Recollections of the Doomed

V. Dead Star

See chapter one for summary and ratings and stuff.

Surprise update! I'm surprised I'm still working on this, but the story flooded out in a burst of inspiration (such a rare, rare thing). It practically wrote itself, and I'm very pleased in the end result.

Sleuth around for a) an Emily Dickinson reference, b) a Twilight reference, and c) tons and tons of Muse references. Specifically, lines that should sound awfully familiar to anyone who's listened to their wonderful song "Dead Star"...on which this story is based, really.

Whenever Axel was in a particularly poetic mood--which didn't happen often--he would wonder what to compare his and Zexion's relationship to.

He liked analogies, metaphors, similes--committed the well-done ones to his memory (death as a chariot driver...), shook his head at more poorly put together ones (marble Adonises, indeed!), but in any case, it was the concept that appealed to him most. The concept of taking two completely separate things--apples and oranges--and putting them together, forcing them to match up, for better or for worse. Making order out of chaos. The perfect thing for a Nobody to be attracted to.

Love metaphors were the most popular and prevalent out there. He had seen love compared to many thing: the first young love compared to spring, just as vibrant and just as brief. There was the ever popular analogy between love and flowers of various kinds, which he didn't get (perhaps Marluxia would appreciate those more). Love was described as a flame, burning and passionate, or as a soft and comforting blanket.

None of them satisfied him. In part, it was because he didn't believe he and Zexion had anything approximating "love" in the first place. There was nothing sweet to their relationship, or vibrant and brief--they'd been going on for years already, almost a decade at this point. Sometimes, he thought the flame metaphor was most appropriate...after all, like flame, their relationship was one of passion above all, and left nothing but destruction in its path.

But that didn't feel right either. Flames didn't last for long, and flames did give off warmth and light. No...

When Axel thought about it, only one analogy could fit him and Zexion:

A dead star.

Like a dead star, they had once burned brighter, but had now faded.

"You used to be everything to me."

Axel looked up, jerking out of the chess game he'd been playing with himself--the last time he'd played with Zexion, his losing streak of fifty-five games in a row convinced him to never challenge the Schemer again. "Huh? What're you going on about now?"

"Nothing..." said Zexion quietly, curled up in his customary seat beneath the library window. He wasn't looking at Axel, but rather gazing at the dark sky outside, illuminated only by the artificial moon's glow. "Only I was thinking about...about the two of us."

"Hmm, really," said Axel, surveying the board and wondering where to move his black knight next.

"I meant it," continued Zexion. "What I said. There was a time when...when I could not conceive of a world outside you. When I...I would look forward, more than anything, to the nights after missions, when the two of us would..."

He trailed off; Axel knew that outside of the bedroom, Zexion was quite the prude. He would not even say that three-letter word.

"You were...my world," sighed Zexion, shaking his head in a rueful way. "I was a bit stupid for thinking that, was I not?"

Axel didn't reply, except to finally move his knight. The clack as he set it down on the board rang through the silent library. In the seconds afterwards, the only sound was the gentle flapping of paper as Zexion turned the pages of the book he was immersed in.

"You know..." said Axel quietly, almost to almost. "You used to mean a lot more to me, too..."

Like a dead star, they were volatile, straining under the weight of years spent burning.

"Dammit! Let go of me--you bastard, you bastard, I hate you, I fucking hate you--"

Axel supposed he'd be upset, if he could feel in the first place. But all he felt as he clutched Zexion's wrist so tightly he was probably cutting off the circulation was a faint disgust rising in the pit of his stomach. He gazed down at the smaller Nobody's livid-with-anger face, and merely tightened his grip as Zexion thrashed harder, struggling to free himself.

"Axel--let go--"

"'Master'," said Axel icily. "I won't do anything for you until you learn to address me properly, got it memorized?"

"Never! I will never bow to the likes of you!" shouted Zexion, bringing up his free hand in an attempt to slap Axel. Axel hadn't been expecting it, so cursed when the blow connected, sending more pain than he'd like to admit ringing through his head. Immediately his rage--no, not his rage, his feral animal instincts--kicked into high ear, and he drove his knee into Zexion's stomach before pushing the Cloaked Schemer away from him, sending him slamming into the wall.

"Axel..." hissed Zexion, glaring at him with pure hate in his eyes. Axel advanced on him, fist raised, his voice deadly when he spoke.

