Waiting in Moments
Chapter: 5 Fourteen Days In Never Never Again land
Summary:
Cappie/Casey post season 2 finale.
"We do not remember days, we remember moments" - Cesare Pavese
A collection of moments in the aftermath of the finale.
"If something anticipated arrives too late it finds us numb, wrung out from waiting, and we feel - nothing at all. The best things arrive on time". – Dorothy Gilman
In a passing comment made many, many years ago, the then Dean of CRU had likened the Kappa Tau house to the story of Peter Pan and the Lost Boys. Most of the Presidents since that time had embodied a certain youthful leadership and had led the brothers through school and Greek life in a more carefree, unorthodox manner. Kappa Tau was a Neverland of sorts, a haven for the lost boys and their carefree leader, until they felt the pull of adulthood and made way for new lost boys and more youthful Peter Pan's. In recent years, it seemed that no one embodied the spirit of Peter as much as the current leader Cappie, a man/boy who sought youth, fun and freedom, with a reckless carefree energy that the lost boys ate up eagerly and mimicked as they turned their Frat house into a living, breathing Neverland, always a party, always a chase, always something to scream about. What separated this current generation from the past was that this Peter Pan had or rather did have at one point, a Wendy, a charming girl, who had brought a touch of grace and order to the house until her visits expired and the house descended back into carefree chaos.
The Kappa Tau house had always had a knack for managing to get all business in order just in time for moments that mattered most and then falling back into chaotic frat boy obscurity. If ninety percent of the year was spent neglecting the books, any form of upkeep, and ignoring all bills that came in through the mail slot, the other ten percent of the time was supposed to be divided up through the year and scattered into the hands of designated Kappa Tau's – i.e. Pledges – to be sorted out, dealt with and put away to gather dust until the next year. Unfortunately the very air inside the house was a tantalising toxic mixture that caused the inhabitants to breath procrastination, until every boy's pores were saturated with the idea that whatever it is can wait until tomorrow. This meant that the ten percent of time spent organizing the house piled together unnoticed until the last minute, until the creditors were but minutes away, and the Dean was eyeing the Greek financial system with a suspicious frown and landlord was a moment from banging on the door. This meant that for the second time during his reign as president Cappie once again has had to call an emergency financial meeting.
He stands now in front of his brothers, wishing he had a cup in his hand to lubricate and ease the words out of his mouth in the careless style the Kappa Tau's are accustomed to and not the sighing listless tone he has been frequenting as of late.
"Boys. We are gathered here today to ....repay for our sins" He winces, and Wade raises an eyebrow. Too biblical, too much like a disembodied- this does not bode well- sort of voice.
"Well kind of. Pretty much we are here again, because as usual we have most wisely decided to dedicate our time to the more pleasurable indulgences in life and leave the less enjoyable activities to the bitter, bitter end."
Out of the corner of his eye he notices Rusty frown, looking almost irritated and resists the urge to throw a pillow at his little brother. Last year Spitter, had been in charge of balancing the books, and the well intentioned but ill-advised boy had all but caused an uproar by suggesting they opt for a more organized system, naturally this had been met with great resistance and his little brother had ended up having to finish everything the other pledges couldn't, on top of his own work. Although they hadn't spoken of the almost battle between Rusty and Kappa Tau, Cappie knows that this is just one of the thousands of little jabs Rusty has had to endure as he is reminded once and again that he is not like the others. Still, there is a self righteous air about Spitter right now, as if he knows that this situation could have very easily been avoided and at this moment that irritates Cappie to no end. It's not as if any of them don't know that there is an easier way for this, it's just that this is not how it's done here – Kappa Tau and organization simply don't mix.
Irked by Rusty's silent disapproval, he continues deciding to emphasize the virtues of procrastination, if only to show his little brother that he is still the president.
