll try' said Holly feebly, she knew she wouldn't.

'I think you should move in with me this Summer.' He tried again.

'Sirius, please, we've wasted hours on this conversation,' she begged.

'You can have your own room; you can even pay rent if you want. We'd be housemates nothing more.'

'Sirius, it's really very nice of you, but you know that isn't how it would stay.'

He looked at her directly as if to argue back. Then he nodded, he couldn't deny this year of frostiness had taken its toll, he was crazy for the touch of her. 'Would that be so bad,' he paused, 'Was it so bad?'

'I don't want to talk about it.'

'I'm sorry I just think….'

'Sirius please I never want to discuss that night again.' She interrupted.

'Maybe we have to; you never want to talk about anything anymore.'

'Sirius, I hate this.'

'But I miss you Holly.'

'You see me all the time,' she said trying to sound indifferent and dismissive.

'I miss the way I used to see you, really seeing you, kissing you, touching you.' She almost sighed, each word feeling like a caress. 'I know what happened last summer was bad. I was drunk, you were practically hallucinating you were that high. We crossed the line, but it didn't mean things had to change.'

Did she miss him? She tried not to ask herself that question. 'We're bad for each other.' She said trying to sound strong, 'You just want your play buddy back; you miss the reliability, nothing more.'

'Is that what you really think?' he said offended.

'You want it to go back to what it was, that fucked up friendship!' she was suddenly angry 'What was that? I don't need confusing shit like that Sirius.'

It was so difficult to describe what they had had. A friendship tainted with egos, distrust, and a constant struggle for power and dominance.

He remembered the first time he kissed her in fourth year and she had tried to run away, he held her against the wall, almost forced her; her first kiss. He could tell she never let go like the other girls he kissed. They would become weak, he would have to hold them in his arms as they became soft and fuzzy. Holly's kisses were hard, they were brutal and unfeeling. She never gave into him, even when he was crushing her small body in his arms, one hand down her shirt the other half way up her thigh; she was still not giving in to him. Then there was the fateful night they had slept together, when she had broke down, tears welling up and slipping down her porcelain cheeks. He had never seen her like that, her guard down, insecure, a scared child hiding her naked body with the white sheet. It was odd he had always imagined it different with her; a meeting of equals. He had tried to keep kissing her but she changed beneath his lips, he could feel her recoil, repulsed by his touch. After a while he gave up trying.

Holly was embarrassed. It wasn't like she was inexperienced; she usually could make herself numb, a piece of wood, a cold stone. She could put on an act, feign lust and pretend ecstasy. But it had been different that night with Sirius, she couldn't keep the wall up. It might have just been the acid, it had made her paranoid and unhinged. Halfway through she had panicked and started crying. It was the first time she had cried since Lily had found her in the bathroom. He had comforted her, held her, rocked her, told her she was beautiful and not to worry. But his words didn't comfort her, she felt subordinate and small, he was in control now. When he kissed her the next day she felt as if his tongue was invading her body, pulling her secrets out through her mouth. He began to treat her like a special jewel, something fragile to be protected. Every time he touched her in that mothering way she would clam up. He kept on trying to breech her frigidity but eventually he stopped, it had been over a year since that night and they had barely touched.

She collected herself, 'I know you want to help me and look after me, but I can take care of myself.'

'I get lonely too Holly, it's a big house I could use the company.'

'I won't play housewife'

'Don't be a bitch.'

That wicked smile flickered across her lips, this was the Sirius she liked 'Don't call me your mother's pet names' she said sweetly, it was an old joke.

He didn't smile and ignored her, 'I just meant that I know how it feels to be alone, we could help each other, you know'

She yawned rudely, she was fed up. When did Sirius become such a pussy? 'Sirius I don't want to be mollycoddled, by anyone, especially not by you. You pity me and say you want to help me, you want to kiss me, and you want to make love to me.' She stared at him hard, unflinching, 'Maybe I just want to be fucked.' Her lips moved slowly and curled around the words that passed through them. She was mocking him.

