Author's Note: Again, I own nothing. Much of this is inspired by Twin Peaks, I don't own that either…but I wish I did. Also i've not had much time to check this. I'm in work so i really shouldn't be doing this...i promise to check it tonight!...Finally updated and corrected to the best of my ability, but it does appear like my spellchecker has packed in. Sorry for those who read this before i corrected it as it was rather shoddy.

My Summer of Love

'Of course the only thing that kills the demon... is love.'

- Mickey Knox – Natural Born Killers -

Holly was sitting on the train on the way back to London. She was pinioned between Jessica and Layla.

'Oh I'm just soo happy you two made up, it would have just killed me if I had been caught in the middle all summer,' warbled Layla.

'Oh well it was silly really, I mean I don't even like Sirius!' squealed Jessica.

Holly felt smug, Jessica had fancied Sirius since third year, and her modest display was pathetic. It had taken Jessica a week to forgive her and the 'fuck off' comment had earned her two days of frostiness from Layla. She wished it had lasted longer. She didn't even try to be nice to the two of them, it really astounded her that the more she insulted and spurned them the more they wanted to hang out with her.

'I'm going for a walk', she announced abruptly, she needed a line desperately, their conversation was nauseating.

'But we're on the train!' said Layla as if the idea of legs that moved was inconceivable.

'I know.'

Layla tried to smile sweetly, 'Can we come too?'

'No' said Holly exciting the compartment with a bang.

She found Sirius, in a noisy compartment with his usual crowd and a couple of lads in the year above. She poked her head around the door, the ruckus died down quickly into silence as they looked at her expectantly, 'Hi, erm…can I talk to you Sirius?' she asked.

'Yeh, what is it?'

'Errrr.. it's kinda private.' She said gesturing with her eyes for him to leave the compartment.

'Oh right' he said looking haughty and leaving the compartment, the moment the door shut, the room behind burst into fits of laughter, woops and jeers.

She gave him a quizzical look, 'Really wild game of wizard chess going on in there?'

'Yeh something like that, what can I do for you darling?'

She convulsed a bit; she hated most of his pet names for her, especially darling, 'Well aren't I allowed to see you alone before the end of term.'

'Well excuse me, the Holly I know usually doesn't want to be seen with me, you've slapped me for merely saying 'hello' to you in an empty corridor.'

'You weren't just saying hello, you were groping,' she accused.

'I wouldn't dare,' he purred his hands moving to her waist.

'Anyway that's not the point; I do want to see you now' she explained.

He smiled, 'Going to miss me?' he teased.

'Maybe' she paused, 'are you going to miss me?' She couldn't believe she'd said it, this whole conversation made her feel quite ridiculous, and she instinctively looked over her shoulder to ensure no one could see this pathetic display of adolescence.

'No,' he answered abruptly, her face faulted, 'No I'm not going to miss you because I'm going to come and see you tonight, make sure you've settled in alright.'

'You'd do that?' She was genuinely shocked. He was surprised by her cuteness; her girliness. She seemed sane today, almost sweet. She wanted his company, which always seemed a bit of a shock. He felt the need to watch her at the moment; everything was a bit to perfect, to normal, the calm before the storm.

'Course, can I stay the night?' he said genially with a cheeky wink thrown in for good measure.

Her face fell, she looked uncomfortable.

'Erm, I don't think that's such a good idea…. I mean we might get caught'.

He wasn't going to push it, it was obvious she didn't want him to stay, 'That's fine' he said hoping his disappointment didn't sound as obvious to her as it did to him.

'You can stay pretty late anyway, I mean you can apparate now, remember this is our summer of magic.' 'Our Summer', the words echoed in her ears, 'Our Summer', she'd never felt like sharing anything with anyone before. What was it about Sirius Black? Why was she finally letting him in? Perhaps she wasn't as hard as she thought; perhaps she was weak like the rest of the female population, susceptible to cool gray eyes, floppy hair and arrogance.

'What if I splinch myself?'

'Well' she said seductively 'I'll just have to play nurse' she bent in for the kiss, but they both cracked up. It was unbelievably cheesy, they both knew it but they carried on the kiss regardless.

Seconds later she was pulling him into the toilets, kissing him hard; 'fancy a line?' she breathed heavily.

'Sure' he said excited.

