Recollections of the Doomed

II. Adulthood

See chapter one for summary, warnings, rating, etc.

A second story, slightly less AkuZeku than the first and focusing a little more on Zexion (in particular, his opinion of Axel). Again written in present tense...sigh...and also, the basic idea for this comes from Loveless (the manga). I just applied it to AkuZeku and ran with it.

And please don't start the whole "Do Nobodies age?" argument with me. For the sake of this story, Nobodies can't. Okay? I have no energy to argue with you. I have homework to do.

Zexion knows his situation is unusual. How could it not be--? He is a Nobody, a being that does not technically exist, a being that is but a shell of a former, whole, human existence. There are only twelve others like him, sad drifting beings who cling on to their memories of their former lives, because there is nothing else they have. The only other ones--things--like them are but mindless monsters, under their command. Otherwise...he, and the other twelve, are entirely alone.

If you ask me what kind of man I want to be when I grow up...

But Zexion knows his situation is different from the others. The others plunged themselves into darkness and lost their previous existences in the full bloom of their adulthood. Some had families--not a day goes by when Demyx doesn't remind the others of his wife and daughter, and Luxord occasionally brings up his multiple marriages. They all had jobs and positions in society. Perhaps not all of them were upstanding citizens, but the others were all adults. They had all already known what kind of people they were, and many had already realized their youthful ambitions.

Not Zexion.

Then I will tell you.

It was because Ienzo had been seventeen when he gave himself to the darkness. Zexion, being the Nobody of Ienzo, inherited not only his Other's general appearance and memories, but also his age--and as he is a Nobody, a drifting shell, he cannot age. And of course, as a Nobody, he is technically ageless. Age shouldn't matter to beings who don't exist, and in most cases, it doesn't. But to Zexion, it does.

Because Ienzo became a Nobody at seventeen, he didn't have a chance to grow up. To realize his ambitions, to become a man. Of course, he already knew what he was going to be--a scientist. But Ienzo did not know, and Zexion does not know, what kind of man he might have become. Now he will never know, because he is, forever, physically a teenager.

I want to be a strong man, a tall man, a man who can fight for himelf, and for others.

It usually doesn't bother him. The other members do talk down to him a little bit, do call him "little boy" and "kid", and speak patronizingly to him even if they're technically his juniors according to the Organization's hierarchy. Luxord happens to be the most egregrious offender, followed by Larxene. Zexion doesn't mind, because he knows he's senior to them. And he's grown. Maybe not physically, but mentally he has. He's done things that Ienzo has never done, because of his youth--he's gotten drunk on more than one occasion, has tried to smoke once (but didn't like it), and...he's even slept with someone.

I want to be a man who can smile caustically at everything, the kind of man who can brush off all his troubles with a casual shrug and a laugh.

But sometimes it does bother Zexion. Sometimes he does start to wonder about the kind of man he might have become, if he'd been given a chance to grow up. Would he be any different from the person he is now, or would he be stronger, wiser, more kind? Such questions are too difficult to answer, and in many cases impossible. It's funny, in a way--because before Axel, he never thought about what kind of adult Ienzo could have been.

Somehow...Axel made him wonder. It's odd because Zexion knows nothing about Axel's previous life, but being with Axel makes him wonder about himself. What would happen if he could age, if he could grow into a man? Would Axel still desire him, or would he have never gotten tangled with Axel in the first place? Was it his youthful naivete that drew him to Axel, a lack of past experiences to fall back on?

I want to be a gentle man, a man who would hold the hands of someone like me, and guide him through life.

Once, Zexion voiced his thoughts to Axel, one of those times late at night when they were too tired to fuck but too alert to sleep. Sometimes they converse; most of the time they lie silent, content to touch hands and bask in the other's warmth. One night, long ago, Zexion wondered aloud what sort of man he would be. He asked Axel, "If I could grow up--if I could have become a man--what do you think I'd have been like?"

Axel turned to him, his green eyes glinting in the dark, and said, "I don't think you'd be different at all, Zexion."

I want to be a smart man whose intelligence goes beyond just books, who understands people and what drives them.

Zexion disagrees with Axel on many counts, and he certainly disagrees with Axel on that count. Maybe it's just wishful thinking, but he believes that if Ienzo had gotten a chance to grow up, he would have turned out very different from Zexion. Perhaps it's because Zexion doesn't like what he is, and fantasizes about what could have been different. In his fantasies, he would have become much wiser, much stronger, someone who could smile more easily but at the same time was impossible to divine.

He tells himself that the man he wishes he could become is just a fantasy, that no one could possibly be like that. All humans have flaws, and Zexion knows this painfully well. No one can be perfect. But, he tells himself, the man he wants to be isn't exactly a shining example of perfection.

I want to be the kind of man who fears nothing.

In the end, Zexion decides it doesn't matter. Wishing, hoping, dreaming--these are the domain of those with hearts. He is incapable of dreaming for long, and eventually shrugs his dreams all off. In the end, he decides, his age--or lack of it--means nothing. And already, he's matured, far more than Ienzo ever did. He's become a wiser and harsher and sadder and more empathetic person than Ienzo could ever have hoped to become. Maybe he has already grown into a man. Not physically, but in every other way.

The man he is now isn't exactly the man he wanted to be, but that doesn't matter. As long as he has Axel, he doesn't need to fantasize.

Ha ha ha. I don't have much to say on this story, except it almost makes Axel and Zexion's relationship seem kind of...healthy. Which is just plain weird, but...enjoy it anyway.

Again, if you read this...please drop a comment or two, okay? I want to know what my precious readers are thinking!

If you have any requests, you can PM me, but that's no guarantee I'll write them. Because I'm kind of busy right now...but if I can steal enough time to write I will.