Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures
All for love
Part One
Three days after Voyager's triumphant return to Earth, Kathryn Janeway returned to her beloved ship to collect all of her personal belongings. There wasn't much, just a few photos and souvenirs, as she'd arrived on Voyager with little and had collected little over the years. Necessities only had been her motto. Most crew members had already picked up their belongings and Voyager was now like a ghost ship. Not a soul had Kathryn seen since she'd boarded and Voyager was empty and silent. When she'd packed away all her souvenirs, Kathryn began to put away the photos she had on display in her quarters. The ones of Mark she had long ago recycled and in their frames were other faces. One was of Neelix, one of Kes, and one of Chakotay. Tenderly, Kathryn picked this one up and gazed with moist eyes at her former First Officer. For seven years he had been at her side, for seven years he had been her most trusted friend, but now he was gone from her life. He'd left for Trebus the morning after the homecoming party and he didn't know if or when he'd be back. The thought of not seeing him every day, of not having him around, was devastating, but it was something she was just going to have to get used to. Chakotay had his own life now and she was not a part of it. Neither, from what she could gather, was Seven. From what she'd heard on the grapevine, Seven had ended things with him at the party. Gently, Kathryn touched Chakotay's face, then with a surge of strength she put the picture away.
When Kathryn had finished packing away her things, she said a final goodbye to the quarters that had been her home for seven years, and then left with her belongings. As she passed Chakotay's quarters, she noticed that the doors were open. This was surprising as they'd been shut when she arrived. Baffled, Kathryn stepped into the doorway to see if someone was there. A curator, maybe, or someone from maintenance. Voyager was to be opened to the public in a few weeks as a museum and work was already underway. But it was not a curator or workman that Kathryn saw in Chakotay's quarters, it was Chakotay himself. He was looking out of the window, casually dressed in a loose cream shirt over brown pants, and was leaning on a black walking cane. Kathryn stared at him for a moment, unsettled and confused at this sight, and then called out to him.
"Chakotay?"
At the sound of her voice Chakotay froze, then he slowly turned around. As he did, his face came into view and it looked tired, careworn.
"Hello, Kathryn," he said quietly.
This was not the Chakotay she had said goodbye to three days earlier and Kathryn looked at him in bewilderment. "What's going on?" she asked. "What's happened to you?"
Chakotay was a moment in answering. "I'm not well," he said. "I haven't been for some time. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to worry. You had enough to deal with."
Kathryn put down the box in her hands and walked over to him, tears in her eyes. "What's wrong with you?"
"I'm suffering from an unknown alien virus that causes, amongst other things, respiratory problems and muscular pain. I don't know when or how I caught it but some time during the passed six months. No one else has it and it can't be transmitted from humanoid to humanoid. The doctor suspects I got it from an insect bite, just like we got that virus that stranded us on New Earth, but he doesn't know for sure. He's done everything he can to find a cure but as yet hasn't found one."
"You should have told me."
"Like I said, I didn't want to worry you. I didn't want to worry anyone. I hoped the Doctor would find a cure and everything would go back to how it was."
"I don't doubt that your intentions were good, but you should have told me. You should have told me as your captain and as your friend. You shouldn't have tried to conceal this or to deal with it alone."
"That's my way...just like it's yours."
"I don't understand this," she said, concern for Chakotay starting to manifest in anger now. "You've never shown any signs of being sick. Or have you? Have I been so caught up in my duties that I've been blind to the suffering of those I care most about? You, Tuvok, Seven...how many others have had problems that I've failed to see?"
"I knew nothing about Tuvok's illness either. Or that Seven has been having trouble with her failsafe device. My people have a saying: you can't see what is hidden from you. You've been under tremendous pressure for the passed seven years, Kathryn. You've carried many burdens. If we could spare you some then we would. And you're right, I haven't shown any signs of being sick. I have good days and I have bad days. On good days all I need is medicine to get me through and on bad days, well, I just substituted myself with my hologram. It wasn't difficult. All I needed was a duplicate of the doctor's emitor, which B'Elanna was able to produce, and I downloaded my hologram into it. When I was too sick for duty I got him to play me. B'Elanna didn't know, no one except the doctor did."