Her gaze was intense, he couldn't read her. She often said weird stuff when she was smoking dope. He knew when to stop. He looked unimpressed and stood up and went to leave. Bastard, she inwardly cursed, he was more difficult to manipulate than Remus.

'Sirius' she called, 'My bottle.'

He walked back and passed it to her, but held onto it 'We're still on for tonight, right?'

'Why not' she replied and he released his grasp on the bottle.

Perhaps she was right. Maybe he should just leave her be, why was he behaving like a fool, pretending to be the knight in shinning armour? Holly was no princess, perhaps she didn't need rescuing.

They were all huddled in a stone passageway somewhere beneath Hogworts.

'Shhhhhh' whispered James, 'keep quiet.'

Jessica and Layla were giggling. They had had been doing tequila shots before they left and they were already slipping over in their strappy heels. Holly considered them; they were apparently her best friends. It was depressing; they didn't know her at all.

There was quite a large group, nearly all of Gryffindor 6th years, a couple of Hufflepuffs and one Ravenclaw boy. It made the whole thing very risky. James was leading the way, a crude map held in his hands. There was more to the browned parchment than first met the eye, Holly had never been sure of the extent of its power, but she knew it contained complex detection magic only accessible to the Marauders. They had all put invisibility charms over themselves, some being more successful than others. Even her good one was a bit pathetic. She eyed James' invisibility cloak enviously.

They tip toed as quietly as possible down the passage for a good ten minutes. The group was in high spirits and once they were a good distance form Hogwarts, people began singing and laughing. Holly hung back with Remus, the faint hum of 'My Elixir' by the up and coming band The Weird Sisters could be heard emanating from the already tipsy group ahead. She could see the blurry image of Sirius arm flung over Jessica's bare shoulder, it pissed her off. She took a long slug from the bottle in her hand. She had to stop thinking about him.

'I heard it was your idea for this little gathering,' Remus said.

'Yeh, I guess,' she wasn't really listening.

'Good idea, it'll probably be the last time before the Summer Holiday.'

'Yeh, I guess it will be.'

'You're very quiet tonight.'

'I'm sorry my thoughts are just elsewhere,' she explained weakly.

He looked ahead, Sirius arm was now on Jessica's lower back. His heart sank, he loved Sirius dearly and he hated the fact there was this unsaid competition between them. They had dated the same girls before; they would even compare notes, usually a lot more detailed on Sirius' side. But neither of them ever mentioned Holly. Remus assumed his friend had done stuff with her; he'd cringe when he imagined what. He had heard the way Padfoot talked about his sexual experiences and it made him angry imagining Holly in that way. Sirius knew he'd kissed her, but did he know the rest? Maybe the problem was that neither of them had fancied her, dated her, had her and then got over her. There was no cathartic experience after Holly, just a never ending rollercoaster of emptiness and regret.

Holly had a bottle of JD held by the neck in her hand, she took regular sips. But she wasn't drunk, not yet anyway.

'Fancy some?' she offered Remus.

'Is it whisky?'

'Yeh Muggle make, I prefer it,' she said offering him the bottle.

He tried a bit, she was right it was better than Ogden's Old Firewisky, but then Remus had never been one for straight spirits, usually opting for a pint of mulled mead.

The dance floor was rammed, a tangled orgy of arms and legs. Holly sat at the bar, a cigarette in one hand and a tumbler full of ice and brown syrupy whisky in the other. She was flirting outrageously with the barman, Braeden. He was about twenty five and had long black hair and wore eyeliner…he was hot. They knew each other pretty well, as she often frequented The Flaming Cauldron, propping up the bar until she was sufficiently wasted to hit the dance floor without her inhibitions. She knew she looked good tonight. Her young body was squeezed into a black halter neck dress. She was wearing high patent leather stilettos, opaque tights and gold hoops. Her blonde hair was crimped and worn mostly to one side. Lots of mascara and red lipstick finished the job. She thought she looked pretty trendy. The dance floor however was filled with bright coloured disco prints, flares, cat-suits, platforms, hot pants; a poor mans interpretation of Saturday Night Fever. It was a sad echo of the past, a final stand against the approaching 80's.

