DISCLAIMER: I don't own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, but I do own the original characters introduced in this story and my other stories (except where stated otherwise here or elsewhere by myself). The exceptions are Oruki and Naru, Haruhi's parents, who JonBob0008 has given permission for use of.

A/N: Cheers again go to Crazyeight for beta-reading.

"Isn't this brilliant?"

No. Most people would be surprised to wake up in the body of one of their classmates. I sure am.

But then again, Haruhi isn't 'most people'.

"What are you talking about? Why wouldn't anyone be amazed by this?"

I still couldn't get her real voice out of my head as I heard those words from her voice…I mean…my voice…his voice…you know what I mean. Look, let's just call this guy…uh…Kyon-Haruhi. And then I'm Haruhi-Kyon. Understand?

Good, because I definitely don't. My head aches just thinking about it.

"Geez, cheer up already. This is amazing."

Yes. I get the idea. It's amazing. It's brilliant. Get a thesaurus already. "Aren't you even a little worried about all this?"

"Why would I be? Whatever's going on, I'm sure it'll only last so long, so there's no time to waste."

"I'm hoping it only lasts so long too. I want my own body back." I don't trust you with it.

"I won't harm it."

I just want it back, okay? Haruhi, I'm sure you did this…come on, just fix things. Please! This is a step too far.

"Why are you staring at me like that? What are you thinking about?"

"Uh…nothing."

"This is the most interesting thing that's ever happened. Maybe it's aliens trying to experiment on us? Maybe they don't understand what genders are? We have to find them and correct their mistakes!"

"Haruhi, doesn't anything about this strike you as…wrong?"

"Well, only that moron Taniguchi. I told him where to go."

Great. Thanks Haruhi. He'll have another reason to mock me.

"You know, I thought you'd be a lot happier about this – stuck in the body of a pretty girl."

Seeing me raise my eyebrows like that was just…wrong. This isn't exactly how I wanted to see my first naked girl, you know?

In fact, never mind. You've never cared too much about privacy, after all.

I shuddered at the thought. I really hope she doesn't pull the same trick, or worse, now she's in my body. I'd never be able to live that down. Taniguchi would have even more reason to poke fun.

I noticed that I…uh…Haruhi…was looking strangely irritated.

What did I say this time? Nothing, to tell the truth. I realised that anything else I said would only be used against me. Surely I couldn't have messed up? This universe can't be that bad.

Haruhi, as me, stared out the window melancholically as Okabe began homeroom. So much for speaking to me.

What did I say?

THE CURIOSITY OF HARUHI SUZUMIYA III

By Blazing Chaos

All 'Kyon' seemed to do for the rest of the morning was gaze out the window endlessly, only occasionally breaking it to nudge me with a pen and remind me how fantastic this all was. I didn't even see him write with the pen, but with the amount of work he managed to get done, I'm pretty sure Haruhi hasn't lost any of her intelligence in all this.

Actually, why am I complaining? He's doing my work for me, after all.

At lunch, I wasn't sure what to do. I'm pretty certain that Taniguchi and Kunikida would be surprised to have Haruhi sitting with them.

Still, I had the uneasy feeling that I needed the bathroom again, a feeling so familiar but so different too to what I'm used to. I almost went through the wrong door, not that half the guys in this school would complain. For all of her eccentricities, there's no denying that Haruhi's attractive, even if Taniguchi won't reveal her rating.

Wait…that means half the guys in this school now find me attractive. Oh man, that thought…

I really hope there's no-one in here. I need a moment to think without more crazy stuff happening. I barely get enough time for that in my own body.

Walking in, it still took me a moment to realise there weren't any urinals. See, I'm used to being a guy. I prefer being a guy. At least there isn't a queue for these loos though. In fact, they were empty. Looks like I got my wish. I'm definitely not complaining.

Hmm…wish? Could this have something to do with Haruhi's powers? Or is it a coincidence? How would I test them anyway? I don't believe in any of that Espers, aliens and time travellers stuff.

I mean…I didn't believe in all of that stuff. Now I'm pretty certain of it.

Finishing up in the stall, I looked myself in the mirror for the millionth time. Sure enough, I still saw Haruhi staring back at me. I even felt a bit of fear, seeing her looking me right in the eyes like that. I remember how angry she was at me when I told her about my homework plans. Or when we were filming and I nearly…you know what, forget it. I'd rather forget all of that. One problem at a time.

