A/N: SO sorry about the long wait inbetween chapters. This is kind of a filler chapter; I had writer's block, which explains the delay. I think I'm pretty much over the writer's block now, so I'll do my best to quickly write the next chapter and get it posted. I"m not sure if the next chapter will be the funeral, or the chapter after that. Please read and review!!!
Lucy lay in her bed staring up at the ceiling. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get to sleep. She kept looking over to the other side of the bed, expecting to see Kevin there. Even though she knew he wouldn't be there, and that he would never be there again, she still couldn't believe it. She didn't want to believe it. She couldn't imagine life without Kevin.
Try as she might, Lucy couldn't keep from crying. Tears streamed down her face, and, although she tried to hold it back, an occasional sob escaped. She hoped no one heard them.
In the next room, Ben lay in the bed, listening to Lucy cry. As much as he was hurting, he knew that Lucy was hurting more. He couldn't imagine the pain she was going through. She was left with two young kids and two more on the way. The youngest two would never know their father, and it was doubtful that Erin would remember him, as young as she was. Even Savannah would have a hard time remembering Kevin as she got older. He promised himself that he would do everything he could to make sure that his nieces and nephew would know about their daddy. He would do the best he could to keep Kevin's memory alive in his children.
After listening to Lucy for a few more minutes, Ben got up and quietly made his way to Lucy's room. He knocked on the door. "Lucy, it's Ben. Can I come in?" he called softly.
"Come in." he heard Lucy reply.
He opened the door and entered the room. "Are you okay, Lucy?" he asked, grabbing a box of tissues off of the dresser and handing it to her.
Lucy gladly accepted it. "I will be. It's going to take a little while, but I'll be okay." She let out a harsh laugh. "I have to be. I have four children who need me."
Ben's heart went out to his sister-in-law. "Lucy, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it easier for you. I made Kevin a promise when he first went back to the police force. I promised him that if anything ever happened to you, I would take car of you and the children. I intend to keep that promise, Lucy. Anything you need, just let me know."
Lucy managed a small smile through her tears. "Thank you, Ben," she whispered. She grabbed yet another tissue from the box and dabbed at her eyes. "I loved him so much," she said. "If it weren't for the kids, I don't think I could go on without him."
"I know you did, Lucy. Anyone could tell how much you loved Kevin. He loved you, too. He told me that right after your first date. There was no one is this world that my brother loved as much as you."
"Oh, Ben, it just doesn't seem possible that he's gone. I keep thinking that he's going to walk in the door any minute now and apologize for being late."
Ben motioned towards Lucy and Kevin's bed. "May I?"
Lucy nodded and Ben sat down on the edge of the bed. "Lucy, you haven't really had that much time to let Kevin's death sink in. From the moment I got here you were doing something, whether it be fixing something to eat, taking care of the girls, or entertaining your guests. You haven't had any time alone to really think about it. Tomorrow I'll leave and I'll do my best to convince your mom to leave as well. There is one condition, though."
"What?"
"You let your mom take the girls, and you call me if you need anything."
"But-" Lucy started to protest, but Ben stopped her.
"No, Lucy. It's either that or your mom and I stick around for a little bit longer."
Lucy sighed. She really did want some time just to think without anyone else there, but she really did not want to be apart from Savannah and Erin.
"Lucy, this is the best thing for the girls right now, too. They need a little bit of normalcy. Besides, what are they going to think if they see you crying like you did today? Roxanne was here to keep them occupied today, but if you're all by yourself with them, they're going to see you cry. Even though you told the, there's no way they can understand that Kevin's never coming back again, especially Erin. They're too young."
Lucy knew that Ben was right, but she didn't want to admit it. After a few minutes of not saying anything, she spoke up. "Okay, but on one condition."
"What's that?"
"This is a one day thing unless I say otherwise. There will be no trying to talk me into another day without them, okay?"
