Cast in order of appearance: Greed, Envy, Ross, Brosh, Ed, Al, Izumi, Wrath
Greed runs through Central with large bag, singing (poorly)
Envy vo: Okay, so guess where I am right now. That's right, in the bag. Still think I'm not the victim here? Keep going, it gets better.
Greed sees Ross and Brosh and stands up against the wall still holding note
Ross and Brosh speed up
Greed continues down stairs still singing
Envy vo: Uh! He's doing his own theme music?! Big, dumb, and tone-deaf. So glad I was unconscious for all this.
Greed throws bag into river leading out of Central through sewers
Greed: Mission accomplished…. *reconsider… reconsider*
Voice: You're not gonna let him die like that, are you?
Small Greed pops onto Greed's shoulder dressed in robe and halo carrying a harp
Greed: My shoulder angel?
Second voice: Don't listen to that guy!
Another small Greed pops onto his should dressed in red with pitchfork and horns
Devil: He's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness, I'm leading you down the path that rocks!
Greed: W-what?
Angel: Oh come of it.
Devil: You come off it.
Angel: You!
Devil: You infinity.
Angel: *rage*
Greed: *confusion*
Devil: Listen here big guy! I got three good reasons why you should just walk away.
Greed: …?
Devil: Reason number one *points at angel* Look at that guy; he's got that sissy stringy music thing.
Angel: We've been through this! It's a harp!
Devil: Right, that's a harp, and that's a dress.
Angel: Robe!
Devil: Reason number two! *does handstand* Look what I can do!
Greed: But what does that have to do with-?
Angel: No, no, he's got a point.
Greed: Listen you guy, you're really confusing me, so… be gone! Or however I get rid of you.
Devil: That'll work.
Both vanish
Greed: *consider… consider…*
Runs after bag and catches it as it goes into sewer
Greed: Okay… not good… what do I do with the body now? *runs back into the city*
Exit of Central:
Ed: What do I do? Should I tell him…? Maybe teacher can help….
Al: Brother, how'd it go?
Ed: Al! *cling*
Al: Um… there there, don't cry….
Ed: I'm not crying…! *points at Mustang* Mustang's just such an idiot it makes me emotional sometimes!
Al: …So what'd Envy want?
Ed: N-… nothing, come on lets go. Here let me polish you're armor for you!
Al: Uh, okay?
Ed takes Al's head and begins polishing it
Greed runs down stairs behind them
Greed: What do I do? What do I do? Think, think, think!
Trips and bag with Envy in it flies down the stairs, lands in Al's armor
Al: Whoa! What was that?
Ed: What? *puts Al's head back on*
Al: … I just thought… never mind.
Ed: Come on, let's go….
Two start to leave
Greed (still falling down the stairs): Back! Elbow! Shoulder! Ow! *hits the bottom*
Greed: W-where'd it-…? *sees Ed and Al*
Greed runs after them
Greed: Hey! Hey! Wait! The one with the armor! Stop-…!
Al and Ed: *gone*
Greed: Oh no… hope that doesn't come back to haunt me.
Dublith:
Izumi: Finally back, I see.
Ed: Yeah, the train broke down, so we had to walk. *sniffle*
Izumi: What's wrong with you-?
Ed: I'm okay….
Al: He's been like that the whole way here….
Ed: I told you! It's because Mustang's just such a moron!
Wrath runs out of the house
Wrath: Edward! Edward's less-scary-than-him brother! You're back!
Ed: Yep.
Wrath: I got measured today!
Ed: I don't think homunculi grow, Wrath.
Wrath: But I did!
Ed: … Are ya sure?
Izumi throws book at Ed
Izumi: Don't crush his hopes and dreams, Edward!
Ed: S-sorry Teacher!
Izumi: So what'd Envy want? To punish you for being a state alchemist?
Ed: No, h-he just wanted to discus plans for… a new water park he was building… yeah that's it… Envy-topia…. Heh-heh….
Izumi: Well that's stupid.
Ed: Yep that's um, it.
Wrath: Envy-topia?! Water park?! I wanna go! Mom, it's like the childhood I never got to have!
Izumi: Stop playing that card would ya?!
Wrath: *panic*
Runs inside
Izumi: Come on, help me make dinner.
Ed: Actually I need to talk to Al for a second.
Al: Okay, we'll be in in a minute.
Izumi goes inside
Ed: … Hey Al if you only had three days to live what would you do?
Al: That's a tough one… probably get my body back.
Ed: … *guilt*
Al: Why-?
*tap, tap, tap*
Ed: Shh… hear that?
Al: Yeah, what is that?
Ed: Take off your chest plate.
Al takes out chest plate and bag containing Envy falls out
Ed: What're you, a drug dealer?
Al: I don't know what it is!
Ed opens bag, Envy pops out
Envy (dazed): W-what happened?
Ed: Ah! Cross dressed homunculus!
Envy: What?! Cross dressed homunculus?! Where?!
Envy jumps out of Al and scrambles away, runs into street
Car drives by and narrowly misses Envy
Al: Whoa! Calm down! Are you okay?
Envy: *shock, daze* …N-no I'm not okay! That dude almost ran me over and didn't even stop!
Al: Well they don't normally.
Envy: They always stop for me…. *confusion*
Ed: Well why would they do that?
Envy: Because-! Hey I know you! You're the whiney pipsqueak!
Ed: Don't call me-…! Wait…. Envy?
Envy: Yeah! Who'd ya think you were talk'in to?
Al and Ed: … *awkward moment*
Ed: You… you don't really look like him….
Al: Uh… you look more like a…. Brother, help me out here.
Ed: …Not sure I can add anything….
Envy: What're you talking about? *shiver* Does anybody else feel a draft?
Al: Well we're not in skirts.
Envy: Skirt-? *looks down* Oh my god!!! What is this?!
Al: A skirt and a tang top… and it looks really weird.
Ed: Yeah, please shape shift or something.
Envy attempts to shape shift
Nothing happens
Tries again
Nothing
Al: I thought you could change form.
Envy: I can!
Ed: Doesn't look that way to me.
Al: How'd this happen to you?
Envy: I-… I don't remember…. Wait I remember pipsqueak and telling him I was gonna take his brother…
Al: What?!
Envy: *ignore* Then he got mad at me… oh! And you fixed my form! And you kidnapped me!
Ed: What? That's crazy! Why would I kidnap a homunculus? One is bad enough!
Envy: I have no idea; you're the criminal mastermind, not me!
Ed: What?!
Envy: … You're right, that's giving you way too much credit…. Okay, I gotta get back to Central, Dante can help, I'll order her to help! Alright you two, let's get a move on!
Al: … Brother?
Ed: You can't have Al.
Envy: You wanna run that by me again?
Ed: I won't take you back unless you leave him out of this.
Envy: Let me make something very clear… I DON'T MAKE DEALS WITH ALCHEMISTS!!!!
Ed: Well then I guess I can't take you back, and with the trains out it'll be pretty tough.
Envy: Ya know what, fine! I don't need your help!
Envy walks out of yard and down the street out of view
Al: Brother, the trains aren't running, he's gonna have to go through the forest.
Ed: What? You wanna be turned into his slave?
Al: … But he'll get killed. What about the chimeras?
Ed: If there's no Envy there's no need for him to have the philosopher's stone. It solves my problems and yours too.
Al: ….
Ed: …Why do you do this to me? Come on.
Two go after Envy
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Tennessee