She smiled wickedly, she loved corrupting the innocent. Well innocent was a bit strong for Sirius, but he rarely dabbled in anything apart from the occasional marijuana cigarette.

'At three in the afternoon, this is mental!' She didn't say anything, so far Sirius was pretty much in the dark about her dependency. He thought she frolicked in the snow every now and again; everyone did drugs, that didn't make you a druggie. Only idiots were druggies. He bent down first and skimmed the line, she followed, letting the hit smack her brain, she lent back against the door, Sirius was laughing, she smiled widely. He pushed her against the door kissing her messily, his hands roaming widely across her body. He had just got her bra undone, when there was a knock on the door.

'Shit' cursed Sirius

'Excuse me; people need to use this facility. Whatever you're doing in there could you please stop' It was Remus.

'Shiiiiit' whispered Holly. She straightened her dress, mouthing unknown words and waving frantic hand gestures at Sirius then she gingerly opened the toilet door.

Remus looked shocked to see her and even more so when he saw Sirius following her out red-faced. There was a long line of giggling, whispering students, eyes glued to the red handed couple. Their secret relationship was suddenly not so secret.

Remus coughed 'Erm sorry guys, someone came and got me, prefect duties and all, didn't think it was you, I wouldn't of if I'd…' he trailed off. Poor Remus, Holly thought, dying inside yet still trying to be the good guy; gracious in defeat. He made her feel a bit sick, there wasn't room for people like that, as the saying goes nice guys finish last.

She just shrugged, the high from the coke giving her an air of indifference.

Staring at her naked form, wrapped messily in the white linen the past six weeks seemed a forgotten nightmare. She was sleeping soundly, her nose twitching every now and again, her slight fingers flexing, an eyelash fluttering. He was entranced, he felt foolish lying there, venerating her sleeping form.

Such a slight thing, she reminded him of the girl he had first met. She wasn't as skinny as she'd been then, but she still needed to put on weight. He generally preferred girls with a bit more meat on their bones. She looked like an androgeness goddess; all sharp cheekbones and pouty lips. She'd begun to shave her head two weeks ago, luckily he'd stopped her just in time. She had only done about a third, to save the damage he'd shaved off another third from the other side and created this long Mohawk, like a pony's tail. It looked stupid, but kind of cool. He lent over and kissed the top of her head, it was so good to have her there, her clothes were folded in the chest of drawers opposite, her boots were sitting comfortably by the porch and there were stacks of library books on every surface. He had imagined her there many times, but had always thought of it as a fantasy. For the first time last night they'd honestly made love, not fucked or shagged but actually made love. The sex was for the first time untainted by mistrust, egos, arrogance and drugs. He had told her he loved her, three words he had never said to anyone before.

(6 Weeks Earlier)

He opened her desk drawer; he closed it, and then opened it again. He couldn't believe his eyes; he'd only been looking for a cigarette and hadn't expected to come across this sordid treasure trove. There was a large bag of coke, some blotter acid, some weed, two cheap cigars (presumebly for the shells, he'd never seen her smoke cigars) a small bottle of gin and a quarter bottle of tequila. A collection of white pharmaceutical tubs mostly with names he didn't recognize; Methaqualone, Dextroamphetamine, Phencyclidine, Ketamine. He shuddered, pushing the contents round the drawer, his hand conecting with a bottle of liquid mescaline. Fuck, that was the one that really shocked him. There was another vial of unknown clear liquid, he dreaded to think what that was. He saw hockthorn leaf, alihotsy, venomous tentacula seeds (How the fuck did she get hold of them?) and wormwood, he was sure he'd read that it had hullucinogenic properties. Fuck, fuck fuck, what was he going to do. He couldn't tell her, then she'd know he was snooping, if he knew Holly she'd have a fit, she'd probably try to beat the shit out of him. She'd never trust him again. No, he knew he had to confront her, she had to get help. All the erratic behavior made sense, her bizaar mood swings, her fleeting spells of uncontrollable happiness, her fits of anger resulting in the bruise that was fading around his left eye. He heard feet coming down the wooden hallway outside, he took a deep breath;

'Holly what the fuck is this?' He accused, slightly more aggressivly than he had originally intended.