Kathryn stared at him wide-eyed. "I can't believe what I'm hearing. How could you even think of doing such a thing? Don't you know it's a serious breach of protocol!"
"Yes. But you know I've never cared for protocol as much as you. If my condition had deteriorated to the point where I was unable to fulfill my duties, or by trying to fulfill my duties I was putting lives at risk, then of course I would have told you, but as things were there was no need. My hologram was more than capable of performing routine daily tasks and anything that needed my personal expertise I was more than capable of handling. My mental abilities are unimpaired by my condition."
Kathryn raised her hand to her brow and tried to find passage through her chaotic thoughts. "I should be angry with you," she said, "I should be furious, but what's done is done and there's no point going over it. What matters now is your well-being." She paused. "What's your prognosis?"
"Unknown. If a cure can't be found, then I may have to battle this illness for the rest of my life. On the other hand, I may make a full recovery without any medical aid at all, just like a person does from influenza and similar viruses. As this virus has never been encountered before, the Doctor can't predict how it will behave."
"I'm sorry," Kathryn said quietly. "How are you coping?"
"Ok. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying not to think of this lasting forever, just for now. The Doctor is confident that a cure can be found, especially now that we're home. If one isn't then I'll just have to hope I recover naturally. I know I was sick for a long time in the Admiral's timeline, but that doesn't mean I was suffering from this virus. It could have been something else entirely. We can't speculate about a future we know little about and won't happen now. I'm seeing a top specialist in alien viruses tomorrow, Dr Kaytala, and I'm hoping she'll be able to help. That's why I haven't gone to Trebus as planned. My appointment wasn't for weeks, as Dr Kaytala is very busy, but a cancellation came up. I probably won't leave for Trebus now until the weekend."
"Where are you staying?"
"In a hotel...Regisville."
"Not anymore. You're staying with me. My house has three bedrooms and I can only sleep in one at a time."
"Are you sure? I don't want to impose."
"Oh Chakotay, you know it wouldn't be an imposition. You're staying and that's final."
Chakotay smiled. "Yes, Ma'am."
Kathryn's home was Lakeside Villa, a beautiful twenty-first century villa overlooking Lake George. She had acquired it three years before Voyager had got stranded, but had never really lived in it. Most of the time she'd lived in space. In many ways, she was glad of that. The house had few memories for her and that made it a perfect place to build a new life. Justin had died long before she had acquired this house and Mark had rarely come here. He'd had his own house, a much bigger house, in Bloomington, and it was there that they'd planned to make a home together. When Voyager was lost, Mark had advised her mother to let this house go, but her mother had not been able to. While she knew there was little hope of her daughter ever returning, she had not been able to let go of that hope entirely. Holding on to the house was a way of holding on to that hope.
On the villa's veranda, Kathryn and Chakotay dined together amongst candles and stars. In the background, soft music played, and beneath them Lake George glistened.
"This really is a beautiful place," Chakotay said. "The holoprogram doesn't do it justice."
"No. As wonderful as holoenviroments are, they're just not a patch on the real thing. They lack the soul that a real place has, lack that living spirit. When I close my eyes now I can smell the water and taste the air."
"We always said that when we got home we'd take a real moonlight sail on Lake George. I think we should."
"Me too. How about tomorrow night? I can book us a boat."
"Sounds great," Chakotay smiled.
Kathryn smiled in return and then topped up her glass of synthesol wine.
"There's something else we said we'd do when we got home," Chakotay said, "and that's take a trip to Trebus. You said you'd like to visit my homeworld and see the places I roamed as a boy. So how about it? How about coming with me?"
Kathryn stilled at those words and then uncomfortably put down the bottle of wine. "I'd love to come," she said quietly. "But isn't there someone else you'd rather take?"
Chakotay frowned. "Like who?"
Kathryn hesitated with her answer. "Like Seven."
"There's only one person I want to take, Kathryn, and that's you. I've never had feelings for Seven, you know that. Whatever happened between me and her, happened only between her and my hologram. I don't know how, because I never programmed him to have romantic feelings for her, but somehow he developed them."
