A/N: Hello everyone, thank you so very much for reviewing and adding me to your faves and alerts. It really means a lot to me and it is giving me inspiration to continue forward.
I hope that you enjoy it.
This time around the actual physical experience of dying wasn't so bad, Yumichika thought. Though he didn't remember much from his first death, he remembered enough to know that it was physically excruciating. But this time all he felt was a surreal experience of falling. It wasn't really a pleasant sensation, but it wasn't all bad either. To be fair, the worst part was the wretchedness of his mind. All he could think about was Ikkaku. As a matter of fact a particular memory kept on plaguing him.
Stacks of magazines lay on the floor of the Fourth Division where Yumichika had recently taken up temporary residence next to Ikkaku's cot. In an effort to distract himself from Ikkaku's grave situation Yumichika had developed a new obsession – magazines from the Living World. He took great pleasure in critiquing the models, the fashion and the advice articles. '50 ways to please your man in bed'; Yumichika scoffed – there were only six ways. 'Why grey is the new orange'; tsk, tsk, he muttered, grey could never replace orange in autumn. These Living World magazines were so entertaining, but most of all they were distracting. He tried his best not to think of the fact that it had been two weeks since Ikkaku had fallen into a coma. If he allowed himself to fully accept the fact that he could lose Ikkaku he might go crazy, and the members of the Fourth Division already thought him insufferable enough. He had demanded that someone check Ikkaku's vitals every hour, but soon complained that they were not thorough enough and so he took over the job. He didn't like the idea that Ikkaku was sharing a room with other potentially-contagious disease-infected individuals, so he complained and quarrelled until the Fourth Division finally gave in and gave Ikkaku a room all to himself. He thought that the healers were incompetent in wrapping Ikkaku's wounds so he took over the job himself. The more he thought about the incompetence that Ikkaku had to suffer through, the more agitated he became and soon he was practically ripping pages from the magazines.
"Let me guess, the Fourth Division is completely incompetent."
Yumichika nearly jumped from surprise and shock at the weak, raspy voice.
"Ikkaku!"
Hours later Yumichika was sitting next to Ikkaku as he slowly ate his soup, feeling satisfied that Captain Unohana had successfully and capably attended to Ikkaku. He wasn't convinced that Ikkaku was strong enough to feed himself, but the idea of feeding Ikkaku in public was never an option. With the exception of the one time in the 5th District, Ikkaku was a strict no public display of affection believer. Yumichika assumed that it was this attitude that led everyone to doubt that the two were actually in a relationship. Despite the generally don't ask-don't tell stance of the Seretei that had managed to keep persons guessing as to the true nature of their relationship, all suspicions were confirmed after Yumichika's behaviour during the last three weeks. Yumichika decided to take in front and let Ikkaku know about his behaviour before he heard the distorted rumours from someone else.
"I was very worried about you Ikkaku," He started off slowly.
"Che. Why? You know I can't go down so easily."
"Of course." Yumichika answered offhandedly as he flipped furiously through the magazines.
Ikkaku stopped eating his soup and placed it on the bedside table.
"Something bothering ya?" Ikkaku asked seriously.
Yumichika continued to flip through the pages, his mind seeing nothing as he wondered how to brace the topic, but it was Ikkaku that broke the silence.
"At one point in time during the fight I wasn't able to feel your reiatsu."
Yumichika looked up at Ikkaku who was looking the other way, through the window. He knew Ikkaku well enough to know that that was the gruff man's way of saying that he was worried about Yumichika. This vague show of his feelings was obviously uncomfortable for Ikkaku, so Yumichika decided to lighten the mood by telling him of his battle with Charlotte Cuulhorne. By the time Yumichika reached the part about Charlotte's Resurrection Ikkaku was laughing with tears coming out of his eyes.
"Are you telling me that you got your ass handed to you by a cross-dressing Arrancar in high-heels?" Ikkaku asked between huffs of breath. He was laughing so hard he forgot to breathe.
Yumichika huffed and rolled his eyes, clearly regretting his decision about giving Ikkaku this story.
"Only initially!" Yumichika screamed in defence, which only served to humour Ikkaku further, "I defeated that ugly excuse for an opponent."
"So, how did you finally beat him?" Ikkaku asked as he wiped away the tears from his eyes.
It was Yumichika's turn to avert his face and look out the window.
"You know, sliced him into four neat, little sections when he left himself open." He muttered offhandedly and waited for Ikkaku to say something, but got no response. It was the same after he told Ikkaku about his defeat of Hisagi. He wondered if Ikkaku doubted him. It was in his mind, right? Finally, after a few moments, Ikkaku spoke up, his face also averted.