Just what was I going to do? How long would I be like this? Why did Haruhi want this, anyhow? Was it really Haruhi doing this? I was beginning to have my doubts. She wanted Espers, aliens and time travellers – the supernatural. Why would she want this? Okay, it wasn't really 'natural', but this is a bit different to what she usually wants.

I kept staring in the mirror. I was glad the lack of makeup wasn't too noticeable, although I can't say I really know how to tell. Haruhi probably spent years learning how to put that on – how on earth am I meant to manage that without even knowing what she does?

I slammed my hand into my forehead. "Good grief." I'd gotten myself into another of Haruhi's games. Giants, baseball, graffiti, filming, an endless summer – I'd been through so much thanks to her. What if I hadn't joined this club? Not that I had a choice.

My life would be boring. Maybe. Right now, I think I'd prefer it. Of all the people she had to swap bodies with – she could've been Itsuki or Nagato and had amazing powers, or been Asahina and had amazing breasts. Either way, I'm sure she'd have had fun. So why me instead?

I found that I'd made a ponytail out of my hair while thinking with my creeping hand. Just what was going through my mind?

"Found you!"

I dropped the ponytail when I heard my own voice. 'Kyon' grinned so widely at me as he stormed in.

"How's the body?"

Okay, why am I the only one here who is freaked at all by this? Come on Haruhi, aren't you ever unnerved? Even when those giants were attacking, you still grinned. Heck, you were scared more by the empty school than by your death approaching you.

"You know that guys aren't allowed in the girls' bathroom. If anything, you should get out, hypocrite."

"How does that make any sense? I'm the one in the girl's body."

"I won't see anything here I haven't seen before – how can I trust a pervert like you in here with all these girls?"

Great, so when it comes to stripping Asahina down or taking your clothes off for PE, that's fine, but when it comes to going in the girls' bathroom when I'm actually a girl, that's wrong? Does Haruhi ever hear herself speak?

"But that doesn't make any difference – if some teacher finds me here…I mean…you here, I'll, I mean, you'll get expelled." And then I would be too once this all returned to normal.

"Ugh, you worry too much. This is the best thing that's ever happened!"

No. Screening the movie and not having food thrown at me was a good thing for me. Escaping a time loop was a better thing for me. And now you're claiming that this body swap is the best thing – forever and ever and ever and for everyone who's ever existed?

"Maybe I can finally learn what you guys are always talking about."

I'm guessing that's a yes. And what does she think we talk about? I don't think I've ever had a really secret and interesting conversation with a guy – except maybe with Itsuki. No, I'm much more interested in what girls talk about behind our backs. Unfortunately, whatever god made this situation, Haruhi or not, decided to stick me in the one girl who never has such conversations. Damn.

"I don't know – maybe you talk about which girl you think is hottest?"

"No – that's just Taniguchi." I'm not sure what he rates you. You probably have your own scale.

"Ugh, I wouldn't want to be on any scale of that freak."

So why did you date him then? On second thoughts, better not ask – I'm pretty sure the answer will just be "to see if he's not an ordinary human, of course."

"To see if he's not an ordinary human, of course."

"So it took you five minutes to work that out?" If aliens or time travellers or Espers were really coming to Earth for any real purpose, would they really send Taniguchi?

"No, it just took me five minutes to meet up with him for that date. God, he didn't even bring flowers or anything – talk about a lack of romance."

I'm reckoning you're the one who gave him five minutes to meet up. He asked you out over the phone, right? You try buying flowers that fast. You know, actually, forget that. I really shouldn't be sticking up for Taniguchi given how much he rambles on at me every morning about the wonderful girls he's either meeting later or never going to meet while stuck at North High. Oh, and he has this strange idea that we're in a relationship.

"Uh-huh."

'Kyon' tilted his head at me.

"Hmm…you're still not happy about this?"

You win 500 points for an obvious comment.

"No I don't – you can't give out points. I'm the Brigade Chief, remember?"

And yet somehow I doubt that people will believe you if you…oh who am I kidding, Itsuki will just fall at your feet like normal. By which I mean my feet. That's quite creepy really.

I groaned. "I wouldn't want this to happen in a million years."

'Kyon' frowned like I'd just knocked down her house of cards, a frown that preceded anger. "Yeah, well, I remember the last time you said something like that!"

Uh…what?

