Pillow Talk.
House woke up, because he couldn't breathe.
No, he wasn't having a heart attack, or anything else dramatic like that.
Someone's arm was just covering up his airway.
"Cuddy…" he groaned, after pushing the offending limb off of his face. "Are you trying to kill me?" His bed partner opened her eyes tentatively, before opening them completely.
"House… what?"
"Oh, no, you've lost all memory of the last few days! Why are you in bed with your least favourite employee, when the last time you checked, you were still sleeping with that boy toy? Egad, rush the Dean to her hospital! There's something wrong with her brain! It was probably all of the mind blowing sex she was having with that world-famous diagnostician! Maybe if he gets his ass out of her bed, she can order him to figure out what's wrong with her!" Cuddy rolled her eyes at him.
"What now, House?" she asked sleepily. "It's… two in the morning."
"You were trying to kill me. I know it was you, because no one else has an arm that soft. An evil, insidious arm, mind you."
"I still don't get it."
"Your arm was covering my face, and I couldn't breathe. Maybe we should sleep in separate beds. I read somewhere that it's good for building strong relationships. That is, if you have sex in one bed first. No sex is generally a relationship killer."
Cuddy blinked at the word relationship.
Was that what they were going to be doing now?
"Oh snap…" House said, picking up on her silence. "I just said the 'R' word. Don't worry, I won't say it again. Lord knows you're going to want to keep me your dirty little secret. It's almost sexier that way. Sneaking around the hospital, meeting for a late night rendezvous in the sleep lab, cameras suspiciously turned off, lusty little looks shot at each other when we think no one's looking. That'll put the spice back into your love life."
She shot him a look.
"Oh dear, did I hurt little Cuddles' feelings? Now just because you didn't have a good sex life with your previous man-"
"We had a fantastic sex life, thank you very much." Cuddy retorted.
"Oh? You show him some of the moves I taught you way back when?"
"You mean the moves I taught you? They're obsolete now. I should know, I've been subscribing to dominatrix weekly."
"Mmm, on the off-chance that you'd get some sort of opportunity for action? I'm sure there wasn't much opportunity for practice. Not much you can do in the Kama Sutra with a Rabbit and a picture of Brad Paisley."
"Oh, you wish I didn't have much opportunity for action. On the few dates that you didn't manage to interrupt, I cut to the chase pretty quick."
House made a face.
"Don't like the idea of me with other men?" she asked sweetly.
"Nope." he said cheerfully. "Other women, however…"
"Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?"
"Damn right I would. You have no idea how much great stuff I've gotten out of you and Thirteen, or you and Stacy, or hell, even you and Cameron."
Something flashed across Cuddy's face.
"Still sore about me sleeping with her, are we? You're lucky it wasn't Thirteen, I might have gotten distracted from my true goal."
"What, getting into my pants?"
"What else would it have been? Certainly not showing you that you've been acting like a fourteen year-old girl and that I'm what you've been after your whole life."
"My whole life?" she scoffed, rolling over to look him in the eye directly. "You think I spent the years after I hit puberty dreaming about the crass, sarcastic asshole with a bad work ethic and a gimpy leg who would steal my heart?"
"I knew it was my crappy work ethic that got you hot!" he teased, reaching over to cup her cheek. "You forgot drug addict and felon."
"You weren't convicted." she replied, kissing him lightly. "And you're not a drug addict."
"Oh? How would you know that; you've been spending the last few months avoiding me. For all you know, I could've been hitting the streets for my heroin fix. You wouldn't have noticed, you were too busy playing happy family with a crack baby and a private investigator." His tone was playful, but she could still sense the bitterness behind his words.
"I'm sorry; I guess I was just too deep in denial about my utter infatuation with your handsome, rugged mug. Next time I'll get the 'I don't care for rules' doctor to come role-play with me and my crack baby." she retorted, knowing that taking offense at his comments simply wasn't how their game was played.
"Oh, not when there's a child in the room. I wouldn't want her to get any ideas. You never know what kind of kinky sex moves will show up in her subconscious when that hot boy from the basketball team finally makes his move on her."
"Getting all over-protective father on me already? It's a little early for that; you don't even call her by her real name."
"What was it again? Rhonda? Rebecca? Rayanne? Roxanne? Remy? I do think I know a Remy…" She rolled her eyes at him again.
