A/N: hello everyone, thanks for all the reviews! They really helped me out and encouraged me to go on since this chapter proved really difficult to write. I hope you like it. Fiona Apple's 'Sleep to Dream' heavily influenced this one.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.
Ikkaku wasn't really sure of the exact emotions he was feeling at the moment. He knew that anger and regret was there, but the rest of the emotions were too muddled for a simple man as himself to correctly single out and identify. He was not as eloquent or expressive as Yumichika and so at the moment he would simply describe himself as feeling hurt. And sitting in the empty room that he shared with Yumichika was not helping the situation either, no matter how much sake he drank, and he drank a lot. Five bottles littered the normally neat and immaculate room, but he needed something to deaden the pain inside him. He wanted to erase all memories of Yumichika; let his mind be eternally spotless and his heart love-free. He supposed sitting in the room that he shared with the man in question was not going to help the situation, but he also supposed that he was being masochistic. He might as well be hurtful to himself, after all he had just spent the last half hour saying the most hurtful things to someone that he claimed he loved and no amount of sake was taking away those memories.
*
"What's the matter with you? I left you fine and when I come back you're in the Fourth Division, eh weakling?" Ikkaku had decided to start off casual, you know, keep things light. But judging from the murderous look that he got from Yumichika he realized instantly that what he said was a mistake. Yumichika was in no mood for joking. Ikkaku knew the look well, so he braced himself for a battle as he quietly closed the door behind him and he inched closer to Yumichika's cot.
Yumichika slowly turned to look at him, piercing him with his stunning lavender eyes. Ikkaku hated when he did that. He always felt scrutinized and sometimes even paralysed by the emotions behind the look. Usually he saw a lot of love behind those lavender eyes, but today he saw something a lot deadlier. Yumichika spoke in a slow, controlled voice, his tone haughtier than ever.
"You want to know what happened to me? Apparently, according to Captain Unohana, I've been suffering due to the situation between us. It's caused a lot of stress for me and it has affected my reiatsu. It's been happening since you left me." He spat out the last few words like they burnt his mouth. Ikkaku opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted, "I don't know what you've been dealing with in your safe haven in the real world, but as for me, Ikkaku, I've been in my own personal hell!"
"You make it sound like I was just living it up on vacation in the Living World! It was a living hell for me too!" Ikkaku growled. He hated what Yumichika was insinuating. He did care.
"Well you can go back there for all I care," Yumichika stated rather calmly as he averted his eyes to the window.
Ikkaku looked at Yumichika in utter disbelief. But really he should not be surprised. No matter the situation, Yumichika was an expert twisting it around until the other party seemed at fault. Every argument they ever had usually ended up with Ikkaku apologizing for things that were not necessarily his fault. But he was not going to stand for it this time.
"Nice try, but don't try to make this sound like it's my fault. You're just running away from your responsibility."
"I was not the one that ran, coward."
Ikkaku's face blanched. What did Yumichika just call him?
"You could never be speaking to me." Ikkaku said in a low, grumble.
Yumichika scoffed as he smiled a devious little smile that put Ikkaku ill at ease.
"Hmmph. First you run me down to be with me, and then you run like the wind to get away from me."
"I have never chased after you."
Yumichika completely ignored him and continued.
"You chase after me. You beg for me. Whose name do you moan? Mine. And now you run away from me."
Ikkaku blushed furiously from shame and anger that Yumichika would dare hit him such a low, personal blow. A fiery anger erupted inside him, but he still tried to keep his voice calm and collected.
"I'm no coward, Yumichika. I face my battles head-on. We of the Eleventh Division are no cowards. We're direct and straightforward. We don't beat around the bush. Or in your case, the vines."
Yumichika's face contorted into a scowl. Ikkaku couldn't help himself, though as soon as he said what he said next, he wished that he hadn't.
"Don't do your face like that. It looks ugly. And you better keep that pretty face if you want me to keep on moaning your name."
Ikkaku ducked just in time to avoid getting smashed in the head with the vase on the bedside table.
"I have never been so insulted in all my life," Yumichika hissed, "You make it sound like I'm easily replaced. But let me tell you that you can't do better than this. Because this," He gestured to himself, "is the best you'll ever have."
Ikkaku didn't bother to counter, mainly because he knew that Yumichika was right, but also because he really hadn't meant to hit the man with such a serious insult and slight guilt was settling into him. He might as well have spit in Yumi's face. This argument was getting out of control and he had to rein it in fast.
"Yumichika, I came here to talk –" Yumichika cut him off again.