"Okay. I'll talk to your mom in the morning and let her know. Lucy, you have to promise me that if you need anything, whether it be just to talk or you think you're going into labor, you'll call me."
"I promise."
"Alright. Try and get some sleep. You need your rest." Ben started to leave the room, then stopped. Mom and Patty Mary are coming in tomorrow. I'll keep them away from here if at all possible. Maybe I can keep them busy helping with the funeral arrangements."
Kevin had planned his funeral when he rejoined the police force and there really weren't that many arrangement that still needed to be made, so Lucy had agreed to let Ben and her mom handle them. "Okay, Ben. Goodnight," she said.
Ben walked out of Lucy's room and back to the guest room he was sleeping in. He really didn't like the idea of Lucy being alone in case something happened to her or the babies, and he knew that Matt would absolutely hate him for the idea.
Hate was no strong enough of a word to describe Matt's anger. "You did what?" Matt exclaimed. Matt had arrived at Lucy's house a few minutes ago and Ben had just informed him of his plan. "How could you do something like that without asking me first? What if something happens to Lucy or one of the babies and no one's there?" he shouted.
"Matt, calm down, please. I made Lucy promise that if she felt anything slightly different to call." Ben conveniently left out the fact that he had told her to call him, not Matt. He didn't think Matt would like that too much."
"You know how stubborn Lucy can be! DO you really expect her to keep that promise?" Matt hadn't calmed down any.
"She will. I told her that if she doesn't call and I find out, I'll have someone stay with her twenty-four hours a day." Ben replied in an even voice, hoping that would calm Matt down.
Matt sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Look, Ben, I'm sorry for getting so upset. I'm just worried about her."
"I know Matt. I am, too. But she needs this time to let Kevin's death sink in. You saw her yesterday. She kept herself so busy that she didn't have time to think about it. She doesn't want to think about it, but if she doesn't it's just going to be harder for her. You know even better than I do that it's not healthy for her."
"I know." Matt looked troubled. "I just don't like the idea of her being alone this late in her pregnancy, especially considering her history of going into labor early."
"Look, Matt, she'll call if anything happens She promised. You have to trust her. Matt, she's not a little girl anymore. You have to let her stand on her own two feet. You can't protect her from everything. She's an adult now, a mother. Be there for her when she needs you, but don't smother her. You have to trust her."
Matt looked at Ben suspiciously. "Why do you care so much? Why are you doing all of this for Lucy?"
Ben held up his hands in defense. "Look, Matt, it's not what you think. She was married to my brother, for goodness sake! I'm not interested in her. I made a promise to Kevin when he went back to the department. His biggest worry was how Lucy would handle it if something happened to him. He asked me to promise him that I would take care of her and the kids if anything happened to him. I made that promise, and I intend to it."
"But she has all of us. Why would Kevin ask you to do something like that?" Matt was confused.
"Because he knew that all of you would smother her. You'd try to protect her from the pain and hurt so much that it would end up hurting her. He didn't want that to happen."
"We're not trying to smother her; we're only trying to help her. I guess sometimes we tend to be a little overprotective. It's just so hard to remember that she can take care of herself. Yesterday, when she looked so hurt, I thought back to the time when Lucy was around fourteen or so, and her best friend died in a car accident. I kept thinking of her as the little girl that she was then, rather than the woman that she is now. I wish that I could take away her pain now as easily as I could then."
Lucy, who had come into the room several minutes ago, decided that it was time to make her presence known. "Matt, Ben, please, stop fighting," she said.
Matt and Ben both jumped. They hadn't heard her come into the room because they had been too busy yelling at each other.
Lucy walked over to where they stood. "Look, I'll be fine by myself. I promise, if I feel even the slightest little twinge, I'll call. Just please, stop arguing. This isn't what I need right now. I just want things to get back to normal, not get worse. I just lost my husband, I don't need my brother and my brother-in-law fighting. I also don't need smothered. I'm pregnant, I'm not helpless. Right now, I'm just concentrating on making it through the funeral; I can't do it without your help." Lucy was close to tears.