"Of course we could have chugged away at this all year, but I'm pretty sure I can safely say we would rather be chugging beer"
He pauses as his brothers clap and cheer, and it almost saddens him at how easy it is to feign his happiness right now; drop the words beer, and girls into a sentence and it's as if he hasn't been brooding every moment these past two weeks- it almost saddens him but at the same time it is a warm comforting feeling, easy and familiar like a cold pint to celebrate an (i.e. any) occasion.
"However there comes a time when we have to play grown up, suit and tie boring men for one day and unfortunately that day is upon us"
He is interrupted again but this time by the sounds of booing. He resists the urge to smirk at Beavers pouting lower lip and ploughs ahead to seal the deal.
"Seeing as we have on last day left on our social calendar suspension, I say we get all this tough and boring business out of the way so that tomorrow we can celebrate our re-emergence onto the Greek social scene. And I am thinking something big, bigger than a Mariah or a Madonna comeback, we need a party to eclipse the end of the world, and what better way than to celebrate the beginning of a new world? So tomorrow break out the cavemen gear, we are throwing a dawn of time bash"
Pause again for clapping and cheering. Briefly he imagines a football stadium and the crowd that cheers at any word shouted through the speakers. The party theme had been a spontaneous thought, and he struggles not to read into it...a new dawn, a new world, a new beginning. Failing to remember any of his psych 100 classes he doesn't know if he is in denial or if he truly does want to move on. He shakes his head and does is best to look stern and commanding.
"That said, we have some serious work to do. Pledges one through three, the house is a mess it is up to you to fix it and now. This isn't baby stuff either I'm talking gutter cleaning, repainting, hedge trimming, floor waxing work. So go, Go!"
He urges the younger brothers out and they skitter away, the last boy slightly tipsy stumbles into the door twice before he makes it out, Cappie hopes they don't put him on the ladder or anything that's higher than the ground.
In his first year he remembers whining to Casey when she cancelled a date because of something Frannie had put her up to. "I need to do this Cap, apparently there's actually like tax and payments and stuff that needs to be sorted like once a week or else the house gets in trouble. I didn't realize being in a sorority was going to involve math". He remembers being sceptical, there was nothing like that at kappa tau, but then again, Kappa Tau had always run on a different sort of energy from the others. That night he recalls being so irritated with Frannie as Casey chose to complain for an hour on his bed instead of doing....more productive things with him. They had just started sleeping together at that point, and although he hadn't been a virgin, she had, and the first time that had made him almost more nervous. Once the first awkward moment was over suddenly sleeping with Casey seemed like the only desirable thing, no, the only logical thing to do at any time. He had been insatiable and for a while she had too.
He considers punching himself as he snaps back to the present moment. Stop thinking about her. Just...Stop.
"Pledges four through seven, that pile of mail on the table has your names written on it, anything that looks tax-y and official you need to give to me or Rusty and anything that looks boring toss. Oh and anything that looks like it was written to a girl, assume correctly and give it to me"
Beaver throws a pillow at him which he catches just in time.
"Rusty, I know you're not a pledge anymore but you are the only one here who has picked up a math book in the past few years so I'm going to need you to balance the books again"
He looks at Rusty with what he hopes is a pleading gaze, he hasn't really spoken to Rusty since The End of the World, save for awkward, almost cold exchanges in the hallway. Part of him understands his fierce loyalty, as it has, at times, been directed at him; however this time Rusty has allied with Casey, and on another level with Max, and Cappie has been singled out as the bad guy. This is the last thing he wants or needs especially right now, and especially today because for all the problems Spitter has created, his little brother has been more than handy for coming up with creative and intelligent solutions. And he finds he has grown a huge soft spot for the boy who is currently looking at him with a mixture of resignation and irritation. Cappie chooses not to dwell on the tension between them and instead takes his silence as confirmation and moves on to the last pledge that is perched awkwardly on the coffee table.
