It was dinnertime, and Max burbled when Dada carried him into the kitchen to look for something to eat. Eating with Dada was fun. Dada made messes, just like Max, and he liked eating lots of the same stuff.
"Vienna snausages, Vienna snausages . . . do they really come from Vienna?" Dada asked, getting a jar down and looking at it.
Max didn't know what a Vienna was, but he knew sausages. They were squishable. He crowed when Dada set him in the high chair, and looked up, waiting.
Dada opened the jar and it made a little 'pop' noise. "Presto! This is the secret of being a man, Maxpot. Opening jars. Women will ask you to do it all your life, so get ready."
Max was ready. He reached out and yelled a little, because sometimes Dada wasn't as good as Mama about knowing what to do.
Dada handed him a sausage. Then Dada ate one too.
Max took a wet bite. Good. He was hungry, and he wanted another one right away, so he held out his other hand.
"You already have one, Max."
Max looked down and saw Dada was right. He stuffed it in, and chomped. Half of the uneaten sausage fell out, and that made Max laugh.
"Okay, Mom would say that's gross--but not me."
Dada scooped it up and popped it in his mouth, which made Max laugh again. Dada did things Mama would never do. Mama always cleaned up spills with a washcloth, and told Max to be careful.
Dada just ate stuff.
"Okay, here's another sausage, and let's see what else we have for the young prince—hmmmmm," Dada said, looking in the cupboard. "Strained peas—that's out. Squash? What, is she kidding? Mashed beans, not much better, peaches, very messy---"
"Maaaah!" Max called out. He liked peaches, and could get them from ear to ear, according to Mama.
"Peaches," Dada murmured. "Goopy, goopy peaches. More of this is going to end up on the floor than in you, we both know that, right Maxamonkey?"
Max wanted another sausage, and waved.
"One for Maxitron, and one for me," Dada said, handing him one. "One for Max the Mighty, and one for me . . ."
They finished the jar, and Dada got the peaches out. Max wiggled because he was happy.
"I should get a funnel and just pour it in," Dada said, but he got a spoon and did it the right way for most of the jar. Max bit the spoon a few times and Dada had to pull it out.
"Whoa, enough with the chompers there. No eating the silverware, buddy."
Max growled a little. He was getting full now and wanted down, so he turned his head when Dada tried to feed him more peaches. The spoonful went along his cheek.
Dada sighed. "Smear campaign. Okay Momotaro, let's blow this joint."
Max knew that meant dinner was done, and he approved. He tried to lick the washcloth when Dada mopped his face up, and let his hands get washed too.
"Want to go play on the beach?" Dada asked and Max yelled again because Beach was great. They took the elevator down, and outside the sun was just over the edge of the water. Max blinked and looked around for Augie and Miss Clairol, but it was only him and Dada and Butterfingers carrying the toy basket.
Max wiggled to get down, but Dada didn't set him on the sand until he looked around everywhere first, even on the water.
"Okay, here we go," Dada said and put him on the sand. Max picked some up. Would it taste good? He ate a mouthful before Dada sighed and brushed his hand clean.
No. Sand still did not taste good.
"Here, have Floof," Dada gave him the stuffed plane.
Floof! Max squeezed him hard and giggled. Dada sat down in the camp chair and pulled out Magic Cord. Max wiggled when Dada put him in the harness and hooked up the other end to Butterfingers.
Max crawled, looking around, feeling happy. Beach was good. He couldn't go very far because of Magic Cord, but that was okay. There was sand, and lots of smells and the toy basket and Dada, who was digging.
He needed help, so Max went to go dig too. Dada tried to show him how to use a shovel, but it didn't work.
"Ahhh!" Max got excited and threw the shovel.
Dada caught it with one hand. "Hey!"
Max was busy. He dug, throwing sand, and it felt so good he wanted to sing. Max sang Wheels on the Bus and bounced. He wanted Dada to sing too, but Dada was too busy brushing sand out of his hair and face.
They dug a big hole, and then Dada drew pictures in the sand with a stick, and told Max they were equations.
Max did an equation too. Then he helped Dada's equations with more lines and sand. Then Dada did an equation and said it was him and Mama and Max all together. He put a heart around it, but Max didn't notice because he found a feather and needed to see if it tasted good.
Dada took the feather away.
Max started to huff, getting ready to cry. Mama didn't like it when Max cried. Dada didn't either, and he always gave Max things so he wouldn't.
