Chapter Five
A/N: Hello everyone. Big thanks to those of you that reviewed and added me to your favourites and story alerts – you really encouraged me to update sooner. Sinead O'Conner's 'Nothing Compares 2 U' was the inspiration for this one.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.
The light of dawn hit Yumichika's face letting him know that it was time to get up and get to work. He had gotten less than two hours sleep since Ikkaku had left and he knew that he had bags under his eyes that were only getting worse and more noticeable no matter how much make-up he borrowed from Matsumoto. Great, now he was looking as ugly as he felt inside. He had to get up and get to work. He needed the distraction. As stressful as the situation was with Ikkaku he could put it at the back of his mind when he was swamped with paperwork or out yelling at new recruits. But at night, when he settled down, that's when he would lose himself. That's when he would feel hopeless and lost. But for all the bravado he showed during the day he was a mess at night. And after last night's conversation with Ikkaku he felt like he got hit with his own zanpakutō. This is over. The phrase reverberated in his head all night. He struggled to get off the bed, his body weak and heavy with stress and hurt. He had no idea how long he could keep lying to himself and to others that he was fine. He was definitely not fine as he stumbled to the bathroom weaker than he had ever been in his whole life. But he had to keep up the show that everything was alright. What would everyone say if they saw him struggling to stand because the hurt he was feeling was physically manifesting itself and ravaging his body? No, he couldn't let people talk about how he had let himself go after Ikkaku left him. Never. Four hours later Yumichika was looking like his usual self, just moving a bit slower.
"What's up with you?" Zaraki asked as he saw his Fifth Seat practically staggering to him.
"Me?" Yumichika said in his cheeriest voice, which at the moment sounded closer to a death rattle, "I'm fine Captain. Never felt more beautiful."
Zaraki gave him a raised eyebrow.
"Uh huh. Anyway, you have a training session with the new recruits this morning. You sure you able to make it?"
"Why wouldn't I be? I have never let you down Captain. That would be so ugly."
"Riiight."
"Hey Weirdy-chan!" The high-pitched squeal of the Vice-Captain reverberated through Yumichika's head, but he still put on a bright smile when he saw the little pink-haired blur.
"Oh, you don't look so good, Weirdy-chan." She said and her eyes opened wide with curiosity. Yumichika however, nearly had a heart attack at her words.
"WHAT?! Vice-Captain Yachiru how dare you say such things to me?!"
She pouted her lips at him and Yumichika's indignant rage instantly vanished. He really loved the little mischief-maker and this time he genuinely smiled at her.
"You mustn't be that harsh, Vice-Captain. Words are just as hurtful as your zanpakutō." He gently replied as he stooped down to lift her up, but he was so weak he couldn't even do such a simple task as lifting a child that weighed less than fifty pounds. Panic settled in as he wondered if his Captain saw how that failed attempt. Zaraki seemed to be looking the other way, but Yachiru was about to open her big mouth and sell him out. He quickly shoved some candy in her mouth that he carried around for specifically these moments when he wanted her mouth shut. She smiled at him slyly as she chewed on her candy and Yumichika knew that he would have to stock up on candy for her if he wanted her mouth shut for the rest of the day.
"Every hour ."
"Every half hour." She replied.
"Every hour and a half."
"Every forty-five minutes." She stared at him darkly. He thought it over.
"Fine. Deal. You will get candy from me every forty-five minutes as long as you keep quiet about what happened just now."
"You got yourself a deal, Weirdy-chan."
Then in an uncharacteristic show of consideration, Yachiru hugged him and whispered in his ear "Don't worry Weirdy-chan, I'm sure Pachinko-head will come back and you'll soon feel better and stronger."
Emotions swelled up inside of Yumichika and he felt his body weakening further. It wasn't long before the captain or someone else found out the nature behind his fight with Ikkaku and that would be it for his presence in the Eleventh Division. No more Zaraki. No more Yachiru. No more Ikkaku. These people were more than just Division mates. They were like his family and he felt pretty sure that he was going to soon lose it all.
Yachiru pulled away from him, breaking him out of his thoughts.
"You better get well soon, Weirdy-chan. Or else you'll be in my debt for the rest of your afterlife."
She smiled brightly at him and Yumichika couldn't help but say what he said next,
"How come you have such great teeth after you eat all those sweets?"
"I keep 'em sharp by chewing on Pachinko-head." She giggled uncontrollably at her own joke while Yumichika smiled bitter-sweetly.
"Would you stop bothering him, Yachiru! He has to get to training those sorry sack of wimps."
"Aww, Kenny you ruin everything!"
