This doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I just got back from 11 hours in a car on a highway, doing nothing but watching trees go by and thinking about wtf i'm going to do with this. XD hopefully it's going to stay a fourshot, because i'm beginning to like this for some reason. :|
oh yeah, and I also felt kind of mean not updating after two days, but i'm sure that sounds ridiculous to some people. Bahahah. Either way, attempt to enjoy while I figure out how i'm going to make this live up to its M rating, if at all. xD
I'm beginning to think there's some underlying cause to this.
Because now it's her turn to mess with my head; one minute I was sitting here with a bucket of fried chicken, soothing my aching heart if you wanna get all sappy, watching the static fuzz on the television. The next? There's some beautiful girl perched over top of me, and my chicken is all over the carpet. I'm about to yell at her for that, before I realize, oh hell, it's Carly, and before I can say or ask anything, her lips are all over mine again, and it's almost like coming home after not being there in days. It's the only place you want to be, and it seems so far away, but now it's right here in the last place I really want to be, because I hate my house; it's all full of empty Jack Daniels bottles and the smell of alcohol and sweat and drugs and dirt. Carly's like some tiny piece of heaven right now, surrounded by all this madness and un-home and guilt that fills the place.
And I'm enjoying this, oh hell, am I ever enjoying this, before I feel all too soft hands at the base of my stomach, and I wrench away from her completely, like I don't know her and she's something foreign and horrible and wrong. That's the way it's supposed to be, right?
Carly's face that's supposed to be so perfect looks disheveled and hurt, and her eyes are so bloodshot, and that hair I love to play with is all over the place (I don't think I did that), like she didn't even try to wake up this morning. Like she almost fits in with her surroundings. We sit in silence for a few moments, catching our much-needed breaths and trying to read each other's faces, like it's going to work any better than it did a few days ago.
"What are you doing?" I ask her confusedly, not really sure if I was asking a simple question or something that ran much deeper. She finger-combs her hair nervously.
"You...haven't been in school for two days," she states, avoiding what I was really asking, as if it's anything out of the ordinary, and almost as if I didn't know it myself. I chuckle darkly.
"Did you expect me to be?" comes from my mouth before I can really stop it, and I cringe inwardly at how cold that sounded. I could almost see Carly mentally flinch at that blow, staring at me for a little while like she's gathering her thoughts together and slowly piecing them together before she dares to speak. She sighs before taking a big breath, and I prepare myself for what sounds like it might be another cannon blast to that brick wall that separates my feelings from the rest of the world, or a really long rambling.
"Look, Sam," Shit, I didn't like how that started. "I know I hurt you, okay? And I'm sorry, I really am." But... "But, I've been thinking a lot lately," Really? You too? "And..." My heart jumps like some frog leaping for a lily pad that's way out in the middle of a lake, hoping for something that probably won't happen. But we can all dream, right? "I think..." Said heart suddenly takes a totally different turn when it starts beating, really beating for the first time in a while, because Carly's leaning in a little too close for comfort, to the point where her semi-heavy breathing tickles my ear. "...I want to love you."
And now that heart can't decide whether it wants to just pause for a little bit and cease its fast-tempoed beating, or explode like some really damn colorful fireworks. Or maybe both.
Likewise, I don't even know what to say.
So, I stupidly say, "Why?" because it's the only coherent thought I can think right now. Carly pulls back far enough that I can see her chuckle kind of cutely, because we both know that was a stupid reaction to a declaration of almost-love.
"I don't know," she starts, and I feel glad that we're both at the same point in this. "I guess maybe because yeah, you're just Sam, and...you've always been there, like, been there, and you're not some icky boy, and...I just trust you, and...does that make any sense at all?" I grin, because it does, it really does, and it's everything I've felt since that fucking day in English earlier this week, so I nod fervently. She smiles like she knew I'd understand; she probably did.
"So...what does this mean?" I whisper like I don't really want to know, when I really do, because I'm an impatient person and I just can't take things like this slow. "Like...are we an us?" Carly half-smiles at the question, because it just sounds funny. Then she shrugs.
"Won't that...complicate things? I mean, you know what I told you, I can't have that with you..." I have to shut her up, because she just stabbed me in the chest by resurrecting those words that hurt me the most.
"No way Carls, that's not going to happen, and you know it," I whisper as comfortingly as I could, moving to diminish those couple inches between us. "We can only get stronger, you know," I promise with a smile, that takes her a few seconds before she returns, and while it might look a little weak, and almost forced, it's a start. It's a start of a lot of things.
"I hope so," Carly says almost inaudibly, like I wasn't supposed to hear that, as she rests her head on my shoulder, eyes fixed on the static television like it's actually interesting. It's a few minutes of sitting there just feeling the safety of each other before she speaks again, "Hey Sam, can I bunk here for the night?" And while my hormones are screaming Hell yes! at me, the Sam part of me knows that protecting Carly is more important than anything else. And judging by the fact that it's a Wednesday, there's actually a possibility of my mom coming home tonight, and a chance that she'll come home a raging drunk, and probably an even bigger chance that she'll come home a raging drunk with another male raging drunk by her side. And I can't take chances, not ever, and especially not now.
"I really don't think that's a good idea," I tell her as warmly as I can, but I see her recoil a little like she just got hit. Fuck. "No, Carls, no, it's not that I don't want you to, it's just..." and then she starts breaking a little, and a little more, until finally she reaches her capacity and tears just start spilling over, trickling down her cheeks faster than I can wipe them away. So instead, I pull her into a tight hug and let her just soak my shirt, wondering what I said that hurt her this bad.
"I'm sorry," Carly whimpers, as if she really should be, sniffling and wiping away what remains of her tears as I wait for her to explain. "I don't really have anywhere else to go...I've been trying to make Spencer understand for days now, he just..." A second wave of tears threaten to pour out, and I do my best to rub her back comfortingly, seemingly working. "...He just wants me to be so perfect, you know? Everyone does. They just want me to be so perfect, like I'm some kind of...fucking doll...I think they forget I have feelings sometimes." I wish I could imagine what that felt like, so I could help her, but I could definitely see where perfect little Carly Shay skipping through the door and announcing to her big brother that she's in love with her best friend could cause some issues.
"So what you're trying to say is, if I had a penis, there wouldn't be a problem?" I ask jokingly with a smile, trying to lighten the mood.
"I think there would be more problems if you did," Carly giggles, snuggling back up closer to me, and I decide she can stay for tonight, but I don't tell her about what might happen should my mom come home, because I can't bring myself to disturb this moment of peace, because I know it's about to all get shot to hell; things are starting to happen that way. And maybe there's an underlying cause; maybe some Greater Being is trying to throw me off this ride.
--
"Oh my God, Sam, put that down!"
"Ten minute rule!"
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That last part had no real point to it, lmfao.