"Ohboy. Okay, let's see what we have. Hey Max, want a welding glove?"
Max looked over and started to crawl towards Dada. He still felt mad about the feather and gave Dada a mean look.
Dada laughed. "Oh that's a hell of a pout, Max Factor. If that bottom lip goes out any further you could touch your nose with it."
Max grabbed the glove and bit it. That made him feel better, and he chewed for a while as Dada unhooked him from Magic Cord, picked him up and they went down the beach a little ways. It was getting darker, and the wind was colder, but Max didn't mind.
He smiled at Dada and gave him the glove.
"That's my boy," Dada told him softly. Then Dada tossed him in the air, and Max laughed. He kicked and giggled because this was the best UP. Dada threw him high again, and Max stayed up, laughing.
"Whoa. Max, buddy—um, you have to come down," Dada said in a funny voice. Max let Dada reach up and take him. Max knew Dada was worried, but it was okay.
He patted Dada's beard and said so. "Habababa."
"Yeaaaaaah. Let's not tell Mom about this either," Dada said.
*** *** ***
Max liked Bath. Bath meant he could get naked, and Max LOVED getting naked. When he got naked it felt good, and he could crawl fast and run fast. Max tried to get naked sometimes even when it wasn't Bath, but Mama always put his clothes back on—everything but the socks anyway—and told him he needed not to be a noodie.
He wanted to be a noodie, though. Sometimes Mama and Dada were noodies, and didn't take a bath. They just got noisy and happy in their room.
Max held up his arms so Dada could take his shirt off. When Dada turned, Max took off. He laughed and ran and it felt GREAT. Max wanted to go to the living room, where they lived, and climb on the sofa. He ran and then the Jarvis spoke.
"Your young streaker is in the living room, sir."
"Thanks. Okay, Nature Boy, where do you think you're going?" Dada grumbled. Max could tell that Dada wasn't really mad, so he giggled and climbed on the sofa, waving his arms as he looked out the dark window at the beach.
Noodie was good!
"Whoa, Captain Exhibitionist, the bath is in the other room." Dada said and scooped him up. Max wiggled as Dada carried him off.
"Jarvis?"
"Sir?"
"Save the footage to Pepper's baby file. I'm sure she'll get a kick out of it."
"Consider it done, sir."
Bath was warm, and Max liked that. He splashed. He splashed the wall, and the bubbles and the toys and Dada. Max splashed Dada a lot, and Dada splashed back, which was fun. They sloshed the water and Dada showed Max how to push the bubbles around and make mountains with them.
Dada even showed him how to make a beard with bubbles!
The only thing Max didn't like was hair-washing, so he yelled about it while Dada did it and then rolled him in a towel and called him a burrito.
Max liked his green pajamas because they were fuzzy. He let Dada put them on him, and when Dada carried him out to the living room, Max put his head on Dada's shoulder.
It felt good. Mama liked to sing to him, but Dada just talked, and Max could feel the rumble of his voice which was nice.
"So I was thinking we could hit the Cancun Club tomorrow and see about some new swim shorts, Sport. And if you're good, we might even go down to the park and feed the ducks if you want."
"Geef," Max agreed. He liked feeding the ducks because they quacked and waved their wings. Max put his thumb in his mouth while he and Dada settled down in the rocking chair and Dada picked out a book. The tribbles were in the crib all up by the rail, waiting.
"Ann Likes Red. She looks cute. What do you think, Max?"
Max looked at the picture for a moment, and then smacked the page.
"Gotta be nicer to girls, buddy. They're not for smacking. Ever," Dada murmured. "Understand?"
Max yawned. They read about Ann liking red for her dress and her shoes and her coat and then Max fell asleep because he didn't remember the end.
Later Max woke up for a little bit. He could hear Mama and Dada talking out in the living room, but he was too tired to make noise.
"So, everything went okay?" Mama asked.
"Oh yeah. By the third Girls Gone Wild DVD he was out," Dada told her.
Mama made a huffy noise, but Max knew she was laughing. "Tony!"
"Oh give me a break—although there *is* some new video footage of a suggestive nature that our little pant-less wonder stars in."
"Got away from you at bath time, did he?" Mama said, and Max grinned.
He sighed and rolled over, and the tribbles crowded around humming softly. Out in the living room, he could hear Mama and Dada purring at each other, and that was good too. Max closed his eyes and went to sleep.