"You married her in the Admiral's timeline. Who's to say you won't in this one?"
"We don't know what happened in the Admiral's timeline. We don't even know for sure if she was from our reality. She could have been from any reality, any timeline. All I can tell you is that in this reality, in this timeline, I'm definitely not in love with Seven of Nine."
"Then it's a good thing we're home, that Seven's ended things. Because she could have been really hurt."
"Seven hasn't ended things because there was nothing to end. I know there's all kinds of rumors flying around about us, but if Seven had an affair with my hologram, then she knew it was with my hologram. But maybe she didn't have an affair with him. Maybe these rumors are born of nothing. Rumors usually are."
"Perhaps. But you know what they say, no smoke without fire. Maybe she's in love with you."
"I doubt it. I don't think Seven really knows what love is. She's still got a long way to go in understanding humanity. To her love is..."
He stopped in mid-sentence as terrible pain gripped him and he clutched his right arm.
Kathryn looked at him in concern. "Chakotay?"
"Just cramp," he said. "I'll be okay."
He looked far from okay as he grimaced and Kathryn got up from her seat.
"It's getting chilly out here. That can't be good for your muscles. Let's finish up inside."
"There's no need. It will pass. I'll be..." He stopped again as pain struck again. This time in his left leg.
"We're going inside," Kathryn said. "I insist." She offered him her arm. "Come on."
Chakotay took her offer of help and they made their way into the living room. When they got there, Chakotay sat down on the couch and lay back against it.
"Is there anything I can get you?" Kathryn asked. "Painkillers or muscle relaxants?"
"Nothing," he said. "Thank you. I'm on a lot of medication as it is and I don't want anymore."
"Then would a massage help?"
He nodded. "That would be nice."
"Then lie down."
Chakotay lay down and Kathryn knelt on the floor beside him. "Where does it hurt most?"
"My right shoulder," he said.
Kathryn gently unbuttoned his shirt and then helped him take it off. As she did, she couldn't help but gaze at his firm golden body. Then she put her hands on his shoulder and began to massage there. Chakotay closed his eyes at her touch and let her fingers work their magic. They did so perfectly and the pain started to recede.
"Better?" Kathryn asked after a while.
"Yes," he said, opening his eyes and looking into hers, "thank you."
Their eyes locked, longing and desire in both, then Chakotay sat up. "Well, I think I'll call it a night. It's been a long day and I'm tired."
"Ok," Kathryn replied sadly. "I'll see you in the morning."
Chakotay nodded and got to his feet. "Goodnight."
Their eyes met again, and then Chakotay turned around and went into his bedroom.
When Kathryn got up the following morning, she found Chakotay in the kitchen preparing a fancy breakfast of fresh coffee, croissants, pancakes, cereals and fruit.
"Oh Chakotay," she said, "you shouldn't have gone to all this trouble."
"It's no trouble," he replied. "The replicator did the hard work."
Kathryn had to laugh at that. "Good old replicator."
Chakotay poured her a cup of coffee and then presented it to her. "Here."
Kathryn took it gratefully. "You sure know how to impress."
"Don't get too excited," he smiled. "It's decaffeinated."
"From you, I wouldn't expect otherwise." She sat down at the table and took a sip of coffee. "How are you feeling today? I take it from all this that you're better."
"I am," he said, picking up a newly replicated plate of buttered toast. "I feel good."
He placed the plate on the table and then sat opposite Kathryn.
"I'm glad," she said. "And I'm glad that you're eating well. A good diet will help boost your immune system." She paused. "Would you like me to come with you to see Dr Kaytala?"
"No," he replied. "But thank you. The Doctor's coming with me. He's hoping to work with Dr Kaytara in finding a cure."
"Then I'll take Phoebe up on her invite to town...town being Bloomington."
"Have fun."
"I wouldn't put fun and Bloomington in the same sentence," she teased, "but I'll do my best."
Chakotay laughed softly. "You love Bloomington really."