"Pledge eight, I'm truly am sorry to do this to you but I seem to remember you loosing in poker last week and that means you are stuck with the hallway bathroom "
He watches the boy turn slightly green and finds himself oddly satisfied in a sadistic if-I'm-going-to-be-miserable-so-are-you sort of way.
"If you're going to puke I suggest you do it before you clean the toilet and a word of caution, I would knock back a shot or two of good old Jack Daniels; it's not going to be pretty in there" He pauses the watch the last pledge walk slowly out the room looking as though he might be regretting his design to rush Kappa Tau.
He grins and the remaining boys, feeling a little like Peter Pan trying to play house with the lost boys. In the back of his head he cries out for his Wendy because she always knew when to add a little order to his chaos.
"To the rest of my brothers"
He looks pointedly at Wade and Beaver, giving them silent authority over the other boys and then he smiles and gestures broadly if not a little frantically.
"Well you've got a re-emergence party to plan. Dawn of time waits for now one, we need fliers, costumes, decor and booze, lots and lots of booze"
The room empties in a flurry as the Kappa Tau's take the one day to utilize their full potential in all areas of planning, cleaning, and organizing.
He draws his gaze back to the remaining inhabitant Rusty and offers a tentative smile, they would both be balancing the books together today and he needs to get along with him. He hopes if nothing else, the tedious act of balancing the books and accounts will distract him from all thoughts of his romantic failings. However with the brother of the girl who has plagued him sitting next to him he wonders if distraction is too high a goal to reach.
He sighs and picks up a folder.
"Well now Spitter, I guess we should start"
Rusty's answer is a silent nod and a brittle smile.
The seconds of silence between him and his little brother tick by at an agonizingly slow pace, the worst part is that Rusty is in charge of all the preliminary checking, which means that he is stuck waiting awkwardly, wondering if he should say something.
For one of the first times in his life Cappie is at a complete an utter loss for words. There seems to be no point of entry into their old rapport and he wonders for the first time if he lost two relationships that fateful night.
There is nothing but the swish of paper, the click of pen against page, and the noises created as Cappie's shifts uncomfortably, waiting, thinking. He can't apologize to Rusty directly, because he hasn't done a thing to his little brother and then he would seem dishonest and fake if he were to. He can't apologize for turning down Casey, because that would still leave Max alone and he can't apologize for Max's being alone because even though he had tried to keep them together Casey dumped him anyway, and by the by, even in his denial he knows he was still a root cause.
He can't apologize, at this moment all he can do is wait.
Surprisingly it is not all that long before Rusty breaks the silence and even more surprisingly he cuts right to the chase, a relief to Cappie as both of them have been known to spiral out on tangents before reeling into the issue at hand.
"I'm not mad at you Cap"
He looks up sharply and notices for the first time that his little brother looks exhausted; he wonders what he has been missing since his Wendy had stormed out of his Neverland at his own words of rejection. He feels like perhaps his little brother has needed him more than he has let on, and that perhaps his avoidance has little to do with his sister.
"But we're not okay either... are we?"
In the back of his mind, somewhat abstractly he notes that this conversation sounds more than a little feminine. In the back of his mind he gives both him and Spitter wedgies for it.
Rusty drops his pen and shakes his head.
"No, yeah....I dunno Cap. It seems like ever since that End of The World Party everything has just gotten complicated and dramatic and just so....ugh depressing"
His mouth twists itself into a sardonic half-smile.
"You're telling me"
Rusty winces as if remembering Cappie's own predicament, and for the second time Cappie wonders where Spitter's own angst is coming from, and directed at. He pushes the papers and folders aside, determined to find out why his little brother has been avoiding him, determined to find out what has been happening since he lost all control. There is an edge to his voice when he speaks again, and he realizes that he had been hurt more than a little by Rusty's purposeful avoidance.
"So what's up then Spitter? If you're not mad at me, then why have you been MIA for the past two weeks, I've seen you at the house like twice since....then"
Rusty smiles humourlessly.