Matt pulled her into his arms. "I'm sorry, Luce. You and Ben are right, we need to start supporting you rather than smothering you. WE didn't mean to upset you. We're just worried."
"I know." Lucy brushed her tears away. "I'm sorry; it seems like all I ever do anymore is cry."
"You're pregnant. That's normal. You just lost your husband and you're left with two kids with two more on the way. I'd say you've got a pretty good excuse to cry." Matt said.
After a few minutes Lucy pulled away form Matt and wiped her eyes. "Well, I'd better get breakfast started," she said, walking towards the kitchen. She was almost to the kitchen when the front door opened and Annie walked in.
"No need to fix anything for breakfast. I picked us all up something to eat," Annie said. She saw that Lucy had been crying and looked made eye contact with Matt to let him know that she wanted to be alone with Lucy.
"Come on, Ben, let's go get some food and then we'd better get out of here. Your mom and Patty Mary will be getting in at the airport before long, and I'm sure you'll want to change and freshen up some before you meet them," Matt told Ben.
"Yeah, you're right. I'll be right there," Ben replied. He turned to Lucy. "I'm just a phone call away if you need me. My cell phone's always on. You have my number right?" Lucy nodded her head. "Okay then, I'd better get in there before your brother eats all the food," he joked, then he turned serious. "I'll keep Mom and Patty Mary away today, but they're going to want to come over sometime tomorrow. I'll try to call and let you know before we come over."
Lucy nodded, relieved that he had said "we" rather than "they." She loved her mother-in-law and her sister-in-law, but she wasn't sure she could handle them both by herself. They could tend to be a bit overwhelming at times.
After Ben went into the kitchen, Annie went into the living room, where Lucy was, and sat on the couch. She patted the spot next to her. Lucy practically ran to the couch and buried her face in Annie's shoulder.
"Oh, Mom, I don't know how I can go on without him. It hurts so much, and I miss him already. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without him!" she sobbed. "I can't be a single mom! Kevin was always here to help me. Oh, Mom, I miss him so much already, and it hasn't even been twenty-four hours yet! How am I going to make it without him?"
Annie held her daughter as she cried. Her heart ached for Lucy. She knew exactly what Lucy was feeling right now. The only difference was Annie had had time to prepare herself for Eric's death and she had gotten a chance to say goodbye. Lucy hadn't been able to say goodbye to Kevin. She hadn't known that when she told Kevin goodbye before he left for the station that it would be the last time she would ever see him alive.
"Lucy, I know how you feel. When your dad died, I didn't know how I could ever go on without him. I missed him so much those first few days, weeks, even months. I still miss him, even though it's been three years since he died. I'll never stop missing him, just like you'll never stop missing Kevin. But the pain lessens as time passes. The hole that's left by his death will get smaller and seem less obvious."
Annie held her daughter for awhile longer, then suggested, "Why don't you go lie down for a little while. I'm pretty sure that Kevin and Matt are gone."
Lucy nodded and started to go to her room, then stopped. "I haven't heard a thing from Savannah or Erin this morning," she said. "Have you checked on them at all?"
"I took them with me when I left to get breakfast. They're with Sam and David a the house right now."
"Oh, okay," Lucy replied, relieved. She guilty that she hadn't thought of them before. She continued on to her bedroom.
Annie waited to make sure that Lucy did indeed go to bed. When she heard the bedroom door shut, she straightened up the house, grabbed her purse off the counter, and then left, locking the door behind her. She headed for her car. When she reached it, she was surprised to see Matt still there, leaning against his own car, waiting for her.
"How's she doing?" he asked.
Annie sighed. "Right now, she's struggling. She needs this time alone to be able to think through everything. She's so scared right now, Matt. I just wish that there were some way I could help her."
Matt pulled Annie into a hug. "You're doing as much as you can, Mom. We can't smother her, She's not a kid anymore. She needs to live her own life. We can't live it for her.