"I'm very proud of you. You did better than me. I was real worried about ya. I had a lot of things on my mind during that fight. Yeah I know, that isn't really like me. But you were on my mind. I wasn't sensing your reiatsu after a while. I was real worried about ya. And then I made some bad calls on my part. I didn't want to release my bankai. Iba let me know that I was being selfish. Said that my pride would get me killed. Said some things that really had me thinking."
Yumichika said nothing since he knew all about pride getting in the way. He was willing to die at the hands of Charlotte Cuulhorne because he did not want Ikkaku to know about the true form of his zanpakuto. A silence erupted between them as the two men got lost in their musings. It was eventually broken by Ikkaku.
"Whaddya think? Think I was being selfish?"
Yumichika was quiet for a while as he struggled not to say that they were both being selfish. He was being selfish right now by not letting Ikkaku know his secret, but he wasn't ready to divulge that secret. So instead, he opted for (indignant?) rage.
"How do they say in the Living World? Umm, duh! You would have died and where would I be?"
Ikkaku turned on him feeling miffed.
"Che. This isn't about you!"
"It's always about me." Yumichika stated as if a matter of fact and flicked his hair for emphasis, "You should know that by now. You would have died and I would have been all by myself. Who would keep me company then?"
Ikkaku struggled to keep his smile under wraps. He knew this was Yumichika's weird way of saying that he was worried that he almost lost him.
"You could be with Izuru," Ikkaku teased as his lips curved into a sly smile as he saw Yumichika's face turn white, "When I was out I still heard the healers talking about how he restrained you. I think he just wanted to have you all to himself."
Yumichika looked murderous. Well at least now he didn't have to tell Ikkaku about his embarrassing behaviour.
"You're lucky that you're in bandages or I would beat you senseless for suggesting something so ugly."
Ikkaku howled with laughter.
"Oh come on, don't tell me that you would have missed me, when you could have Izuru to take my place." Ikkaku teased, his maniacal grin plastered on.
"Right now, the prospect of me missing you seems grim." Yumichika scowled and shuddered at the thought of Izuru snuggling up to him, but Ikkaku only laughed at Yumi's biting sarcasm. After a while however, Ikkaku seemed to realize that Yumichika was genuinely miffed about the joke, so he pulled Yumichika from his seat on the chair to come sit beside him on the bed as he hugged him.
Yumichika grew instantly flustered.
"What are you doing? Anybody could walk in." Yumichika's eyes were darting furiously from the door to Ikkaku, mainly because he was wondering if Ikkaku suffered some sort of lingering head trauma for him to be so openly affectionate.
"It was nice of ya to wait for me to wake up." Ikkaku whispered.
"Why wouldn't I? Suppose you died? I wouldn't want you to go through that alone. I know I wouldn't."
Ikkaku thought about what he said, but his thoughts were broken by Yumi.
"You know sometimes, just sometimes, I wish we had a different life."
"Really? What kinda life?" Ikkaku asked, genuinely interested.
"A simple life. Now, don't get me wrong I love my life as it is now. It's beautiful. It's absolutely beautiful. Everyday I get to live a life where I witness the beauty of fighting and of death. There's something stunning and captivating about someone giving their all to fight for their life, their pride, their...whatever they are fighting for. But sometimes, I want a simple life, where death is not something..." he struggled for the words, "...prominent."
"I thought you were not afraid of death,"
"I'm not afraid of my death."He said as he pierced Ikkaku with his eyes. Usually such a passionate look caused Ikkaku to feel uncomfortable; too many emotions in one look. But this time he held Yumichika's gaze. He understood the meaning behind Yumichika's words. He was afraid of losing him. "I'm afraid of dying alone."Yumichika stated matter-of-factly.
Ikkaku said nothing for a while and neither did Yumichika. Despite his inane ability to drive Ikkaku crazy sometimes by mentioning the word 'beautiful' one too many times, Yumichika always knew when silence was needed. The silence stretched for so long that when Ikkaku finally spoke, it took Yumichika a couple of seconds to figure out what he was referring to.
"I guess that's my fear too."
Yumichika stared at him. "Huh?"
"Dying alone."
"What?"
"What? You get amnesia during that space of time? Ya brain fall asleep? I'm talking about dying alone! It's my fear too, ya fool."
Yumichika blinked a few times.
"Ohhh, right."
Ikkaku rolled his eyes. "You really know how to ruin a moment." He muttered.
"Sorry, but my mind wandered off to more beautiful topics; like myself." Yumichika replied, his eyes dreamy with thoughts of himself.
"Yeah, ya know what? Dying alone doesn't seem so bad now." Ikkaku growled at him, but Yumichika just laughed.
"You really irritate me sometimes." Ikkaku grumbled.
"Likewise. How about we irritate each other up to our last moments? That way, we might not feel so bad about leaving each other behind."
