Chapter Two: Please, Allow Me To Explain Myself
I was so confused. I'm so sick of being confused!!! I screamed in my head. It was dark where I was at, and I could still feel the pain the devoured my heart, only now there was something new about it, something that had been added to my already unbearable pain. It was an annoying stinging somewhere. I didn't know where it was coming from, I just knew it was there.
I didn't understand what was going on. I'd been wandering around in the darkness for what seemed like forever.
Maybe I'm in some kind of purgatory? Or worse, hell!
My heart sank, I'd been so sure and so hopeful that I'd be with my father again.
I truly will never see him again.
The pain in my chest and the annoying stinging that joined it now continued to grow stronger and I finally began to see some light surrounding the vast emptiness around me. I still didn't understand what was happening, so I just watched silently as colors and objects began to appear before me.
Everything came into view and I blinked a few time to clear the blur that kept me from really seeing what was in front of me. I took a deep breath as everything became clear and I took in my surroundings.
No wonder I didn't make it to you. I thought to my father.
I glanced around the hospital room, looking at the sleeping woman on the small couch up against the wall to my left.
Mom...
I decided not to wake her, instead further surveying the room I was in. I noticed the doors - one, straight ahead of me, I assumed was most likely a bathroom or closet, the other, to my right, had to lead out into the rest of the hospital - then I looked further right and finally noticed the machines shoved next to the bed I occupied; several cords and tubes leading from the machines and connecting to my body in various places.
I sighed heavily, looking down and noticing the thick bandages that covered both of my wrists. As I stared at them, remembering why I'd need the bandages in the first place, they began to sting badly, and I could finally place that annoying stinging that now accompanied my current pain. I sighed again and looked up quickly when I heard the door in front of me open.
Yep, a bathroom. I thought as Sota walked out, turning off the light. His eyes lit up when he was me awake.
"Kagome!" He yelled, running over to embrace me. "We were so worried about you!" His noise caused my sleeping mother to sir and finally awaken, looking over in the direction of the noise. Seeing me awake, she stood instantly and rushed over to my side, embracing me as well.
"Oh, Kagome!" My mother cried, "I thought I lost you too!" She confessed. She pulled away from me to look me in the eyes. "Why Kagome?" She furrowed her eyebrows, asking me the same question I'd been asking my father for days now. "Why did you do something so stupid?" She demanded, however gently.
I was taken aback by her question. I knew why I'd done it, of course, but the fact that she could ask me exactly what I'd been asking my father; the fact that she could even feel an ounce of the pain I feel now, shocked me beyond anything.
I breathed a sigh of relief, finally feeling something other then pain. I looked right into her eyes, feeling guilty immediately for causing her pain.
"I'm so sorry, Mom." I told her truthfully, tears sliding down my cheeks. "I never meant to hurt you, I was being reckless. I'm so sorry. It just hurts so much, mom. I miss him so much that I'm suffocating in my own sorrow and I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't bear the pain. I'm so sorry for hurting you." I confessed to her, opening up my soul.
"Promise me, Kagome," She began, grabbing my hands in hers, "Promise me you won't ever do something like that again." She asked of me, shedding her own tears. I put on a fake smile, though small, and answered her honestly once more, "I promise, Mom. I promise."
Now that I understood that she felt my pain, possibly to the same degree, I would never do anything to hurt her further.
She lost someone too, Kagome. How could you have been so blind to that? I asked myself. The guilt lied on even thicker now. I will keep that promise to my mother. I knew that for a fact.
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The hospital didn't allow me to go home, which I'd already expected before they let me in on it. I would be placed into the cities Sanitarium for a while - about a month is what the doctor told me - and while there I can "heal my body, mind, and soul." I didn't appreciate this doctor assuming I'd heal that easily from a wound this deep, but I'd do as I was told, and accept things as gracefully as I could. I got myself into this mess, after all.
I just hope that going to this Sanitarium won't prove to be a complete waste of my time. Maybe I would actually get something out of this.
A month? Hopefully I get out of there sooner. I'll just be sure to be on my best behavior. My goal is two weeks.
I was confidant that I could be out of that place in just two weeks.
Oh, I hope I can be out soon, I can't miss too much school. Dad always wanted me to have a good education. I'm going to make sure I get one, just for him.