"Okay maybe I was a little mad at first Cap, I thought that you had... well I thought wrong until I saw how upset Casey was the next day"
He flinches as Spitter's words, he had been trying not to think of how Casey was handling things, he had seen her once on campus and it had been torture, he had felt steamrollered with guilt and lust, and anger and love and all sorts of emotions he usually fled from. Once again he has to forcefully remove himself from Wendy/Casey's window and fly back to his home, the present and tune into Rusty's conversation.
"And so I know it's not your fault and I'm really not mad at you for it. But at the same time I am mad at you, but not really at you but what you are"
He frowns wondering if he had been thinking of her a moment too long or if Spitter was actually making no sense at all. He puts his hands up to slow Rusty down.
"I'm sorry, but I'm not following at all. What?"
Rusty sighs and rubs his face with his hands.
"I don't know how to say it really, it's not you I'm mad at, but it is. Ugh its, its more what you are Cap. You guys, you, always get the girl even if you don't deserve her ...look; I mean I wanted you to be with Casey more than anyone, especially when she was with Evan, but when she was with Max.....that was different. Guys like me and Max don't ever get the girl, and when he did, it sort of was like hey I can too you know? And I know that you and Casey have all this past and all this unsorted crap but when it was her and Max and me and Jordan , for once I won and you lost- well not you but you guys, the usual winners, the good-looking, popular ones and for once it seemed like there was a chance for the underdogs. And then suddenly is was like the world woke up and said 'oops, sorry' and Max's was back as a loner and Casey is once again going for you, and now I'm with Jordan, miserable because I'm literally waiting for her to wake up and go back to Andy"
A wave of sympathy and understanding and a little bit of misdirected anger washes over him as his little brother becomes at once more and more frantic and more and more resigned. He has to force himself to swallow his pride and his protests at Rusty's accusations that he did get the girl. He understands where Rusty is coming from but he wants to hit his little brother for suggesting that he has the girl now and is better off for it. She may want him but she doesn't really, he doesn't have her now and it seems as if he never will. At this thought the wind is knocked out of him and Peter Pan finds he can no longer feel enough happiness to fly. He shakes his head and focuses on Rusty's problems but instead of finding empathy he finds anger.
"Are you really that insecure Spitter? You have the girl right now, she wants you. I know it's in your nature to over analyze but Casey's relationship with Max is nothing like you and Jordan. Come on man, grow up and stop anticipating the end because then it will end, and right now I'm guessing you haven't been the most enjoyable person to be around especially for Jordan but seriously? To paint yourself as the underdog considering what you did to Andy in the process, well Spitter, it's pathetic"
Rusty looks taken aback and almost hurt and surprisingly this eggs him on further, even though he knows he is coming off harsh and even though he knows more than half his anger has nothing to do with Rusty at all.
"Stop waiting for the end, stop complaining about not having the girl when you actually do and she actually wants you, and stop comparing your relationship to what happened with Max and your sister. There is much more to what happened with her and Max, then her realizing he is a loser, and most of all stop painting it out as if I won and I got the girl because I don't know if you haven't noticed but I haven't had the girl for a long fucking time"
And then like a breeze gone from a sail, the wind is sucked out of him and he finds himself exhausted, these past two weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster he never signed up for, but he's been avoiding the ride so long he is not shocked that it is a violent as it is. He props his head up on his hand and sighs, feeling a sense of déjà vu at the awkward silence and the restored tension between him and Rusty.
"You really do care for her don't you?"
Spitter's voice is quiet but there is no edge or hint of his previous resentment.
Cappie smiles sadly, it seems as if everything he has been running from, emotional confrontations , fights, the truth and his own feelings, have suddenly caught up and there is nothing he can do but be a man for once and face it.
"I really do, so much Rusty, I really do"
Suddenly flying amongst the clouds and fighting Hook doesn't seem so important if all Peter wants to do is fly to Wendy's window and see her one last time.