Remus had come looking for her. 'I'll meet you in the bathroom in five,' he heard Holly whisper to Braeden before slipping of her stool and coming face to face with him. She Jumped .'Oh Remus, I didn't see you there!'

'Fancy a dance?' he asked trying to distract her.

'Maybe later,' she said sweeping aside his gesture, 'I'm just going to the bathroom, see you in a bit!' she shouted over the intoxicating beat of the music.

'Yeh, later then!' he called desperately after her as she walked away. He looked at Braeden, what a chump. Perhaps it was the drink, but before he could calm down Remus was fast approaching the bar.

'Oi Braeden!' he shouted.

'Hey Remus, it's great to see you tonight!'

'I know what you're supplying Holly with.'

'Hey keep your voice down,' Braeden said getting closer to the bar. He lowered his head and spoke quietly, 'Remus, I know she's your friend and all, but man it's her choice.'

'She's sixteen!' exclaimed Remus, not taking the hint about keeping quiet.

'You can keep that down as well,' snapped Braeden, looking around nervously.

'Do you realize what you're doing to her; she's been doped up or drunk since Easter.'

'Mate, I understand I do, but I'm just the middleman.'

'Fuck you' he slurred 'you're ruining her life.' Remus was passed it. He was jabbing his finger pitifully at Braeden's chest.

Braeden dismissivly pushed Remus' hand away, 'I just supply to demand.'

'And how does she pay you, you shit, she's got no money,' spat Remus.

'You're drunk so I'll let that slip' said Braeden, suddenly angry, 'but you better get the fuck out of this bar before you say something you'll really regret' he threatened.

'Oh I get it; you're the good drug dealer!' Remus taunted sarcastically.

'Fuck I don't need this,' Breaden said rolling up his sleeves. Luckily at that moment James and Peter arrived at the bar for another round of drinks, Breaden spotted them and unclenched his fists, 'James get your mate out of here, he's been a dick' Braeden ordered.

'What did he do?' argued James, not yet realizing the seriousness of the situation.

'Just get him out now or I'll bar you all.'

James knew not to argue, Braedon might act like a nice enough guy but he was into some dodgy stuff and you didn't want to get in his bad books, 'Wormtail, I'll take Remus, you tell everyone where we've gone, okay?' James struggled with Remus, who was declaring he was ready to fight and swinging his fist wildly.

Braedon had refused to give her any coke, but he gave her a valium for later. She was pissed with him, and tried to hit him a couple of times, he held her still easily, said the arrangement was over, apologized and told her to get clean. She shouted 'pervert' after him and collapsed on the floor of the cubicle. Layla came in and tried to help her, so she told her to 'fuck off', Layla called her a 'bitch' and left.

She had a quaalude in the padded section of her bra, she took that, tried to fix her makeup and emerged out into the dark club. There was a lot of strobe lighting and the music sounded as if it was being played backwards underwater. She found Peter, who said something about most people leaving with Remus and something about her looking messed up. He offered to walk her back she declined. She danced for a bit by herself, but soon attracted the attention of a couple of older men. They disgusted her, like flies to shit she thought, she was shit. She staggered away avoiding groping hands and flailing arms. She spotted Sirius with a girl who looked a lot like Jessica on his knee. They were kissing; one of his hands was lost in her hair, the other was clutching her waist. She felt sick, Sirius opened his eyes, he saw her turn and blindly stumble away.