"Oh so now you want to talk"
"Che. Would you stop acting like the world crumbled within the last two weeks!" Ikkaku shouted as his patience thinned.
"It did" He screeched! "While you were out cutting down Hollows, I was left with my, together with your, paperwork and duties. On top of that I was left wondering if you were going to come back to me. I had rumours to deal with. People were talking, Ikkaku! I got sick because of you! I nearly died! Look at me; I'm lying here in the bloody Fourth Division where I have to deal with fools like Kira and Hisagi! And you know what's the worst part? I have bags under my eyes! Bags, Ikkaku! Bags! I look like a bloody zombie because of you!"
Ikkaku sweatdropped. It never ceased to amaze him how Yumichika managed to bring his looks into any argument.
"Can't you get your zanpakutō to fix it for you?" Ikkaku casually asked. Yumichika was beginning to really irk him. Yumichika didn't bother to respond, but instead just averted his gaze to the window, "Yeah, ya think I forgot? I know what ya doin'. Ya trying to go off topic. This is how you usually win all of our arguments. You carry on about everything besides the issue at hand, until stupid me forgets what we were even arguing for in the first place. But that's not gonna work this time, Yumichika. I can't forget something like this. You lied to me."
Yumichika didn't miss a beat with his response.
"And you broke your promise."
Ikkaku's eyes widened at the comment. As much he chastised Yumichika about his bad habits, he was employing the same beat-around-the-bush tactic, secretly hoping that Yumichika would not notice that Ikkaku had promised that he would never leave his side. Fuck! He should have known that he was dealing with a professional at mind fuck games.
"Yeah, but you lied to me!"
"Are you trying to say that what I did was worse? Because if that's the case I should remind you that you lied to me too. 'I'll never desert you'. 'Nothing you confess can make me love you less'. Remember those words? Well I do."
A slight tic had developed in Ikkaku's right eye and he was quite possibly about to have an aneurysm judging by the raised veins in his head. It was not that he did not care about the promise he made to the man, but he knew Yumichika was simply being too proud and selfish to apologize for the lies that he told. Yumichika was trying his patience. He tried his best to maintain a calm voice, but it came out like a growl.
"Yumichika, I know what you're trying to do. I know you too well. Yer trying to make me feel guilty, then next thing I know I'm apologizing to ya after I forget what we were arguin' for in the first place. It's not going to work this time. The real issue here is that you've been lying to me for years."
"Why are you ignoring the fact that you broke a promise to me?"
"Fuck the promise!" Ikkaku screamed. His patience had finally snapped, but the look of absolute hurt in Yumichika's eyes filled him with a harrowing regret. But he didn't get a chance to express his regret because Yumichika cut him off.
In a frighteningly calm voice, Yumichika said,
"I tell you how I feel, but you don't care. You want to talk about me hiding the true nature of my zanpakutō? Fine. You want to talk about how I am able to rise to a position where I am just as good as you on only a half-released shikai? No problem. You want to talk about how the real issue here is that you're just scared that I'm stronger than you? Sure we can talk about that."
Sometimes, when someone experiences such unfathomable rage, a blind fury enters their brain and focuses their thoughts on one thing only and that is, to hurt in the most cruel way possible. Ikkaku had reached that point where all he wanted was for Yumichika to suffer. He had lost his temper together with any hopes of reasoning as he shouted in rage.
"I'm scared that you're stronger than me?! Che. Yer the one that's fainting 'cause ya too weak to be without me. I'm the one that saved your skinny ass so many times in the Rukongai and now ya telling me that you're stronger than me, eh person lying in the Fourth Division! Who protected ya pansy ass from those fucking perverts that wanted ya body? And now you tryin' to tell me that I'm jealous that you're stronger than me? Yeah, fuck my promise to you. I don't know why I would ever wanna be by the side of such an ungrateful, ugly, weakling."
Yumichika's zanpakutō came crashing down, but Ikkaku blocked the blow with his own zanpakutō, only momentarily surprised that someone as sick as Yumichika could move so briskly.
"I am not ugly." Yumichika edged out.
Ikkaku looked at how Yumichika laboured under the simple task of holding up his zanpakutō and the sight only infuriated him more. Yumichika had attacked his pride. How dare he say that I'm jealous that he was stronger than me, Ikkaku raged in his mind. Ikkaku easily pushed away Yumichika. He watched as Yumichika struggled to breathe; his body so weak he could not even hold up his zanpakutō, which he had let fall from his hands and onto the ground. The rage inside of Ikkaku left him with no pity for his lover.
