HEAVY CRACK WARNING

Authoresses' apologies for excessive OOCness, randomness, and emo guy bashing. Brace yourselves, 'cause this is where the crack really gets going.

Presenting (after the super long wait), the much anticipated:

Chapter 4- Team Akai Ito (Red Thread)

" Sasuke. What are we going to do with that?" Neji asked, jabbing a thumb over his shoulder, gesturing at the hapless 'thing-in-a-revolting-green-sailor-uniform' who was currently failing about, calling in a disgusting tone for her precious 'hot shinobi guys' and crashing through the forest in the wrong direction.

Sasuke shrugged. " Wait for her to die? That'd save us the trouble of killing her."

Shino nodded appreciatively. " I'll send Jeremy the 871st to track her down and make certain of her death."

Neji snorted. " Jeremy the 871st? What happened to the others?"

" Well, Jeremy the 4386th is on Kurenai-sensei and she's back in Konoha, and Jeremy the 54th is tracking Hinata's team. Jeremy the 968th is in Lee's pocket, Jeremy the 22nd is on Naruto's head, Jeremy the..." Shino rambled.

" OKAY! SHUT UP ALREADY!" Sasuke snapped. " Deal with the thing in green first."

Neji glared at Sasuke for interrupting Shino's blathering. " I was having fun."

Sasuke met his glare and stared back icily. " And he was bothering me."

" So? Can't a shinobi have entertainment?"

" No."

" Right. I know you enjoy tormenting Naruto. Cut the act."

"That's a different story."

"No, it isn't."

"Yes, it is. Naruto's my best friend. What's Shino to you?"

" Entertainment!"

" Well, I think that's..."

As the doujutsu users argued over whether to shut Shino up, Shino, the object of their quarrel, sighed. " What have I become?"

" HOT SHINOBI GUUUUYS!!! Your Kagome-chan is waiting for you! Where are you hiding? That's so cute! You're too embarrassed to talk to me right? *Squeal!*" Kagome practically screamed into the forest, punctuating something close to an all out war between Sasuke and Neji.

Both boys twitched. " That's it. She's too noisy. She's going to die."

" Let's just drop a stick on her head." Shino suggested.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. " She's not another Jeremy, Shino. She's a bloody cockroach."

Shino, angered by the other's disregard of him considering the fact that he rarely opened his mouth to speak at all, pushed up his sunglasses and glared at Sasuke menacingly. " Sasuke. The leader of this team is me. I suggest that you listen."

" Stop screwing around!" Sasuke screamed, at Shino, frustrated at that comment.

" The leader of this team is that pathetic little girl and her dirty fluff-ball!" Neji added. Then he twitched. What was Sasuke doing with his bag? " Sasuke. What are you doing?" He asked, voice quivering, as he decided to voice his thoughts out loud.

Sasuke let out a pleased exclamation as he yanked out a white sheet from the Hyuuga's backpack. " Just what I need. Thanks Neji."

Neji sported numerous tick marks. He watched, spasming, as Sasuke lifted a gleaming kunai and brought it down on the cloth, ripping it up. " WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY DISINFECTED SHEET?!?!?!?!?!" Neji screamed, unable to handle the stress any longer, and dashed forwards to scrabble at the cloth. " Its for emergency treatment of infections and other injuries only! What are you doing to it?!!" Neji yanked on the cloth. " Give back!"

Sasuke tugged harder on the other side, unwilling to yield his hold over the cloth. " No!" He grunted. They started a little tug-of-war game with the sheet. A moment later, a ripping sound echoed through the clearing.

Neji dropped the bit of cloth he was holding, face ashen. " No..." He murmured, shocked.

Sasuke smirked. " Hey, it looks a lot more better now!" A tattered bit of cloth, wrinkled and torn in parts by their tugging, lay on the ground. " Don't you think so, Neji? Now I can scare the stupid thing in green, eh?" Sasuke chuckled evilly at the thought. Hearing no response from the other, Sasuke turned. " Neji?"

Hyuuga Neji, the great Hyuuga prodigy, was lying on the grassy floor, eyes glazed over, and muttering something along the lines of, " Now, without my sterile white cloth, I lay me down to rest after seventeen years of cruel, unsanitary life..."

" Uh. Neji...are you okay?" Sasuke paused and sweat-dropped. Neji seemed not to hear him.

" Leave him be Sasuke. I was that way too when Jeremy the First died." Shino said morosely, as though remembering his precious dead Jeremy.

Sasuke edged away from the two suddenly unstable guys. " Uh...right. I'll just go and, uh, continue ripping this cloth up then. Don't mind me." He muttered, picked up his kunai, and started slashing away at the cloth with much vigor while trying to ignore Neji's pained gasps.

Stomping sounds roused a now completely depressed Neji. Groggily, he squinted at the source of the noise. Sasuke and Shino were both jumping up and down wildly on something. Something white. I think I'm missing something here... Oh, wait... The memories of his dearest white cloth came flooding back to him, and his jaw dropped after seeing its current state now. He shook it off. As long as he didn't need to use that, he'll live. Shino sent out his kikaichuu to eat away certain bits of the cloth. Neji immediately found himself wishing all of them a stomachache.

" Oh look. He's finally awake." Came an eerie voice from his right. Activating his byakugan, he saw a second Sasuke leaning casually, back up against a tree. Neji sat up, bits of grass caught in his tousled hair and sticking on the back of his shirt. " Are you the bunshin?" He asked distantly.

The Sasuke against the tree smirked. " No."

" Well good," Neji replied, opted not to use the Juuken style for once, and curled his hands into fists. " 'Cause you RUINED something I've been saving for MONTHS!" Neji rushed up to a now panicking Sasuke and socked him in the jaw.

In no time, a huge dust cloud was kicked up and indecipherable yelling started up, rousing a tired Shino from his short rest. " There they go again..." He sighed. When their brief 'bicker' ended, a pristine Neji stood up stiffly and stomped off, muttering about 'stupid Uchihas and their stupid bloated heads and their stupid huge egos', leaving a very tattered and deflated Sasuke on the floor.

" Okay, so on the signal, drop the Kikaichuu head." Sasuke directed.

Neji glared, still sore and miserable over the loss of his sheet. " Why not chop off your head and dangle it there instead? I bet it'll be much more convincing."

