Cast in order of appearance: Envy, Dante, Greed
Envy vo: So at this point things were going my way, or so I thought.
Dante smashes an Envy bobble head with an oversized mallet
Dante: How could he do this to me?! *smashes another bobble head*
Greed takes out wallet
Greed: You're going through these things fast, I'll go get some more.
Greed runs off to central gift shop, returns with an armload of Envy bobble heads
Greed: Here ya go *puts bobble head on ground*
Dante: Does he have any idea- a little to the left-
Greed moves bobble head to the left
Dante smashes it
Dante: -have any idea who he's dealing with?! How could he do this to me?! While I raised him!
Greed: Yeah… you'd think he would've turned out better.
Dante drops mallet
Dante: Go figure….
Greed: Well it's a good thing you're taking your anger out on these things instead of the real Envy.
Light bulb appears over Dante's head
Greed: … That's weird.
Dante: That's it Greed! I'll get rid of Envy!
Greed: … The real Envy?
Dante: Of course the real Envy! And with him out of the way I'll give orders directly to Pride! I'll be back in control! It's brilliant!
Greed: …So how does that work with him not taking orders from you?
Dante: Well only three people know about that, and soon that'll be only two.
Greed: And I'm one of those two! Right?!
Dante: To the secret lab!
Envy vo: … What kind of an idiot goes around screaming they have a secret lab… okay move ahead.
Dante and Greed stand in front two levers
Dante: Pull the lever Greed!
Greed pulls lever on the left
Dante falls through trap door, returns several seconds later, dripping wet shooing away an alligator
Dante: Why do we even have that lever?! Get out of my way *pushes Greed to the side* *pulls lever on the right*
Two are flung into rollercoaster-like car
Car simulation: Please remain seated and keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times, thank you.
Car takes off
Loop, loop, backwards, upside down
Envy vo: I'm getting sick just watching this thing!
Greed: Faster! Faster! Dante put your hands in there air!
Dante: *rolls eyes*
Envy vo: So is this where my Christmas money went?
Ride drops Dante in Greed (now in lab coats… when did that happen?) in a laboratory
Dante begins going through beakers and test tubes
Dante: What should I make him transform into? Oh yes I know! *picks up blue bottle* I'll fix his form at his little parasite thing from the manga!
Greed (whispering): Dante we're not supposed to talk about the gods!
Dante: *ignore* Then I'll put him in a box, then I'll put that box inside another box, then I'll mail that box to myself! And when it arrives! I'll smash it with a hammer!
Greed: That sounds expensive….
Dante (not listening): It's perfect! *swings hand* *knocks over beaker*
Green potion spills on plant, plant withers and drops dead
Both stare at plant ashes
Greed: Note to self: never take any sort of drink given to you by Dante….
Dante: Or to save on postage I'll just poison him with this! *pulls out green potion*
Greed: But you can't kill him just with poison.
Dante: Good thing I have his remains.
Greed: How'd ya get-?
Dante: I'll just put the remains in the poison and the poison in his drink.
Greed: Ew….
Dante: *hands Greed the beaker* Take it Greed! Feel the power!
Greed: Oh, I feel the power.
Dante: My moment of triumph approaches! It's dinner time!
Dinner:
Greed walks around setting up the table and getting food ready
Dante walks in
Dante: So is everything ready for tonight?
Greed: *picks up salad bowl* Oh yeah, I thought we'd start off with a light salad and see how we feel after that. *grin*
Dante: *irritated* Not the dinner… the… you know?
Greed: Oh the poison, the poison for Envy, the poison chosen especially to kill Envy, Envy's poison.
Dante: …*aggravated*
Greed: … That poison?
Dante: Yes that poison!
Greed takes out bottle of green potion
Greed: Got it.
Dante: Perfect, a few drops in his drink, then I'll propose a toast, and he'll be dead before dessert!
Greed (depressed): *sigh* Which is a shame because it's gonna be delicious….
Envy bursts in (still Hohenheim's son form), obviously very excited
Envy: Let's get to the grub! I'm one hungry ruler of Central…! *looks at Dante* So… no hard feelings about earlier right?
Dante (gridded teeth): …*forced smile* None whatsoever. Greed! Get him a drink!
Greed: Right! … *light bulb* Riiiiight….
Greed runs over to side table and pours poison in Envy's drink, small explosion, runs back over with tray of drinks, Envy's farthest away from other two
Greed (offering Envy drink): Your drink?
Envy: *sniff, sniff* Is something burning?
Greed: *horror* My spinach puffs! *runs out of room*
Envy and Dante sit down
Long silence
Envy: … So… he seems… bearable….
Dante: H-he is….
Envy: So he's like, what? Early two hundreds now?
Dante: … Heh, um I'm not sure….
Greed runs back in with tray of small pastry… things….
Greed: Saved 'em!
Envy: *sarcasm* That's great, good job.
Greed: Careful, they're still hot! *begins serving "spinach puffs"*
Dante: … ahem… Greed… Envy needs his drink….
Greed: Right… *light bulb* Riiiight!
Greed reaches for drink, all look the same
Greed: …? *runs back to side table with drinks*
Envy: Everything okay there Greed?
Greed: Oh yeah. Drinks are just a bit on the warm side…? *nothing left in bottle* *mixes all drinks and runs back over*
Greed gives Envy and Dante cups
Greed (whispering to Dante): Don't drink the-! *runs thumb over neck*
Dante: A-a toast to the homunculus! Long live Envy!
Envy downs drink, Dante pours hers into plant, Greed pours his down neck pretending to drink it
Envy: Mm… tasty! *head falls into plate*
Dante: Ha! It worked! Perfect! Good work Greed!
Greed (looking at spinach puffs): Oh they're so easy to make, I'll get you the recipe.
Dante: Now to get rid of the body- AH!
Envy sits back up
Envy: Okay so what were we saying?!
Dante: Uh-.. uh-… we were just making a toast to your long-
Envy's hair turns black and changes to palm tree form
Dante: Uh-! Healthy rule!
Envy: … Right, well what are you gonna do?
Envy's clothes change to homunculus form
Envy continues rambling
Changes into homunculus form
Dante (whispering to Greed): Hit him on the head!
Greed's hand turns to ultimate shield, bashes Envy over the head and knocks him out
Dante: W-what happened?! He's supposed to be dead!
Greed: Must be like his homunculus form…. Weird….
Dante: Give me the vial.
Greed gives Dante bottle
Dante: This isn't poison! We just fixed his form… at whatever this thing is! *picks up strand of Envy's hair*
Greed: Well in my defense all your potions look the same… might wanna think about relabeling….
Dante: *hits Greed in head with bottle* Just take him out of town and finish the job!
Greed (suddenly concerned): What about dinner?
Dante: Greed, this is kind of important.
Greed: What about dessert?
Dante: Well… I suppose there's time for dessert….
Greed (excited): And coffee?!
Dante: Fine, a quick cup of coffee, then take him out of town and finish the job!
Thanks for reading! Please review (reviews are better than ice-cream!) I'm probably going to have another chapter up in two days, maybe they'll come out regularly every other day. Thanks again!
Tennessee