He saw her breath catch, her eyes flicker over the content of the open drawer, placing everything, her eyes flicking next to her diary, then the open window. All in less then a second, she cracked a smile, a laugh, 'You think that shit is mine?'

'I know it's yours, don't play dumb.'

'It's Janine's, she keeps on getting her room searched so I store her stuff with mine.'

'Holly,' he tried to remain calm, 'I know you hind Valium in your bra, and I've found pills in the bottom of your bag before.'

'Baby you know I get migraines that's asprine.' She explained cooly.

'Don't fuck with me Holly, I got an O in muggle studies I know what paracetemol looks like!'

'I swear it's Janine's ask her!'

'I don't need to, I know it's yours. I think I've known this whole time, I just didn't want to see it. It was always 'It's only one line' It's not only one line when your taking one line ten times a day. The valium once in a while to help you sleep you said, the pills for all for those headaches I never see you suffering from. Why are you always going to the toliet Holly? Do you honestly think I haven't noticed, that was the third time sinse I got here an hour ago. Is this why you wont let me stay here at night? Is that who that guy is, the one who keeps calling you?' He stopped, she didn't answer, 'Is that what all that shit with Remus was about, the fight…are you messed up with Braedan?'

'Not any more.'

'Fuck Holly, that guy's messed up.'

'I can take care of myself.'

'No you can't look at you, Merlin, how have I been so blind, you're well skinnier, you look like you did when you first arrived. Is that why you've been taking Ket, are you not eating again?'

'No' she breathed through gritted teeth, 'I was never anorexic, I told you that!'

He ignored her and carried on 'and why the mescaline Holly? That's some fucked up shit, are you trying to kill yourself?' he didn't want to hear the answer to that so he continued 'I'm getting rid of all this shit now!'

'No!' she sreamed, grabbing her wand and pointing it straight at him 'don't you dare, you don't understand, please Sirius, please, please, oh god please,' she crumpled up on the floor, her fists clenched, violent sobs emiting from her body, yet no tears stained her guant cheeks. 'You can't, please I need to sleep I need to forget Sirius, don't take away my sleep, please.'

She heard a pop, and rose her wand automatically aiming at the space in which a young man had just apparated into her room

'Move a muscle Sirius, and I will hex you so fast,'

He went to speak, 'speak and ill do worse' she interrupted, he remained silent.

Holly was on the floor, wearing skin tight leather pants and a purple push up bra. She was sitting spread eagled like a child, her hair messy and tussled, her make-up from the night before smudged and clown-like. On the floor were two fat white lines. She had a rolled up ten pound note in one hand and in her other she held her wand pointing straight at his heart. She took the hit. She lay back, resting her head against the bed, her wand arm relaxing by her side.

'Come in' she beckoned sweetly.

He said nothing, but stepped over her and onto her bed, where he sat crossed legged and silent and began to fiddle with a teddy bear wearing a wizard's hat.

'I'm ready for my lecture, Professor Black' she said mockingly.

'I'm not even talking to you when you're like this.'

She pouted, 'Oh poor little Sirius!'

'We had a date, we're meant to be meeting them in half an hour'

'Who?'

'Lily and James.'

Holly made a retching sound, 'But they're so boring!'

'You promised me'

'I did?'

He nodded.

'But baby, I don't want to go, wouldn't you rather stay in with me' she said seductively, crawling onto the bed and draping her half naked body on top of him.

'You look a state Holly, but some clothes on.'

She started to Kiss his neck, 'Holly' he warned

She sat up looking like a spoilt child, he felt bad , he sat up a bit and put his arms round her, she was so frail, 'Oh c'mon babe, I'm sorry just take all that glitter off and put on a jumper or something.' He tried to persuade her.

He untangled himself from her and went over to the dresser, he knew where everything was, he'd lost count of the times he'd put her to bed recently. He got a cotton wool bud and began to remove the crusts of mascara and smudged pink lipstick. She just sat there, looking sad and forlorn. Little lost Holly.

'I need another hit' she mumbled, he ignored her.

'Put this on' he gave her a black t-shirt.

She reluctantly pulled it over her head

'Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious…'

'What?' he asked her.

'Nothing, just thinking' she mumbled.

'Where's your denim jacket?'

'I lost it.'

He looked through the small wardrobe and found a large shirt that at one point had belonged to him.

'I guess this will have to do.'