Sasuke glared past a swollen eye, a bleeding nose and puffy cheeks. " There's nothing wrong with my face. NOTHING."

Neji snorted. " Yeah right."

" Here it comes!" Shino whispered intensely. Sasuke and Neji immediately clamped up waiting the arrival of something very, very, unpleasant. It did not disappoint them.

" HOT SHINOBI GUUUUUUYYYYYYYSSSSSS!!!!" The thing in green and its dirty little fluff-ball made its grand entrance by crashing into the forest, managing to rival a stampede of violent rhinos.

" Now!" whispered Neji, eyes fixated on the thing in front of them. The three of them scatted at his signal.

Kagome whipped around, feeling uncomfortable. Where were her hot Shinobi guys? " HOT SHINOBI GUUYS! HEEELP!" She screeched, clutching Shippo tightly. Shippo shivered, the eerie atmosphere getting to him. Kagome turned back and screamed. Inuyasha's decapitated and bloody head was dangling in front of her, by some silken spider thread, right next to Miroku's and Sango's. She whipped around to run, but bumped into a silent, unmoving and COLD shadow (that was of course, a kikaichuu-coated Shino). The shadow stared at her noiselessly.

She screamed again and turned to her left, only to be faced with a giggling specter with bloody eyes (sharinganed Sasuke, by the way) and dark hair, which fell across a bruised and bloodied face (courtesy of Neji). Almost blacking out, Kagome screamed again and turned to her right, running smack into an unnaturally large tree trunk. As she slowly pulled herself back up, a ghostly white figure with straggly long hair curtaining its face, in a tattered white robe (Neji's disinfected sheet) and bulging veins around it's eyes (duh, byakuganed Neji) stepped forwards, moaning eerily (about his cloth and how dirty he was going to get).

As Kagome clutched the unconscious Shippo and backed into the middle of the spooky clearing, Sasuke, Neji, and Shino stepped closer, whispering in a deathly, icy tone. " Die..." They took another step closer. " Die..."

And yes, you guessed it; the wimp-in-green and its mangled fluff-ball fainted. Neji tugged off the dirty piece of cloth immediately as Sasuke released hold over the genjutsu, which made the ghostly atmosphere.

" That was surprisingly easy."

" Why am I the one who's lugging it around?"

Neji had Kagome hung limply from his back and the fluff-ball, sorry, Shippo, lay on his head. Kagome murmured something about nice smelling hair and buried her face in his neck. Neji dropped her abruptly. Sasuke snickered.

" Why can't either you or Shino carry her? You know, my fan-girls might end up killing her when they see me like this. It's not going to be my problem if leader-baka ends up frozen and dead." Neji said, half-whining and half-hoping that the other two would get the hint to please take over his load.

" Well neither can I. I bet my fan-girls will burn her and stuff her into a tiny black box and stab the box and..." Sasuke droned on emotionlessly.

" I can't carry her. Jer-Jer the 76th has threatened to stop laying eggs if I ever touch a female." Shino explained.
The rookies of their respective years glanced conspiringly at each other. The picked up the thing-in-a-disgusting-short-miniskirt and its rabbit's foot and dumped them on Shino. Shino stumbled. The two doujutsu users grinned and sped off, discussing various torture techniques. Shino sighed and started after them, a green blob dangling off his back and a fuzzy thing on the hood of his coat.

Less than half an hour later, Shino, who was in the lead, suddenly stopped. He writhed. Several large bumps started moving under his skin. " My Jer-Jers are rioting!" He gasped before 49 huge black kikaichuus popped out of his sleeves.

Sasuke and Neji twitched as 49 black blobs sped towards them, squeaking as they flew. Together, they started chattering angrily, forming a council of Jer-Jers around the two boys. Through the buzz of the angry female kikaichuus, Shino spoke up. " Do you want me to translate? My Jer-Jers are illiterate, you know."

Sasuke blinked. Neji just stood there blankly. Both were unsure of what to do in this bizarre situation. As the Jer-Jers start up a cacophony of squeaks, clicks and chitters, Shino sighed, and cleared his throat. " My Jer-Jers say," then, he suddenly reverted to a high, squeaky, girly falsetto. " How can you do this to Shi-chan! He's already.." Shino trailed off. He stared at Sasuke and Neji. Sasuke was tearing in mirth, trying to choke down chuckles. Neji was scratching his head. " Er, excuse me. I have to pee." He said nervously. He excused himself into the bushes a good ten meters away. Sasuke and Shino stared at the spot where he melted into the trees. A scream of mirth, then a huge bout of laughter and giggles. This continued for a good 15 minutes before the laughter stopped. Neji came back looking composed. " I'm sorry. Please continue."

Shino nodded. " Shi-chan is all tired form taking care of all of us and you back him tired by making him carry that heavy thing!" Shino said, almost trilling at the end. He stopped again. Neji was tearing, forcing a straight face on. Sasuke cleared his throat loudly, a large smirk on his face. " Sorry Shino. I suddenly feel the urge to, uh, converse with mother earth as well." He immediately retreated into the trees a good 20 meters away. Shino and Neji watched and listened intently. An exclamation of indecipherable origins and a large array of laughs, snorts, giggles and chokes sounded. This continued for about 20 minutes, and a very composed Sasuke strolled back into the clearing. " I'm sorry for the interruption. Please continue." He said coolly.

Shino cleared his throat. " And it stinks too! How dare you make him carry it!" He whined femininely. Then he had to pause AGAIN. This time, Neji was a melted puddle of bubbling mirth on the floor and Sasuke was a deflated thing, wheezing and trying to breathe through his chuckles. Shino rolled his eyes. " I know it's funny, but seriously, this is getting annoying."

Sasuke stood up, brushing away the leaves stuck in his hair. " Sorry. It's just so...so..." " Disturbing?" Neji offered. " Yeah. Disturbing. And gross. Can you please stop with that voice?"

The Jer-Jers chattered angrily, almost on the verge of attack poor petrified Neji and Sasuke. Shino sighed, reverted to his squeaky voice and said, " What's wrong with his voice?! Isn't it the most wondrous voice on Earth? Don't you think that you should RESPECT us TOILING females who struggle to lay eggs and bear the immense pain?! Now you're complaining about a WHIM of yours?! This is ridiculous!" He literally shrieked. As Neji and Sasuke struggled to keep straight, respectfully haughty faces, for once, Kagome helped. By waking up and screaming at the altitude.