"Yeah – when we were in the school and those huge blue…oh…wait…that was a dream." She sounded so sad about it too. I mean, he did. 'Kyon' did. "I hate those déjà-vu moments – just who's planting them?"

You are. At least, you were, once. Seriously, I find it amazing you of all people don't remember. Always the eye of the storm.

'Kyon' put his hands on his hips. Looks like I just burst her bubble somewhat. Frowning, he stepped forward. "Come here – my hair looks ridiculous."

"Huh?"

"You're the girl – you move."

Correction. You're Haruhi, you always get your way. Like the spineless blob I am, in my own body or not, I stepped forward, feeling a great unease as my own hands were run across my face and past my neck.

"Haven't you ever done your hair before?"

"No – I don't have to worry about it. I'm a guy…normally."

"Really? I had to put gel in this morning to get it right – it was all awful when I got out the shower."

I'm trying to resist the mental image of Haruhi controlling my body in the shower. Would she be more or less prudish than me? Of all girls, she's the hardest to guess.

"You just need to dry it off – it settles."

"Yeah, but it doesn't do you any favours."

Given that pretty much every girl I know is either unusual or is too scared by my association with you to even look at me in class, I doubt somehow that I need to worry about it. I'm not exactly the most popular guy in school, but I'm not unpopular, and I'm not about to mess around with my hair for hours on end just in the hope it'll make some random girl in the corridor look at me differently one day.

Of course, I didn't exactly say that to Haruhi, but I think she got the gist.

"Fine…fine…" She had paused with her…uh…'Kyon's' hands on my…err…'Haruhi's' shoulders, looking into my eyes. "You shouldn't be caring about random girls anyway – you should be putting 110% into the SOS Brigade. It depends on you for menial chores.

As much as she admits my purpose in the brigade, I somehow doubt she would change it. Yes, looks like I'm stuck as a slave forever.

"Fine."

"Wow, I didn't expect to walk in on this in the bathroom, nyoro~!"

That speech mannerisms. That long tail of greenish blue hair which distinctly reminded me of Suzumiya's when we first met. It could be only one person. Tsuruya.

Now, if you're wondering what she was talking about, you really haven't been paying attention. 'Kyon' was standing there with his hands on my, 'Haruhi's', shoulders, and staring into her eyes. In the girl's bathroom. In the girl's empty bathroom.

Looks like whatever 'Haruhi Power' I had to influence that, it's gone now.

'Kyon' shuffled back before I could notice, while I just stood there, probably looking stupid and galled by it all. Why was I anyhow? Tsuruya was just labouring under a misconception, that's all. Only problem is, with my school I haven't had much luck with dealing with 'misconceptions'.

At least Taniguchi didn't force me to explain things. I have so much to thank his idiocy for.

"We were talking about…" I began to explain.

"So, Kyon, liking the girl's bathroom? You're a megas naughty boy, aren't ya?"

There was something so strange about watching this situation from afar, being the girl in this case as a beaming Tsuruya who quickly descended into an unexpected bout of laughter. You know what, this is Tsuruya we're talking about – forget the 'unexpected part'.

I noticed 'Kyon' look across to me apprehensively. What did he expect me to say? I was perfectly fine until Haruhi decided to break down the gender rules.

"Now come on Kyon, before Haruhi gets you in any more trouble," Tsuruya said, giggling as she placed her hands on my…uh…'Kyon's' back and, in spite of Haruhi's objections, escorted him from the room. "Sly devil, nyoro~!"

For once, I was glad. In spite of Tsuruya now winking at me, and the fact that this event would probably become common knowledge in the school very quickly (furthering the theory that Haruhi and I was 'up to something'), I was glad she had given me a break. I couldn't spend my whole day with her following me everywhere – I need a chance to really think.

Damn my big mouth…uh…mind.

'Kyon' broke back into the toilets, Tsuruya actually looking surprised until 'he' grabbed my arm and dragged me back outside. I didn't bother to object – Haruhi wouldn't have listened, and Tsuruya was too busy giggling again. Just what makes that girl so easily tickled?

So here we are again. Even with us switched, at the end of the day it's still Haruhi dragging me down the hallway.

"Haruhi…"

"It's Kyon."

What, so she's taking my name now?!

"Duh! Everyone will find out otherwise. We have to keep this all secret.

Great, so now I'm not allowed to tell anyone? And why not? About the only way I'm going to solve this is with Nagato's help. Or one of Itsuki's crackpot theories. Or, at a stretch, a trip into the past courtesy of one Mikuru Asahina.

