Waiting in Moments
Chapter: 4 Thirteen Days Of Failed Confrontations
Summary:
Cappie/Casey post season 2 finale.
"We do not remember days, we remember moments" - Cesare Pavese
A collection of moments in the aftermath of the finale.
"If something anticipated arrives too late it finds us numb, wrung out from waiting, and we feel - nothing at all. The best things arrive on time". – Dorothy Gilman
Salad is one of the most impossible things to eat gracefully on a good day. She has never been the girl to order one on a first date and generally judged the girls that did. And besides, there is nothing more jarring than the sound of metal against porcelain, the plate scraping away as the fork jabs at stray pieces of lettuce. On a good day, there are giggles to mask the crunch of the leafy greens; there is conversation to ripple over the stabbing action, and a delicate hand to cover the large bites, chewed with a charmingly goofy smile. On a good day there is no deafening silence interrupted by awkward stabs and the screech as the metal fork jars against the bowl.
Today is not a good day, and she finds herself pushing the last few pieces of lettuce, cucumber and something like goat cheese around uncomfortably, daring to break the tense silence with an embarrassingly loud crunch.
She doesn't know what possessed her to invite Max out for lunch, and is even less sure why he would bother agreeing. Considering how she left him, treated him, is currently treating him, and considering she is about the most depressing person at CRU right now she has absolutely no clue why he would agree to this...silent torture.
It was supposed to help them both, or at least that was how she had rationalized it, but that was before the awkward handshake hello, the tight smiles and shaking clenched fists (at least on her part). She doesn't know if he has met her eyes this entire time because she has been resolutely avoiding his. The few moments of relief and fresh air occurred when the waitress came to collect their orders, and when both of them left for an extended bathroom break, no doubt to linger in the comforting alone-ness and at least in her case, to splash water on her face and try and regain her focus.
This was supposed to help them both; a peace offering on her part and perhaps some well needed closure for him. It had occurred to her yesterday morning, while lying in bed and "studying" – read: wallowing in self pity that she had not once thought about Max since the incident at Kappa Tau.
And although this current setting is painfully uncomfortable it has got her moving again and if she is being completely honest with herself all this thinking and moping has left her feeling more unaccomplished than ever – for this she envies Rusty who can accomplish simply by thinking, and as for the moping...
Once she had realized her lack of attention toward her very fresh ex, her thoughts grew incredulous and incredibly self loathing in nature: How dare she flounder liked a child for days on end over a boy she had rejected countless times, when she had kicked another to the curb with no warning and with a half hearted, distracted and half baked excuse and then not bother to follow through the next day with an explanation or a sorry. She hadn't given him the mental time of day; hadn't given him or herself the chance to honour or at least acknowledge the breakup, which was both an injustice to their relationship, to Max and to the last few months of her life. Her mourning over Cappie and her descent into self pity completely suffocated anything else in the world; it was if she had never dated Max at all.
And in a moment of sheer primal self preservation, she had resisted falling to a new self loathing low and instead dialled Max's number on her phone, he deserved the truth; he deserved a real breakup – they both deserved the closure.
In the present moment however, this logic evades her and the past twenty minutes has been spent in a stumbling silence. Too nervous at the prospect of drawing this out so she orders off the starter menu, only to wince as Max orders a large time consuming entree. She slows her pace to match his large plate and curses the chic salad again and again.
Twenty minutes of silence, twenty minutes of silence and chewing, twenty drawn out minutes of silence, chewing, stabbing and swallowing and she searches for something to lead her into her intended words. She does not dare ask how he's been, because honestly she doesn't want to know, doesn't want to add "crushing guilt" to the already towering mountain of emotions she has been feeling lately. Yet at the same time all she is wondering is how he is coping; and she hates herself for wondering because whatever he's been through she will unconsciously translate and apply to Cappie and then finally to herself, as if Max's pain could somehow account for the mess she has made between all of them. She doesn't ask though, she tells herself she doesn't want to know.
Max's does however, because when she looks up from her plate of green his face is positively bubbling with emotions... Until he boils over into anger; exploding as he drops his fork into his plate loudly. Fleetingly she envisions a gavel hitting wood: she is about to be judged.
"Why did you bring me here Casey?"
His tired voice betrays any anger in his face; he seems exhausted, stretched too far and she wonders if maybe this was the worst idea possible.
She draws on the last gasp of inner strength and steels her face into the resolved mask she puts on at Sorority functions, or when dealing with Rebecca.
"I wanted to apologize"
He snorts and she falters, mask dropping to the floor and shattering into a million pieces; porcelain eyes and mouth slipping through the cracks on the floor. Unseeing and unspeaking the broken mask offers no help and she retreats as he interrupts.
His words come out as a hiss, and she reels at the bitterness in his voice.
"What could you possibly have to apologize for huh? Dumping me out of the blue? cutting me out of your life out of fucking nowhere?"
She lets out a squeak and tries to protest but she really doesn't have the words.
"Save it Casey! You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one who should be sorry, I gave up my dream school for you, I gave up my future for something that didn't even last half a year. Oh no, I am the one who is fucking sorry Casey, you don't get to be"
Half of her wants to look around and see if any of the surrounding patrons were listening on this whispered argument...She is thankful for a moment that Max has a little more tact then say, Cappie, who most likely would have been shouting had he been in this position. However, she is not thinking about Cappie, she is focusing on holding Max's gaze, because she needs to ...if not redeem herself, redeem this bitter boy before her and let him move on.