All three guys twitched. " SHUT UP!' All three whipped around a glared menacingly at Kagome, not in the mood to deal with her. Kagome -finally- regained awareness of her surroundings- the top of a tree branch. She screamed, banged her head on the tree trunk, suffered a concussion and promptly fainted. Oh and did I mention? She somehow managed to fall off the branch. Joy. Shino just stood there. Sasuke yawned. Neji blinked. " Er, she just fell off right?" Shino asked.

" Ah." Sasuke and Neji confirmed, as they looked at the wimp-in-a-revolting-green-thing as it fell.

" And aren't you going to do something about that?"

" Nah." Both doujutsu users replied, sniggering at the small explosion of twigs and leaves.

" You know, because I don't care either way, so I'm going to use this to propel her up." Sasuke grinned evilly, lifting an explosive tagged kunai for all to see before promptly dropping it. A huge explosion took place, before a blackened, still unconscious Kagome flew up.

Neji got what Sasuke was trying to do and smirked. " And because she's so high up, I'll use another one to bring her down." He carelessly flicked a kunai, coated with explosive tags skywards, and a huge explosion sounded.

A crisp Kagome fluttered down, landing on Shino's head. " Thanks a ton." Shino glared at the 'geniuses'. Sasuke was forcing of a straight face. Neji was visibly tearing and chuckling. Shino unceremoniously dumped the wimp on the floor and flashed off. Neji and Sasuke stared at Kagome, then at Shino's retreating back, before their gazes landed on each other.

" Loser carries?" Sasuke suggested.

" Fine with me." Neji shrugged.

Then the both of them started yelling. " JAN-KEN-PON!" Sasuke's hand was curled into a fist, hovering below Neji's jaw. Neji's palm scraped Sasuke's nose in a wide-open Jyuuken stance. " Hah! I won! Sasuke carries the thing!" Neji grinned in glee, and practically skipped off, catching up with Shino.

" Damn." Sasuke cursed his misfortune. " I should have guessed. But sticking my fingers up his nose would be disgusting though..." Sighing, he grabbed the collar of Kagome's uniform, picked Shippo up by the tail, and began catching up to the happy emo-guys in front.

" Ey GUYS! Wait up!" Sasuke yelled. Neji and Shino stopped in their tracks.

" Hurry up! I'm worried about Hinata-sama!"

"I want to find that Naraku bastard quickly so that my Jer-Jers can incubate in peace!"

Then suddenly, both guys in the lead stopped complaining. What was that thing Sasuke was flailing around?

" Kuso, this stupid thing keeps getting stuck... It's so fat!" Sasuke whined and violently yanked Kagome out of a prickly thorn bush. Neji gulped. Shino sweat-dropped. Within an hour of journeying, Kagome was already sporting numerous cuts and bruises from all the slamming, tossing and dragging Sasuke did to her. They both blanched as Sasuke, in his haste to catch up with the two of them, sprinted forwards, and accidentally swung Kagome into a nearby tree. Nobody knew how he'd managed that.

" Okay, you know what? You keep this up and we might as well just kill her. Let's just...Let me carry her." Neji stammered, paler than usual. 'Am I the only sane gentleman here?' He thought feverishly. 'That's not the way you treat a lady no matter how annoying she is!'

" Really? Thanks Neji!" Chirped Sasuke, interrupting Neji's thoughts. With that, he dumped Kagome and Shino on the poor, gentlemanly, Hyuuga prodigy.

Neji sighed and picked Kagome up, put her on his back, and unceremoniously stuffed Shippo into Sasuke's arms. " I said I'd carry the girl. You carry the fluffy dirt rag."

" Fine..." Sasuke sighed, and brusquely stuffed Shippo, face-first, into his kunai pouch. The whole thing wouldn't fit through though, and Shippo's fluffy tail was dangling out of the now-overstuffed pouch. Sasuke gave up struggling to force the entire fluffy-ball in, and left it at there.

" You're lucky. Your fangirls aren't here." Shino told Neji as he watched the other adjusting Kagome on his back. The three started sprinting again.

Neji shuddered at the mere mention of the word 'fangirl'. " Yeah. But I'm comforted by the fact that Hinata-sama is not a fangirl."

Sasuke snorted. " Hinata, not a fangirl? Neji, you must be blind."

Neji started. " WHAT? HINATA-SAMA IS YOUR FANGIRL?!?!?!?"

" No..."

" Then Kiba's? Kuso, I'm going to skewer the mutt when I get back..."

" No, try again."

" Hmm...I think she has better tastes than to choose Shino..."

" Oei. What's that supposed to mean?"

" ...Don't tell me it's Chouji."

" No. It's not. Try again."

" Then... Then, Shikamaru?"

" No... He's with Temari, stupid."

" Masaka... I know, it's Gaara!"

" NO, STUPID! They've never even talked!"

" Then?!"

Neji was close to yanking out his silky, pristine, smoothly conditioned hair. Sasuke sighed in exasperation. " Okay. Let's just drop that topic, seeing as you're too dim for it." He paused for moment before speaking up again, with a change of focus in the conversation. "You're fanclub is so much smaller. Shino is the luckiest. He doesn't have a fanclub."

Shino shook his head. " I have a couple of stalkers. Aburames, actually."

Neji nodded. " Mine all want to play with my hair. Actually, I have NO idea why." He shook his head so his silky locks caught the light and swung it back, the lustrous mane falling back into place. Sasuke sweat-dropped. " Well I know one person with no fanclub." Neji said confidently. " NARUTO! Hah! He's so annoying that-"

Sasuke laughed. Neji had unknowingly broached their previous topic again. " He does have a fanclub. Like a one-man club, but yeah. It's a club. "

Neji's eyes widened. He'd never heard of this before! " Can that even be considered a fanclub?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. " Yeah, although she doesn't really say anything about it. In fact, she hardly talks."

Neji snapped his fingers and you can practically see the light bulb blinking above his head. " It's Tenten, right?"

" Er, no, she's in your fanclub, remember?"

" You don't have to do that, you know."

" Well, I was just speaking the truth..."

" I was just trying to comfort myself."

" Riiight..." Sasuke blinked. Neji was really dense when it came to stuff about romance.

" Okay...I know! It's Sakura!" Neji yelled, with the ' I have been enlightened' face on. " I mean, she's always bashing him up..."