"I do," Kathryn smiled. "I confess it. It might not be the most exhilarating place in the world but it's home and there's no where more special than that. Which reminds me. Bloomington was another place we planned on visiting when we got home because you wanted to see my old haunts. Well, as you're taking me with you to Trebus, how about we stop at Bloomington on the way? Or, better still, stay with my mother overnight? That way there'll be plenty of time to see everything and you'll get to see my childhood home."
"I'd love to," he smiled.
Kathryn smiled in return. "Then we'll do it."
Kathryn did sincerely try her best to enjoy her get-together with Phoebe, but her thoughts kept going back to Chakotay and his doctor's appointment. While she had every faith that he'd be ok, that either a cure would be found or he'd recover naturally, she couldn't shake an unsettling feeling of foreboding. After two hours of trying to relax and enjoy her trip, she decided to give up and return home. When she got there, Chakotay was already back and was sitting in the lounge with a packed bag at his feet. There was a painful sorrow in his eyes and as Kathryn looked into them her stomach churned with dread.
"I'm glad you're back," Chakotay said quietly. "I've been waiting."
Kathryn stepped closer and summoned all her strength. "What's with the bag? Where are you going?"
"To Trebus," he said, getting to his feet. "Alone."
Kathryn frowned. "I don't understand."
Tears filled Chakotay's eyes. "I'm dying, Kathryn. How long I've got I don't know. It could be weeks, it could be months, but Dr Kaytala says no more than three years. The virus I have is a sister virus to one she's familiar with and she predicts it will behave in the same way. My symptoms will slowly get worse and worse until all my organs fail. For months she and others have tried to find a cure but haven't been successful." A tear ran down his cheek. "I can't let you watch me die, Kathryn. You've been through enough. This is your new beginning and I don't want it marred by my suffering. I want you to make a new start and be happy. So I'm going to leave for Trebus today and live there for the rest of my life."
Tearfully, Kathryn seized his hands and squeezed them. "You can't," she said. "I won't let you. We'll go there together as planned. Because I won't let you shut me out, Chakotay. I won't let you give up. You're not dead yet and there's every chance you won't be for a long time. Remember what we talked about yesterday...the Admiral's timeline. You were alive in that future and that has to mean you'll be alive in this one too. Don't give up, Chakotay. Fight this. Keep believing there will be a future for you because there has to be."
"I was ill in the Admiral's timeline, Kathryn. I suffered for years. It must have been this virus."
"As you said yourself, we can't speculate about a future we know little about. You were alive in that future. That's all the information we need to know that you'll live in this one. Even if a cure can't be found, your survival in that future has to mean a way is found to control this virus."
"I suppose you're right," Chakotay conceded. "I did survive in that timeline so I must survive now. But I don't want to be a burden to you, Kathryn. I don't want to stay in your life if I'm going to bring you pain."
"To not have you in my life would be the greater pain. You know how I feel about you, Chakotay. You must. But if you don't then let me tell you now. I love you and I'm in love with you. The only pain you've ever brought me is the pain of unconsummated love. I want you in my life, Chakotay. I need you in my life."
Chakotay tearfully drew her close and held her tight. "I need you too, Kathryn. Gods, I need you. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you and I can't bear the thought of my life without you in it. But I have to do what is right by you. I don't want you to see me suffer. I don't want to be a burden."
"You never will be," Kathryn said, holding him in return. "Just love me, Chakotay. Just let me love you. We don't have to deny our feelings anymore. There's nothing stopping us being together. So let's not make obstacles. Let's just embrace this life together. Whatever the future holds, let's face it together. Because I know we have a future, Chakotay. We must."
Chakotay gently drew her away from him and cradled her head in his hands. "If you're sure, Kathryn. If you're absolutely sure it's what you want."
"I am," she said. "More than anything. So don't talk again about leaving or being a burden. Let's start our new future, a future I know we have, right here, right now."
Chakotay nodded. "Right here, right now."
They then wrapped their arms around each other again and held each other tight.
Beneath a glorious pearl moon, Kathryn and Chakotay danced in each others arms on the deck of a luxurious yacht. Kathryn looked stunning in a gown of blue velvet and Chakotay handsome in a white suit. They moved slowly to the music, swaying more than dancing, and gazed into each other's eyes.