"Max please...just listen"
He nods and she has a feeling he does so not because he wants to hear but because he is deflate; all the hot air is spent and a tired boy is left sitting in the wreckage.
She gathers her breath and approaches the next moment like one of her speeches in her brief presidential reign, she needs not to pause, not to falter because she knows if she does not get this out on one go, she will never get it out .
"Max please understand that, this breakup was not on a whim. I would never toss you aside because of some fleeting emotion...What happened at kappa tau was a long time coming and it has everything and nothing to do with you, and everything and nothing to do with Cappie. And I don't want to rehash everything and all my reasons for acting like a selfish bitch but I do want you to know that I ...I really like you and I did love you for a moment, it's just that we weren't right, we were never on the same page, I..."
She lets out a shaky breath and continues her gaze a little above his head, not quite ready to see his reaction.
"We weren't on the same page; not at all, it was as if you were ten chapters ahead; giving up grad school, planning Star Wars themed weddings"
She hears his protest but she can't stop, she can't falter.
"I wasn't at the page yet and I don't think I ever will be, and I know this all seems so abrupt but I've been part of another story for so much longer and I hate it, I really fucking hate because it hurts and it sucks for both of us, it but my story isn't with you and it's not fair for either of us to pretend otherwise...I'm sorry that it ended up like this, I really am."
And then she finds it physically impossible to say anything more, instead she meets his gazes and in her head screams please understand, please fucking understands.
He looks resigned; regretful, bitter...a million and one emotions behind his eyes brewing and threatening to spill over, until after a moment of silence he settles his gaze into something she recognizes as jaded.
He smiles bitterly, and his tone comes out more acidic than she anticipates.
"I know... In your fairy tale the Princess ends up with the Prince, and in my book the Plebeian is once put in his place, oh I know Casey, it's the story of my fucking life"
She winces, she pleads.
"Max...don't"
He ignores her and stands up throwing two twenty dollar bills onto the table. And then he is leaning over, and then he is in her face. Angry, bitter: fed up. This is not how she imagined this meeting but lately things have had a habit of turning out for the worse.
"I'm sorry Case. I can't do it, I can't. I know you feel like crap right now and I know you probably thought this was helpful in your chipper fix- all -broken-ends mind set but I'm not going to sit here and make you feel any better about this. You broke my heart, fine. But you don't get to apologize for it like this is something I'm supposed to accept. I don't accept it and I sure as hell don't want to sit around with you until this situation is okay. I'm sorry if this doesn't fit your fairytale ending but I gave up a life for you and now I've got to get it back and right now. This..."
He gestures derisively to the half eaten lunch, to the seemingly ignorant restaurant, to her cowering frame.
"Right now this is the last thing I need. So no, I can't do this, I can't be friends or try and be civil, I can't fucking do this. So maybe I'll see you around but I don't really want to be around you or your brother or anything that reminds me of you right now. Okay?"
She is speechless and the crushing guilt she was trying to avoid is all around her now, pushing on her chest, pricking tears at her eye, she feels herself nodding wordlessly but everything seems hazy clouded by a guilt she hadn't thought possible.
He seems to sense this and she watches him soften the slightest bit, even at his most jaded he was nothing if not a nice guy.
"Bye Casey"
His words are soft, and whisper themselves through her cloud of guilt, taking enough time to register that by the time she replies he has left the premises.
Numbly she reaches for her wallet, before noticing that in a final chivalrous act he has paid enough for the both of them.
Slowly, with shaky feet that feel heavy and too light at the same time, she cautiously makes her way out the door and towards her car.
Driving back home she falters between wanting to analyze and rationalize the conversation and wanting to tuck it away for a good, a closed chapter in her life.
Part of her considers talking to Ashleigh about this, but things have been tense between the two of them lately and in all honesty she isn't sure what there is to say. This breakup with Max was not the reason for her moping, or her tears, this breakup was a source of guilt, fuelled by the fact that she is still steadfast in her decision to end things.
She does not want to be with Max, she wants Cappie; she should not be with Max and in her mind, she should be with Cappie. Now she finds herself with neither and it strikes her that she has not been confronting this enough to accept the fact that despite Max's bitter predictions, her fairytale may never realize itself into existence. Perhaps this is her fault; perhaps this is Cappie's and perhaps she just needs to get a grip on her own story. So that she can keep her head above the water, so that she doesn't have to drown in her romantic failings.
Something Max said sticks out at her, and prods at her as she enters pulls into the parking lot.
"I gave up a life for you and now I've got to get it back" His words float through her head, the voice more similar to her soprano than Max's baritone.
She needs to get her life back. If she is thinking clearly there is a lot she wants to change, some of it has to do with Cappie but she is beginning to realize that she is unhappy with so much more than her romantic suicides. There is a lot she wants change. She needs a break from dramatic encounters and failed confessions, she is tired of tears and she is tired of staying in her head until she is sick of her own voice; she is sick of this fucking situation: She needs to get her life back.
For now though, she lets herself feel the exhaustion overwhelm her as it drips down from her forehead to her toes. For now she lets herself be pulled into the safety of her bed, and the comfortable familiarity of hiding out and waiting for the storm to pass.
Possible emotional progress 1. Actual Cappie/Casey interaction 0 . It'll happen soon though, they both need to grow a little.
Please, please review, it really would make my day, and you know...spur me to write more =)
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