" Neji, sad as it sounds, she's in mine."

" Oh, then Ino!"

" Taken."

" Err... err... Kurenai-sensei?"

" Asuma, remember? Besides, isn't she a bit too old?"

" Anko!"

" Creepy! Why would she of all people be in a fanclub?"

" Er... Whatishername, that youkai taijiya from just now?"

" If you mean the one with the cat, no, she just met us today, remember?"

" Then...Shizune?"

" She's so old. No."

" Er... Then..." Neji screwed his face up trying to think of anyone else near Naruto. Shino sighed. This was going to take awhile.

The sun soon dipped close to the horizon. Neji was still guessing.

" Hanabi." He said, randomly pulling out a name from his head.

" No. She doesn't know him. But you're close."

Neji's eyes grew wide. Sasuke and Shino smiled knowingly. Neji finally found out...

" Masaka! HIASHI-SAMA?! Noooooo!!! Hiashi-sama, I didn't know you were... you were... g-ggg-ggga...gaaa, gggggggaaaayyyyyy-"

Shino and Sasuke immediately slipped off the branch they were currently standing on. In a split second, they were up again. " NO, STUPID!!!!"

" Well, I know it's not me... so..."

" Why would Naruto want you in his fanclub? You'd probably kill him or something."

" Yes, I would."

" Then?"

" Okay...That leaves us with one person. Maybe, maybe it's..."

Sasuke and Shino sighed. This is ridiculously taking too long. " Have you figured it out?"

" Yes. It's that pig that Shizune has, Tonton, right?"

Sasuke and Shino fell off the branch again.

" CHIIGAAU!!!" They screamed. " You know what?! Just forget this entire matter, Neji! Just forget it!" Sasuke yelled, after climbing back up the branch. He'd finally snapped. He couldn't take this idiocy any longer! "The answer is so obvious, you don't have to blink to guess it, but Neji, you must be the most densest person on the earth NOT to notice it!"

" S-Shut up! I think it got it!" Neji cried.

Sasuke and Shino glared at him through weary, baggy-panda eyes. " Who?"

" I-I...Izumi!" Neji said, looking proud of himself for his discovery.

" Who's that?"

" Naruto's orange frog summon."

" Neji. Do you really think Naruto's that desperate until he has to enlist his own summons into his fanclub?"

" Yes! No! Maybe..."

" OBVIOUSLY NOT!"

" But...but I can't think of anyone else besides..."

" What? A random boar in the forest?"

" No! Sakura's slug! You know, that pink one..."

" You know what Neji? Just forget it."

" Aha! I'm right!"

" In your dreams you're right, BAKA."

" Hmmm...how about Toushio?"

" No... Snakes eat random orange blobs."

" Then how about Jeremy the 80th?"

" Er, no, my Jeremys are not gay."

" Then how about Jer-Jer the... the 18th?"

" She's married. I mean, she has a mate." Shino said. " The remaining are all devoted to me, so don't ask." He continued before Neji even had a chance to open his mouth.

" Okay, fine..." Neji grumbled, still pondering on Naruto's lone fan.

And just when they thought it couldn't get any worse, Kagome woke up and started screeching, trashing and almost strangling Neji. " Aaaaah!!! I'm falling! Save me, hot shinobi guys!!! Aaaah!!!"

" SHUT UP!" All three guys snapped in unision, tired of this repetitive act.

" You know, even if you're on my back, I can still Jyuuken you, so SHUT UP!"

" I don't care if you're on Neji's back. I'll still Katon you to death, so SHUT UP!"

" If you don't shut up, I'll set Jeremy the 59th on you, so SHUT UP!"

" Er, Shino, you're being repetitive."

" Yeah. I am. Shut up Neji, or I'll set Jer-Jer the 96th on you."

" Why did I get a Jer-Jer?"

" I don't know, her request."

" Damn, now I have another fan. A fricking bug."

"..."

Kagome was startled. All three guys yelled at her. All three guys told her to shut up. All three guys gave her the cold shoulder. A bubbling emotion, long suppressed, fought its way out. " KYAAAA!!! Now you're just playing hard to get! KAWAIIIIIII!!!" She squealed, hugging herself in delight as her fangirl genes got the better of her.

Simultaneously, all three guys smacked themselves on the forehead and dragged their hands downwards. Why were they, the Konoha's elite Rookie 3 stuck with this... this... abomination and insult to the intelligence of mankind?!

They all glared at Kagome, who promptly blushed, muttered something about sexual harassment and buried her face into Neji's back. Neji, startled and somewhat disgusted, dropped her immediately. Without hesitation, the shinobis carried on, as it nothing had ever happened.

" You know, suddenly I feel a lot lighter." Neji commented out of the blue. The shinobis were cruising along effortlessly, hopping on branches.

" It seems so much quieter too." Shino added.

Sasuke nodded mutely. " No arguments, no random screaming, screeching mess and no guessing. Just silence."

Neji sighed happily. This must be what people call pure bliss! Suddenly, Sasuke halted in his tracks. He straightened up, confused. " Well, I definitely remember there was something fat, green and noisy with us."

Neji blinked. " You mean that?" He pointed behind Sasuke. A huge, green, fat praying mantis, three times as tall as Lee (the beanpole of all shinobis) stood behind Sasuke, it's claws almost touching his neck.

Sasuke blinked. The mantis stared, and started squealing. Sasuke yelped and jumped backwards, the same time Shino started forwards, and let loose a huge Katon, blackening the mantis and part of his face.

" That was HUGE." He muttered, disbelievingly. Where the hell did THAT come from?! As soon as those words left his mouth, the mantis, now blackened, smoking, and perfectly barbequed, stood up. Sasuke instinctively took a battle stance. Before both Sasuke and Neji could get over the shock of the absurdity of the situation they were in, Shino was already cheering for the mantis.

" Go, go, JEREMY the 10364th! He was waving banners and flags, and had on a 'Go MANTIS!' tee with customary scarf and somehow, a hood. The other two shinobis sweatdropped.

" I thought the Jememys were kikaichuus." Neji said.

" Shino! I can't believe you're siding with that huge green fat thing1" Sasuke yelled across the branch, feeling slightly betrayed. " Neji, take my side!"

" ...And what exactly do you want me to do?" Neji drawled.

" Rival Shino in cheering! I won't be outdone by a BUG!"