Yumichika walked into the dojo to see the pathetic set of new recruits. He was most disappointed to see that they were lounging around casually talking and laughing as they no doubt had no idea that he had even entered the room. Usually, Yumichika would have scared them senseless as they would wonder whose massive reiatsu was coming their way. But today, he was so weak he stood at the door and no one even nodded in his direction.
"Are you ugly excuses for Eleventh Division recruits planning on ignoring your commanding officer much longer?" Yumichika asked with a deep edge in his voice.
Everyone hurried to their positions as they lined up in front of him and bowed deeply.
"We are truly sorry, Fifth Seat Ayasegawa-san. Please forgive us." They muttered in unison as if planning the apology.
Yumichika rolled his eyes at them. He really had no patience for this today.
"Now, I know that you must have entered the Eleventh Division because you all carry the same bloodthirsty love of fighting." Yumichika started off in a bored and slightly fatigued tone.
The recruits nodded eagerly amongst each other.
"But let me tell you that fighting has a lot to do with control. You must always control your emotions and think logically." Yumichika laughed inwardly at the hypocrisy of his statement. He sure as hell didn't show a lot of control last night when he spoke to Ikkaku. "I know the concept of thinking is quite foreign to most of you and all you know is how to clunk people over the head caveman style."
The recruits stared at him as if they were listening two words behinds. Finally they nodded their heads in understanding. Yumichika scoffed.
"If you are not the brightest star in the sky, and that is totally understandable because I am the brightest star in the sky," He flicked his hair for added measure and ignored the sweatdropped looks of the recruits, "I suggest that you partner up with someone. In other words a Brains and Brawns team to dumb it down for you."
"Ohh, that's how you and Third Seat Ikkaku-san work right?" A rather brave young officer voiced.
Yumichika's eyes darkened and he felt his body experience a sinking feeling.
"Don't mention the Third Seat's name, please. He is not here; he has no business here at the moment. I cannot see why his name should be referenced. Got it?"
The new recruits all stared silently as they tried to figure out what was going on. It was well known, even in the Academy, that Yumichika Ayasegawa and Ikkaku Madarame were close.
Yumichika tried his best to ignore the looks of confusion of their faces. He didn't want to hear the name Ikkaku. He didn't want to hear the word 'promise' either. And he especially did not want hear the now ugliest phrase in the world – 'this is over'. He had to get these thoughts out of his mind. He tried to explain to them that when partnering each must compensate for the other's weaknesses and play on each other's strengths. But his voice was sounding distant. Memories of Ikkaku were pulling him down. Every spar they ever had, every kiss they ever shared, every touch he felt from Ikkaku, very conversation they ever had, every fight they ever got into suddenly converged on him. A dark hopeless sensation filled him. He dimly heard them inquire after him.
"Fifth Seat Ayasegawa-san, are you alright?"
"I'm fine. I just need to –" But he never finished his sentence as he felt his body floating to the ground.
*
Yumichika opened his eyes to see the calming eyes of the Captain of the Fourth Division, Unohana Retsu, staring down at him. At first disoriented, he was surprised to see her as he was still thinking that he was in the Dojo and was about to ask her what she was doing in the Eleventh Division. But then it dawned on him. He was lying in a cot in the Fourth Division. How unbeautiful, he sighed, he had fainted in front of his new recruits. Now they thought he was weak. What an ugly misconception.
"Fifth Seat Ayasegawa-san, I've tried to elevate your reiatsu but it seems you have a mental block to the process. You are carrying a lot of stress and it is seriously affecting your health. If you do not remedy the situation I'm afraid I won't be able to remedy you." Unohana said. She smiled benevolently and walked out of the room leaving Yumichika feeling possibly worse than how he started out this morning. Maybe he should apologize to Ikkaku if only for his health.
Yumichika sighed. This situation had gotten impossibly out of control. He had lost the one person whom he cared about more than himself. And if he didn't get him back his health would continue to deteriorate. And if his health didn't improve he would lose his position in the Division. He was so frustrated he wanted to hold his head in his hands and bawl, but unfortunately he was too weak to even lift his hands to his face.
"So, I heard that you're sick."
Yumichika looked up to see Hisagi standing in the doorway, leaning casually as if he were posing for a centre spread in 'Seretei Communications'. Well he simply did not have the best profile face, Yumichika thought cynically. Hisagi always managed to bring out the worst in him.
"I am not sick." Yumichika responded in his haughtiest voice possible.
"Oh yes, that's right. You're lovesick." He said with a smirk as he moved in closer to stand at the foot of Yumichika's cot.
"Please don't let anyone hear you spouting such foolish, ugly lies."
"But that's the rumour all over the Eleventh Division. They say that you're nursing heartbreak because Ikkaku left you."
