AN: Rampant silliness on part of the Rokudaime Hokage Uzumaki Naruto. I can't be held responsible…
"HELL NO!" Naruto spun and landed deftly, dodging a lamp aimed for his head. Why was his office always a war zone?
He leaped over the chains launched at him, cracking the nice painting Sai had painted for him. He scowled. He wasn't the Rokudaime Hokage for nothing, damn it. He managed to dodge the round of kunai and senbon nimbly as he displayed his skill. But it was the chakra enhanced throw of his leather chair that did him in. In his defense, he honestly hadn't expected her to throw his beloved chair with that sort of accuracy and speed. By the time he registered what it was, and got over the shock, it was too late. He smashed into the bookshelf, books clattering down on him. Shit, that hurt! Damn the old hag!
It was against his principles to beat some righteous anger into the gambling lush but that didn't mean he was going to allow her to pummel him either, damn it!
"GET BACK HERE, BRAT!" Tsunade snarled. "Neji flank left. Shizune you guard that damn door! Kakashi flank right. Ino take the center and use your technique" She snarled, and they drew closer.
If Naruto could just get over Kakashi he could take Shizune out and make a break for it. After all he had Anbu operatives who would actually listen to him, outside the door.
Naruto sweated, disheartened as the four ninja drew closer. "I said NO! She's Scary as Hell! She'd probably castrate me the night of our wedding!" He protested.
"Don't be an idiot, Naruto, she wants the political alliance to work as much as you do." Ino snorted.
"I don't WANT a political alliance!" Naruto replied severely.
"Dickless, you can't be castrated, you don't have a-"
"SAI!" all members involved stopped him before he could be too graphic.
"Sai, assist Shizune san with the door" Neji ordered his co captain. Sai grinned much to the regret of the whisker cheeked kage.
"I don't even want to be married" He whined.
"Naruto" Ino warned, exasperated. "If you just shut up and do it, it'll be less painful" She said, ice blue eyes blazing as her hands began to form the rapid amount of hand seals needed for the body exchange technique.
"Painful? Ha! The Rokudaime laughs in the face of pain! And don't you dare try to take control of my body and forge my signature on those documents either! If you do it, Ino, I'll- I'll dock your pay for the next 6 months" Naruto threatened his assistant.
And he apparently had said the right thing, because Ino tensed, hesitating as she dropped the jutsu.
"Don't be intimidated, Ino, just use your technique" Neji said.
"Intimidated? He has control of my pay! I'm not risking my pay for some stupid political arrangement" She retorted.
Naruto grinned. At least Ino was out of the way. One opponent down, five more to go, assuming Sai decided to interfere. Then the thought hit him.
Tsunade glared. The boy was clearly abusing his Hokage privilege.
"Team seven is family!" He said, eyeing Sai and Kakashi "and it was you who taught me not to abandon my teammates, Kakashi sensei!" He pleaded.
"I also taught you something of loyalty to our village" Kakashi retorted, grey eye firm and unwavering.
Naruto paled and looked to Sai.
Sai shrugged noncommittally and pointed to Neji. "He's in charge of my pay. Sorry, Dickless."
"Naruto, it's for the good of the country" Neji replied, exasperated that he, of all people, was forced to such a subservient role as forcing the Rokudaime Hokage to sign the paperwork for his intended fiancé and alliance with Sand.
He grimaced and cracked his knuckles. He was the Anbu captain of Konoha and as such it was his job to make Naruto see the need to help his people. Naruto couldn't threaten Anbu operatives with pay cuts as his pay didn't come out of the budget and Anbu's operative actually supplied the funding they had with S class missions. They more than paid for themselves with extra to spare for the village.
Neji sighed, resigned to his fate. Even if violence was involved, he would do it for the betterment of his country. He would do whatever it would take the get the ramen loving kage to fulfill his duty. The blonde had beat some sense into him during the chuunin exams. Surely the gesture was appropriate, if not slightly ironic that he was forced to return the favor. After all, Naruto couldn't dock his pay.