" You asked for it. Henge!" After a few handseals, a perfect copy of Naruto stood at the spot Neji once stood. " Sasuke-teme! Go for it and get your butt whipped by that slimy green thing!" Naruto-Neji yelled.

"... Neji, that's not helping my ego." Sasuke said, eyebrows twitching in annoyance. The replication was so perfect to the point that it was pissing Sasuke off.

" OEI! Sasuke-teme! The green thing's coming! Get him! Bash the teme! Muahahahahaha!!" Naruto, sorry, I mean Neji henged as Naruto screamed.

Sasuke whirled around. To his great shock, Shino was now riding the mantis, perched between its feelers, and holding up a flag as if it were a sword. " En garde!" Shino yelled, poking Sasuke in the ribs with the flag.

Sasuke glared at Shino. " So am I supposed to be fighting the mantis or you?!" he yelled, the ridiculousness of the situation made him snap completely. He paused. "Why the hell am I fighting a fricking mantis in the first place anyways?! Aren't we supposed to be searching for some green fat thing we dropped?!"

Shino did not bother replying Sasuke's rant verbally; he simply yanked one of the mantis' feelers backwards until its eyeball almost popped out, and directed it forwards towards Sasuke.

" Damn you Shino!" Sasuke managed to yelled out before diving out of the manits' rampage. The mantis swerved sharply with 'aid' from Shino's manical yanking, did a three-sixty, its eyes glowing an eerie red (probably because of the Aburame's rough wrenching).

Neji-henged-as-Naruto screamed 'supportively'. " Sasuke-teme! Up, no, down, no, left! Right! Left again! Err, right! RIGHT! No, behind you! Argh whatever, just run yourself into the mantis!" He cried as he 'helpfully' directed Sasuke INTO the path of the rampaging mantis.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and faced the mantis with Shino on his head, using its feelers as joysticks to direct it around. " Shino! Prepare yourself!" He yelled, activating his sharingan and chidori nageshi. Shino in reply, yanked the feelers upwards, making the mantis rear. The mantis charged. Sasuke charged.

The next thing everyone knew was a huge Sasuke-sized hole, clean through the mantis. A kind of green, slimy looking goo dripped from its wound. The mantis writhed, twitched and squealed, as Shino continued yanking desperately on its feelers. Sasuke was covered in mantis goo, completely encased in the green, gooey and completely disgusting substance.

" What is this stuff?" Sasuke snorted, disgusted. Covered from head to toe in mantis goo, he looked like an ideal swamp monster, with his sharingan active. The mantis, with Shino STILL on its head, squealed and reared for the last time, before falling on its back legs, squealing, shuddering and squeaking. Though faintly now.

" Shut up or I'll run another hole through you." Sasuke informed the already dead mantis. Neji released the henge and sweatdropped.

The mantis fell with a large thud on the thickest branch of the tree, the Sasuke-shaped hole in its chest visible from where it lay. Shino stood at the tree branch and looked down in horror at his most recently acquired Jeremy.

" Back to what we were doing..." Sasuke cleared his throat before continuing. " Neji, where's the OTHER green fat thing?" Saskue snapped, the mantis slime already collecting into a puddle at his feet.

" Oh, I remember now. It has the faintest chakra sign of any human. It's a rancid pink, actually." Neji muttered, and activated his byakugan. " No wonder we didn't find it. There. About 80 meters north-east."

Ssauke took a look at the evil-aura-covered Shino. " I'll go get it." He quickly volunteered, more than happy to get away from Shino and his jeremys.

Shino was stooping next to Jeremy the 10364th, prodding it. " Jeremy, wake up." He whispered. A thin trickle of tears fell onto the dead mantis. " Jeremy..."

Sasuke edged away. Now he was convinced. Shino was NUTS.

" Sasuke." Shino eerily whispered. " I will avenge Jeremy the 10364th."

Sasuke snorted. " Keh. Whatever." And with that, he made the ultimate mistake. He kicked Jeremy the 10364th off the branch. CASUALLY.

Shino froze. Neji chortled at his expression. Shino was suppressing large tears and mucus was trickling from his suddenly exposed nostrils. " JEREMY!!!!" Neji had to grab hold of his 'I love mantis' shirt in order to prevent him from jumping off. Sasuke sweatdropped, backpedaling away from the scene. Crap... he furiously thought.

" NOOOO!!!! JEREMYYYYY! COME BAAAAAAAACK!!!" Shino cried. "Remember the fun we had together?? JEREMYYYY!!!!" He wailed, as various flashbacks played in his mind's eye.

Him patting the huge mantis on the head...

The mantis snuggling up to him

The time where he was all alone and the mantis came to him...

The time where they were chasing each other, laughing happily...

" Shino. Shut up. And since when did all that happen? And aren't we supposed to be heading to the vile green thing? Why are we still here?" Neji said with increasing hysteria. He turned to Sasuke. " Go get her. I'll take care of bug-boy here."

Sasuke nodded his slime-covered head and sped off.

Kagome was scared. Well, she always was, but in her opinion, this was the scariest moment of her life. She was all alone in a forest and except for Shippo, who'd make a good catapult, she had no other defenses. That was not all. An ominous silence hung over her and a faint cry of some wild animal keening for a certain dead Jeremy the 10364th could be heard in the far off distance. She gulped.

" Ah. There you are." Came a voice from behind her. She slowly turned.

There, to her horror, stood a great blob of slime with evil red eyes and a menacing voice. Kagome thus did the only thing could do. She screamed. " OHMYGAWD!!! THE EVIL GREEN LORD OF BLOBINESS HAS COME TO CLAIM MY VIRGIN SOUL!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

Sasuke blinked. What on earth was this stupid thing in green screaming about? He glared at her. She shrieked and fainted. Sasuke sighed. Well, at least his job will be much easier with her unconscious. " Well, whatever. Let's just get her back to the others." He muttered, rolled his eyes at her pathetic-ness, hauled her over his shoulders, and stalked off, leaving a gooey and slimy trail behind.

Meanwhile, Shino was setting up various traps around the perimeter of where he and Neji were. The poor guy was chuckling madly. He had lost it. His grip on his sanity, I mean.