"Che. Look at ya. You can't even hold up your kido-based," he spat out the word like it was bitter on his tongue, "zanpakutō. And you want to tell me that you're stronger than me? Ha. Ya weakling."
"I'm weak because of you." Yumichika rasped. He was relapsing again. His body could not handle the strain of all that stress twice in one day and it suffered slight convulsions. Ikkaku's rage momentarily ebbed as he rushed forward to Yumi's side. But Yumichika viciously slapped away his hand. The fury returned and Ikkaku forced himself not to look at Yumichika anymore as he stormed out of the room ignoring the crowd of people that had gathered at the door to listen. If he had, he might have seen Yumichika struggling to get out the words, "I'm sorry."
*
The memory left a bitter taste in his mouth, even bitterer than the sake. Did regret have a taste? He wasn't sure but he knew that his senses were being assaulted by memories. The room smelt of Yumichika. It was slightly melancholy, arousing, yet calming at the same time, if that was even possible. He leaned on the futon and felt the soft, smooth silk sheets that he had scoured the Rukongai for, just for Yumichika's comfort. His eyes scanned over the scrolls of calligraphy done by Yumichika that hung gracefully on the walls of the room. Ikkaku tried not to let his mind wander to the afternoons that Yumichika had tried to teach him calligraphy; a futile effort since they always ended up making love instead. It was definitely over now. There was no way that he could possibly go back to Yumichika after all the things that he said to him. He wondered how it was going to be after this. Yumichika did not forgive easily. He still hadn't forgiven Izuru for restraining him during the battle with Aizen and that was over a year ago! Plus, it was not as insulting as all the things that Ikkaku had just said to him. But words were like feathers left at the doorstep - impossible to get back. Speaking of doorstep, a faint knock came at the door, but Ikkaku already knew that it was Izuru.
Izuru stepped in and sat on one of the beautiful tatami mats. He was unable to hide his appreciation of the quality of the mat that was edged in fine silk. Ikkaku noticed his awe and scoffed.
"Yumichika likes nice things. He doesn't ask for it, but I like to see him happy, so I spend most of my money on gifts for him. That mat was a gift. It's probably a good thing. I'd probably spend most of my money on sake and bandages."
"And what about him? Does he spend most of his money on you?"
"He knows that I'm not a materialistic person."
"Oh." Was all the Lieutenant could say, but Ikkaku read that his statement meant that he didn't believe that was the reason.
"I know what you're thinking. You think Yumichika is selfish and spoilt., don't ya?"
"Isn't he?" Izuru said as he stood up and approached Ikkaku on the futon, "He doesn't even want to apologize for lying to you because he has too much pride. He's conceited, selfish and spoilt." He said as he sat down next to Ikkaku.
Ikkaku took another swig of his sake. He already knew all of Yumichika's faults, but that didn't mean that he did not love him in spite of his faults.
"I've said some pretty mean things to him tonight. He'll never forgive me."
"Neither of you didn't say anything that you didn't mean." Izuru countered.
"I didn't mean it. Che. He just got me so angry!"
"That's just his nature. I can't see why you would want to be with someone that has the power to hurt so badly and actually acts on it."
"Yeah, but I made a promise to stay with him. I knew exactly what I was getting into when I said that I want to be with him."
"Do you still want to be with him? Even after he said all those things to you? Even after he lied to you for all of those years? And then he had the audacity to say that he's stronger and better than you; that he doesn't need you. You still want to be with him after all that?"
If he wasn't under the heavy influence of alcohol, Ikkaku might have questioned how did Izuru know what Yumichika had said to him. He might have even have questioned Izuru's presence at the moment. But Ikkaku instead chose to take another burning gulp of sake and feel his brain get fuzzier as he ignored the fact that Izuru was dangerously close to him. A silence passed between them and Izuru's words settled into Ikkaku's quickly muddling brain. After a while he spoke up.
"I still want to be with him. But I know that it's over." Ikkaku said sombrely. Knowing that you lost the best thing that you ever had and admitting it out loud was entirely different. Ikkaku was not one to cry. In fact he had no memories of ever crying, but he came pretty close to it just then. It was a feeling of desperation and melancholy that Izuru confessed to know very well.
"I wish the feeling would go away." Ikkaku said.
"It never quite does." Izuru replied.
Ikkaku looked at him, his eyes almost pleading for reality to change. Izuru knew the look well, after all he himself wore it so often.
"No Ikkaku-san, that feeling never quite goes away, but we can try to forget it for a while."
Ikkaku should have pulled away when Izuru kissed him, but that night he should not have done a lot of things, but he did them anyway.