"Stay BACK!" Naruto cried, as he summoned his clones. One of his clones held him hostage, a kunai to his neck.
"YOU IDIOT!" Tsunade snarled, throwing the stapler, dispersing the clone with the kunai in a single shot. The kunai dropped to the floor with a thunk. The other clones formed a defensive circle around him eyeing his former friends and family.
"Naruto, Stop being unreasonable" Kakashi said.
"If she was forcing YOU to marry Temari of the Sand, You wouldn't think it was Unreasonable" Naruto replied, eyes searching for a means of escape.
Tsunade's hazel eyes narrowed and she cackled her evil old hag cackle that she reserved for truly evil activities…or at least that what Naruto thought.
"Close In!" She ordered, pointing at the whisker cheeked Rokudaime.
…………………………………………………
Severely chastised, beaten and tied to his chair, with an absolute ridiculous amount of rope and chain, the Rokudaime faced his group of friends with a pouting, jutted bloody lip and nose; his eyes blacked, his ribs cracked.
"Holding the Hokage hostage is tantamount to a traitorous offense!" He wailed.
Neji was currently posted at the door as Tsunade, Shizune and Ino threatened the disgruntled, pummeled kage.
Kakashi had left after hog tying Naruto, leaving the interrogation to the three specialists. Sai had disappeared somewhere along the time, leaving poor Naruto at the mercy of two of the three scariest woman in Konoha history. He swallowed, bemoaning his pitiful existence.
"Don't make me use my interrogation skills, Ramen Breathe" Ino snarled, shaking her fist at him.
Apparently the threats of her pay being docked were not void, if he was chained and tied to a chair. He would have to remedy that when he could use his hands to sign the paperwork.
Naruto whined piteously.
He had been the one to suggest to Tsunade that Ino be trained by Morino Ibiki in the first place. He now regretted that choice of action. But seriously? He'd never thought her skills would be used against him. Damn, he was in for it.
"Do you want to be pummeled into oblivion? I can break every bone in your body runt, and then heal it and do it all over again, until you agree" Tsunade threatened.
"A Kage never wavers in his belief!" Naruto wailed, defiantly.
Then promptly cried, as Tsunade ground her heels onto his toe, breaking his foot.
"This is Treachery!" He sniveled.
Neji shook his head. "All you have to do is sign the papers, Naruto. Just make it easy on yourself."
"Never! I could never betray Sakura Cha-"
And the strawberry hair colored girl of his affections opened the door with some paperwork at Sai's insistence that she deliver it now.
"Hokage sama I-" Sakura gasped. "Shishou! Shizune? Ino? Neji?! What are you doing?" She exclaimed, horrified.
"Damn" Tsunade grumbled.
Her apprentice was, if anything, a stickler to the rules and probably wouldn't go along with what they were doing.
"Way to guard the door, Hyuuga" Ino snapped.
"She was the previous Hokage's apprentice. If she was not allowed to enter, I should have been prompted" Neji replied bristling.
"What are you doing to Naruto?" Sakura said, eying the hog tied kage with a pink arched eyebrow.
"Save me, Sakura Chan! They're trying to torture me into agreeing to an evil policy." Naruto pleaded.
"Chee" Tsunade dismissed. "He's been offered marriage to Subaku Temari in exchange for a permanent alliance with Sand. He's an idiot not to take it" Tsunade retorted.
"So you're trying to force him to marry, Shishou?" Sakura asked, with a frown.
"Oh don't be like that. You know as well as I do, that Konoha needs this" Tsunade replied.
"I'm afraid for the sake of my teammate, and the fact that he IS the Hokage, I'm going to have to ask that you release him." Sakura replied, regretfully.
"Ino is his assistant and has the right to intervene if she feels that the Hokage is not meeting his responsibilities." Neji replied.