"Now I'm only going to say this once…" Cuddy said teasingly. "Rachael. Rachael Cuddy."
"It's not going to be Cuddy for long." House said.
"Yeah? You figure she'll join a polygamous cult at age eight and get married to some guy named Fischer?"
"No," House replied. "She'll have to change it when I marry her mother."
Cuddy let out a small laugh.
"Right. The day you marry me is the day you do all your clinic duty without some ulterior motive. And yes, sex IS an ulterior motive." she added at the lecherous look on his face.
"Oh, Cuddy, have you stopped believing in me so quickly? We were doing so well…"
"Right. Even when we've been together for thirty years, I'm still not going to trust me."
"You figure we'll last that long?"
"You don't want us to?"
"Of course, I want us to, I want to be the one to lie to you and say that no, your breasts are not sagging. I still have faith in your ass, though. No way that supertanker's going down."
"Thanks," she said dryly, smacking his arm. "Really upped my self esteem. I can't say the same about your 'man parts' though. What with all the Vicodin you've downed over the years, I wouldn't be surprised if 'Little Greg' went and shriveled up."
"That really hurts, Cuddy. Never insult a man's… manhood. It hurts his manliness."
"Like you need any more boosts to your ego."
"I'm easily the biggest guy you've been with. I'm at least twenty."
Cuddy laughed pretty hard at that. "Centimeters, maybe…" House looked rather hurt at her comment.
"No, inches. It's America. Men measure their penises with inches. None of that nasty metric system crap. Real men don't need uniform conversion factors. And real men have large johns."
"You mean like Lucas? He's pretty well hung…"
"Come on, I've taken a piss with him before. A half-foot, at the most. I don't see how you could have had sex with someone so badly endowed."
"You're right; your Olympian penis was a godsend. How could I ever go back?"
"I don't know. You can probably avoid the withdrawal symptoms if you screw me at least once a day, though. Blow jobs will work just as well."
"If you think I'm going to give you oral sex with nothing in return, you've got another thing coming, Mr. My Man Parts Trump All. You'll be expecting a lot of cold showers with that attitude."
"Ooh, a woman who can stand up for herself. See, all anyone could say before was 'That'll be $50, Mr. House.' Ha ha. Did you catch what I did there? I just made a hooker joke, 'cause I was so pathetic before you found it in your heart to let me into your bed. I'm certainly not going back to Slutty Sues working their way through teacher's college."
"Very funny, House. You're a real comedian. You could quit your day job; it'd sure take a load off me."
"Oh, we wouldn't want that, would we? After all, I'm the only reason your fat old donors consider giving money to the hospital."
"Until they meet you, that is." Cuddy shot back.
"I think," House started, twirling his fingers through her hair. "I think that you're getting a little to snarky for your own good."
"Oh? Going to discipline me now, Dr. House?"
"You wish. No, I was just going to withhold sex. Disciplining you wouldn't do anything. Probably turn you on. You administrator types love to be controlled."
"What happened to your dominatrix speculations?"
"I've seen you in bed. What was it, four times now? Five? The day was just a big, orgasmic blur…"
"You're the one who keeps waking me, up, you should've been keeping track. My god, you're insatiable."
"Actually, I am your god. And yes, I do have quite the appetite for sex."
"Did you wake Cameron up this much? Woman of her stamina wouldn't have been able to handle it."
"Oh, thanks for bringing her up. I was just about ready to get going again. And for the record, we only did it once. Can't take that much passionless sex."
"Oh? You didn't fall onto the sheets with a wild, fervent flurry of kisses, unable to take your hands off her for more than a few seconds, every passing second adding to the lust that you felt?"
"You must have taken that straight out of a romance novel. That level of recitation requires at least a twenty-time re-read. Did it get a little lonely, having no man to share your life with? Did you fall in love with a long-haired, buff-chested barbarian, whose appetite for glory was only matched by his passion for you (and all the fantastic sex)? You do know that people don't dissolve into a puddle at the merest touch of their one true love, right?"
"I figured that out a long time ago, House. So, you and Cameron…?"
"It was a comfort fuck."
"Comfort fuck?"
"Well, there's the pity fuck, the 'I'm so sad and pathetic, please screw me to make me feel like I wasn't dumped because I was so bad in bed', and the old people fuck, which I would rather not get into, seeing as it contains copious amounts of Viagra, and then there's the comfort fuck, the 'Man, nothing's going right in our lives, maybe we should have sex to make each other feel worthwhile.'"