I sighed, holding back tears that sprang up in my eyes at the thought of my late father. I don't think I had enemies, but if I did, I wouldn't ever wish this kind of pain upon them. This, I'm sure, was the worst kind of pain; the worst kind of hurt anyone could ever feel.
Oh dad...My hearts an open wound, bleeding at the loss of you. Will my heart ever stop bleeding? Will my wound ever heal?
I already knew the answer to that. Not a chance, ever, would this wound ever heal. I will be powerless against this pain for the rest of my life. There will always be a void where my father once was, held dearly in my heart.
"All right, Kagome. We're here." I heard a tall male, clad in all white, speak to me from the front seat. I looked up to see that by 'here' he indeed meant the Sanitarium.
"Thank you." I said to the man. I'd already said my good-bye's to my mother and Sota, adding that I'd see them on Thursday if they chose to visit me. Thursdays were my only visiting days, so they quickly accepted the offer, knowing it'd be the only time we'd get to see ach other.
After our goodbye's, I was escorted outside to a white van. There was about five seats available, and then the front passenger seat and the drivers seat.
I sighed, crawling into the second row of seats. I was the only passenger, aside from the driver and the man sitting beside him. The trip wasn't too long, however, traffic wasn't too promising. So on the trip there, I decided to just get lost in my own thoughts.
I found discomfort with my thoughts though, so I was grateful when the man interrupted them to announce our arrival. I didn't have many belongings with me. The Sanitarium was very precise on what is allowed and what is not, so I only carried with me enough clothes to last me a couple weeks, and the fuzzy white stuffed bear my father and mother had given to me for Valentines Day last year. It was a beautiful stuffed animal; as white as snow, with a blood red ribbon attached around it's neck. In it's arms was a blood red heart and written on it in a lovely cursive font was 'I Love You, Kagome.' I couldn't sleep without that bear, and my mom knew that so I was thankful when she packed it with the clothes she's packed for me earlier today.
I was shown to my room right after we checked in at the front, and now I sat in my room on the edge of my bed. I had a room-mate, but I haven't met her yet.
Sighing yet again - I realized I did that a lot now - I stood and began to unpack my stuff. I arranged my things so they suited my personality. As I was finishing, I heard someone open the door and walk into the room.
"Oh? Am I in the wrong room?" I heard a guy ask as I turned around. He stepped out into the hall, looked up at the room number above the door, and stepped back in, shaking his head.
"No...Are you in the wrong room?" He asked me, giving me a strange look.
I shook my head, knowing I wasn't in the wrong room. I was escorted to this room personally.
"Your sure? Room 313?" He questioned.
I gave him a half smile and nodded. "Yes. Room 313."
"Hm...Maybe they made a mistake in the office." He said, shrugging. He made his way into the room and sat on the edge of his bed. "Oh well." He laughed, "At least I get to share a room with a pretty girl."
I smile lightly and bowed my head thanking him for his compliment. He was tall and had dark brown hair and shimmering blue eyes. His hair was short and pulled back into a small ponytail at the nape of his neck.
"Hello? Yoohoo? You in there?" I heard him ask me, waving a hand in front of my face.
"Huh? Oh..Yeah." I blushed, realizing I'd just spaced out probably staring at him as I profiled him. I really had no interest in him other then to be his friend, but I enjoy surveying and observing people, and by staring at him just now I probably gave him the idea that I was interested in him. Either that, or he thinks I'm a total loony bin now. Oddly enough, I'd much prefer he thought the latter.
"I asked you what your name is. You spaced out on me there." He laughed at me again.
"Oh, sorry. I do that a lot. Um...I like to observe people. Yeah it's kind of weird I guess. But my name is Kagome. Kagome Higurashi." I told him as I extended my arm forward to shake his hand.
He shook it gladly eying the bandage on my wrist and saying, "My name is Miroku. I just moved here."
That confused me. "You moved...here?" I asked, pointing to the floor.
"Oh! No! My mother and I just moved to Tokyo recently. My mom...she thought I needed to be here for counseling for a few weeks." He said, sadly.
"Oh...I'm so sorry." I told him, rushing forward to embrace the boy I'd just met.
I wasn't sure what I was apologizing for, but I wanted to offer him some sort of comfort. He seems surprised by my drastic move, but relaxed and hugged me back.