"You're going to learn what happens to disobedient little boys who don't know when to listen to their masters."

"You are not my--aaugh!" as the blow connected, knocking Zexion violently to the side. He fell on his hands and knees, gasping like a drowning man, looking like he was fighting back the urge to spit up something. He couldn't maintain his control for long, and soon, with a shuddering gasp, was coughing out great globs of blood that shockingly splattered the white floor.

"Damn it, Zexion," sighed Axel as he approached, running a frustrated hand through his hair. "Why can't you sleep with someone who'll protect you?"

Like a dead star, they eventually collapsed in on themselves, too tired to burn even faintly.

Axel stood above Zexion's shattered grave in the room that claimed to be the only proof that the Nobodies of the Organization existed. But that wasn't right...it couldn't be right. Because Zexion did exist beyond just a panel broken beyond recognition. He existed in...in Axel's memories. In all the sweaty and fevered nights together, in all the curses and blows, all the times they both comforted the other without knowing why, after all, they had no reason to even like each other...

But still they'd stuck together for almost a decade. And now...now they had both faded. One way or the other...

"You were tired of fighting, weren't you?" said Axel, shaking his head. "You gave up in the end...I know you did."

He knew it, with something deep in the core of his non-being. How, near the end, Zexion came to accept his rule much more easily, came to submit to him more and more often. At first, it had pleased Axel...yet he couldn't help but feel a tad disturbed at the same time. There was a time when Zexion would have fought, would have fought everything. Every attempt by Axel to get him to call him "master", every time Axel tried taking him against his will. He always ended up submitting, of course, but not after a long struggle.

Axel had never realized how much he'd appreciated Zexion fighting back; had never appreciated it until Zexion stopped. Those final months, the months when he'd finally broken Zexion's spirit, shattered the other Nobody into hundreds of tiny pieces that could not be put back together. He'd done his best to get a rise out of Zexion again, desperately, tried everything--acted more cruel than he had in a decade--

And yet Zexion had done nothing, nothing but bow his head and quietly accept Axel's orders, his face disturbingly blank.

And now he was gone. Gone. The word tasted funny in Axel's throat, caused a strange sensastion to seize up that empty space where his heart had once belonged. He gazed at the shattered panel, remembering those final moments, remembering how Zexion had--once he realized that there would be no salvation for him--simply given up, slumped in Axel's grip, resigned to his death...

"You weren't to blame. I wasn't either..." he said quietly. "We're all to blame."

Axel was glad that the poetic moods didn't happen often. He didn't want to remember Zexion more than he absolutely had to, and every time he thought about the two of them--him and Zexion, them as a dead star--the memories came flooding back. The memories of every time together. Every fight. Every smile, however rare.

He tried to immerse himself in his friendship with Roxas and Xion, but it all felt fake to him. Hollow and pretend...or rather, he felt hollow. Too hollow to do anything but laugh at the right times, answer the kids' questions, and go with the flow of life. It scared him, in a way. Once, he'd have never consented to follow anyone. He took pride in leading himself, in forging his own path, in actively creating his own fate. That was the one reason why he so utterly refused to submit to Zexion, why he'd tried his darnedest to subdue the other Nobody, to get him to submit...

He'd done it--destroyed Zexion--and now no victory could feel more empty, more despairing.

In a pathetic way, he thought bitterly, the dead star analogy extended even after Zexion's death. Zexion was gone completely, with no proof that he'd existed besides a broken panel and a few snatches of memory Axel had (when he was trying to deny them), but even though Axel had survived, it had left him empty. Hollower than even the hollow shells that all Nobodies were. Zexion had...Zexion had sucked away his will to live. His self. Had, with a powerful, unexplainable force, dragged all of Axel down with him, until they had both vanished so completely they could never be found, never could be retrieved, never could be saved, again.

The dead star had become a black hole.

All reviews are appreciated. ^^ I'd like comments, especially, on how well the analogy was carried out. And do listen to "Dead Star" while reading this. Not only is it a great song, but I think it gets the story a deeper level. I mean, I was listening to the song while writing it, so a lot of its mood, I'd say, was transmitted into the story. That being said, this story is not a songfic. Just so I don't get into trouble.

I can't promise any further updates, since this was just randomly inspired. So sorry to those of you who're impatient for the next chapter of Tainted but Beautiful. :(