"So than why did you turn-"
"I don't know"
He laughs suddenly.
"I have no fucking clue why I said no"
And it's true he realises, whatever logic he was clinging to at the time has lost its and he wants her, he wants her so fucking badly. He thinks of a quote he came across in a literature class last year, "If something anticipated arrives too late it finds us numb, wrung out from waiting, and we feel - nothing at all. The best things arrive on time" and agrees , he thinks of his Parents showing up two hours late to pick him up from school, he thinks of that time had written his favourite singer a letter and by the time they had responded he was already listening to another band and too much had happened in between. And perhaps this had been his fall back, his default train of thought when she had sprung her feelings on him so suddenly and unexpectedly in the closet.
He finds now that no amount of denying will make her confession any less true, and that perhaps he had been too tired of waiting to truly grasp the moment for what it was. However he is not numb, he feels everything for her and recognizes that there has never been a linear timeline between him and Casey, and perhaps there never will be a right moment for her confession because their timeline, his feelings and he realises now, hers, have always been so constant.
Rusty laughs suddenly, hard enough that he is doubled over the table, his fist hitting the wood repeatedly. He looks at Cappie and finds words between his gasping.
"You said I was an idiot for anticipating the end? Cap you've been so busy waiting to be turned down that when she actually admitted you were the one, you ended up rejecting her just so you could justify yourself. You idiot"
Rusty shakes his head and his laughter dies down and he looks at him seriously.
"Look, Cap I wouldn't be saying this if I wasn't sure she liked you so much. You need to get her back, considering how dramatic these past two weeks have been, you owe it to pretty much everyone at CRU to get her back and live happily ever after"
Its Cappie's turned to laugh, but its wistful and bitter all at once.
"I think it's a little late for that Spitter. Besides as much as I want her, I`m pretty much the worst boyfriend material, I can't or don't want to get my life together and that's what broke us up last time''
'' Then it`s time to grow up a little and get over yourself, the fact is I`m almost failing school right now to make it work with Jordan, I think the least you can do is cut an hour out of your drinking to spend time with the one person you`d rather be with anyway''
All the revelations, all this confrontation and having someone splash a cold wakeup call is almost too much and he falters.
"I don`t know if I can get her back this time"
And that is the worst realization of them all that perhaps in his denial and in his time spent self flagellating and regretting he may have lost any remaining chance he had.
Rusty looks at him hard, with a sort of intensity and certainty, that he was unused to receiving from his little brother.
"It`s not a matter of can, Cap, it`s a matter of need. And you need to get her back"
Cappie bites his lip hard before replying.
"`Well, I sure as hell am going to try"
Today the Kappa Tau version of Neverland is a strange, almost unsettling sight. The lost boys worked with focus and tenacity as the chaos of the house is chipped away at and stored in boxes, recycled and filed away. The sense of responsibility usually so fleeting among the brothers is very much present as a sense of order is instilled. More startling is the change within the leader, the boy, the man/child, the Peter Pan frat boy president looks both wistful and hopeful as he stares out from the clouds just close enough to catch a glimpse of Wendy Darlings window.
Cappie takes comfort in the fact that by this time tomorrow normality will be restored; tomorrow the beer will flow, the music will pump and the emotions will run wild. Tomorrow all talk of clean gutters and paid bills will turn to talk of cleavage and booze. And somewhere in his heart he knows tomorrow he has to make his move or that strange continuous timeline between him and Casey will finally meet its end.
AN: So.....uh that was way longer than usual =)
And you know it was 4000 odd words of 0 Casey/Cappie interaction BUT there will be next chapter whoo , and that's a promise.
There may be spelling and grammar mistakes galore but I am seriously lazy =)
Also, a huge thank you to ice-woman who write really encouraging reviews and also you know, is writing my all time favorite Greek fanfic - go check it out!
PLEASE review I appreciate it more than words can express.
-Merci