Neji sighed and rubbed his temples. Hanging about were an assortment of catapults, levers and exploding tags. Thank god Neji confiscated all of Shino's pointy shinobi weapons, or Sasuke'd be in deep shit, I mean, bug goo. Well, literally speaking, he already was. Neji glanced over at the mantis. The bug goo was spreading. He sighed. " This'll get me dirty. But the least I could do is bury the dead, right?" he thought, and with that in mind, he took up a shovel and begin digging a gigantic pit. Don't bother asking where he got the shovel from.

Shino laughed crazily. " FINALLY! My comrade, we shall dig! And trap the Jeremy killer! A.K.A! The Bloody Stupid Annoying Noisy UCHIHA!"

Neji sighed again. " What have I done to fate to deserve this?"

" I'm back. With the green thing. And the fluff ball." Sasuke dutifully reported once he hopped back into camp. It was deserted. " Err, guys?" He said, stepping forwards. Out of nowhere, a rock launched into his face. Casually tilting his head to once side, he easily evaded to projectile and continued calling for Neji and Shino. " Ey, guys!" he yelled, moving forwards. A whole handful of larger rocks came pelting down. Carelessly swinging Kagome upwards, he used her as a convenient shield. The rocks bounced off bountiful crops of stomach fat harmlessly. Sasuke made a mental note that Kagome was actually USEFUL as a human shield.

" Guys!" he yelled, exasperated. A deep rumbling sounded. Sasuke looked to his right. A huge boulder was rolling his way. Stepping nimbly three feet to the side, he continued on searching. The boulder rolled on harmlessly, rumbling behind him.

" Dammit, GUUUYS!!!" He yelled, getting pissed. A huge creaking sound, followed by hundreds of tiny cracks, then a huge splintering noise. A deep earth-shaking rumbling. A huge avalanche of rocks tumbled downwards towards Sasuke. The Uchiha blinked. Just before the rocks reached him, he, in all his glorious green sliminess, leaped upwards, avoiding every last pebble.

" CURSES!!!" Shino screamed from behind a nearby shrub where he and Neji hid, biting his nails in frustration and anger. " The evil Jeremykiller avoided every one of my brilliant traps!!!"

Neji sighed. " For the last time, Shino. Can we go now?"

" Fine." Shino muttered. Neji got up, brushed himself off, and began dragging Shino back to where they were supposed to be waiting for Sasuke.

" Sasuke, we're here." Neji called, dropping down right behind a pissed off Sasuke.

" Finally!" Sasuke huffed impatiently and swerved around blindly to face the Hyuuga, swinging Kagome as well, and accidentally whacked Neji, splattering mantis goo all over the Hyuuga.

Neji's -somewhat- good mood flew out of the window at once. He stared in horror at his now gooey green sleeve. " SASUKEEEE!!!" Neji yelled, voice heavily tinged with fury, snapping at the sight of the state his sleeve was in. " H-HOW DARE YOU MUTILATE MY CLEAN STERILIZED HYUUGA-CLAN ROBE!!!" he roared.

Sasuke and Shino blinked at the steaming Hyuuga, who was so irate that his byakugan was activated. Well, this was new. They knew that Neji was clean freak, but never to this extent. The two off them glanced at each other.

Sasuke scraped up a ball of goo from his clothes and tossed it with blinding accuracy towards Neji. And the Hyuuga, who was too blind with rage, did not notice the ball flying towards him- and did not dodge in time- got a face full of mantis goo. Neji slowly swiped away the green guck covering his face. " Uchiha... Sasuke..."

Without waiting for a reply, Sasuke took one look at the Hyuuga and sprinted away.

Neji was pissed. No, he was pissed-pissed. No. He was PISSED, MAD, ANGRY, FRUSTRATED, DEVILISH, and completely FILLED with hate for a certain person. Namely Uchiha Sasuke. He was foaming at the mouth, steaming at the ears, and completely red in the face. He, the always pristine and perfectly sparkly clean Hyuuga prodigy got a splotch of mantis goo on his sleeve. A HUGE splotch of mantis goo with twigs and leaves suspended in it. With Uchiha Sasuke's death written all over it.

" UCHIHA SASUKE!!! YOU...YOU...YOU FEAKING DIRTIED ME! YOU WIMPY SHARINGAN DUMPSTER! YOU COWARDLY ARSE! YOU...YOU...YOU STICK INSECT!!!" Neji screamed madly, razing through the forest in search of the one and only Uchiha Sasuke.

Sasuke gulped as his heard Neji's wild cry from a kilometer behind. " Aw shit." He muttered to himself nervously, and increased the strength of his camouflage genjutsu and backpedaled. " Okay, now I'm regretting it...ARRRGH!" He yelled as he suddenly missed his footing and slipping on his own green slime, he fell into a waiting puddle of deep, rich, squishy mud, smack in the path of a rampaging Neji.

" Shit, Neji, NO!" Sasuke shouted, trying to warn the Hyuuga of the puddle.

" SASUKE!!!!" Neji screamed, eyes on the prize and disregarding Sasuke's shouts completely.

A huge splat was heard.

Hyuuga Neji stopped in his tracks, his pale eyes wide. He had a huge glob of mud dangling off his robes. He stared, with jaws open at Sasuke. Sasuke held a pose, one like he just threw something. The mud on his hand dripped soundlessly back into the mud puddle. Neji's splotch of mud slid down gooiely, leaving a brown trails on his robes, and fell with a wet squelch on the ground.

" UCHIHA SASUKE!!!!"

Neji jumped into the puddle and made his way to Sasuke. The latter tried to back away, but fell flat on his back in the mud. " Ahh, wait, Neji, er, I'll do your laundry okay? I'll clean them all, okay? Err, err... I'll errr..." Sasuke stuttered as Neji slowly approached.

" Too late. " Neji smiled venomously. Sasuke chocked as Neji held him in a strangle hold. " You stupid Uchiha! Don't you realize how important clean clothes are? Huh? Huh?! You stupid Uchiha!!!" Neji cackled manically as he strangled Sasuke and waved him around by the collar.

Shino could not resist not joining in. " Go Neji! KILL THE JEREMYKILLER! Throttle him to death! Avenge our brethren! GO!" he cried, waving an 'I LOVE HYUUGA NEJI' flag. And Neji, who would once scorn and snort at Shino's suggestion, obliged all too happily and tightened his grip on the Jeremykiller's throat. Sasuke wasn't ready to go down too easily though.

