CHAPTER VIII. RACHEL
She could feel his tears on her skin and his arms around her body while he held her. She would have loved to be able to hold him back, to comfort him and tell him that she had forgiven him, that he must forgive himself too and try to be happy, but she couldn't.
She doesn't blame him anymore. Somehow she now understood that he had been as much a victim as she and her father; pushed to act by his commanders, confused by those new feelings he had never experienced before and unable to recognize them until it was too late, feeling guilty for failing to save her and punished by them for not fulfilling his duty. But no matter what they could have done to him, no one could blame him as much as he blames himself. She hopes that this chance to say a last goodbye would have give him the strength to forgive himself, to let go of the sorrow that embraces him….Yes, he was a victim, still is.
Her time is almost gone now; she can feel it. She has been waiting for this moment for so long, holding onto life, knowing that somehow he will get to her and willing herself to be there for when he came. She needed this closure as much as he did and now she could rest finally.
Things should have gone differently, they could have had a future together, built a life for themselves, have a happy ending….But that wasn't their fate and she is glad to at least have had the chance to know him and to have been able to save her father's life, even if that meant giving up her own in exchange.
Her father is suffering too. It was excruciating for him to see her like this: wasting, getting closer to death day-by-day and unable to do a thing. She would like to tell him that she loves him and she is proud of him, that he always will be her dad, no matter what will happen to her. She would like to see him forgive Alec, because they both are closer than they think and both are carrying the same grief. It would be easier for them both to have someone to talk to; but she guesses that was asking too much.
No, she doesn't have any regrets, what would be the point of that anyway? Her life has been short but full. She has loved and has been loved and that was such a rare gift in life that to have any regrets seems so wrong. She is thankful that she has had the chance to feel this love, even if it was just for few weeks. Despite what happened, he gave her the chance to love, and be loved, and this will remain with her forever, no matter where she goes from here. She has been lucky, one of the lucky few. Alec and her father, they will remain here and will be the ones that will carry the pain, not her.
Alec….She knows now that's his name. It's strange to think of him as Alec, but somehow it suits him: Alec, like Alexander the Great, the young conqueror. Anyway, it doesn't matter the name he will go by, he will always be her love.
Because it had been love. She fell for him as soon as he walked into the room, looking so serious and a little shy with those glasses he was wearing, and from that moment she was throwing herself into his arms.
She knew from the beginning he was intelligent and talented, but she found out that he was smart and funny as well, and strangely unaware of his charisma. He wasn't like any other guy she had ever met.
He was so sure of himself, so confident in some respects and, at the same time, so insecure in anything that had to do with feelings, even shy. Now she knows why: he has never been allowed to have any, that time was his first.
At the time she thought she was the naïve one, innocent and vulnerable….But that really was him, not her. She remembers she had felt him trembling in the pool when they first kissed. At the time she was so scared he might reject her that she almost didn't notice it and then dismissed it as she thought it might be because of the water. But it wasn't that, it was because of her and because that situation was more frightening for him than anything he had experienced before.
It must have been so difficult for him…not because he had to pretend to be someone else, but to realize that he was more than just a soldier, that he was a person.
She remembers how desperate he was when he finally realized what he was feeling and tried to save them. She was too upset with him and too afraid for her father to listen to him. She just slapped him and ran, never gave him the chance to explain himself….She didn't want him to have that as the last memory of her. They needed this chance for a last goodbye; and even if she isn't able to tell him she has forgiven him she hopes he could feel it. She wants him to heal and go on with his life, find someone to love and let himself be loved again, he deserves that.
She will be at peace soon and she will always look after them.