"I'm really happy," Kathryn said. "Inspite of everything, I'm really happy."
"Me too," Chakotay replied. "When Dr Kaytara gave my prognosis this afternoon, I thought my world had come to an end, but now I see it's just beginning."
"It truly is. We have a lot to look forward to, many dreams to fulfill. And we will. We'll fulfill them, just like we're fulfilling this one."
"In my dream," Chakotay said, "I danced with you exactly like this."
"Really? In mine too." She stopped swaying and clasped her arms around his neck. "But in my dream we didn't just dance."
Chakotay smiled and rested his arms around her waist. "Nor in mine."
"In my dream we kissed beneath the stars and then made passionate love in the cabin."
"In mine too," he whispered.
Kathryn pressed her body against his, her heart racing. "What do you say, Chakotay? Shall we go all the way?"
"Yes," he smiled. "Let's make our dream come true."
He then lowered his lips to hers and they kissed softly.
Rain showered down on Kathryn and Chakotay as they walked up from the lake to her villa the following morning, but neither of them cared. After seven weatherless years on Voyager, they cherished the downpour, and were so happy in themselves that no amount of rain could damped their spirits. When they reached the front door, Chakotay looked up at the raining sky and smiled. "I feel so alive," he cried. "So alive!"
"Because you are," Kathryn said, wrapping her arms around his neck. "We are."
"Yes," he replied, gathering her against him. "We finally are."
They kissed in the rain, kissed long, then Kathryn drew away.
"I've never really thought of this place as a home," she said, "because it's never really been one. But if you want it to be, it can be ours, Chakotay. It can be our home."
Chakotay smiled. "I'd like that. I'd love it...just not as much as I love you."
Kathryn laughed softly and then they kissed again.
TWO DAYS LATER
Kathryn and Chakotay were just about to leave for their trip when the Doctor arrived at their villa.
"Looks like I'm just in the nick of time," he said when he saw their luggage in the hall. "But that's me, always in the right place at the right time."
"Why are you here?" Kathryn asked as she showed him into the lounge. "Do you have news for Chakotay?"
"I do," he answered. "I won't raise your hopes by saying it's good, Commander, because it isn't, but it isn't bad either."
Kathryn gestured to a couch. "Take a seat, Doctor."
The Doctor sat and Kathryn sat with Chakotay on a couch opposite.
"I really should be discussing this with the Commander alone," the Doctor said. "Doctor/Patient confidentiality."
"It's ok, Doctor," Chakotay said. "Whatever you have to say, I want Kathryn to hear it."
"Very well. As you know from our consultation with Dr Kaytala on Thursday, your condition is serious. Without a cure, you may have only weeks to live. That doesn't give us much time to act."
"What can we do?" Chakotay asked. "If I need a cure to save me, but there isn't one at present, what choice do we have but to wait for one?"
"We have two choices," the Doctor answered. "We can put you into stasis until a cure is found, or we can try something unconventional."
"Like what?" Kathryn asked.
"Assimilation."
Kathryn's eyes widened. "As in hand Chakotay over to the Borg? You can't be serious!"
"That isn't what I mean. Seven still has the ability to assimilate a person but only partially. By that I mean they will be transformed into a drone, but will not be connected to the Hive Mind. I've done test after test and am certain that by transforming Chakotay into a drone, and then transforming him back in to a human, this virus will be destroyed. Of course, Commander, it would mean having to live with a cortical node and multiple implants like Seven does, but at least you'd be alive. How much your personality would change, I can't say. In all likelihood there would be some changes as your brain would be part robotic. But, on the other hand, there might be no changes. It's impossible to judge by Seven's struggles how much you would be affected as she was assimilated as a child. Drones who were assimilated as adults seem to have returned to their pre-assimilated personalities when severed from the Collective."
Without a word, Chakotay got up and wandered over to the window.
"I know it's not a desirable solution," the Doctor went on, "but apart from stasis it's the only solution we presently have."
"I'm not doing it," Chakotay said, gazing out at Lake George. "I'd rather die as myself than live as someone else."