The two tossed and struggled and tried to punch each other and finally fell into the pool of mud, with a loud splash. Sasuke immediately bust out, with the previous green glob he had accumulated from Jeremy the 10364th made him look like a swamp monster. He got into battle stance, expecting an explosion from the Hyuuga. None came. Sasuke loosened his pose. " ...Neji?"

Sasuke, sensing that something was wrong, plunged his hands into the muck and groped blindly, finally managing to pull a limp Neji out. The Hyuuga's eyes were glazed over and he was muttering incoherent words under his breath. He was in shock from the impact of being immersed from head to toe in mud. Not even one hair on his body was spared.

Sasuke shook the Hyuuga harder. " Neji? Neji? Are you alright?"

Neji looked up and blinked. What swam into focus in his sight was another version of a garbage monster from 'spirited away'. And that slime ball was advancing on him. Neji, the clean freak, couldn't stand the gross situation he was in anymore. He spurted out a pool of blood and fell into a deep faint.

Sasuke cursed. Who's brilliant idea was it to come here? Oh wait, that was his fault. At least he got Neji clean. Dangit. He moodily stomped back to the river, picking up bits and pieces of twigs and leaf litter in his still present and very disgusting muck. Swearing under his breath, he smacked aside a branch- which promptly got stuck in his muck- and saw his salvation. The river. " Finally." He muttered darkly, hopping in and beginning to wash off the mud.

Cursing lighty, he took off his completely mud soaked shirt and begin scrubbing it and himself. Then he stopped and sniffed the air. " Graveyard soil? Clay pots?" he though and heighten his senses. He felt a faint chakra sign approaching, and abruptly began washing again. Probably just another weirdo.

Then, from the trees, a miko emerged, black tresses billowing and yucky white thingies floating around her head. She stared at Sasuke. Sasuke blinked.

" Uh, cosplayer, I'm sort of busy, so buzz off." Sasuke said absently, and continued scrubbing himself clean. The miko did not move. " Buzz off, cosplayer." Sasuke snapped, getting annoyed. What was she, a fangirl? Why the hell was she staring at him like that?! " FOR GOD'S SAKE, HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A GUY TAKING A BATH IN YOUR LIFE BEFORE?! WHAT ARE YOU? A CLAY POT?!" Sasuke yelled, snapping the fine thread that connected his mind to his patience.

The miko blinked. " Clay pot?" she said in a strangely flat voice. " I'm made of clay."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. " I could tell."

The miko stood up straighter, eyes narrowing. " I'm Kikyo. Your name is?"

Sasuke sighed at the formalities. " Uchiha Sasuke."

" What are you doing in such a forest, Sasuke-san?"

" Addressing me as Uchiha-sama is greatly appreciated. And can't you tell? I'm bathing."

" What are you doing in this forest?"

" That's none of your business. Hey, you're a clay pot right?"

" I'm made of clay, yes."

" Perfect! We can have a drink tonight! Come with me."

And no sooner had he said that, Kikyo found herself completely bound and being swung over a nonchalant shoulder. " Put me down!" she cried.

Sasuke completely ignore her struggling and effortlessly hopped through the trees on thick branches, speeding back to camp. " Oei! Neji! Is this pot hollow?" he yelled through the thick canopies.

' He's ignoring me. Let's see how he ignores me when I do this!' Kikyo thought, before letting out a burst of spiritual energy. Sasuke blinked. " Nice. A pot with torchlight functions! Guess we won't need a campfire tonight! Self-heating! Sweet..." he whistled. Kikyo gapped. What was this bishonen? Crazy, or just powerful? " Neji!" he yelled.

As they emerged into a clearing, she saw two other guys, one in a hood and another in a white robe. She blinked. All of them were in a word, emo. Kikyo shrugged it off. Not as if she wasn't.

" Oei, Neji, check if she's hollow." The boy carrying her haughtily demanded. The long-haired boy, presumably Neji, nodded resentfully and quite suddenly, veins bulged around his eyes. " Yeah. She's hollow." He confirmed, looking somewhat surprised. The hooded guy sat there quietly, ignoring her, as well as the guy carrying her. Oh well.

Sasuke briskly untied the miko. Kikyo blinked. " What now?" she asked her 'captors' flatly, looking ruffled. She knew her chances of running away were slim, and thus, she had no choice but to oblige with their demands for the moment until she found an escape route. But what did they what with her anyway? They've only just met. Sasuke ignored her completely.

Neji glared at Sasuke. " What is she? A talking clay pot or something?"

" Excuse me, but I think there must have been some sort of misunderstanding here. I'm not a clay po-" Kikyo began but the two boys ignored her and carried on with their conversation instead.

Sasuke smirked. " That's where you're wrong, Neji! She's not just a pot. She talks and has a built in flashlight and heating system!" he happily told the Hyuuga.

Kikyo, not standing their disregard to her any longer, began steaming at the ears. She was NOT a clay pot!

" Oh, and look! She boils!" Sasuke exclaimed gleefully.

Neji smirked, and turned his attention to Kikyo. " Ey, if you're that good, go fill yourself up with water and necessary ingredients and make us soup, eh!" he grinned happily. He wouldn't have to cook dinner tonight! Shino nodded in agreement.

Sasuke sneered and jerked a thumb over his shoulder. " Get going now, miko."

Kikyo bristled. " How many times do I have to tell you. I. AM. NOT. A. BLOODY. CLAY. POT."

Neji blinked. " Okay, we get it. You're not a bloody clay pot; you're a really pretty one, okay? So get your butt going."

No sooner had he said that, the lump that was Kagome (Shino was sitting on her) woke up and started screaming. All eyes turned to her. She froze as she realized that there was an extra pair. " Kikyo? What are you doing here?" she asked.

" I should be asking the same to you." Kikyo replied, slightly annoyed. " What are you doing with them? Where are your other traveling companions?" she advanced on Kagome, intending on finding out answers from the girl.

" OH NO! THE EVILWITCH OF SILVER WORM THINGIES HAS COME TO CLAIM MY VIRGIN SOUL!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!!" Kagome screamed, yet again, and promptly fainted from excessive shock to her puny mind.

Kikyo twitched slightly. " I'm going to boil some soup." She said stiffly and walked off, a sort of rope/leash thing collared her neck somehow. Neji gave a grunt and started prodding the flames with a stick, adding in dry twigs and branches to fuel it. Sasuke yanked on the trailing bit of 'Kikyo-leash' inattentively. No OOCness. Just three emo guys staring moodily into the fire. And staring. And staring. And STARING.