She put it on.

'Make-up?'

'I'll do it myself' she said, lazily pulling a compact from her bag.

He stood by the window, smoking a cigarette, watching her carefully. The room was of medium size, there was a single bed against the far sickly yellow wall. A desk with a couple of shelves, all crammed full with books; muggle library books, it always surprised him that no matter how doped up to the nines this girl was there were always new library books once or even twice a week. The desk was littered with stationary, scrunched up paper and various cosmetic bottles. There was a small wardrobe half empty because its contents were littered around the room. There were two posters, one for the film 'Taxi Driver'; he remembered watching that with her last year and a large one of 'The Clash', which he vaguely remembered her recommending. There was a radio with a tape player, surrounded by disemboweled audio cassettes their plastic entrails spilling out onto the dirty grey carpet. His eyes flicked back to her, she was applying some heavy eye makeup.

'I'm thinking of shaving my head,' she offered.

'Shut up,' Sirius snapped.

She pulled a funny face and muttered under her breath 'Just trying to make conversation'. It never failed to amaze him how many different moods she could run through when she'd had a nose full of white power. Tonight was not going to be easy.

'What we seeing tonight?' She asked.

'Apocalypse Now'

'Sounds shit.'

'You were only saying last week that you really wanted to see it. You said, and now I quote: Francis Ford Coppola is a god amongst muggles.'

'Who's he?'

'You're doing that on purpose.'

'Maybe,' she said finishing her makeup and withdrawing a bent up cigarette form her bag. She tried to straiten it up a bit, it pissed him off the way she would just light up anywhere.

'Camel' she said gesturing to the lit cigarette 'got it off the American guy I was with last night'

'I hope you had a great time' he knew she was lying, well perhaps there had been an American, but she was always bumming smokes.

'He played football.'

'Well good for him.'

'He said I was the prettiest English girl he'd ever seen.'

'Well, he probably lied, right lets go', he said marching up to her and grabbing her hand.

'I can apparate' she said outraged.

'I don't trust you' he said before they both vanished.

Holly went through a whole bullet of coke to get through the movie and dinner with them afterwards.

They had sat down to eat in a greasy café in Brixton. Sirius didn't eat much he'd eaten a load of shit in the cinema, Holly was too high to even look at food. She watched Lily stuffing her plump pink face in disgust, she'll pay for that in spots and the seams of her clothes she thought. She cast her eyes over James, he sure was a pig, stuffing hamburgers and chips in his mouth like chewing wasn't necessary.

'Hun,' she said in her sweetest voice, 'I'm just going to go powder my nose.'

Sirius frowned, 'Ill come to' said Lily, he smiled.

Fuck her! Well that plan backfired, without a line she didn't know how she would survive the double date from hell. She had a quaalude and a valium somewhere in her bag, she could take them quietly in the cubicle.

'So' said Lily, 'It's great that you and Sirius are finally officially together!' It irritated her the way Lily said finally, as if their no strings attached relationship had offended her.

'Yeh it sure is swell!'

'I bet you can't believe it James and I?'

'Just hit me like a big red bus!' she chimed. Who could have seen that one coming Lil?

'He's actually not that bad,' Lily blushed.

'He's lovely, you two look great together.' It killed her, to hear how genuine her voice was. People were stupid, trust was dead.

'Thanks, so do you and Sirius.' This conversation was draining her. She tried to think for a moment what Lily saw, a girl who was once her best friend, dressed like a tramp, pale face, red nose, thin blue hands, broken nails bar a sharpened pinkie, good for scooping. Did Lily notice the details did she believe the show, did everyone else? People didn't really want to hear the truth, they were happier with the names of unknown illnesses, foreign holidays and fake alibis. Never underestimate the power of denial, people didn't want to see the mess and guts of things, they wanted clean hands and stretched smiles.

'Well we better get back' they left the toilet, 'Oh dear I've left my lipstick, I'll catch you up!' She felt the sing song voice catch in her bone-dry throat.