After all, it was the reason they had chosen the buxom blonde as his assistant. Nara Ino, recently married to one Nara Shikamaru, was loud, overbearing, and scared the poor fox bearer silly. She would ensure that Naruto would not slack off and would meet the requirements of all his duties as she'd been trained in interrogation and torture methods by Ibiki, himself. The fact that she could organize, and make one mean cup of coffee were merely bonuses to her otherwise outstanding skills and qualities.
"Yes, but as head of the medical staff, I clearly can override both Anbu and Assistant in regards to his medical health." Sakura replied with a quirk of her pink eyebrows.
Tsunade scowled. "You're letting him get off easy, Sakura"
"I'm doing no such thing." Sakura replied. "Naruto and I will go get some ramen and discuss the ramifications of such a costly decision" Sakura replied.
Naruto beamed with hope.
"You're being unreasonable" Tsunade replied, looking away, but the smirk tugged at the corners of her features.
Sakura would be able to talk him into it, if anyone. Tsunade should have thought of the strategy herself. Then again outwitting and beating the brat had done marvels for her stress.
"Neji, make your self useful" Sakura said, pointing to the cocoon of chain and rope that was the Hokage.
Neji sighed and walked over using his kunai to cut swiftly through the rope, while Tsunade unlocked the padlocks of the chains.
Naruto was up and out of the chair instantly, eyes wandering between the ninja making sure they wouldn't try to stop him.
Naruto scowled irritably at them and hobbled to Sakura. She sighed and lead on.
"I may just take the rest of the day off to consider my weighty decision" Naruto huffed and slammed the door behind him.
…………………………………………………..
Why Sakura was still friends with Uzumaki Naruto after all these years she would never fully understand. Such were the bonds of teammates she supposed. He was absolutely ridiculous getting himself into enormous amounts of trouble, and now he had kage level things to deal with. In his defense, he had matured marvelously over the years, but even a matured Uzumaki Naruto was still at the heart and core, Uzumaki Naruto. She sighed again and Naruto pouted as he limped.
"Would you mind healing me, Sakura Chan?" He pleaded.
"Certainly, Hokage sama." Sakura replied.
"You know I hate it when you refer to me by my title" He pouted as she healed him.
"I just wanted to remind you of who you are now." Sakura replied cheerfully.
"Just because I'm a kage, doesn't mean I'll ever forget that I'm Uzumaki Naruto, teammate on team seven with you, Sakura Chan, and the most unpredictable ninja ever." Naruto replied with a wink and a pose.
Sakura was already wandering down the stairs and Naruto jogged to catch up,
"Ramen again, I presume?" She asked flatly, tucking her hands into the pockets of her white medical jacket.
"I'm paying" Naruto said with a grin.
The smile was tugging at Sakura's lips as she regarded her former teammate and current Kage. "We both know you get ramen for free now at Ichiraku."
"Which is why I'm buying." Naruto grinned.
…………………………………………………
Naruto had slurped through his third bowl and was slowing down as he worked on his fourth. Sakura picked through her ramen, enjoying the noodles in a more refined dignified kind of way.
"So why aren't you going to go through with marrying Temari again?" Sakura asked.
Naruto paused mid slurp, and set his bowl down. Blue eyes met her green ones sincerely.
"I think you know why I won't marry Temari, Sakura Chan" He said, reaching for her hand.
Sakura rolled her eyes, and avoided his reach. "Naruto, we've been through this. I'm engaged to Sasuke, for pete sakes. You're going to have to give up eventually."
"I'd settle for being the other man. Teme doesn't have to know" Naruto quipped, with a wink.
Sakura sighed. "You're about as subtle as a brick wall, Naruto" She told him flatly.
"Does that mean you're considering it?" Naruto grinned.
"No. You know I would never do that, and more importantly I know you would never do that, so joking about it doesn't avoid the real question at hand." Sakura replied poking him in the chest.
"I wasn't avoiding the real question" Naruto pouted.
"Be serious, Naruto" Sakura told him with a small smile.