"You were just feeling so empty because I was screwing Lucas, who, by the way, is most definitely more than a half-foot."
"Hey, hey, hey, never talk about another man's junk when you're in bed. Unless you're having a threesome, and that's not going to happen here, unless it's with Thirteen."
"What about Wilson?"
"Wilson?" House sputtered. "Wilson? We are NOT having a threesome with Wilson, no matter how mundane years of fabulous sex gets."
"A little defensive, aren't we? Something you want to tell me?"
"I am NOT gay."
"Didn't say you were." Cuddy laughed, loving how uncomfortable House had gotten. "Just maybe a little bit attracted to those gorgeous brown locks and boyish face."
"Please don't talk about Wilson like that again." House said, his eyes completely serious.
"Why, is it stirring up feelings? You two were always suspiciously close for two heterosexual men… Maybe there's something to those rumours."
"What rumours?" House asked quickly.
"Oh, come on, House, you can't tell me you haven't heard any. The smart money's actually on a secret gay relationship, hidden since the beginning of time. Apparently, you two have a lot of chemistry."
"Chemistry? With Jimmy? I mean, I know it's hard for anyone to resist me, but Wilson? He's the most notorious panty-peeler Princeton's ever known. You don't get into a woman's pants with tea and sympathy alone."
"If you two could just hear yourselves talk to each other… well, maybe you wouldn't have cared so much about my relationships if you had just realized the truth. You and James Wilson are meant to be. Hopefully gay marriage will be legalized by the time you two get your acts together. You could adopt two little boys from Africa, and run a little private clinic together out in Saudi Arabia."
"Saudi Arabia?'
"It's hot out there. More opportunities to take each other's shirts off."
"Okay, seriously, joke's over. It is definitely against the bedroom rulebook to talk about your partner's gay relationship."
"Ah ha! So you are sleeping together. I knew it. I put a thousand in, who knows how much I'll get."
"No, we're not. Now shut up, or I'll start talking about you and Thirteen's secret lesbian affair. Now I'm sure you know how many rumours there are about that."
"Just because we'd make the most attractive couple. And it doesn't bother me. Verbalize your fantasies all you like, I'll be imagining you giving Wilson head in a back alley at two in the morning after a night out at the gay bar."
House's eyes went as wide as saucers.
"I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. And most attractive couple? That's definitely you and me. No way you and Ms. Huntington's have anything on our smoking chemistry. Sparks light up every time we're in the same room together."
"That's just the sound of your brain frying from all the alcohol. No, Dr. Hadley and I are definitely sexier that you and I. By at least ten points."
"Hmm, unless we're playing golf, in which case, us having fewer points means we're better. I swear though, if you leave me for the dying girl-"
"You'll have to shack up with Wilson. Get ready for nights of toenail painting and facial scrubs. I hear he's a real girl."
"You heard that from me. I swear, every morning, the hair dryer's on. Does he really have to own that many ties?"
"So, you're saying has exhibits excessive personal care habits?"
"He's NOT gay. And neither am I. You know, all this talk about Lucas's penis and Wilson's sexuality has really taken away from the real purpose of me waking you up."
"I thought it was to get my 'evil, insidious arm' out of your face."
"Okay, but the purpose of keeping you awake was more sex."
"Seriously, House? I have to get some sleep, I'm going in to work tomorrow, and so are you."
"One day of all-day sex with House too much for you? Need to escape to the sanctuary of your perfectly-run hospital?"
"Yes, actually, I do. It's been an exhausting week, what with Cameron's departure, and Wilson's suicide attempt, and you want to exert me more?"
"I don't care so much about you, actually. It's more about me. I can take care of it myself, if you'd prefer. Just be prepared to hear a lot of commentary."
"Don't worry; I'm used to you calling out Wilson's name."
"I did not."
"Are you sure? I thought it was all just an 'orgasmic blur'."
"I do NOT call out Wilson's name during sex. Ever. It's always been yours."
"Oh? And how long's this secret, burning desire for me been going on?"
"If I told you, I'd have to kill you."
"Seriously, House. If we're going to be doing this, I have to know everything." She put a fake earnest look on her face, and gripped his hand tightly.