After a full ten minutes, Sasuke broke the stillness by twitching slightly. Two pairs of sullen eyes turned to him. Sasuke shrugged. " What?" Neji and Shino slowly turned away. The trio resumed their 'stare-at-the- fire-until-nutty-miko-woman-came-back' competition.

In a few minutes, Kikyo melted into sight, Sasuke's makeshift leash still on her neck. " Soup is ready. Don't touch me. I'm hot." Three pairs of eyebrows simultaneously raised. Kikyo quickly amended. " I mean, as a result of the soup inside me being hot, my body, which is made of clay, has also gained heat." Shino turned away in acceptance. Neji and Sasuke nodded curtly once and went back to staring into the fire, holding out their bowls for the miko to fill.

Kikyo gestured for them to hand over their bowls. Sasuke was the first to do so. And to the surprise and disgust of everyone in the clearing- including Kagome, who had just woke up as well- Kikyo opened her mouth and vomited some clear looking liquid into the bowl. Literally retching, she had managed to fill the large bowl. After doing which, she spat out a few large chunks of potato, meat, and other ingredients. " ...Right. Err, thanks...I guess..." Sasuke looked at his bowl and cringed slightly.

Shino, who was second in line, immediately made to withdraw his bowl, but Kikyo quickly snatched it away, and snorted the same liquid into the bowl, somehow managing to dig out the same ingredients from her nostrils. Shino winced from behind his hooded clothes and glasses.

Neji nervously held out his spotless and polished bowl. Kikyo accepted it, and surprisingly started crying into the bowl. Neji gulped. " For some apparent reason, I'm beginning to think that we made her cry. And I'm starting to feel guilty." Neji said, somewhat shakily.

" Okay, I'm out of creative ideas, so Kagome, your bowl." Kikyo stuck her hand out.

Kagome clutched her bowl tightly. " Hehe...K-Kikyo, it's fine, I'm uh, not really hungry or anything..." She stuttered.

" Your BOWL, please."

Kagome surrendered her bowl. Kikyo took it and sauntered off. " wait one moment. I'm going to take a quick piss." Kagome grew white. The three shinobi, however, chocked back on their laughter, though none of then touched anything in their own bowls.

In less than two minutes, Kikyo came back with a full, steaming bowl of soup. Actually smiling, she handed it to Kagome. Still smiling- looking rather creepy as she did so- Kikyo turned towards the group expectantly. " Well? Eat up."

The group stared uncomfortably at their bowls.

This was going to be a loooooong night.

CHAPTER END! YATTA!

We're really, really sorry for the long wait, but we're sort of hoping that the length, as well as the crackiness of this chapter has (somewhat) made up for it!

Well... who says that you have to be super brash and loud like Naruto in order to give good crack? Team Akai Ito here has just did it (with help from Kagome and Jeremy the 10364th), so what can we say?

P.S, An omake was added at the previous chapter, so those who haven't read it yet, please go check it out!

P.P.S, No offense was meant to name Jeremy and Jer-Jer. There were just random names we randomly picked up.

P.P.P.S, No offense the fangirls of the respective emo-boys in this story. It was unfair to bash Kagome alone, so we bashed everyone up along with her (oh, but we did bash her up harder, though). As a matter of fact, we're Neji and Sasuke fangirls as well. Really.

P.P.P.P.S, INUYASHA-THE FINAL ACT, EPISODE 3 HAS COME OUT! BANZAI! Those who have yet to watch it yet, go check it out now!

P.P.P.P.P.S, As another apology to for the lateness of this chapter, we have added TWO omake for this chapter! Enjoy!

* OMAKE SPECIAL 2!*

" Er...er... Kikyo!" Neji shouted, exasperated.

Sasuke smacked himself in the face. " No idiot, they've never even met!"

Neji's eyebrows furrowed in concentration. " Then... Kirara!"

Sasuke sweatdropped. " A cat?"

Neji thought harder. " Ahhh... Hokage-sama! Right? Right?"

Sasuke covered his eyes, massaging it tiredly. " No, stupid. You better make sure the Hokage doesn't hear you say that.

Neji tried again. " Er... then that only leaves me with one person..."

" Who?" Shino and Sasuke simultaneously sighed at Neji's stupidity.

" YOU, Sasuke!"

There was a pause. Then Shino snickered and Sasuke gagged and chocked on his spit.

"HELL NO! YOU RETARD! No matter how my name looks, I. Am. Not. GAY! And even if I was, Naruto will be the last person on earth I will be with! Must I also remind you that the authoresses DON'T do YAOI!? IDIOT!!!!" Sasuke yelled, almost ripping out his precious Uchiha hair.

And as the two started bickering (again), Shino sighed. He wasn't going to get any sleep tonight, that's for sure. And he was proved right when a katon from an enraged Sasuke incinerated a nearby tree.

" DAMN YOU NEJI!!!!" Sasuke screamed. " DAMN YOU AND YOUR DENSE BLOCK OF WOOD OF A HEAD!!!! DAMN YOU!!!"

* END OMAKE SPECIAL 2!*

* OMAKE SPECIAL 3!*

The curtains on the stage drew open. Team Akai Ito stood on the stage, lined up in a straight line, ready to perform. Kagome began mindlessly banging on her miniature tambourine. Neji, Sasuke, and Shino, with Kikyo in the center, began going through some robotic dance movements stiffly. Kikyo began singing in her flat voice to the tune ' I'm a little teapot'.

" I'm a miko clay pot, my body can't rot.

So don't you dare touch me, cuz I am hot.

When the soup is boiling, fear me not.

I'm not another brainless robot."

There was no clapping but only shocked silence from the gaping audience as the curtains fell down. Inuyasha's splutterings from the back of the room broke the silence soon after though.

* END OMAKE SPECIAL 3!*

...yeah. Guess you're all pretty much speechless due either to shock or because you're having laughing fits on the floor right now.

Well, anything to comment on (favourite scenes, catch lines, etc), suggestions for improvement, or even random ramblings, feel free to include in your reviews. But no flaming please, we get enough of that from Sasuke already. Other than that, REVIEW!

Look forward to our next chapter (Don't worry, we will DEFINITELY publish it)- TEAM CANINE!

Thanks for your support!

Ja ne!

yuzukisakura1994.