"I was being serious, Sakura Chan." Naruto replied, hurt. "How can I marry someone who isn't the woman I love? It wouldn't be right" He replied, downtrodden as he stirred the noodles with his chopsticks sullenly.
"Because it will be for the good of the people and I know you won't let our village down." Sakura replied, as she took another bite of her ramen.
"Because it's so simple" Naruto replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes for added effect.
"You're the one who's making this complicated. Political marriages aren't necessarily about love, but about what's good for those pledged to them." Sakura pointed out.
"How positively upbeat of you Sakura Chan, talking against love" Naruto scowled.
"You're sounding more and more like your perverted sensei every day." Sakura snorted.
Naruto still looked defeated. Sakura sighed and rubbed his back soothingly.
"Look at it this way; you don't know that you don't love Temari. You haven't actually tried yet. And you'll have Gaara as a brother in law." Sakura beamed pleased with her new angle, which was positively upbeat.
"But that means I'll also have Kankurou as a brother in law" Naruto grimaced.
"He's a good shinobi" Sakura countered, settling back down in her stool.
"He wears makeup and messes around with dead bodies turning them into puppets, Sakura Chan. If that's not the definition of creepy and just plain Ewww, I don't know what is." Naruto said making a face.
"Temari is pretty. She's got that exotic look going for her." Sakura replied, unfazed.
"Yea…but she's not you…" Naruto slouched further into his stool and ramen bowl, slowly slurping the noodles from his fourth bowl.
"Naruto…" Sakura said hesitantly. "You have to let me go sometime…You're only going to hurt more the longer you put it off." She said gently.
"I know… I just-"
The bell chimes tingled and Sakura's entire face lit up as she saw the man of her dreams arrive, ninja smoke dissipating. Naruto eyed his ramen bowl, the only constant love left in his life.
"Dobe." Sasuke said walking in.
Apparently he had just gotten back from his Anbu mission. He took the stool on the other side of Sakura and interlaced his gloved hand in hers. They were engaged, it was only appropriate right? Naruto swallowed another mass of noodles to swallow his painful lovesick retort.
"Teme, when are you going to refer to me by my real title?" Naruto demanded after he'd swallowed.
"When you've earned it" Sasuke replied with a smirk, as he ordered miso.
"I could order you to do it, you know" Naruto replied.
"But you won't, Dobe. Even you've got your pride." Sasuke replied.
"Bastard" Naruto grumbled, hating that he knew him so well.
"How was your mission?" Sakura asked, eyeing him up and down beneath veiled lashes. Sasuke's smirk widened.
"I'm injury free, Sakura. The mission was a success and no one got hurt" He said, answering both Sakura and Naruto's un-asked question at once. Sakura grinned.
Naruto sighed. Sakura glanced at her watch.
"Naruto, I have to get back to the hospital. I'm due for another surgery in an hour. Talk to Sasuke Kun about it though, okay?" She replied, kissing said brooding best friend goodbye and ruffling Naruto's hair fondly before walking briskly out.
"Yeah…Sure thing, Sakura Chan." Naruto replied sullenly, waving to her as the head of his hospital… and love of his life walked away.
"Talk to me about what?" Sasuke asked blowing on his miso before taking a spoonful.
"Sakura Chan thinks I should marry Temari of the Sand" Naruto replied.
Sasuke coughed nearly choking on his miso as he struggled for breathe. Naruto pounded him on the back, relieved for once that Teme was on his side about this.
"Teme? Teme! Don't die on me-" Naruto said concerned…but stopped as soon as he heard the wheezing… laughter….coming from his best friend. He was choking because he was laughing. Bastard.
Naruto glared sullenly as his friend was finally able to compose himself enough to wheeze out "and…why….does Sakura…think…that's ..such a good …idea again?" Sasuke said whipping the tears from his eyes.
"Bastard." Naruto replied finishing off his ramen.
"Oh come on…you've already brought it up." Sasuke provoked.
"I don't know why I call you my best friend…" Naruto grumbled.