Yumichika nearly turned as white as the sheets that he lay on. People were talking. He was going to kill those new recruits as soon as he got out of here! Suddenly Hisagi's ear-splitting laugh brought him back to reality.
"You should see your face." Hisagi howled, "I guess the rumours are true."
Yumichika tried his best to calm himself, but it was so difficult. His head was beginning to spin again.
"Contraty to what you may have heard, Ikkaku did not leave me. He is simply on a mission in the Living World. And even if he did leave me, I can exist without him!"
That little spirited speech had taken a lot out of him and by now the room was slowly swimming before him. Oh how he wished he could believe any of those words he had just said.
"Hmmph. Look at you," Hisagi said in a much more serious tone, "you're letting yourself get sick over this situation."
By this time Yumichika was feeling too exhausted to even speak, so Hisagi took the opportunity to continue.
"I've always known you to be proud. You were too proud to lose to me, so you showed me the true form of your zanpakutō. You're too proud to admit that you're sick and heartbroken to the point that your reiatsu is dangerously low and now you've landed yourself in the hospital. But from what little I do know of you I suppose that is to be expected. What I didn't expect was that you'd be too proud to admit that you were wrong to lie to the one person that would put up with your self-absorbed ways."
Yumichika's eyes nearly fell out of their sockets. How dare Hisagi lecture him?! He felt nauseous and weak as the room was whirling around him.
"Yeah I know, you're probably feeling like shit right now or as you would put it – 'like the ugliest person in the world'. But don't blame me for your problems. You can only blame yourself. "
Actually, Yumichika had no problem laying blame onto Hisagi. If that idiot had kept his big mouth shut about Ruri'iro Kujaku, Ikkaku would not have known anything and he would not have been lying in the Fourth Division feeling like he got beat up by Old Man Yamamoto.
"Look at you; you're going to die alone in a hospital bed simply because you were too proud to admit that you were wrong." Hisagi continued, "You could be with the one person you really care about more than yourself, but instead you're here with me."
And believe me that is not a joy, Yumichika thought, as he struggled not to pass out.
"If Ikkaku knew what was happening to you right now, I'm sure he would be rushing to get Captain Unohana to come save you. But would he still do that now that you have refused to put your false pride aside and apologize? No, I don't think so. You hear any footsteps running down the hall to come save you? I don't hear anything. You know why? Because you pushed away the one person that would have done anything for you, you selfish bastard."
Hisagi really needed to learn more about proper deathbed conversation, Yumichika thought cynically. He wanted to scream. Of course he knew Hisagi was right. This situation was his entire fault. He was going to lose everything. His chest was tightening and he struggled to breathe. He could feel his breath coming out in ragged rasps and the tears trickled down his cheeks. He wanted so badly to tell Ikkaku that he was sorry. Never in his entire afterlife of over two hundred years had he ever felt such wracking regret.
"But don't get me wrong. I understand what it's like to feel so out of place in such a fundamental way. You must feel like your zanpakutō betrayed you. I feel like that too. I understand the disappointment you must feel. I like you Yumichika. I really do."
Well he sure had a funny way of showing it, Yumichika thought. Hisagi's voice was starting to sound distant (not that Yumichika was complaining about that), but it meant that he was getting closer to death's door. He really was going to die alone, without Ikkaku. An overwhelming sense of loss and melancholy swelled inside him. He was so afraid, though not of death – he'd been there and done that. No, he was afraid that Ikkaku would remain to think him selfish and too proud to admit that he was wrong. He would have done anything to let Ikkaku know how sorry he really was.
"I think that under different circumstances we could have been friends." Hisagi continued, "That's probably why I'm doing this. I want you to see that you're throwing away something very important. I believe that you should always be honest to yourself and the people that you love. Surprisingly I learnt that from someone that spent years lying to me and the rest of Soul Society. Anyway, what I'm trying to say if that you really shouldn't let your pride get in the way."
And with that he left Yumichika whose eyes were closing down. His body had been having slight seizures during Hisagi's long-winded speech, but now there was only calmness. He could see Yumichika struggling to speak, so Hisagi paused at the door knowing that the Fifth Seat could still hear him, if only barely.
"By the way, I was not the one who told Ikkaku about your zanpakutō. I might have set some things in motion and that's why I believe that it's only fair that I convince you to put aside your pride and apologize, like I am doing now. I am sorry Yumichika. I had no idea that a simple slip of the tongue could have caused so much trouble."
With that he stepped outside leaving Yumichika feeling a new sensation. He felt like he was slowly falling. So that was Hisagi's weird and sadistic way of telling him he had too much pride. A cruel, unusual, but effective lesson, Yumichika thought as he continued to feel that falling sensation. But that was a thought that was spared only for a moment. All he could really think about was Ikkaku.