Remus looked around the room, normally neat it was in absolute disarray. She wasn't even trying to hide her drug use, there was a small bag of coke resting on the dressing table. He cursed Sirius, if he was her boyfriend he would be looking after her, damn him. He noticed a jumper he knew belonged to Sirius, a set of muggle photobooth photos of them kissing, and then his eyes strayed to a pair of black lacy knickers strewn on the floor. His fists clenched as he imagined how they got there, perhaps removed hastily in a fit of passion, or teased off slowly, cascading over hips, then thighs to ankles; a private show he would never see. Why people weren't more ashamed of such things, why did people like her, people like Sirius flaunt their sexual squalor? He remembered the episode a month ago on the Hogwarts Express. How she had laughed, at first Sirius hadn't been able to look him in the eye but later he'd approached him said something about, no hard feeling, bullshit that meant nothing. He inwardly cringed remembering them emerging from the toilet, her lipstick smudged, shirt button undone, Sirius lazy smile, loose tie and the tent pole protruding from his trousers. His skin crawled as he suddenly realised that they had probably fucked in the bed where he was currently sitting. He felt sick and stood up quickly, and carelessly knocked something heavy with his foot. He looked down, it was Holly's diary, he'd dislodged it from it's place under her bed, it was splayed open, his heart began to beat fast, he could see the date labeled August, 86. He knew he shouldn't read it, but his eyes automatically scanned the page.

Dear Little Lost Holly.

Too many bad things happen late at night. Never before in my life have I been so confused. It is four-thirty exactly in the morning, and I can barely hold this pen I am shaking so much. I have been in the woods again. Lost. But I have been led. I think I am a very bad person. Tomorrow I will start a new way of living. I will not think any more bad thoughts. I will not think any more about sex. Maybe he will stop coming if I try harder to be good. Maybe I could be like Lily. She is a good person. I am bad. This dream tonight was so vivid that even now I am unsure if it was really a dream or not. He took me into the dark woods with only the owls to witness what he did. The bed is full of twigs and leaves; there is a purple bruise on my leg. I am either dreaming him to life, and slowly killing myself, or he has told Sister Caroline of his visits and has offered, in return for their own safety, that these visits will continue without possibility of interruption. I am too tired and too confused; I cannot shut my eyes as I need to watch at the window: his usual entrance.

X

Deep in the woods

I hear the trees cry

No strings tie their bellies

Lost so am I

The faceless man crows

Dead apple in hand

'Come Sleeping Beauty

Fall in to my land

Oh little lost child

Asleep at my feet

Open up your fortress

Your secrets I'll keep'

X

He turned to the previous page before, now what he was doing was most definitely wrong.

Late June '86.

Dear Little Lost Holly,

I nearly told Remus at the party. But we were interrupted. It is probably better this way, as I find myself regretting telling Lily more and more everyday. I didn't mind at first but now when I'm with her I always get the feeling she's judging me, reading me, analyzing my actions. Sometimes I shout at her, it is unrewarding and she takes my insults like a dying dog, she expects me to be like that. If Lily only knew the things I dream, dreams of large, large men with big strong hands who take me down in the deep woods. I can't talk to Lily about these things; she wouldn't understand she would blush and giggle, flaunting her innocence at my like a white flag.

The orphanage is fine so far. I have my own room, the Sisters are fine, but I don't like the word 'Sister' it reminds me of the stories Doll used to tell. I feel strange, Sister Caroline said that another boy from my school went here called Tom Riddle. I wonder what happened to his parents. I wonder if he was as confused and as lost as me. The orphanage seems fine but I don't think I like it. Honestly, I hate it. I wrote it was fine to make myself believe it but I don't. It's quiet at night and he knows it. I wish Remus would write to me, but he doesn't.

x

He flicked through the journal, finding the last touched page, 'Please stay away from this diary. I mean it!' He felt stung; he quickly shut the book, guilt pulsing through his veins. He put it where it would have been if he hadn't touched it. He knew he shouldn't have read it; he couldn't get the words out of his head, wood, sex, window, owls. It didn't make sense. Perhaps it was all a dream, a fantasy, or even a story. Somehow he doubted it.

She re-entered the Room (presumably returning from her coke break), 'My supper is ready Remus, you're going to have to go' she announced.

He nodded his mouth dry.

'You alright peu de loup?' she cooed 'So pale and the full moon's not for another two weeks.' She stroked his cheek. His muscles tightened, she awed him. One touch and he was hers. He attempted to regained his composure.

'I could say the same about you, you don't look well. I'm worried about you.'