She didn't know what was wrong with her, maybe it was the lack of coke. She stumbled out of the basement bar and shrugged off the bouncers who tried to talk to her. She found the secret entrance to the tunnel back to Hogwarts. She hoped she had the right one. She scrabbled into the tight opening; she caught her leg on the brick wall, shaving off the skin. She felt nothing but looking at the gash made her feel slightly light headed and nauseous. She carried on down the brick tunnel, her feet ached and her progress was slow. Her thoughts were on his lips and his hands, why now? she thought. She was burning for him, it couldn't just be jealousy and withdrawal there must be something more.

Sirius caught up with her in the long corridor.

'Holly, wait up, you can't walk back by yourself.'

'I can look after myself,' she said resolutely while nearly falling over.

'Not in the state you're in.'

'I'm fine,' she slurred.

'Don't be daft, Please take my jacket, it's cold.'

'Stop being a gentlemen' she whined.

He tried to give it to her, she pushed him away.

He snapped, 'Oh fine, fuck you. I was well in there with Jessica but I left the club to see if you were okay and this is the thanks I get. Well you can just fuck off!'

Wham, she pushed him up against the wall, her small body pressing into his, the kiss was inconsiderate and desperate. There was no warmth, or fuzzy feelings just anger and lust. She felt her heart, kick-start, it was different to any feeling she had ever had before, it burnt her, consumed her, drove her. They worked themselves up quickly and spent themselves against the stone wall. It was animalistic, hard, a release. When they had finished she rested her sated body against the wall, her eyes heavy, gingerly she pulled her skirt down from around her waist. She heard a zipper and the sound of Sirius sorting out his shirt. They straightened up and they walked back in an uncomfortable silence. She didn't know if she felt better or worse, at least she felt wanted. Sirius wasn't sure, it wasn't the way he would have planned getting her back. At least she didn't cry this time. He eyed her carefully, she seemed possessed, manic, and she was shit-faced. He was a wanker, to take advantage of her in that state, Remus would never do a thing like that. She'd probably hate him in the morning. Yet she had initiated it, but she was drunk, why did he always get it wrong?

They reached the Gryffindor stairwell, the place that had been the parting of the ways so many times before.

'I'm sorry' the both said simultaneously, they didn't laugh and it didn't ease the tension.

'I shouldn't have done that' he offered.

'You regret it' she mumbled, shit now he was offending her.

'No, but you're drunk, and it was a bit well…' he searched for the word '…unromantic.'

She scoffed, 'I'm sorry for being all weird when I left the club and then forcing my self on you,' she looked embarrassed it was endearing. He thought of the way she just behaved in the tunnel, it couldn't have been more different.

He inwardly smiled, she was jealous! This is what he loved about the drunken Holly- honesty. 'Knew you liked me' he taunted. She didn't answer. 'So are we okay, you're not pissed with me?' he checked.

She smiled, 'Of course not.'

'Great!' he said a little too enthusiastically.

She laughed, 'On one condition, are you going to stop treating me like a china doll?'

'After that, I'm sure it won't be difficult' he said grinning stupidly, leaning in for another kiss.

She pushed him away, she wasn't one for goodnight kisses, 'Goodnight Black,' she turned and followed the stairs carefully her head still spinning.

She got into bed after throwing up. She heard Lily and Moira sweet snuffles and envied their dreamless sleep. Layla and Jessica weren't back yet; she dreaded the boredom of the fight that would ensue tomorrow. She found the valium still in her purse, she was thankful for it now. She took it swiftly and waited for the impending nausea to sweep her body and hoped that the darkness would claim her for his own.

The person who is invading my privacy,


I feel betrayed. I know for a fact that my diary was taken and read by someone, maybe several someones. I will not be writing any more in this diary for a long time, if ever. You have ruined my trust and my feeling of security. I hate you for that, whoever you are! On these pages I have written things sometimes too scary or too embarrassing even to read again myself. I trust that these pages are turned only by me, only when I wish. Many things are hurting and confusing me. I need my private pages, in order to see my mind outside me and push it away. Please stay away from this diary. I mean it!

Authors Note: Please Review!! Sorry this update took longer than usual. I struggled with the characterization, you can probably tell. x