Sasuke waited, knowing Naruto would open up. 3….2….1…
"Fine." Naruto gave in. "Gaara sent me paperwork requesting that I marry Temari of the sand so that way Suna and Konoha are always allies." Naruto snapped.
"Wow." Sasuke blinked, though that damn smirk was still in place. "I thought political arranged marriages were a thing of the past" Sasuke stated.
"I did too" Naruto replied glumly. "Apparently they're the latest rage" He soured.
"You could do a lot worse." Sasuke pointed out, trying to be helpful as he knew his wife to be had been.
"I could do a lot better too." Naruto snapped, glaring irritably at the Sharingan user.
"Like who? Tsunade's old, Shizune's got her hands full keeping Tsunade sober for her health, Ino's married, Hinata's married, Hanabi's too young and could kill you, Ten Ten's engaged. Hana's dating Shino. There's that creepy girl in research but I thought she had a thing for Shikamaru…"
"Shiho?!" Naruto exclaimed aghast.
"Well damn….even Moegi is dating Konohamaru." Sasuke said, exasperated at his list of eligible Konoha females failed on an epic level.
"Ugh! As if I would go for any of those!" Naruto exclaimed grumpy again.
"There's always civilians." Sasuke replied with a shrug.
"Who would die the moment any skilled assassin comes my way. Besides convincing one to come to a hidden village full of ninjas isn't exactly a D ranked mission" Naruto replied, even more forlorn.
"Naruto…" Sasuke sighed, knowing the one girl he hadn't mentioned, the one his best friend had been holding out for since they were three; Sasuke's fiancé.
"I'm sorry, but she-"
"I don't wanna talk about it, Teme" Naruto cut him off, getting up as he left a wad of bills on the counter. For though Naruto didn't have to pay for his ramen anymore, he still did.
"Naruto…" Sasuke began.
"Gotta go. Kage business and all that" Naruto said walking away with a dismissive wave.
Sasuke frowned, but let it be, knowing Naruto needed to be left alone.
…………………………………………………
Naruto sat upon Yondaime's head, looking out at the village. His village. When he'd first became Hokage he'd sat on his own head, but that thought was just too odd for the Rokudaime to justify…and also kind of arrogant when he thought about it for long enough. He would've sat on Tsunade's head, in spite, but he could never think properly whenever the old hag was involved; her person or her representation. He should've drawn on the old hag's head just for her display this morning, but Naruto wasn't feeling good enough to pull a prank.
He grinned cheekily in spite of his depression. As Hokage, no one could really stop him, but those thoughts died as he realized he represented the village. Drawing on one's past hokage's heads, even if they were alive to see it, was not a respectable Kage like thing to do. Imagine what the neighboring countries would say? Naruto sighed sullenly. He didn't even have the option of acting in typical Naruto fashion. Which left the only thing… dealing with the real issues at hand. Marriage and political alliance, or Sanity? What should he choose? What would his father have done?
Naruto had learned his paternity late in life. Knowing he was Yondaime's son only made his guilt that much heavier. His father, someone most beloved of the village, had died sealing the Kyuubi inside of him, sacrificing everything, himself, even his son's fate, for the safety of the village. And though Naruto, at times, had felt any number of emotions upon finding out this heavy knowledge, he knew his father loved the village above everything else. That knowledge was chaffing. After all, what kind of father would put the demon fox inside of his own son? But Naruto knew the answer as soon as he had thought that treacherous thought in the past. It was the same answer he came to as a Kage.
The kind that was a good kage. The kind that loved his village and put his village first until the very end.
And He knew what he had to do. Uzumaki Naruto wouldn't do this half torn. He was determined. He would do whatever it took to keep the village safe, even if it meant marrying a complete stranger to do it. Sakura chan was right. He didn't really know Temari but that didn't mean he couldn't learn, right? He would do his best to be the greatest Hokage and the greatest husband ever! He got up and made his way to his desk, signing his name on the documents and effectively sealing his fate.