"I don't think people mind when it's you dragging me." Bastards. "But right now I don't think this looks right."

"What do you mean?"

"People will just see a guy dragging a girl down the hallway and get the wrong idea."

Why did I say that? Two seconds later, 'Kyon' had dropped my hand, letting me tumble to the floor and only just catch myself thanks to 'Haruhi's' vastly superior sense of balance. Crossing his arms, 'Kyon' glared down at me, a frighteningly close approximation to the glare Haruhi would always normally wear when angered. Usually at me.

"You're ruining this Kyon. I've wanted something to happen for so long."

Again, why would you want this? This isn't supernatural – it's just freaky.

"That's my job to decide! I'm the Brigade Chief, you're just a lowly grunt – I do the thinking around here."

But yesterday, weren't you asking me to think up ideas for the website?

"That's different."

I recovered myself and climbed to my feet. "How is that different?"

"Because I say so."

The logic of Haruhi Suzumiya in a nutshell.

Before I could object (if I even wanted to), he had already turned and stormed off. Good riddance. Now I might have some time to come to terms with this. She might even be pissed off enough that she returns things to normal. That'd be a relief. Maybe that's all I have to do – irritate her to the point where she doesn't want things like this anymore? That can't be too hard.

Unless…unless it's me who has control over this. Do I have her powers, or don't I?

I began to wander the hallways. It wasn't like I could go to class as usual – Haruhi never ate her lunch there, and I hardly wanted to raise anyone's suspicions. Not that anyone would suspect this, of course. Still, I was certain that, even wandering randomly, I wouldn't bump into 'Kyon'. Haruhi practically vanished every lunchtime.

Hmm…if she's angry and still has her powers, then Itsuki must be busy right now. I'll ask him later – it'd help explain a lot.

Only problem was…how would I get him apart from the others?

Oh yeah, I forget. I'm 'Haruhi'. Itsuki kisses my arse constantly. I just had to stop him realising that I wasn't actually Haruhi. At least until we talked. Then he could find out all he wanted to…

To anyone watching, they might have been surprised why Haruhi had just stopped at the top of the stairs. Then again, given who we're talking about here, they probably wouldn't have been. Why did I stop? Because I just realised exactly what my problem is right now.

Haruhi is me, 'Kyon'. And Itsuki talks to 'Kyon' about everything. Mikuru does too, and on the rare occasions she lets out more than a peep, Nagato does too. How the hell am I going to stop that happening?

I realised now there was no choice – it was imperative that I told them before Haruhi took advantage of the situation. She couldn't learn the truth – if she knew, and then things went back to normal, who knows what could happen? This is proof of the supernatural enough without her learning that it really has been on her doorstep all this time.

At least, from a person whose words she gives a damn about.

The only problem was – how could I even tell Itsuki? Sure, I could get aside from 'Kyon', but she might stop me - she doesn't want anyone to find out. Hold on, wait…

"Maybe I can finally learn what you guys are always talking about."

She didn't mean "guys". She meant us. Itsuki, Nagato, Asahina and I.

I felt the floor lurch, threatening to throw me down the stairs as the truth hit me hard. This was everything she wanted. She wanted to find out what we were talking about. In fact, our attempts to keep it from her had tempted the one person with the ability to find out to take advantage of it, albeit via the freakiest way possible. What could I do?

It wasn't like the others would listen to me like this either. They wouldn't even run the slightest risk that this 'Haruhi' is still actually Haruhi – not least Itsuki, he'd be worried the universe might explode or something.

But I had to try.

I spent the next few minutes wandering the corridors randomly. No luck. None of them were to be found, not even in their own classes, not even in the clubroom. Just where do they go? Just where do any of them go?

And so, with the bell ringing and a feeling of dread creeping up on me, I crawled back to class.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed this chapter. It was fun to write, not least because Tsuruya's a fun character to write for, Haruhi's enjoying this way too much, and Kyon is just coming to terms with what's at stake here. The question is – will he manage to tell the others before they accidentally blab to 'Kyon'?

Speaking of which – from now on, I'm going to call their bodies in quotes, like 'Haruhi' and 'Kyon', while their minds will be like normal. So it's Haruhi in 'Kyon', and 'Kyon' in Haruhi. Got that? Hope so, 'cause the biggest problem with a story like this is making it clear what on earth I'm talking about. Ah well.

Until next time…

B.C.