"I understand that," the Doctor replied. "But there's every chance you wouldn't be someone else. You'd be the same person just with Borg implants. Just consider it, Commander. I don't expect an instant decision."
Chakotay turned to him. "Well you're having one. I'm not doing it. And I'm not going into stasis either. It could be fifty years before a cure is found. I won't sleep while those I know and love live and die."
"Commander, you can't..."
"It's my life, Doctor. My choice. If all you can offer is assimilation or stasis then I don't want to hear it!"
"Commander..."
"I mean it! I won't be assimilated and I won't be put into stasis!"
Kathryn put her hand on the Doctor's shoulder. "If that's all the news you have, Doctor, I think you should leave now."
"Very well," he sighed. "I can see where I'm not wanted. But just think about what I've said, Commander. I'm not your enemy here, the virus is."
Chakotay said nothing, just turned back to the window.
"We'll see you when you get back from Trebus," Kathryn said to the Doctor. "Thank you for all you're doing."
"I wish I could do more," he said sadly. "But I promise you I'll do everything I can to find a cure."
"I know you will. And we appreciate all your efforts."
Kathryn showed the Doctor out and then returned to the lounge. Chakotay was still standing by the window, gazing out at the lake. Kathryn slowly went over to him and put her hand on his arm. "There'll be more options, Chakotay. You're not going to die."
Tearfully, Chakotay turned to her. "But I am. Don't you see? I only lived in the Admiral's timeline because I was assimilated."
Kathryn's face paled and she shook her head. "No..."
"Yes. That's how I lived. That's why I married Seven. It all makes sense. I was assimilated and I changed."
Tears filled Kathryn's eyes. "No. That can't be. I don't believe it."
"Then start, because it's the truth."
"No. A cure will be found. It has to be."
"It won't. It wasn't then and it won't be now. My only options then were death, assimilation, or stasis, and I chose assimilation. I chose it so I could fulfill my obligations to you and to our crew. And I know that because I know that's what I'd do if we were still on Voyager. But we're not on Voyager now and I don't have to do something I don't want to do out of obligation. So I won't. As I said, I'd rather die as myself than live as someone else."
Kathryn turned away from him, leant against the back of the couch, and wept painfully.
"There's never going to be a cure, Kathryn," he went on. "I'm going to die. But I don't want you to suffer with me. I want you to be happy. So I'll leave. I'll leave for Trebus by myself."
"No," Kathryn cried, turning back to him tearfully. "We've been through this. Your place is here."
"In life, not in death. I've made up my mind, Kathryn. I'm going back to Trebus and I'm staying there."
"But I love you," she said brokenly. "I love you..."
"I know. And I love you. That's why I have to do this. I can't let you watch me die, Kathryn. I can't. I have to leave. And if you love me, really truly love me, you'll let me go."
"I can't. I won't."
"You must. Because you can't make me stay, Kathryn. And the sooner we say goodbye, the easier it will be for both of us."
Kathryn flung her arms around his neck and held him tight. "No. You can't. Please. There's still hope. You can't give up..."
"There's no hope, Kathryn," he said, holding her in return. "Our lifeline has gone. And with it the future we planned."
Kathryn drew away. "There's still time for a cure to be found. There's still stasis or assimilation. At least consider them..."
"I've made up my mind, Kathryn. There's nothing you can say to change it." Gently, he put a trembling hand to her cheek. "I want you to remember me as I am, as I was. Promise me you will. Promise me that when you think of me, you'll think of me with love and joy. I don't want to be remembered with pain."
"I'm not giving up on you, Chakotay. I'll never give up on you. And I won't let you leave. Whatever the future brings we'll..."
"I'll face it alone," he interrupted. "Please, Kathryn. Let me go."
"I won't. If you leave, then it's without my blessing. I won't desert you."
Tearfully, Chakotay broke away from her. "Then that's how it has to be. Goodbye, Kathryn. Have a good life."
With that, he walked away from her and into the hall. For a long moment, Kathryn stood frozen on the spot, paralyzed, then she rushed after him.
"No, Chakotay....you can't go, you..."
But the hall was empty and his bag was gone. In total despair, Kathryn slid to the floor and wept.
END OF PART ONE