"And what exactly is this?"
"Us having sex, frequently, stop avoiding the question."
"So I'm just going to be your sex toy? Lucas had family privileges, where are mine?"
"How long?"
"Is this going to be serious?"
"House!"
"Cuddy!"
"Just answer my question."
"I can't, what if you don't love me enough?" he pouted.
"I love you a hell of a lot more than you deserve, is that good enough?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Aren't you supposed to say something back?"
"Okay fine, I've always had a thing for you, as I may have explained, but it all started with those injections. That round, supple ass kept staring me in the face… well, you can imagine."
"Aren't you supposed to tell me something else?"
"No, that's it. That's when the jealousy really started."
"Tell me something in return…?"
"In return to what?"
"How can you be a world-renowned diagnostician and so dense at the same time?"
"I'm just good at multitasking, I guess."
"No, you're not. You're suppose to say 'I love you too, Cuddy, don't leave me or I just might fall apart.'"
"I already told you that I loved you."
"Yeah, yelling it to my face in the middle of a heated argument in my office doesn't exactly scream romantic."
"I thought it was pretty romantic."
"From your point of view, maybe. To me it was just a pain in my ass."
"Oh, you felt something, my little love muffin."
"Yeah, blind rage. Why is it so hard for you to say? It's just three little words."
"Stacy used to get on my case about this too. I already told you that I love you; I don't need to keep telling you. You already know."
"What, you don't want to wear it out?"
"It's stupid to keep saying it, like the more you do, the more you actually love the person. I love you, and if you for some reason forget that, then I don't see why I'd want to be with you."
"Okay."
"Okay? Aren't you going to lecture me about the importance of showing affection?"
"No, Wilson would do that. It makes sense. That's how you work. If you don't need to constantly remind me about your feelings, then that's fine."
"Great. Glad we got that out of the way. I love you, you love me, I started getting really hot for you when I started aiding you in your efforts to procreate, and we're going to be together forever. Can we get to the sex?"
"You are most definitely the most insatiable man I've ever been with."
"Well, with a pool of about five and a half, that's not saying much."
She smacked him in the arm.
"Would you mind keeping the comments about my sex life to yourself?"
"Yeah, actually. Seeing as the only person in it is going to be me from now on. And I like to brag a lot. I have good reason to."
"Yeah, yeah, you're a sex god. Can we get this over with?"
"Over with? This is going to be the best orgasm of your life."
"That's what you said last time."
"Everybody lies."
"So maybe you just lied about the orgasm."
"Jesus Cuddy, shut up and have sex with me."
"That's real encouraging. How about asking nicely?"
"Oh Cuddy, goddess of Sex, please screw me into a coma."
"Now that was romantic."
"You know me, I don't disappoint."
"We'll see about that."
"Oh, we will."
He wiggled his amazingly dexterous eyebrows at her.
"That eyebrow thing was really creepy, House."
"Yeah?"
He did it again.
"Stop it!"
"You know what else it creepy? We call each other House and Cuddy in bed."
"I am NOT calling you Greg."
"Glad we cleared that up, Cuddy."
"Mmm hmm. Hurry up. Or did I drain you of all your energy?"
"Yeah, right. The love machine doesn't run out of energy."
"How's your leg?"
"Thanks for bringing that up. Two mood killers in bed, me giving Wilson fellatio, and my leg. It's fine, by the way. All the endorphins, plus I took about twenty Advils."
"House!"
"Okay, like ten. Are we going to argue, or are we going to have sex?"
"What do you think?"
"Right now, I'd say it's about fifty-fifty."
She poked him, hard.
"Ow! What was that for?"
"Stop talking and screw me already."
"I love it when you talk like that, Cuddy."
"House!"
"Okay, okay. Preparing for re-entry, in T minus ten… nine… eight… seven…"
"House, I swear if you don't stop fooling around…"
"You'd never cut off my testicles. You need them too much."
"No. But I will tell Wilson that you screamed his name."
"But I didn't."
"That's what you think."
"Now who's wasting time?"
"Fine. I'll just go back to sleep. See you at work, House."
"Cuddy…" He reached over and grabbed her breast.
"House!" she squealed.
"That's more like it. Now what were we doing?"
"Bickering. Ow! Okay, 'love machine', let's get this party started."
"That's what she said."
"House!"