An angry troll pointed out in the reviews of the previous incarnation of this fic that it was written by a troll. This is not true. Well, maybe slightly. At any rate, this fic was intentionally written to be bad as part of a challenge at a bad fanfiction mocking website called Why, God, Why (dot org). By this point I expect that many readers will have flounced away in a fit of outrage. Please don't. If you read on, you may discover ways to write—and read—better fanfiction. I am going to give a detailed explanation of what sucked about this story. I shall bold the important bits for those who only wish to skim. You seem like nice people, so why not turn the experience of being trolled into something positive? If it pisses you off, pop by . You'll probably be roundly mocked.

This fic was written to incorporate certain tropes which are frequently found in bad fanfics. Individually each trope sucks. Together they produce a steaming mess of utter garbage. This story was nothing more than a series of clichés stitched together into an orgy of ever-more-ridiculous melodrama.

First and foremost is MPREG. MPREG itself is not inherently bad, but the way it is handled in many stories (including this one) is. Now, Ianto becoming pregnant with Jack's baby could make quite an interesting story if either were remotely in character, and the implications were explored. What happened in this story was that Ianto Jones, an interesting character, was turned into a proxy woman. This happens in many stories I have seen, and it sucks away all that is interesting about the fandom and the canon and instead provides us with a clichéd, boring story that has been told countless times before. As an additional point, is it really likely that Jack and Ianto would name their child after a car with a fat arse?

Next up is Rose's eating disorder. I almost felt uncomfortable writing this bit as it went against everything I know about a very real psychological condition. I deliberately wrote it so badly that it's nigh-on impossible to tell exactly what eating disorder she had. It's still moderately better than some of the crap I have seen floating around on here. The key point here is do some bloody research. Seriously. Eating disorders are not merely thinking that you are fat and not eating. Eating disorders come in many shapes and sizes and are complex psychological problems. Eating disorders are not cured by a cuddle and someone saying "I love you". Being a complex psychological problem, of course this is the case. Yet I have repeatedly seen this being used as a cure.

The Doctor's cutting is equally poorly handled and for the most part the same points apply. I should also mention again the issue of characterisation. It's marginally plausible that Rose might develop an eating disorder, and if handled correctly and written well, that could make an interesting story. However, is it even remotely likely that the Doctor, who has been through much more shit than our tiny human brains can comprehend, would start cutting himself like an emo teenager? I think not. Don't ignore a character's background simply to turn them into a puppet for your poor plot.

Each and every character was mutilated for the purpose of the "plot" of this story. Donna and 10.5 (incidentally, when discussing 10.5 I often do refer to him as "Handy". It is, however, an inappropriate name for use in fanfiction) are merely moving wallpaper. Poor River Song is twisted into a conniving psycho ex who perpetrates unspeakable evil for no apparent reason. I almost felt like giving her a moustache to twirl. I chose River Song as she is generally—and in my opinion unfairly—disliked by the fandom. This is due to another bad fanfiction cliché: the woman who breaks up the OTP is an evil conniving bitch. This is something that crops up repeatedly and is really, really bloody annoying. Please try not to do this. There was nothing in canon to suggest River Song was evil. She was only disliked because she was not Rose (or Martha), yet had a good relationship with the Doctor.

Now on to issues with the writing. First and foremost, this fic was paced terribly. This was due to my use of the "secret baby" trope. So the "secret" is dragged out for chapters and chapters, in which nothing really happens. Then, come chapters four and five, everything happens. Loads of things. Bad pacing makes a story difficult to read and even more difficult to enjoy. So don't write three completely uneventful chapters followed by one in which several major events occur. Spread it out! Or, better still, have something interesting happen in each chapter.

Next up is the diary entries. The diary entries did not follow the characters' voices at all. That's bad enough. However, I am of the opinion that diary entries on the whole are lazy writing. Don't just slam down a lot of "blah blah blah, I think this, waaaah" into a diary entry. Show me how the character is feeling. If you must use diary entries, make sure it's what the character would write. Do you really think Jack Harkness would use multiple exclamation marks, for example? Adults don't tend to do this.

So to conclude, there were many things that suck about this fic that are in no way unique to it. I think, overall, the key thing to ask yourself when reading or writing fanfiction is "Would character X really respond in this way to situation Y?" If the answer is "no" or even "I'm not sure" then maybe you need to think things over.

Thank you for reading this, if you did. If you're still all offended, come by and yell at us. We won't be sympathetic.