'Shhhhhhhh' she cut him off, he thought she was about to make an excuse but she didn't even bother to try. She shrugged, 'I'm fine.'

'Well I thought I might as well say something, as it appears no one else is looking out for you,' he said haughtily.

Again another stony silence, she raised an eyebrow; her faint amusement at his words angered him.

'Thank you mother goose, but really I'm fine,' she cooed.

'Fine' he repeated, 'Goodbye Holly.'

'Aren't you going to say goodbye properly Remus. I would hate you to go away cross with me,' she flirted.

He melted, 'Of course and anyway I'm not angry with you' he embraced her and went to kiss her on the cheek, but she moved and her lips met his. They lingered for a second; it wasn't even a kiss, just a brushing of flesh. She smiled 'Goodbye Remus.'

He blushed, she was Sirius' now. It didn't mean anything, he had kissed her before, often in greeting on those plump pillows but now she belonged to his friend and he had to respect that.

Then the words came out like vomit, 'Holly is someone hurting you?'

'What?' she turned round suddenly.'

'Is someone here hurting you?'

'No, what are you talking about Remus?' She looked angry, her face red as if he had slapped her, 'Now I really must go.' She left the room before he could say another word.

'I'll write this time,' he whispered to the empty room, before disappearing himself.

She could faintly here Dumbledore's worried voice; 'When did this happen?'

'Sometime last night, the sister at the orphanage found her in the morning; she'd been out for three hours.'

'What did you find?'

'Traces of muggle narcotics, mostly mescaline, but also traces of cocaine, valium and ether. We don't think these caused the overdose, we found large amounts of venomous tentacula and wormwood, we think some sort of home made speedball. The room itself was like a full stocked apothecary.' She heard an elderly witch's voice explain.

'When will she wake?'

'Sometime tomorrow, once the antidote we've administered wares off.'

'And the after effects?'

'It's too early to tell. At present she appears to be fine, but often the after effects only become apparent later on.'

'You mean future psychological problems?'

'Well firstly there is beating the addiction itself and then there is the hallucinogenic qualities of the wormwood, in such quantities it is known to cause violent flashbacks, which can on certain occasions be fatal.'

There was a silence, 'Thank you for your help Mariam, I will stay with her for a while.'

'Of course Dumbledore.'

She felt his gaze on her, she wanted to open her eyelids but they were heavy, she lay like a dead bird. She heard him sigh, he sat, he waited. He waited for a long time. She didn't remember when he left but when she awoke the next day it wasn't him who was there anymore but someone else.

Her eyes opened, his face was contorted with worry and dark circles framed his eyes. He was holding her hand; she couldn't understand how she had not felt his tight grasp before.

He looked serious it scared her, 'Holly I'm taking you home with me' She looked so frail, her waif like body wrapped in the paper nightie. She didn't even fight back this time. She nodded, and he felt her weak muscles grab his hand in hers. 'I'm going to look after you,' he pledged.

'If you leave me, I'll kill you Sirius Black' she threatened her voice croaky and thick from lack of use.

'If you leave me, I'll kill you... and then I'll kill myself,' he promised in return.

Dear Little Lost Holly,

The whole thing sounded like it had been picked word for word out of the dictionary or thesaurus, and I couldn't help but wish for a moment that I was dead. Here he is apologizing for something I, and I'm certain girls everywhere, dream of hearing a boy say. He's chosen his words carefully, tried to prove he is still, hours after his orgasm, in love. Another miracle . . . and what do I do? I am forced to keep silent, to stifle words of love, from my own heart, simply out of the fear that this is all part of a grand scheme to drive me, no brakes in the fast lane, down the road of insanity.

I am trapped inside a part of me I hate. A hard, masculine part of myself that has surfaced to fight, after small memories and scars come out of me with a suddenness that is sobering as well as horrifying - and I fight to save the Holly I wish I could be again. The one everyone thinks is still around. Me in a sundress, hair in the wind, and a smile engraved into my cheeks by the sharp fear that a man may visit me at any moment this evening and try to kill me.

X

Author's Note: Hey I have a huge essay due in very soon so I have to get on with that and I also have loads of extra curricula stuff on this term. So please bear with me as updates are likely to be on the slow side for a while. My apologies. As always please take a couple of seconds/minutes to review. Thanks.