"Thanks." I heard him whisper.
I released him, "No problem...Miroku."
"So, I wonder when they are going to realize they put us together in the same room." He said, laughing.
"Oh. I don't know. Maybe they did it on purpose." I joked.
"Yeah, I wish. It's be nice to know someone around here." He said seriously. "Say, when are you supposed to get out of here?" He wondered.
I sat back on my bed before answering. "Oh, I suppose a month, but...I'm going to try for two weeks." I told him.
"Yeah, I hope I'm getting out soon. Maybe we'll get out together!" He said joyfully.
How can you be in a place like this and be so happy?
I wanted to ask why he was here, but I didn't want to be considered rude. I know where the boundary line was, but I really was curious. He was so happy, I didn't think this place suited him.
"You know...this place doesn't suit you..." I knew those words were safe, at least I hoped so.
He stared straight into my eyes, and for the first time, I saw the pain in them. I instantly regretted my previous words.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend--" I started.
"It's okay." He interrupted me. "I choose to be happy, Kagome. And," he said, coming to sit next to me and taking my hand, once again eyeing my bandaged wrist, "I think you want to be happy too, you just can't find your happiness anymore."
He rubbed his thumb over my bandage, never taking his eyes off of it, "Your happiness was taken away from you." He said in a small voice.
"Will you tell me what happened?" He asked, finally looking into my eyes.
My eyes widened. I was shocked by his bluntness, yet at the same time, grateful for it. It was refreshing. And oddly enough, I wanted to tell this boy I just met all about my story. I felt I could trust this Miroku, and I found myself wishing that he felt the same way about me. I hoped he felt he could trust me too.
"Okay." I said softly.
He beamed, smiling proudly. "And I will tell you why I'm here. And Kagome?"
"Yes?"
"You can trust me."
I saw the truth in his eyes as he stared into mine. "And you can trust me Miroku." I told him, truthfully.
"I know." He said, smiling.
We grew silent and I knew he was waiting for me to begin with my story.
Where to begin though?
"I...I tried to kill myself." I could hear the shame in my voice. "I used a piece of a broken mirror in my room to cut my wrists."
His eyes held mine in a trance. I couldn't look away, and they made me want to continue my story.
"My father and I were in an accident. A car accident. We were...um..." I was choking on my words as the pain started to stab me and the tears started to prick my eyes, "We were on our way to see a movie, and my dad was talking to me, and wasn't paying attention to what he was doing..." I couldn't hold my tears back any longer, and they began to fall as they had so many times in the past couple weeks.
"A guy ran a red light, he was driving a diesel truck, and he ran right into my dads side of the car..." I couldn't continue, I felt like I was being suffocated again, and I was gasping for air. Miroku just held my hands tightly within his, and didn't say a word as I tried to gather my bearings.
"My dad died." I blurted out, "And it's all my fault!"
"It's not your fault, Kagome." I heard Miroku say, as he pulled me into his arms.
"Yes it is," I said quietly, "If I wasn't talking to him, he wouldn't have been looking at me, and he would have seen the diesel coming."
"It's not your fault. You may not see that now, but you will eventually." He was quiet for a moment, then, "Is that why you tried to kill yourself? Because you blame yourself for you fathers death?"
I never thought of killing myself because I felt it was my fault. I never thought of it that way at all. I said as much to Miroku, and he looked shocked.
"Then why, Kagome?"
"Honestly, it hurts. It hurts so much I can barely handle it. My dad was my best friend. Losing him was like losing a piece of myself and when I lost him, I lost him and a piece of myself. Do you understand, Miroku?"
He nodded, smiling lightly. "Thank you for telling me, Kagome."
He held me and let me cry on his shoulder until I felt like a child and backed away from his embrace. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have cried on you like that."
"It's not a problem at all, really. I'd be more then happy to help you any time Kagome. Don't forget that okay?" He said this with a genuine smile on his face, and I thanked God that I had met him.
"Now would you like to hear my story?" He asked looking right into my eyes again.
I could only nod. I knew that it was now my turn to comfort him, and if need be, I would do so in a heartbeat. So, I listened while he began to tell me his story.
A/N: NEXT CHAPTER WE GET TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO MIROKU.