Ikkaku smirked and hugged Yumichika tighter.
"Deal. Now go lock the door."
Yumichika gave him a raised eyebrow.
"I don't want anyone to see what I do to you when you irritate me." He said slyly.
Of all the memories that would invade his mind at this time, why that one, Yumichika thought as a strange tingling sensation enveloped him. It was like something hot was entering his body that before now he hadn't even realized was cold. He tried to open his eyes, but they were so heavy, like iron curtains. Why bother to fight it, he thought. He was going to die alone; he might as well succumb to the feeling. But that wasn't really his choice. His mind wanted to yell for help, for Ikkaku. But his body was already giving up.
*
He was alive. He knew because he could feel. He could feel the bed sheets under him and he could smell the faint scent of Captain Unohana's perfume that lingered in the air wherever she went. But most of all, he could feel reiatsu and there was someone else in the room with him. What a disappointment though, it was not the reiatsu that he was hoping to find. Instead, Yumichika struggled to open his eyes to confirm that he really was sensing the reiatsu of Lieutenant Izuru Kira.
"You're not what I would call a sight for sore eyes, Lieutenant." Yumichika spoke rather breathlessly. It was still so hard to breathe.
The generally dejected face of Lieutenant Kira looked a bit happier to see Yumichika, as he clearly ignored Yumichika's first choice of words.
"Fifth Seat Ayasegawa-san, it's good that you've finally woken. You've been out for hours. Everyone was worried about you."
"Everyone except that heartless brute, Hisagi." Yumichika scowled as he struggled to sit up. Immediately Kira rushed to his side to help him, but his hands were knocked aside by Yumichika.
"Why would you say that?" Kira continued, ignoring Yumichika's slap. He seemed to have immense skill in patience. "Hisagi-san was the one that alerted Captain Unohana to your condition."
"Really?" Yumichika paused. It seemed that Hisagi really wanted to give him a second chance with Ikkaku after all. Why, was a question that was beyond him at the moment. A silence lapsed between the two men. It was so uncomfortable and ugly, thought Yumichika. It felt like it was filling up the entire room and Yumichika wanted none of the ugly, poisonous silence to suffocate him, so he spoke up.
"Why are you here?"
"I came to see how you were doing." Izuru answered immediately as if expecting the question.
"I can't see why you would care."
"I do care about what happens to my fellow Shinigami. I know that you've had a hard time in the last two weeks. It must be hard waking up to find that you almost died."
"I've had worst experiences," Yumichika said in a casual tone, but his mind finished his sentence, 'But none so unbeautiful as this.'
"I know that you really care about Ikkaku-san, I can see that now."
"Don't listen to the ugly rumours, Izuru-san; I am not sick because of Ikkaku."
"I never said that you were."
"Hmm."
"But the rumours say that the two of you had a huge fight and that he left you and that's why you're sick. If that were true, I could only imagine how you must feel. It must be very difficult to have to deal with a break-up, then get sick because of said break-up and the person that is the cause of your strife does not even care to show up. That must be very difficult indeed. There're also rumours that without Ikkaku you're too weak to be on your own and that the Eleventh Division might transfer you to another squad, since they have no room or tolerance for weaklings."
Yumichika's countenance paled. People were talking.
"They're saying that Ikkaku-san is to blame for your predicament, since it all started when he left you. And he doesn't seem to care. He hasn't even returned to Soul Society to see whether you're alright or not, and he must have heard by now. His companion of so long is dying alone in the Fourth Division and he's nowhere to be found. That must be very difficult indeed, to have to deal with all those rumours."
Yumichika did not respond to Izuru because his mind was busy in overload. People were talking. They were saying that he was weak. They were saying that he was lovesick. They were saying that this was all Ikkaku's fault. And by Kami, they were right. He and Ikkaku could have quietly worked things out like they usually did; like they were supposed to since they were partners for life. But no. Ikkaku ran like the wind, leaving Yumichika here to fight up with rumours, bad health and a broken promise. Yumichika thought to himself, that he was definitely not going to apologize now. As a matter of fact, if he ever saw Ikkaku again, he'll kill him.
"Ayasegawa-san? Yumichika?" Izuru called, but got no answer. Yumichika had lapsed into a contemplative spell that unfortunately left him with a hideous scowl on his face, but Izuru thought it wise not to inform the beauty-conscious man of something that might quite likely throw him over the edge. He decided to take his leave now. Besides, he was feeling a familiar reiatsu coming this way and he had no intention of being caught up in the storm. He was merely going to pick up the broken pieces.
Izuru left and five minutes later another person was standing at Yumichika's door. Yumichika did not even bother to look up. He was feeling better enough to sense reiatsu, especially the all too familiar reiatsu of Ikkaku.